How should I handle this? Or does it even need to be handled?

S&MIII

(long but there is a point I swear!)

In High School I had a pretty close little group of friends, and of course when your 16 you swear you'll always be best friends and be in each others wedding. Well then college and life happened some of us grew apart or had a falling out. There is still this one friend that I talk to every now and then through text or facebook. We aren't anywhere close like we use to be but are still friendly.

When I got engaged I sent her (and few other casual friends) a picture text of my ring with an "I'm engaged!" message. Her response was "What the hell?!" That kind of shocked me.20 minutes later, before I could even dwell on it or think of a response, she sends me another texting saying "I get to be a bridesmaid!" At that point I was defiantly shocked.

First off we had just gotten engaged I hadn't had time to think of the guest list let alone the wedding party. Secondly, it wasn't even a question she pretty much told me she was in my wedding party. I haven't hung out with this girl in about 2 years, like I said before, our communication these days is just a friendly text here or there. I would think it was kind of obvious that our lives had changed since high school but I guess not. Lastly her first response showed me no support what-so ever.

I never answered partly 'cause I was getting a lot of phone calls from family etc. and partly, I'll admit, I was trying to avoid an answer because I didn't know what to say.

I've decided on my bridesmaids and she's not one of them. Which sounds really harsh but it's the truth. My question is do I need to have a talk with her? I've had some people tell me no she'll figure it out and others say yes I need to tell her. I just feel awkward calling her to say she's NOT a bridesmaid. If she had never said anything she would've never received a call like that right? I just need an unbiased opinion on this. Am I over thinking this? Should I just let it go? or do I need to do something about it?

bablingbrooke

If she's acting on the assumption that she's a BM, you need to correct her the next time SHE brings it up.

Her: "So when are we going BM dress shopping?"  

You: "We haven't decided on the WP yet," or "You know, unfortunately we've already asked the WP but we can't wait to see you there as a guest.  So are you excited about Deathly Hallows?"

It's not one of those things where you sit her down and have the talk (how would you like it if someone sat you down and told you why you didn't make the cut?), and it's very wrong of her to assume.  The situation sucks.  But if she is assuming she's in the WP and making public statements about it, it's up to you to correct her and nip this in the bud ASAP.

P.S. Anyone who would hold you to your 16 year old promise of being in the WP is crazy.

banana468

Ditto BB.

If she assumes again just say, "I've actually decided that only X Y and Z will be my BMs." and then change the subject.

graysquirrel

It is terribly rude to budge into someone's wedding party. She has no right to assume anything, especially if you don't actually hang out with her. If she asks about it then gently tell her what pps have suggested. If your party is small, you'll have the great excuse that you only included your sister, best friend, etc. 

SSaltzman87

I agree with PPs along with keeping wedding details from her so she doesn't get the wrong idea.

simbidi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-handle-this-even-need-handled?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ef8193f2-afda-49be-9ad5-300be4adebb9Post:16eb112a-c8ae-4d85-a226-7a779e58d3fb">Re: How should I handle this? Or does it even need to be handled?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding isn't until December of next year, so you shouldn't select ANYONE until June at the earliest. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Huh? 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-handle-this-even-need-handled?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ef8193f2-afda-49be-9ad5-300be4adebb9Post:16eb112a-c8ae-4d85-a226-7a779e58d3fb">Re: How should I handle this? Or does it even need to be handled?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding isn't until December of next year, so you shouldn't select ANYONE until June at the earliest. In the meantime...."I'm not thinking about a wedding party yet."  Then you quietly select those you wish, and say nothing to those you don't. And yes....she's being rude.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I think June is a little too long to wait.  About 9 months out is a good time to ask. 

OP- ditto PPs about not bringing it up to her.  Nobody wants to be sat down and told "you aren't a BM because..."  Brooke gave you some good ideas on what to say if she brings it up.

As for her original text back to you, when's the last time you talked to her?  I have quite a few friends who I only talk to periodically, and if the last time I talked to one she was just telling me about a guy she's seeing, and then all of a sudden I get a pic of an e-ring, I would probably have the same reaction.  I'm guessing it was more out of shock than anything else.

bablingbrooke

Six months just seems awfully short to me.  I think as long as you're under a year you're good to go, but I know I have a very liberal interpretation of how soon "too soon" is.  Plus if your friends are like my friends, waiting until six months before can cause you more trouble--by not asking my BFFs immediately, they assumed they weren't in the wedding and decided to scour my FB to see who my WP was going to be, since obviously it wasn't going to be them  We still laugh about that.

bablingbrooke

Yeah, you presume my friends are rational people...

Beachy730

I think 6 months is the right time to go dress shopping, but I think asking should be about 9-12 months.  But then again I asked mine right after I got engaged because it was a no brainer to me who it would be, and I never would have dreamed of kicking them out for anything they did or didn't do. 

S&MIII

I haven't picked dresses for them yet! lol The only two girls who aren't blood are still consider family not just by me but by my whole family. If a year from now I'm on here whining about wanting to kick one of the girls out I give you all permission to say "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I did read some of the other boards to see if anyone had a similar situation, and I'm trying really hard not to sound obnoxious, but I don't foresee a problem. I'm not expecting anything of them but to show up at the church on time in their dress. If they want to help GREAT, but if not I can get by. I'm even going to offer to help pay for their dresses, when it's time to pick them out. I know of at least two of them that have their own families and I don't want to burden them.

Thanks for the advice! I like those suggestion. She's still a sweet girl and I didn't want to hurt her feelings too much.

S&MIII

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-handle-this-even-need-handled?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ef8193f2-afda-49be-9ad5-300be4adebb9Post:021c3afa-21e1-46ab-8c10-632f2c9ed36a">Re: How should I handle this? Or does it even need to be handled?</a>:
[QUOTE]As for her original text back to you, when's the last time you talked to her?  I have quite a few friends who I only talk to periodically, and if the last time I talked to one she was just telling me about a guy she's seeing, and then all of a sudden I get a pic of an e-ring, I would probably have the same reaction.  I'm guessing it was more out of shock than anything else.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

I see your point. I'd be shocked if I suddenly got a text from her saying she was engaged. Alright that part I reacted badly to. I'll have to keep coming here so y'all can keep me in line! haha