My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table

clearheavens

One of my BMs is in a one-year relationship with a guy who isn't in the WP.  I've known her for 9 years.  But I've been acquainted with her BF for about a year, or for as long as she started dating him.

We've invited my BM and her BF to our house warming party, for dinner, and so on, so he's familiarized himself around mutual friends.  We were hoping that her BF would eventually feel comfortable enough to sit with one of these mutual friends at the wedding so that my BM can sit at the head table with me.

However, a few days ago, my BM told me that she would like to sit with her BF away from the head table.  Her reason was that her BF is shy and doesn't seem to mix with any of our mutual friends due to different interests and age.  I always thought he was outgoing, that it didn't bother him that he's only 23 and most of us are 30+, that my friends are the engineering + video games type and he's the artsy type, and that since he's a beer drinker he could hang out at the bar most of the night anyway.  There's also an element of insecurity since he has to stand or sit by her all the time and follows her very closely at every event we've been to together.

I felt disappointed, sad, maybe not full blown upset.  But definitely sad.  And I don't know what to say to her.  Is there something in wedding etiquette that I don't know about?  Was it rude of me not have planned for her BF sit with us at the head table?  Or to not include him in the WP?  Is it common for a BM to sit away from the head table?

bablingbrooke

You shouldn't be splitting up couples at the head table anyway.  Goes against the theme of love and marriage to split up established couples for the reception.  She is right.  You are wrong.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:23c704fe-7196-4f52-a4af-cf23d1d7e51b">My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my BMs is in a one-year relationship with a guy who isn't in the WP.  I've known her for 9 years.  But I've been acquainted with her BF for about a year, or for as long as she started dating him. We've invited my BM and her BF to our house warming party, for dinner, and so on, so he's familiarized himself around mutual friends.  We were hoping that her BF would eventually feel comfortable enough to sit with one of these mutual friends at the wedding so that my BM can sit at the head table with me. However, a few days ago, my BM told me that she would like to sit with her BF away from the head table.  Her reason was that her BF is shy and doesn't seem to mix with any of our mutual friends due to different interests and age.  I always thought he was outgoing, that it didn't bother him that he's only 23 and most of us are 30+, that my friends are the engineering + video games type and he's the artsy type, and that since he's a beer drinker he could hang out at the bar most of the night anyway.  There's also an element of insecurity since he has to stand or sit by her all the time and follows her very closely at every event we've been to together. I felt disappointed, sad, maybe not full blown upset.  But definitely sad.  And I don't know what to say to her.  Is there something in wedding etiquette that I don't know about?  Was it rude of me not have planned for her BF sit with us at the head table?  Or to not include him in the WP?  Is it common for a BM to sit away from the head table?
Posted by clearheavens[/QUOTE]


Honestly, I would skip the head table all together.  You should not split up couples.  How would you feel if you went to an event and could not sit next to your husband?  I would put the couples together and do a sweetheart table for the two of you.  You don't want to be a rude hostess and make a guest uncomfortable.  If you are truly set on a head table, put your family there and your wedding party with other people they know.  Second option is to allow your BM to sit with her guy.  They will both have a better time if you do and, with all due respect, you are going to be so busy talking, dancing and eating to worry about where your wedding party is sitting.

Robyn5298

I don't blame you for being disappointed, I would be too.  If I was in someone's wedding party and told I couldn't sit with my date I wouldn't be thrilled about it, but I'd suck it up and sit where I was told.  After all, its only for dinner.  However, she has told you that she and her boyfriend will be uncomfortable if you separate them so I think you ought to respect their wishes.

Is it very important for you to have a head table?  Maybe you could do a sweetheart table, where you and your fiance sit, and the rest of the wedding party can be seated at regular tables with their dates.  That way you still get the special table for you and your fiance, but don't have to split up your bridal party from their dates.

