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Slight [not]BM Problem

I have a friend who, for some reason, thinks she's a BM. I never told her she was a BM but, she is a close friend, so I guess she just assumed. She invited herself along to an appointment at David's Bridal and asked a mutual friend (who is a BM) for a ride to it. She proceded to try on BM dresses at the appointment with some of the BMs. She always asks questions about planning but, I try to avoid it and switch subjects, only to have her revert back to questions 5 minutes later. She's a really sweet girl and isn't the type to push anything on anyone, so I don't think she's just trying to "pry" her way in. Now, some of my BMs have started tagging her in pictures they've taken during wedding-related things (against my request) and talking about BM details. I would add her if I could but, budget makes it difficult. I already have seven BMs and will only have 100 guests, as is. I know you're never supposed to tell someone when they aren't a bridesmaid but, I don't know how to handle this situation. I really don't want to hurt her feelings. Help?
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Re: Slight [not]BM Problem

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    I think you probably should have nipped this when she "invited" herself to try on BM dresses with you.  I don't really have any advice for you now except to go out for a drink and perhaps explain that there seems to be a misunderstanding about the WP, and that XYZ are your BMs.

    I defer to my other knottie buddies good advice on this one.  You're in a tough spot, without a doubt.  I will say, however, that I don't get the correlation of guest list to WP members.  If you want her in the WP, who cares if you have 100 guests, or 99 guests if she's a BM?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    noodle_oonoodle_oo member
    First Comment
    edited April 2011
    Um, yeah, lettng her come to the DB appointment was a HUGE mistake.  Why in the world did you let her come?  Now it will be very hard to tell her that she's not a BM.  Nip it in the bud ASAP.  Although I have no idea how you can tell her she's not a BM now after letting her try on dresses.

    ETA:  do your other BMs thing she's one too?  Hoenstly, at this point, I'd probably just let her do it.  Your fault for not tellling her sooner.  I think it is going to be awkward no matter how you go about it.  Whats the difference between 7 and 8?
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    I wanted to nip it in the bud when she invited herself along but, I had no idea how to go about doing it without hurting her feelings. But, I guess there isn't really a way to do that.

    As far as BMs and guests go, it might be more of a personal preference. I've been reading posts on TK and some have asked questions about how many BMs would be too many for X amount of guests. While I know there is no set rule, I think 8 is a bit too many. And I don't really have it in my budget as far as paying to get the things done I wanted them to have on the day of the wedding (i.e. hair, makeup, etc.).

    But, thank you for the reply :)
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_slight-notbm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f05415bc-1419-4965-b905-ce9edfc4c4cbPost:3cf19512-1c61-4f8a-9503-09e393d65772">Re: Slight [not]BM Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]Um, yeah, lettng her come to the DB appointment was a HUGE mistake.  Why in the world did you let her come?  Now it will be very hard to tell her that she's not a BM.  Nip it in the bud ASAP.  Although I have no idea how you can tell her she's not a BM now after letting her try on dresses. ETA:  do your other BMs thing she's one too?  Hoenstly, at this point, I'd probably just let her do it.  Your fault for not tellling her sooner.  I think it is going to be awkward no matter how you go about it.  Whats the difference between 7 and 8?
    Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

    <div>I didn't know she was coming to the appointment. I found out when they were on their way over.</div><div>
    </div><div>Apparently, at least one of the other BMs thinks she is but, I don't know why. Each BM was informed of who the other people in the wedding party were, so I'm not entirely sure.</div>
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    Personally, I am not as quick as the PP to blame you for this. Sometimes people only hear what they want to hear, and I would be in the same situation as you if it happened to me - you don't want to create unnecessary drama, and it sounds like you didn't do anything to encourage the behavior.

    Can you give her some other job? I always thought it would be flattering to be a bride's personal attendant. I know to some people that screams "slave" rather than friend, but I think that is an honored job that lets her be included in the whole thing - especially since what she seems to want more than anything is to just be included.

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    I would not say anything about this right now, and I would also make sure that she does not get any information about wedding party-only events. Hopefully she will get the hint once she realizes that you didn't ask her to buy a dress (or actually ask her to be a BM).

    If she buys a dress, and/or says anything about being a bridesmaid, I would say something like, "It looks like there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the line, but I've already chosen Sally and Susan and Sandy as my bridesmaids. I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression." Do it like a Band-Aid, right off, and get it over with. Better than stringing her along. If she's disappointed, then it's her own fault for building up her hopes.

