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Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....

No this is NOT one of those "I'm mad cuz my preggo MOH/BM will ruin my wedding pics" posts. I actually have always wanted a preggo BM ever since I was little and went to my cousins wedding and she had a preggo BM and the dress was adorable and it looked so cute. IN FACT, i <3 baby bellies. It's an obsession. So freakin adorable. So nobody get upset at me please, I've seen the responses to when people ask serious questions about kicking their BM out of the wedding party for getting pregnant and it is not pretty.

HOWEVER, I actually do have a legit concern and I don't know how to handle my feelings about it. Heres the dealio: My MOH has been my best friend for 12 years. My wedding is in May. Guess what is ALSO in May...her due date. Not just in the same month...I'm pretty sure it's going to be the same week or even the same day. Her first appointment is Wed so we'll find out then but counting back, it turns up pretty close or even exact. My concern is multi-dimensional.

At the risk of sounding selfish, one concern is just that she won't be able to stand up with me at my wedding. And by stand up, I don't exactly mean physically (even though I'm sure she'll require a chair if she does make it)- I mostly mean emotionally. She may be in the hospital and dealing with her own joyous occasion and not even thinking about my wedding. Which I thoroughly understand and respect, but it is very heartbreaking to think about.

Granted, while I may feel a slight pang of jealousy (this is her second child and my husband and I have been trying a while) I am EXTREMELY happy for her. I am just really disappointed at the prospect that not only is there a possibility that she may not make it to my DESTINATION wedding (28 hrs car ride from where we live since she can't fly in third trimester), I will also not be able to be at the hospital with her during her labor like a good BFF should be. (I missed the birth of her son due to other complications and it actually breaks my heart thinking I might miss this one).

Furthermore, her father is my officiate (not ordained...he's basically an emcee since we're already married- court house elopement, no family present- and we're just having an informal beach ceremony). If she goes into labor on my wedding day or anytime close to it, you can bet he will be at the hospital rather than at my wedding. Even though he basically raised me and he is like a father to me, obviously his biological daughter takes precedence and I respect that.

Do I have a right to feel at least a little bit disappointed in all of this? It actually almost hurts my feelings since I've been planning this for three years. I want to be excited for her, but I think my concerns are overpowering the excitement and I'm coming across bitter, which I don't mean to do at all.....What do I do!?!?
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Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....

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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited September 2010
    It's totally understandable that you'd be disappointed that she probably will miss the wedding. No one will deny you your feelings.  But this is one of those times when you feel bummed for a day or two and then move on.  And honestly, come the wedding, you'll be so happy for everything that's going on that you won't be upset that she's not there--you'll be happy about the reason she's missing.  Once I saw DH on our wedding day, nothing could bring me down.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-moh-long-explanation-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f338a20a-6ed6-49df-860b-8acfc6b83057Post:88293399-8394-483e-93e4-3f80b7f09e5c">Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....</a>:
    [QUOTE]No this is NOT one of those "I'm mad cuz my preggo MOH/BM will ruin my wedding pics" posts. I actually have always wanted a preggo BM ever since I was little and went to my cousins wedding and she had a preggo BM and the dress was adorable and it looked so cute. IN FACT, i <3 baby bellies. It's an obsession. So freakin adorable. So nobody get upset at me please, I've seen the responses to when people ask serious questions about kicking their BM out of the wedding party for getting pregnant and it is not pretty. HOWEVER, I actually do have a legit concern and I don't know how to handle my feelings about it. Heres the dealio: My MOH has been my best friend for 12 years. My wedding is in May. Guess what is ALSO in May...her due date. Not just in the same month...I'm pretty sure it's going to be the same week or even the same day. Her first appointment is Wed so we'll find out then but counting back, it turns up pretty close or even exact. My concern is multi-dimensional. At the risk of sounding selfish, one concern is just that she won't be able to stand up with me at my wedding. And by stand up, I don't exactly mean physically (even though I'm sure she'll require a chair if she does make it)- I mostly mean emotionally. She may be in the hospital and dealing with her own joyous occasion and not even thinking about my wedding. Which I thoroughly understand and respect, but it is very heartbreaking to think about. Granted, while I may feel a slight pang of jealousy (this is her second child and my husband and I have been trying a while) I am EXTREMELY happy for her. I am just really disappointed at the prospect that not only is there a possibility that she may not make it to my DESTINATION wedding (28 hrs car ride from where we live since she can't fly in third trimester), I will also not be able to be at the hospital with her during her labor like a good BFF should be. (I missed the birth of her son due to other complications and it actually breaks my heart thinking I might miss this one). Furthermore, her father is my officiate (not ordained...he's basically an emcee since we're already married- court house elopement, no family present- and we're just having an informal beach ceremony). If she goes into labor on my wedding day or anytime close to it, you can bet he will be at the hospital rather than at my wedding. Even though he basically raised me and he is like a father to me, obviously his biological daughter takes precedence and I respect that. Do I have a right to feel at least a little bit disappointed in all of this? It actually almost hurts my feelings since I've been planning this for three years. I want to be excited for her, but I think my concerns are overpowering the excitement and I'm coming across bitter, which I don't mean to do at all.....What do I do!?!?
    Posted by bnfitz07[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>1. This is a vow renewal, not a wedding.</div><div>
    </div><div>2. I understand that you're a bit disappointed that your dear friend may not be able to make it (and honestly I wouldn't count on it if it's a 28 hours car ride because I wouldn't want to be that far away from my hospital and doctor that close to my due date).  But that's life and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change this situation.  Just support her.</div><div>
    </div><div>3. Since this isn't a legal ceremony, you can have anyone officiate your ceremony.  I would find a backup if I were you.