For what its worth my Maid of Honor originally told me that her boyfriend wasn't going to come to the wedding at all because she assumed we were having a head table and that he'd have to sit with strangers.  Once I told her we weren't having a head table, he changed his mind and is now coming.  I'm thrilled because otherwise I don't know if I'd have a chance to meet him!

nda_roxybabe

Yea, I don't blame your BM. I'd want to sit with my boyfriend too.
Even if T had been included in several pre wedding events and had a chance to meet new people he still probably wouldn't be super comfortable sitting with them.

fairy_diva

"However, a few days ago, my BM told me that she would like to sit with her BF away from the head table.  Her reason was that her BF is shy and doesn't seem to mix with any of our mutual friends due to different interests and age.  I always thought he was outgoing, that it didn't bother him that he's only 23 and most of us are 30+, that my friends are the engineering + video games type and he's the artsy type, and that since he's a beer drinker he could hang out at the bar most of the night anyway.  There's also an element of insecurity since he has to stand or sit by her all the time and follows her very closely at every event we've been to together"

Did you really say that? He is with her at functions where he doesn't know anyone.  They are a couple and if she doesn't mind him tagging along closely its not your business I have been in his shoes with my FI and frankly its not fun to be in a crowd of people you don't know. As for "hanging out at the bar all night" that';s not fair to either of them.

Head tables seriously suck.  We only have 1 couple other my FI and myself in the bridal party and I don't feel right telling them they have to sit with strangers just because I want them with me. Honestly, why do you need them sitting beside you all lined up in a row looking like a royal family?  Let her sit where she wants or better yet, ax the head table and put all your WP with their sig others/spouses.

In my opinion you need to relax and leave them alone. Don't separate couples on a day that is meant to celebrate love & relationships.

kathrynhabibti

I don't think it's fair to couples to be split up, especially on a day that's supposed to be about love and unity. You wouldn't want to sit apart from your husband at the reception, and I feel that the WP should be no different in that respect. I would skip the head table entirely - perhaps you can go with either a sweetheart table for just the two of you, or have a table with you and H, your respective parents, and BM and MOH with their SOs?

AdeleDazeem

She came to you and told you the situation.  That was very honest and thoughtful of her.  I'd listen to her and respect her and her boyfriend's wishes.  That is what a good friend would do.

And I've had to be in the boyfriend's situation - it can be a really terrible evening when you don't know anyone and are completely uncomfortable the whole time.  Why would you want anyone to remember your wedding like that?

banana468

I don't think it's ever appropriate to split up couples for the sake of a head table arrangement.

So seat your WP with their SOs at the head table or don't do a head table and go with an alternate seating arrangement that still allows your WP to sit with their SOs.

Mrs.B6302007

Yep, Get rid of the HT completely and problem solved.  Sweetheart table is the way to go in this situation.

stina93446

Either put them both at the head table or put them together in the reception hall, but do not split them up. That's super rude.

kayakrunhike

Yes, please don't split them up.  DH and I went ot a wedding where he was a GM.  I knew his friend, but not really well since we didn't go to college anywhere remotely near him.  I knew one of the other GM, and that was it.  The WP's dates were all put at the same table, and most of them knew each other already.  It was pretty awkward for me to be seated separately from DH, and I didn't enjoy myself as much as I could have bc of it.  That doesn't even include how bored I was while he was gone doing pictures for 2.5 hours. 

loop0406

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:9e9f49ca-4cff-4017-b842-0412d4e2bf66">Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]You shouldn't be splitting up couples at the head table anyway.  Goes against the theme of love and marriage to split up established couples for the reception.  She is right.  You are wrong.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]


I agree 100%. How would you feel if it was the other way around?  I wouldn't want to sit by myself while bf sits at head table

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:544f800b-d189-48bb-a07e-4014c97c2a07">Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]Either put them both at the head table or put them together in the reception hall, but do not split them up. That's super rude.
Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

This. Don't you want your BM and your guests to feel comfortable. Sitting your BM with her SO will make both of them more comfortable so go with it. Personally I don't like head tables and wouldn't enjoy sitting at one just because you are on display as you eat. VERY uncomfortable IMO.

emilyinchile

Ditch the idea of a head table where your WP members can't sit with their dates because yes, that was rude. It's outdated and rude to them - wouldn't you rather sit with your FI at a dinner party (which is what the reception part of things is, any WP "duties" are done by that point and they should just be enjoying the party like any guests)?