    I very much disagree with asking her to be your personal attendant. That would be stringing her along even further.
    image
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    To be honest I would probably be a wimp here. If she is a nice girl and I felt she was doing this my an honest mistake I would just let her be in it. (find the money somewherem but then I am not paying for their hair, make-up or dress, they are picking everything out themselves and paying themselves as well)

    I think the PP had great ideas regarding how to handle the situation. I hope it goes well for you.
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    I don't think having her as a personal assistant would be stringing her along. OP said that she is a good friend and she likes her, so what's the problem with that? Even though our weddings are supposed to be all about us, it's not worth losing or damaging a friendship over. If the bride likes hanging out with her (and if the thought of having that awkward "you're not a bridesmaid" conversation makes her want to die), that is a viable alternative. Some of us aren't as brash and outspoken as others, and this might be a good alternative.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_slight-notbm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f05415bc-1419-4965-b905-ce9edfc4c4cbPost:36984184-9d64-4c02-a90c-deb5aca74978">Re: Slight [not]BM Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think having her as a personal assistant would be stringing her along. OP said that she is a good friend and she likes her, so what's the problem with that? Even though our weddings are supposed to be all about us, it's not worth losing or damaging a friendship over. If the bride likes hanging out with her (and if the thought of having that awkward "you're not a bridesmaid" conversation makes her want to die), that is a viable alternative. Some of us aren't as brash and outspoken as others, and this might be a good alternative.
    Posted by LaceyH13[/QUOTE]

    The problem with that is that it's insulting ... "You can't be a bridesmaid, but you can run errands for me instead." The friend is going to see right through that. It's better to just be honest with her.
    image
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    Bridesmaid is an honor.  Personal Assistant is a pity position that should be a paid job.  And anyone would recognize that.  Think of the scenario:

    #1:  You're a dear friend, so I want you to precede me down the aisle and stand next to me as I take this huge step in my life.

    #2:  You're a dear friend, so I want you to run errands for me, fix things that aren't going well, run interference for problems, and hold my dress while I pee.

    Which one would you choose?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    How about as a liason to the photographer.  The photographer, 9 times out of 10 won't know who the special friends are, won't know who Aunt Cindy is etc.  It's important to have someone who knows your circle of people work in tandem with the photographer.
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    Again, "Liaison to the photographer" is not at all an "honor".  It means that instead of enjoying the party as the BMs will do, and enjoying the ceremony as the BMs will do, the "Liaison to the photographer" will be trailing the photographer throughout the party.  I think the term for that is "working" at the party.

    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    I disagree that a personal assistant is a "slave" or a "pity position"  - after all, its this or nothing and at least with this she gets to be a part of the wedding, which she obviously wants to be.  I think it would depend on the person as how they would take it, but just off the bat its not a horrible idea in and of itself.  There are other things she could do, like perform a reading or something that would allow her to be invited to things like the rehearsal and be involved in the fun without being an extra cost (maybe one more corsage, but not hair, makeup, etc).  If none of the above is possible, you really need to have a sit down, heart to heart (try a lunch just the two of you).  it will be hard since you already have a fairly large BP, and she may not understand why so and so made the cut but she didn't.  Just remember, she is trying to show her love and support, not trying to make you miserable, so it probably wont cause as big an issue as you think.  She will likely be really embarrased, so be gracious and sensitive.  Tell her you want her involved, just not in the WP.  She will probably be just fine, but it will be a little awkward of a conversation.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_slight-notbm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f05415bc-1419-4965-b905-ce9edfc4c4cbPost:83005f2d-5a29-4f33-bf97-29df14906f7c">Re: Slight [not]BM Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I am not as quick as the PP to blame you for this. Sometimes people only hear what they want to hear, and I would be in the same situation as you if it happened to me - you don't want to create unnecessary drama, and it sounds like you didn't do anything to encourage the behavior. Can you give her some other job? I always thought it would be flattering to be a bride's personal attendant. I know to some people that screams "slave" rather than friend, but I think that is an honored job that lets her be included in the whole thing - especially since what she seems to want more than anything is to just be included.
    Posted by LaceyH13[/QUOTE]


    I completely agree, I see the Personal Attendant as an honor as well and what's best is you don't have to buy a bridesmaid dress! 
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
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    I would just let her in at this point. It sounds like she isn't doing it on purpose, and you have let it go on for this long.
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