    </div>
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    Preach it, tldh. 

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    Stage, I was totally on board with her feeling her feelings when I thought it was her actual wedding. I would be bummed too if my BFF couldn't make it, and I'd feel bad not being there for her while she was giving birth.  But the long and short of it is, this isn't her wedding.  So it's kind of a non-issue.
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    I'm sorry that your friend won't be there for your vow renewal.

    I think it's understandable that your friend won't be there for your vow renewal.

    I think it's to be expected that your friend's dad will be by her side on the day of your vow renewal should she give birth or be close to it. 

    (BTW:  He'd be an OFFICIANT who would OFFICIATE at your vow renewal.  Officiate is a verb, officiant is a noun.)

    While I understand your disappointment, I think you need to let it go, because, after all, it's not your wedding.  It's a vow renewal.  You had your wedding, and only get one of those.

    Good luck, and happy vow renewal.
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    Personally, I lose sympathy just because I find the idea of having a WP for a vow renewal so ridiculous.  And, sure, you can be disappointed, but when it's not even a wedding I think you have to go into it with the realization that people you care about aren't going to be there just because they aren't willing to put that much energy into witnessing a do-over.  So when somebody has a really legitimate reason not to be there..... meh.
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    Of course it's natural to feel disappointed if your friend can't make it to your celebration. But, hey, that's life. Things happen. Wish her well and move on.

    Like PPs said, if it's not a legal wedding then it really doesn't matter who "officiates" your event, so it's not like everything will be ruined if her father isn't able to lead your ceremony. Talk to someone else who enjoys public speaking (maybe a sibling or another bridal party member) and ask if they'd mind being a backup emcee/officiant/whatever in case this girl's dad can't make it.
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    edited September 2010
    I can understand your disappointment. It really seems a little early to start stressing about this though. Her appointment is on Wednesday so just wait to find out the due date then and go about dealing with things from there. You will never know when she will go into labor. Even if her due date is your wedding, she could give birth 2-3 months, weeks, days before schedule; she could give birth 2 weeks late. You also can't predict bed rest, complications, etc. At least you know up front that you will just have to roll with the punches.

    She may decide to stick in the wedding at which case you can ask her closer to the rehearsal whether or not she would like to stand or sit at the ceremony. She may decide to back out of the wedding. You could put her in the program as a honorary BM. Think about who you could use as a backup preacher just in case. Also, if the preacher has to back out for the birth I'm sure he can recommend someone to you or make calls to other preacher friends on your behalf.

    I went to a friend's wedding in March. A mutual friend/BM was pregnant and was in the ceremony. She stood there and had a good time. Of course, they left early from the reception because she was exhausted. 3 days later she had a baby girl.

    Also, have you considered moving the date back a month or up a month? It would be easier done now than later into the planning.
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    I agree with Stage, too.  You have the right to be a little sad. 

    And whatever about it being a vow renewal.  True, its not your wedding, and I wouldn't note it as such in invitations and such.  Don't listen people tell you that it cant be just as important and exciting for you. 

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    You have to start preparing yourself for the fact that your friend will probably not be able to attend the wedding.  Even if her due date is a week or two after the vow renewal date, she will probably not want to be so far away from her home so close at that time.  It may even be uncomfortable for her to ride in a car so long.  Her dad will probably not want to be so far away from his daughter either.