You can do a sweetheart table with just the two of you, what I think is called a king's table with all WP members plus dates, or really any combination you can think of: you guys plus your parents, you two plus your MOH/Best Man and their dates, etc. No one will care how/where you sit or think it's weird, the only important thing is that every guest be able to sit with his or her date.

Manwaithiel

You should not split couples up like that. Please don't do it.

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:bb729af9-1710-4672-a32b-2ddaa182e45b">Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]She came to you and told you the situation.  That was very honest and thoughtful of her.  I'd listen to her and respect her and her boyfriend's wishes.  That is what a good friend would do. And I've had to be in the boyfriend's situation - it can be a really terrible evening when you don't know anyone and are completely uncomfortable the whole time.  Why would you want anyone to remember your wedding like that?
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

This 100%. 

clearheavens

Thank you for your opinions, girls!  I will do my best to sit the two of them together.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:36e50b8c-cd06-428f-a921-2caea3752c44">Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for your opinions, girls!  I will do my best to sit the two of them together.
Posted by clearheavens[/QUOTE]

Don't do your best, just do it. And do it for everyone else in the WP who might have dates, not just her because she had the balls to speak up about it.

banana468

I have to agree with Emily.

Just don't split your WP from their dates.  You have so many options in seating that splitting is not something that should ever be on the table.

eshaufle

Wow, I'm kind of shocked at the responses.  My friends and I have been in several weddings between all of us and we always get split up from our dates/husbands/boyfriends during dinner.  We've never even given it a second thought that this was rude to us.  If we're in the WP we just assume that we'll be seated at a head table to recongize us as those chosen close friends that the bride and groom wanted with them on their day.

I personally think that sweetheart tables look stupid and corny but even when I have seen sweetheart tables at weddings, there's still a head table with the WP seated together.

If you want a head table, just put the dates together at one table.  You said it yourself that it's not like this guy has never interacted with anyone in your group of friends before.  I think they can survive a couple hours of dinner at separate tables and then can spend all the time they want once dancing and the fun stuff starts.  This day isn't about couples in general and their love for each other...it's about you and your FI as a couple and your love.  Either way, I think their love and relationship will not disintegrate by not sitting together.

Just tell your bridesmaid that you'll make sure to put her bf with people he's met and socialized with before.  If you seat him with some close friends then you can give them a heads up to try and make an effort to include him even though I doubt this would be a problem.  I was just at a wedding where there was an odd-guy out and we were totally inclusive of him in our conversations.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:763d8b6b-3761-4da7-896b-ddf8f1e151c2">Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table : Don't do your best, just do it. And do it for everyone else in the WP who might have dates, not just her because she had the balls to speak up about it.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
Ditto.  We had no special seating for the WP.  They sat with their dates and friends, basically where they would have sat anyway.  They loved it.  They were the most fun WP I could have asked for.  I don't know if that would have been the case had we split up my BIL (the BM) from his wife and son, or my BM from her new FI...you get the idea.  Have a sweetheart table--it's the best.  It's the only alone time you'll get with your FI, and even then it'll only be about 5 minutes at a time because you'll get visitors!  And visitors during dinner are great!  No one will do it while you're in the center of 10 people up on a stage, but everyone will when you're at a sweetheart table.  <div>
</div><div>Ditch the head table.  It's not a tradition.  It's a fad from the 80s that people mistake for an actual tradition.  You won't miss it.  Your guests won't miss it.  Your WP obviously isn't thrilled about it.  Just get rid of it.</div>

