Advice

Manwaithiel

Hey ladies.

I'm in a bit of tight spot and I would like some opinions on how to proceed.

This is going to get kind of long cause you're going to need some background. Bear with me, if you can.

I have my father who is technically my step father. He adopted me and as far as I'm concerned, he's my father. Then there's my "father", we'll call him chromosome man for amusement.

My parents divorced when I was quite young. Chromosome was awful. Anyway, I didn't reconnect with his family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) until high school graduation, so about 3 years ago.

I've been walking a tight line because I still want absolutely nothing to do with Chromosome. Nothing. Not a bit. My grandmother (his mother) however, thinks her precious baby boy did absolutely nothing wrong (besides the hitting, threatening with a firearm...did I mention he was a cop???) and wants nothing more but for us to be reconciled. Hell to the no as far as I'm concerned.

My grandmother has been told over and over again that she is not to tell Chromosome where we live or what's going on in our lives. That includes my wedding, where it is, etc, because he is most certainly not invited.

Well...this is where things get awful. She gave him my parents address (where my brother still lives) AND my college apartment address where I am. My parents are furious. I'm furious. I'm worried sick, too. I'm only going to be there until December, but what about my roommates who are staying until May? What about my mom and brother who DO NOT need to see him even a little bit.

My dad called my grandmother up, screaming at her, telling her that as far as he was concerned, they needed to stay out of their lives for good (my parents were trying to be accommodating since I was talking to them again). He also said that as far as he's concerned, they're not welcome at the wedding.

I really wanted to invite them. Especially my grandfather, who did not realize my grandmother had done what she did until later. When he found out, he was really mad at her too and demanded she tell us which is the only reason we knew what happened.

What to do?

It's a cluster to be sure. Anyone who manages to read all this is a saint.

Your thoughts?

gottahavashorti

This may not be the best solution, but I would invite them via invitation given secretly to your grandfather under strict orders not to disclose the date to your grandmother until the last minute, or the location or address at all until she is at the venue.  Of course, that won't work if you are inviting other members of their family.

And let your grandmother know that if she gives your bio-dad any more of your contact information, she will no longer be in contact with you.  I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums but it sounds like she doesn't understand that her precious little boy could do anything wrong.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30206f2-0a50-407c-b706-3be35255ccb9Post:510a1332-5546-41ec-b8c4-31c7341ab6b3">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Ouch. Do you live on campus?  Can you notify campus police that this man is not welcome at your apartment (while you're there, and definitely when you're NOT there), and that they should escort him from the campus as persona non grata should he happen to show up? I would tell your parents that you still want your grandparents invited.  That was a horrible thing for your grandmother to do, but your grandfather shouldn't be punished for it...it had nothing to do with him, and it's not like you can invite him and not her.  You can still have your grandparents at the wedding and not have them associate with your mom and dad.  Just seat them at another table (with other family members). I'm really, really sorry about all this.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

This. Even if you don't live on campus, but live in an aparetment complex there should be a front office that you can inform them of the situation. They will at least have the heads up that if anyone comes into the office asking where so and so apartment number is they'll know to call and inform you that someone is inquiring, and not allow him near your apartment.

I agree that your grandfather shouldn't be punished for your grandmother's (HUGE) mistake. I would tell your parents you stil want them invited, but re-consider inviting anyone else from his family. The more people that know him, that know where the venue is, the bigger chance he'll find out.

SSaltzman87

I agree with the PPs that your grandfather should be invited, he didn't do anything wrong. He seems like he understands where you and your parents are coming from, so I guess somehow get an invitation to him secretly (maybe meet up with him somewhere) and figure out some sort of plan.

Also, I say to not give your grandma ANY info whatsoever-whether it's wedding related or not. She's broken your family's trust and seems quite oblivious to the situation.

mbcdefg

Is there any way you can tell your grandparents the date, without telling them the actual location? (Meaning, this might not work if you live in a small town and there's really only one option for where to have your wedding.)

If that's the case, I'd personally just tell your grandparents to save the date, but give them no other info. On the day of the wedding, tell them what what time to be ready, and send a car service to pick them up and drive them to the location, and back home again afterward.

That way, Grandma isn't hounding Grandpa for the information. And Chromosome won't be able to pester him for it, either.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30206f2-0a50-407c-b706-3be35255ccb9Post:d250b4e9-28c2-4c15-85d7-b5481b024b62">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there any way you can tell your grandparents the date, without telling them the actual location? (Meaning, this might not work if you live in a small town and there's really only one option for where to have your wedding.) If that's the case, I'd personally just tell your grandparents to save the date, but give them no other info. On the day of the wedding, tell them what what time to be ready, and send a car service to pick them up and drive them to the location, and back home again afterward. That way, Grandma isn't hounding Grandpa for the information. And Chromosome won't be able to pester him for it, either.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

I really, really, really like this idea.

SSaltzman87

Ditto malphabet, I hadn't thought of that-but it just might be the best solution :-)

frogurt814

Ya, the fact that they live in Hawaii does really make this situation more difficult.  Luckily, your grandpa sounds really trustworthy so at least you will be able to talk to him.

kathrynhabibti

I'm late to the discussion, but I think your plan from everyone's great advice is the best way forward, Kate.

lalap69

It sounds like you've got a solid plan in place.  I hope it all works out.  I just wanted to say how much I think it sucks that you have to deal with this at all.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30206f2-0a50-407c-b706-3be35255ccb9Post:d2b736f6-ffb5-4ea8-a140-5cc40848f964">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]When Chelsea Clinton got married, guests were just told a date and a state and were given the specifics a week before the wedding.  Could you do something similar: They know to fly to Virginia on that date and get a hotel in X town, but then you do the car service thing to the specific location?  Unless you live in a really rural community, I don't know if you'd have to worry about Chromosome finding you guys there, and if Grandma doesn't know where it is specifically until she arrives, she can't tip him off ahead of time.  Just make sure no one gives her a cell phone that day. Good luck!
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

That's a definite possibility. I could talk to my parents about that.

Thank you and lalap for your best wishes =)

mkrupar

Sounds like you've got a plan now with everyone's advice. I hope this works out for you and doesn't lead to any more stress. GL

trix1223

I wish I had advice for you, but I think some of the others have given you some great suggestions.  I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you're going through this.  I hope that this doesn't cast a shadow over your planning and/or wedding day.  GL.

kathrynhabibti

Yes, me too. I apologize loads for not saying that earlier.

Manwaithiel

Thanks, guys. I think it's going to be okay. I'm more concerned with protecting my family and friends from him then my wedding. It is a bit of a pain to deal with, but every wedding has it's problems. Our families are going to figure it out, I'm sure.