    Yes, it's normal to feel disappointed, and I think it's actually good that you're venting anonymously so that you can get these feelings out and avoid sounding bitter and sad when you talk to your friend.  You must avoid that because she's probably sad that she won't get to be at your vow renewal. 

    I don't understand the posters who think you shouldn't feel disapointed or upset or sad.  People can feel any way they want.  It's how they deal with those feelings that's important.  If you tell your friend, "it's a shame you won't be there for my vow renewal, but I'm so excited for the baby!" she will know that you care for her and that you'll miss her presence but she'll never know the bitter feelings you've been having.  And that's how it should be. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-moh-long-explanation-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f338a20a-6ed6-49df-860b-8acfc6b83057Post:dd43f401-41d0-498d-96db-c75ae2971759">Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry.... : Actually, I went over all the responses and absolutely everyone said that it's O.K./understandable/normal to feel disappointed if the friend can't make it to the vow renewal.
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

    Touche.  I stand corrected.
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    Yet another unsubstantiated claim of, "Y'all are too mean!"  Sigh.
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    Thanks for all the responses! I appreciate the honesty. To clarify though. although many of you will probably still think of it as "just a vow renewal" I will try to explain the reasoning behind the whole thing:

    My husband and I are both military. Our wedding was supposed to be Sept 2008. However, his deployment got moved forward and after much discussion with family and dear friends, we decided to have a justice of the peace ceremony before he left. I did not want to spend my entire life regretting not marrying the man of my dreams if he went off to war and never came home. I'm sorry if that sounds cliche, but that was the thought behind it. In an attempt to think positively, we also decided the extra time would allow us to save more money and upgrade our orignal plans since our families are not well off financially and we would be paying out of our own pockets.

    So we got married in March, moved in together and spent 3 lovely months together before we deployed. We reset the wedding date three separate times and each time either his deployments or my training got in the way. (You may say "Why didn't you get married in those months" and the answer is because our families are from different state and one or antoher would have to travel and again, they don't have much money and therefore needed time to save up)

    They are out of cycle during this next date, so if all goes well, we will not have to change it again. So yes, it is a vow renewal. however I see it more as the wedding the war took away from me. It's ok if you don't agree with my logic, everyone thinks differently. The point is, all of my guests are already aware of the back story and my wedding party is excited to stand up next to us like they would have three years ago.

    I am not looking for sympathy or pity. All I wanted to know was if feeling disappointed was normal. I want my best friend at my wedding, just like I want to be at the birth of my best friend's child. I don't think either of those desires are selfish in the least. Nor did I say I was mad that her father couldn't be at my wedding, in fact I said I respect that he would obviously be by his daughter's side. All I'm saying is that I am saddened by the whole situation. 
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    I respect your follow-up a lot. I don't know that I would still have a WP in your situation, but I understand why you are and just wanted to compliment you on responding the way you did (vs. getting upset people didn't agree with you and telling everyone they're horrible people).

