BM issue... to ask or not to ask?

mizri

I am trying to decide on how many BMs I want in the wedding, and the issue is coming from two childhood friends.  I know who my MOH is, and one of my other BMs, but I don't know if I want just the two, or if I want to ask two girls that I grew up with...  The two friends in question, we'll call them Sara and Nicole, are old friends, I've known them both for almost 20 years, our parents are still neighbors.  I still talk to Sara and we both currently live in the same city, but Nicole is living with her mother again, and I don't talk to her as much as Sara.  Our mothers are all close, as well.  As kids/teenagers, we were all inseperable, but as adults, we have started to grow apart.  Sara and Nicole are still pretty good friends, much like Sara and myself.  I feel like if I ask Sara, I will have to ask Nicole.  I consider both of them friends, and (yes, call me vain) I want an even number of attendants in the WP.  We are also having three flower girls and a ring bearer.  I know I should do what makes me happy, but I've gotten so used to making everyone else happy and not worrying about myself that it's hard to stop, and to be quite honest, I don't know what would make me happy here....  any ideas?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-issue-ask-not-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f0a13d50-5346-4847-83f1-7a53e8d5bbf5Post:9789f00f-003c-4171-9766-5478ab6b274a">BM issue... to ask or not to ask?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am trying to decide on how many BMs I want in the wedding, and the issue is coming from two childhood friends.  I know who my MOH is, and one of my other BMs, but I don't know if I want just the two, or if I want to ask two girls that I grew up with...  The two friends in question, we'll call them Sara and Nicole, are old friends, I've known them both for almost 20 years, our parents are still neighbors.  I still talk to Sara and we both currently live in the same city, but Nicole is living with her mother again, and I don't talk to her as much as Sara.  Our mothers are all close, as well.  As kids/teenagers, we were all inseperable, but as adults, we have started to grow apart.  Sara and Nicole are still pretty good friends, much like Sara and myself.  I feel like if I ask Sara, I will have to ask Nicole.  I consider both of them friends, and (yes, call me vain) I want an even number of attendants in the WP.  We are also having three flower girls and a ring bearer.  I know I should do what makes me happy, but I've gotten so used to making everyone else happy and not worrying about myself that it's hard to stop, and to be quite honest, I don't know what would make me happy here....  any ideas?
Posted by mizri[/QUOTE]
WP should be a knee-jerk reaction.  Would you call them at 3am if something terrible happened?  Would you call them to bail you out of jail?  Then they're WP.  If you have to think it over or try to justify why or why not, you're probably better just not asking them.

And being stuck on even sides is only going to cause problems and drama.  You should really try to get over that.

gottahavashorti

If you're hesitant on asking them, and it seems like you are, then don't ask them.

But don't base whether to ask them on the idea of having even sides.  It's really not necessary, but insisting on even sides is more silly than it is vain.  By the time you are walking down the aisle even sides or looking at your wedding pictures, will pobably not matter to you any longer.

suz62984

If you are even on the fence that is your answer. Like Aerin said: It is a knee-jerk reaction. If you have to decided if they should be in the WP or not I would say no.

mbcdefg

Don't ask someone because you feel guilty or obligated, or because of the "I have to ask X if I ask Y" mentality. That will just lead to problems and/or regret down the line.

If you are not close to Nicole, then she is probably aware of this as well, so she may not mind not being asked. And if she DOES, then it's her own fault for building up her expectations. Normal, sane people will get over not being asked ... the ones who dwell on it or hold a grudge are usually the ones who are drama queens, or psychos.

If you really want to have just Sara, ask her. If you are also torn on asking Sara, then I would not ask her. If you have to talk yourself into asking someone, then that's a good sign that you probably shouldn't ask them. And you have over 11 months to go anyway, so I'd at least put the decision aside for another month or two and then revsiit the idea - you may have a clearer picture by then.

And it's stupid to pick people just to even the sides out. You will make this a LOT easier on yourself if you get over that idea ASAP. And your child attendants aren't even anyway ... three girls and a boy ... so why are you not asking if you should find two more boys to round things out? Because it sounds silly, right? So why shouldn't the same mentality apply to the adults? What possible bad thing will happen if you do not have an even number of attendants? NOTHING.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-issue-ask-not-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f0a13d50-5346-4847-83f1-7a53e8d5bbf5Post:9789f00f-003c-4171-9766-5478ab6b274a">BM issue... to ask or not to ask?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am trying to decide on how many BMs I want in the wedding, and the issue is coming from two childhood friends.  I know who my MOH is, and one of my other BMs, but I don't know if I want just the two, or if I want to ask two girls that I grew up with...  The two friends in question, we'll call them Sara and Nicole, are old friends, I've known them both for almost 20 years, our parents are still neighbors.  I still talk to Sara and we both currently live in the same city, but Nicole is living with her mother again, and I don't talk to her as much as Sara.  Our mothers are all close, as well.  As kids/teenagers, we were all inseperable, but as adults, we have started to grow apart.  Sara and Nicole are still pretty good friends, much like Sara and myself.  I feel like if I ask Sara, I will have to ask Nicole.  I consider both of them friends, and <strong>(yes, call me vain) I want an even number of attendants in the WP</strong>.  We are also having three flower girls and a ring bearer.  I know I should do what makes me happy, but I<strong>'ve gotten so used to making everyone else happy and not worrying about myself</strong> that it's hard to stop, and to be quite honest, I don't know what would make me happy here....  any ideas?
Posted by mizri[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Now there's a contradiction.  </div><div>
</div><div>Making everyone else happy =/= treating people like props.

