Too many 'friends' Thinking of having NO wedding party.

SpecialK1077

I am newly engaged.  Time to start planning.  My fiance has an 11 year old.

Questions: 1)  What is a great way to involve my 12yo stepdaughter?  She will actually be the MOH in her own mother's 2nd marriage in May 2013.  (I have not yet picked a date.) 

2)  After sharing with friends that I am engaged, I had 2 women immediately tell me they want to be a bridesmaid, can't wait to be a bridesmaid, etc.  WHAT???? These women, although close to me since I moved to this city, by no means could they override my 2 friends from childhood.  I realized I have friends from different parts of my life who don't know eachh other...and may have never met or heard of each other.

How can I keep my wedding...My wedding?  How do you let someone know they won't be a part of the ceremony, but are close friends?

Thanks for your help!

SpecialK1077

Thanks a lot!  I think that will work.  Sidenote - I was not asked to be involved in their wedding at all and I never thought badly about it, I was happy for them. 

I think I'd like to involve my stepdaughter in some way.  Thanks for your help!

aerinpegadrak

It's fine to have no wedding party, but why would having your childhood friends mean you wouldn't be able to have these women as well?  Your attendants don't have to know each other.  If you genuinely don't want them in it, then PP's advice is great, but I'd take a close look at why you're doing it.  If your reasons for not having them are anything other than "I don't consider them to be among my closest friends," it may be worth reexamining.

For a kid that age, I'd have her dad ask her how she wants to be involved, and roll with it.  Kids can feel very differently about their parents' remarriages and even if everything is amicable, it can be kind of stressful, so it's best to let them take the lead on their interest and comfort level.

mbcdefg

1)  What is a great way to involve my 12yo stepdaughter?  She will actually be the MOH in her own mother's 2nd marriage in May 2013. 

Talk to your fiance and see what he feels is appropriate for his daughter. (If he's on decent terms with her mother then it might also be considerate to run the idea by her as well, if they share custody and therefore the mother might be in charge of taking her to dress fittings or something like that.)

It's fine to ask her to be a bridesmaid (or groom's attendant) if you both feel that she can walk down the aisle and stand/sit quietly with the other bridesmaids during the ceremony. That doesn't mean that she's obligated to plan/attend a shower or bachelorette for you.

(I have not yet picked a date.)

Then put the brakes on your bridal party plans for now! Book your venues, set a date, and only ask people to be in the wedding when the set-in-stone date is about 10-12 months away. Don't ask them to be in an event if you don't know exactly when or where that event will take place.

2)  After sharing with friends that I am engaged, I had 2 women immediately tell me they want to be a bridesmaid, can't wait to be a bridesmaid, etc.  WHAT???? These women, although close to me since I moved to this city, by no means could they override my 2 friends from childhood. 

There's absolutely no reason why you are limited to a certain number of bridesmaids. Even if your fiance only chooses two groomsmen. Ask who you want. You should ask your closest friends. It's not like you can't ask your two childhood friends if you were to ask these two new friends.

I realized I have friends from different parts of my life who don't know eachh other...and may have never met or heard of each other.

Why should that matter? They are there to support YOU, not to become best buddies with each other. There's no reason why all of your bridesmaids have to be close friends or even know each other.

How can I keep my wedding...My wedding?  How do you let someone know they won't be a part of the ceremony, but are close friends?

Choose who you want, regardless of their age, their financial situation, where they live, how long you've known them, how many guys your fiance chooses, how well they'd plan your wedding or a shower/bachelorette, if they know your other friends, etc. The criteria only needs to be, "I would really love X standing there by my side when I get married." Nothing more.

Never sit someone down and explain why they are not a bridesmaid.

Try to avoid the topic. Say nothing about your bridal party around them and hopefully they will get the hint. Right now, just say, "We only JUST got engaged and we're not thinking of a bridal party yet" and then change the subject. Once you've chosen, if they outright ask about being a bridesmaid then reply, "I've already asked a small bridal party. I am looking forward to having a lot of fun with you as a guest!" and change the topic.

You can ask semi-close friends to do readings, if you want to involve them in a way other than bridesmaid. But do it because you want to include a semi-close friend, not because you want to offer them a consolation prize. These people are adults and will probably be nowhere near as crushed as you might think they'll be if they are not your bridesmaids ... but if they ARE that crushed, well, that's not your problem if they're that obsessive.

Belle0720

Firstly, congratulations on your engagement!

Before making any wedding party decisions you should really set a date. But once you've done that...

1)I would have your FI really talk to his daughter to see how she'd like to be involved in the wedding. I think I was about that age when my dad remarried and they told me I was a bridesmaid. To this day I can vividly remember how I absolutely hated every moment of it; from the fittings to getting ready with her on the day-of, it all felt very awkward for me. I'm sure you aren't as crazy as my dad's wife who handmade our heinous doll-like dresses(same dress for a 12 year old as for a 25 yr old and a 45 year old) with fake floral head pieces, ballet slippers, etc...but unless you are very close with her I'd let her be on your FI's side if she wants to be involved at all.

2)Once you are ready to choose your BMs, pick your closest friends/family, the people who you can't picture your wedding day without them standing next to you. While it's awkward that people already nominated themselves as BMs you don't have to choose those people. If you want to include them in a different way than being BMs you can always ask them do a reading.

sanderskn

To be honest, I wish I wouldn't have had a wedding party. We are only having one because my fiance really wanted to and I had to pick people to match. I think its silly and outdated to hae people just randomly standing up there with you.

mbcdefg

To be honest, I wish I wouldn't have had a wedding party. We are only having one because my fiance really wanted to and I had to pick people to match. I think its silly and outdated to hae people just randomly standing up there with you.

Who told you that you "had" to do this?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_too-many-friends-thinking-of-having-no-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f32dbdee-0f87-452f-8581-8e68f2533c72Post:87f9f9a4-85e8-4709-8836-a1c80e3c56dd">Re: Too many 'friends' Thinking of having NO wedding party.</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, I wish I wouldn't have had a wedding party. We are only having one because my fiance really wanted to and<strong> I had to pick people to match</strong>. I think its silly and outdated to hae people just randomly standing up there with you.
Posted by sanderskn[/QUOTE]

No you didn't.  Attendants on one side and not the other is fine.  The only people who have to be matched at the wedding are the ones exchanging vows.