    I'm sorry your MOH most likely won't be there and that you will miss the birth. I'd probably look for a back-up officiant since it sounds like her dad may well not be there anyway (but only have that person step in if the dad can't make it). And beyond that, I think you just have to be honest with her - I'm sure she's disappointed to miss your ceremony too, and hopefully as long as you both know that any negativity is coming from how much you love each other and are sad not to be there for the other one, that'll prevent too many hurt feelings if you have a moment of not being 100% positive about everything.
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    bnfitz - I think your feelings make sense. It's ok to be sad or disappointed, as long as you don't make her feel guilty. And whatever you call it - wedding, vow renewal, ceremony, reception, party - doesn't matter. It's what the event means to you and your fiance that matters. So, congratulations, and I hope it rocks!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-moh-long-explanation-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f338a20a-6ed6-49df-860b-8acfc6b83057Post:6562807b-d910-47d5-a34c-b399dbf59050">Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for all the responses! I appreciate the honesty. To clarify though. although many of you will probably still think of it as "just a vow renewal" I will try to explain the reasoning behind the whole thing: My husband and I are both military. Our wedding was supposed to be Sept 2008. However, his deployment got moved forward and after much discussion with family and dear friends, we decided to have a justice of the peace ceremony before he left. I did not want to spend my entire life regretting not marrying the man of my dreams if he went off to war and never came home. I'm sorry if that sounds cliche, but that was the thought behind it. In an attempt to think positively, we also decided the extra time would allow us to save more money and upgrade our orignal plans since our families are not well off financially and we would be paying out of our own pockets. So we got married in March, moved in together and spent 3 lovely months together before we deployed. We reset the wedding date three separate times and each time either his deployments or my training got in the way. (You may say "Why didn't you get married in those months" and the answer is because our families are from different state and one or antoher would have to travel and again, they don't have much money and therefore needed time to save up) They are out of cycle during this next date, so if all goes well, we will not have to change it again. So yes, it is a vow renewal. however I see it more as the wedding the war took away from me. It's ok if you don't agree with my logic, everyone thinks differently. The point is, all of my guests are already aware of the back story and my wedding party is excited to stand up next to us like they would have three years ago. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. All I wanted to know was if feeling disappointed was normal. I want my best friend at my wedding, just like I want to be at the birth of my best friend's child. I don't think either of those desires are selfish in the least. Nor did I say I was mad that her father couldn't be at my wedding, in fact I said I respect that he would obviously be by his daughter's side. All I'm saying is that I am saddened by the whole situation. 
    Posted by bnfitz07[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>None of this changes the fact that this is still just a vow renewal, not a real wedding.  You already had your wedding.  Nor does any of this change the fact that it is still pretty ridiculous to have a WP at a vow renewal.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Sure, you have every right to feel disappointed, but short of moving the vow renewal up or back, there isn't anything you can do about it.  All you can do is deal with it, be sad about it, and then get over it and move on.</div><div>
    </div>
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    OP, seriously, do what you think is right. Especially if you've alread talked with your guests and everyone is cool with it. If everyone who is important is on board, then that's all that matters. It's not like you're answering to the Knot patrons after your wedding.

    Yes you can be disappointed, but just be so for awhile and then move on with life. I'm sure everything is going to work itself out.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-moh-long-explanation-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f338a20a-6ed6-49df-860b-8acfc6b83057Post:dd1e640e-99f1-4ee6-8bff-fb841cc19b33">Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....</a>:
    [QUOTE]You can feel whatever you want.<strong>  I wouldn't express these feelings to anyone else, even internet strangers.</strong>  I'm disappointed that my best friends cannot make it to my wedding because one was just hospitalized because of her lupus and the other just had emergency back surgery.  I put on my big girl panties and talked to them as much as I could.  I didn't mention the wedding unless they asked a question because I was more concerned about how they were doing. <strong> I didn't start a thread to whine about how they won't be there for me.
    </strong>Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

    Not that I would start a thread for whining, but isn't that what posts are for? We all have some sort of anonymity, and sometimes we don't necessarily have a million other people to talk to in "real life" or may not want to. Some of my posts are questions that I know people on TK can answer because they're more experienced, or going through the same things, or can just offer an ear (or eye). Some people need to get their feelings out somewhere...I think TK made the boards for that....no? Regardless of her situation, I don't think it's necessary to attack her reason for posting... 

    Just sayin.
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    OP I think that eventually you're going to need to move past your dissapointment and like the PP's said you probably won't have much trouble doing that on your special day, as you'll be so excited. And when you get back into town you'll have a wonderful new baby to meet.

    However I just wanted to say to some of the PP's that you shouldn't necessarily dismiss a vow renewal as trivial. For some people that's their real wedding.

    One example is a friend of mine. He met a woman in Korea and she moved to Canada with him. They set a wedding date, however the government informed them that she was going to be deported before that date. So they had a court house wedding, as it was too late to change any plans around and that had a big wedding and invited everyone to celebrate with them.

    Often there are reasons why people have court house weddings, that we have no idea about. I think it would feel pretty awful to have my vow renewal ceremony dismissed as trivial.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-moh-long-explanation-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f338a20a-6ed6-49df-860b-8acfc6b83057Post:6f20fd20-3956-47c3-ba70-51d88c1cb992">Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Keep in mind though that by saying the vow renewal is their real wedding and the court house was not, it trivializes those who DID have a courthouse wedding and who DO consider that to be their real wedding. You can certainly have the big party, but remember that for some, an intimate wedding with a JP shouldn't be pitied.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree and that's the point I'm trying to get across. For some people their dream is a court house wedding and maybe they'll have a wonderful dinner afterwards. For other they were forced into it by circumstances and it wasn't the wedding they wanted. My point is that each individuals "big day" is going to be different. The fact that I wouldn't want a court house wedding, doesn't trivialize those who do. It's just different tastes.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited September 2010
    Also remember that likely some of her guests are going to feel the same way about vow renewals as people here.  My sister and her husband eloped, then had a big Catholic convalidation with all the wedding trimmings later.  Said convalidation fell on the same date as a major tournament in which I was competing.  Had it been her wedding, I might have made the effort to be there for at least part of it, or just apologized to my team and skipped the tournament altogether.  Since she was already married, I chose the tournament without guilt.