</div>

mizri

The thing with the even number of attentants, like I said, is kinda vain, I have it in my head how I want the pictures to look, and I've always said I wanted an even number of BMs.  Yes, silly, I know.  I'm not in denial.  And as for the child attendants, I have a 5-year-old son who will be our RB, and FI and I each have 3-year-old daughters.  The third is my MOH's 6-year-old daughter, who will be escorted by my son.  The smaller girls are walking together.  I think I will just wait it out and make that decision closer to the wedding.  Like PP said, I have over 11 months.  

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-issue-ask-not-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f0a13d50-5346-4847-83f1-7a53e8d5bbf5Post:4964d8e9-5cf8-4b63-9cdf-7a1f765cb6ac">Re: BM issue... to ask or not to ask?</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing with the even number of attentants, like I said, is kinda vain, I have it in my head how I want the pictures to look, and I've always said I wanted an even number of BMs.  Yes, silly, I know.  I'm not in denial.  And as for the child attendants, I have a 5-year-old son who will be our RB, and FI and I each have 3-year-old daughters.  The third is my MOH's 6-year-old daughter, who will be escorted by my son.  The smaller girls are walking together.  I think I will just wait it out and make that decision closer to the wedding.  Like PP said, I have over 11 months.  
Posted by mizri[/QUOTE]

<div>If you care more about your pictures than people, fine.  So long as you aren't in denial about it.  </div><div>
</div><div>But don't pretend you are putting anyone else first.  </div>

mbcdefg

The pictures will be fine as long as they are filled with people you care about. If you're busy counting heads in every photo, then you've lost sight of what attendants are actually for (to honor your dearest friends).

You're wise to wait it out a while and see how you feel in a month or two. In the meantime, if you want to see photos of uneven bridal parties, I am sure that people on this board who had them will gladly share their pretty pictures with you.

mizri

But even number of attendants aside, I would still feel torn.  Nicole used to be closer to me than Sara as we were growing up.  Sara and I grew closer with age, where Nicole and I grew apart.  We still talk, just not much.  I always imagined Nicole in my wedding, as well as Sara.  Yes, I am OCD about symmetry.  Yes, I cannot escape the odd number of child attendants.  Yes, that will bother me to some extent because of the OCD.  I like things even and uniform.  In all of my original wedding plans, especially during the (albeit stupid) engagement to my childrens' father, my son and my daughter would be the only two children.  But things change.  And I'm learning to deal with that.  The main issue isn't really the even number of attendants.  I guess I am just looking for justification where I need none.  At least I can admit it.  

mbcdefg

Worry about who is currently close to you, not who you USED to be close to. It's totally understandable to want to honor longtime relationships, but the past is in the past. I'd probably have about 15 attendants, instead of just two, if I included everyone who used to be a best friend of mine.

People grow and change. That's just a fact of life. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't feel the same way about Nicole that you used to. It sounds like you already know that, because you admit that you and Sara grew closer while you and Nicole did not.

If you want to ask Nicole, do it. Just be aware that a lot of people wind up regretting it ... some people come to this board and express that they're frustrated that they're not as close with a BM anymore and are wondering why they included her in their wedding. Or they're furious that the BM doesn't seem interested in the wedding plans and won't help out (um, DUH! Because she's not a close friend anymore!!!).

The best way to avoid getting disappointed is to expect nothing more from all your BMs than to get the dress and show up to the wedding, because that is all they're technically required to do. Good friends will (usually) do more for you, so that will end up as a pleasant bonus for you if they do indeed do nice things for you. Not-so-close friends might not do any more than those two things, so if you only expect those two things then you will be satisfied if those are the only two things you get from her.

And my reasoning for pointing out the uneven child attendants ... I mean, you COULD "escape" the uneven number (as you said) by asking two more boys. But you've chosen not to, because you're choosing to honor the kids that mean a lot to you, instead of finding random kids to make the pictures look "prettier." (I don't get why photos of an unequal number of people would ever look bad.) So apply the same logic to your adult attendants

aerinpegadrak

I recently met the girlfriend of one of our GM, who has serious OCD about even numbers.  As in, she used to have full-blown panic attacks if there were an odd number of pieces of silverware on the table.  She controls it now by coming up with whatever justification is necessary to make the odd number even (e.g. there were three glasses on the coffee table, she told herself that a votive holder was the fourth glass).  I warned her that we have an uneven wedding party; she said that she would just tell herself that the officiant did or didn't count depending on which would make it even.

So if you have OCD that severe, then yes, you probably need even sides.  Otherwise, you're just being really silly and superficial, and sending a clear message that numbers are more important than people.

aliciadiane

I waited as long as I possibly could because I was faced with a similar decision. I didn't want to hurt feelings by not asking... You have to picture your wedding day and think of the people that are going to enhance it! Think of the people you want to share the entire day with, they people that you have the most fun with, that put you at ease, and will be focused on making your day great! Good Luck, it is tough!

Sea24Q

I am currently in a very similar situation. I still do not know what I'm doing. I'm waiting as long as I can to see if anything changes. I do not want to start my marriage by pissing off friends and relatives. But even more so, I do not want someone standing by me that I do not necessarily WANT up there. I disagree that it is a knee-jerk reaction. My wedding is 2 years after my proposal. Already one of my best friends - who was a knee-jerk reaction possibility - has gotten upset about me "moving on" from our friendship. That is not true, it's just evolving. If she can't see that then I don't want her up there with me; I'm very lucky I didn't make a knee-jerk reaction. There is so much possible drama in a WP that does not have to be there, so I think being careful with it is good. Just don't let their feelings overwhelm your feelings. This is your day!
GOOD LUCK!