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:6d3c9d2f-e50d-4adc-8ad4-adb875224e7f">Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I'm kind of shocked at the responses.  My friends and I have been in several weddings between all of us and we always get split up from our dates/husbands/boyfriends during dinner.  We've never even given it a second thought that this was rude to us.  If we're in the WP we just assume that we'll be seated at a head table to recongize us as those chosen close friends that the bride and groom wanted with them on their day. I personally think that sweetheart tables look stupid and corny but even when I have seen sweetheart tables at weddings, there's still a head table with the WP seated together. <strong>If you want a head table, just put the dates together at one table. </strong> You said it yourself that it's not like this guy has never interacted with anyone in your group of friends before.  <strong>I think they can survive a couple hours of dinner at separate tables and then can spend all the time they want once dancing and the fun stuff starts.  This day isn't about couples in general and their love for each other...it's about you and your FI as a couple and your love. </strong> Either way, I think their love and relationship will not disintegrate by not sitting together. Just tell your bridesmaid that you'll make sure to put her bf with people he's met and socialized with before.  If you seat him with some close friends then you can give them a heads up to try and make an effort to include him even though I doubt this would be a problem.  I was just at a wedding where there was an odd-guy out and we were totally inclusive of him in our conversations.
Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]
No, that's ridiculous.  Just seat the WP with their dates.  Why is that so radical a proposition?<div>
</div><div>ETAP If you are putting your WP in a position where they have to "deal with" your wedding, you're being a bad bride.  You're supposed to make your guests comfortable.  Not say, "They can just deal."  Especially since this is neither 1) a tradition nor 2) anything that will have an actual impact on the wedding.  Basically making the WP and their dates uncomfortable because you can, not for an actual reason.  </div>

mbcdefg

We had the dates at the head table with us, and it went over fine and it looked fine.

I don't get the point of splitting people up from their dates at a celebration all about love and partnership. I also don't get the point of a "wedding party only" table ... pretty sure that no wedding guest has even given a shiit as to who's sitting at the head table, and whether or not his/her attire matches the bridal party's attire.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:6d3c9d2f-e50d-4adc-8ad4-adb875224e7f">Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I'm kind of shocked at the responses.  My friends and I have been in several weddings between all of us and we always get split up from our dates/husbands/boyfriends during dinner.  We've never even given it a second thought that this was rude to us.  If we're in the WP we just assume that we'll be seated at a head table to recongize us as those chosen close friends that the bride and groom wanted with them on their day. I personally think that sweetheart tables look stupid and corny but even when I have seen sweetheart tables at weddings, there's still a head table with the WP seated together. If you want a head table, just put the dates together at one table.  You said it yourself that it's not like this guy has never interacted with anyone in your group of friends before.  I think they can survive a couple hours of dinner at separate tables and then can spend all the time they want once dancing and the fun stuff starts.  This day isn't about couples in general and their love for each other...it's about you and your FI as a couple and your love.  Either way, I think their love and relationship will not disintegrate by not sitting together. <strong>Just tell your bridesmaid that you'll make sure to put her bf with people he's met and socialized with before.</strong>  If you seat him with some close friends then you can give them a heads up to try and make an effort to include him even though I doubt this would be a problem. <strong> I was just at a wedding where there was an odd-guy out and we were totally inclusive of him in our conversations.
</strong>Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]

No.

If you are going to split them up, you might as well not let them bring a date at all as it totally defeats the purpose. Why do all the other guests get to sit with their dates and families while the "honored people" have to be split from their guests? How does that make sense?

Don't mistake your personal experience as something of the norm. Usually in those situations, the odd one out IS left out of the conversations, does NOT know anyone, and feels really awkward the entire time. Even if you "include them" they still don't know you and are just going to feel like an accessory the BM brought along for the day only to be left to their own devices. Which is not the definition of a date.

LoveBugBaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-requesting-not-sit-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f30e3171-82f1-4ba1-9d63-4879117834bePost:6d3c9d2f-e50d-4adc-8ad4-adb875224e7f">Re: My BM is requesting not to sit at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I'm kind of shocked at the responses.  My friends and I have been in several weddings between all of us and we always get split up from our dates/husbands/boyfriends during dinner.  We've never even given it a second thought that this was rude to us.  If we're in the WP we just assume that we'll be seated at a head table to recongize us as those chosen close friends that the bride and groom wanted with them on their day. I personally think that sweetheart tables look stupid and corny but even when I have seen sweetheart tables at weddings, there's still a head table with the WP seated together. If you want a head table, just put the dates together at one table.  You said it yourself that it's not like this guy has never interacted with anyone in your group of friends before.  I think they can survive a couple hours of dinner at separate tables and then can spend all the time they want once dancing and the fun stuff starts.  This day isn't about couples in general and their love for each other...it's about you and your FI as a couple and your love.  Either way, I think their love and relationship will not disintegrate by not sitting together. Just tell your bridesmaid that you'll make sure to put her bf with people he's met and socialized with before.  If you seat him with some close friends then you can give them a heads up to try and make an effort to include him even though I doubt this would be a problem.  I was just at a wedding where there was an odd-guy out and we were totally inclusive of him in our conversations.
Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]

THIS.  100%.  I'll be one of the odd ones out too.  I just don't see the big friggin' deal with sitting away from your SO for a little while.  I have and probably will in future weddings and it's never bothered me one bit. 

emilyinchile

Eshaufle, from what I've seen on here it's still common in some areas (I haven't personally seen it since 1996), but that doesn't make it less rude. A wedding reception isn't some magical land where normal social rules don't apply, and normal social rules dictate that you seat couples together during a dinner.

And it's not about whether or not someone can survive a dinner without their significant other/date...I'd hope most adults can do that, but it's the argument I see often "in favor" of head tables, as though asking for the common courtesy of being seated with your partner made you a clingy loser. It's about being gracious hosts and extending that courtesy to all your guests, including (and especially!) those who as you say are your closest friends.

eshaufle

I didn't say it was radical but I think it's apparently just as common one way or the other.  So if either way is done then I say do what you want to do just like with most wedding decisions.

I've been to several very modern and very upscale weddings that still employ the head table concept.  That has actually been the majority.  A few sweetheart tables have been sprinkled in and every wedding was lovely no matter what the seating arrangement.  I would be shocked to hear if any WP member was actually complaining about their seating configuration. 

If someone wants a head table, sweetheart table or any other kind of table then they can do whatever they want.  That's why I've never felt snubbed by not being seated with FI if I'm in the WP because it's not my day.  I guarantee I'm just as much fun whether I'm sitting with the WP or my FI.

bablingbrooke

But if you CAN seat the WP with their dates, why WOULDN'T you?  What about a head table sans WP guests is so appealing?  Is it seriously the "I'm a princess for a day" belief?  Because even real royalty seats their guests with their SOs at formal occasions.

banana468

I'm going to echo BB.

Sure you "can" do what you want.  That doesn't make it less rude.

And if your BM has already come to you to tell you that the idea of splitting her from her date is something that she finds offensive, why do it?

And why do it at all?  Is there an actual reason to do this aside from "This is how I want it?"

I can tell you that I HAVE been on the receiving end of being split from my SO and while I made the best of it, I certainly didn't have as much fun as I would have if we were seated together.

And don't forget, it isn't the bride and groom's day.  It's the day of anyone that they choose to involve and it ceases being just about them once they choose to involve others.

And please remember, your WP is "off duty" once the reception begins and the reception is FOR your guests. 

eshaufle

Maybe the people who employ the head table concept actually want to have dinner with their close friends, which is why the were asked to be in the WP in the first place.  I personally think the sweetheart table is more bride and groom-only focused so would go along better with the "I'm a princess for the day" belief since you're putting the focus on just the pair.

But that is totally fine...if people want the focus only on them and want to have alone time by all means do a sweetheart table.  If you want to eat dinner and enjoy the sit-down time amongst your closest friends then go ahead and do a head table.

We're not talking about a standard dinner party where there is obviously no head table of any kind and it would obviously make no sense to split up couples if deemed unnecessary.  However, this is a completely different concept.  The WP was singled out for a reason and I see nothing wrong with recongizing them in that way again at the dinner part of the reception if that is the route you want to go.  
 
I just don't see what the big deal is for people to just go along with the set seating arranagement for dinner that the bride and groom have set up.  I would just never be personally offended by this so I'm surprised that people would be so petty about this.  It's just a couple of hours.