    Everyone here says that no one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you will.  I think that's quadrupley true for a vow renewal.  Pouting about that doesn't change matters.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-moh-long-explanation-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f338a20a-6ed6-49df-860b-8acfc6b83057Post:a207f7dc-65fb-4667-80eb-47ab66ca41a1">Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....</a>:
    [QUOTE]However I just wanted to say to some of the PP's that you shouldn't necessarily dismiss a vow renewal as trivial. For some people that's their real wedding...Often there are reasons why people have court house weddings, that we have no idea about. I think it would feel pretty awful to have my vow renewal ceremony dismissed as trivial.
    Posted by SineadHickey[/QUOTE]

    I agree, very well said.
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    I have no problem with a big vow renewal, and I understand why in certain circumstances a couple might choose to do that and might feel like that day is the really special ceremony. If that's how you feel, then celebrate all you want. However, it's not their real wedding just because it's not a wedding. They're already married.
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    Fair enough aerinpegadrak. I see your point about others not being as excited for her, but I would never tell someone their vow renewal is trivial, as it's not. IMO
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-moh-long-explanation-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f338a20a-6ed6-49df-860b-8acfc6b83057Post:b7dcbca5-bc6f-44f2-939b-cd78ff49d5d7">Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry.... : Very true.  But if it was a 50th anniversary party or some other huge event that was very special to the OP, would you still say "it's not a wedding, so get over it and quit being selfish?" Because my point was that the technicality of a wedding v vow renewal didn't really have much to do with the disappointment of a)not having your best friend there at a really important and joyous time in your life and b)not being able to be there for your friend at a really important and joyous time in HER life.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I think you nailed it.
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    Stage, I never told her that - I know other people may have, just speaking for myself. I agree with you about the disappointment isue.

    In my comment, I'm only responding to SineadHickey saying that for some people, the "real wedding" is the vow renewal (and to OP originally calling this a wedding rather than a vow renewal). Because no, based on the definition of the word wedding, that is not your real wedding. I'm not saying it can't be important to you, even more important than your JOP wedding ceremony was, it's just not a wedding.
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    Sinead, I would say gay friends were married too because they don't have any other option (and I think it's ridiculous, but that's a whole 'nother topic). Maybe that makes me a hypocrite?

    However, I think that in a situation where you choose to get married in a JOP ceremony and wait to have the big party later, you accept the consequences of that choice. I'm not judging it; I understand why for visa reasons or military conflicts sometimes that's the way that makes the most sense. But then you are married, and while it's great to celebrate your marriage with friends and family, to me it's sort of like playing make believe to call that a wedding. No, you already evaluated all your options and made the adult decision to get married previously, so in that same vein call this what it is: a vow renewal, recommitment ceremony, religious blessing, etc.
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    Well fair enough emilyinchile. As long as the day is special to the couple, well then that's all that matters!
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    I personally think telling someone that having a wedding party at her vow renewal is ridiculous is well, ridiculous! She never asked an opinion on having a wedding party in the first place. Also, I think it's wonderful that the couple is able to finally have the wedding they dreamed of. Being married already doesn't make it any less special to the them, and if people feel like it isn't as a PP suggested some guests might feel then they shouldn't attend!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-moh-long-explanation-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f338a20a-6ed6-49df-860b-8acfc6b83057Post:d3c7cca0-bda3-4440-bce6-ed001b2926b1">Re: Pregnant MOH!!! Long explanation sorry....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sinead, I would say gay friends were married too because they don't have any other option (and I think it's ridiculous, but that's a whole 'nother topic). Maybe that makes me a hypocrite? However, I think that in a situation where you choose to get married in a JOP ceremony and wait to have the big party later, you accept the consequences of that choice. I'm not judging it; I understand why for visa reasons or military conflicts sometimes that's the way that makes the most sense. But then you are married, and while it's great to celebrate your marriage with friends and family, to me it's sort of like playing make believe to call that a wedding. No, you already evaluated all your options and made the adult decision to get married previously, so in that same vein call this what it is: a vow renewal, recommitment ceremony, religious blessing, etc.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
    I'm with you emily.  A big wedding isn't an entitlement.  People need to stop acting like it's the only way to get married.  
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