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Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?

Hello Ladies,

I never ever thought that it would come to a point where I thought that kicking someone out of my wedding party would be necessary, but I think I might be justified in this case. I felt that in my heart things had just completely gone downhill with my "best friend" every since I got engaged and I told myself that I didnt want more drama than what I was going through, and maybe when the dust settles we could have a heart to heart coversation, but at this point I feel so disgusted, I dont know what to do. (I'm going to try to keep this from being too long)

First, when I got engaged, M was my Matron of Honor. After 8 months of being my MOH, she told me that her plate was too full for her to handle the responsibilities. Now, I learned enough through my lurking phase that there arent many responsibilities of a MOH rather than to stand next to you. And, I promise you all that I never asked her to do a single thing! I was so hurt because if she was so busy, i felt that this was something she should have told me months ago!

Second, I posted a little while ago about the same person. My fiancee is really good friends with her ex boyfriend. Long story short, as a courtesy, i told her my finacee was inviting him and she told me she was dropping out of the wedding because I didnt take consideration of HER feelings and how it would make her feel. She later apologized and made up some excuse that she felt that her ex would cause a scene.

Third, yesterday was my suprise bridal shower. It was something that I didnt even expect, I was so happy. After the shower, my FMOL approached me and told me that M told her that she was coming and simply did not show. M was the ONLY person that did this to her, and my heart hurts. My FMOL is amazing, and i know that she sacrificed a lot for me to have this shower. She is FAR FAR FAR from rich. And, she told me that she was bothered because she paid for her plate and she didnt show.

Now, M told me earlier in the week that she was going to go see her son in CT that day. (I had no idea it was the day of my shower) Why did she tell my FMOL she was going?? Why not send her a text to say that she wouldnt be able to make it?

Now, I am simply disgusted with her and I dont want to look her in the face. Its one thing to do something mean to me, because I can take it. But, I am very protective of the people I love. A lot of people told me that I should have distanced myself from her the day she gave me the ultimatum about being in my bridal party. And, I did, and I told myself that I was just going to wait until after the wedding to deal with the drama. But, after yesterday, I really dont know what to do.

Help, please....

Re: Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?

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    You will find that 99% of knotties will advise you not to kick out anyone from WP unless they try sleeping with fiance...
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    Kicking out a bridal party member is a friendship-ending move.  If you really never want to see or hear from her again, go ahead.  But know that your friendship with M will probably never be the same after this.  Is a party worth that?  Especially a party that she, as your MOH, is not required to attend?  I realize that it was rude of her to tell your FMIL that she was coming, and then not show.  But have you gotten in touch with her and asked if something happened?  Adverse circumstances DO come up.

    Also.  Keep in mind that it doesn't matter what the circumstances are, if a bride kicks out a member of the WP, it reflects poorly on the bride, and nobody else.
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    In my heart, I felt like she already ended our friendship when she told me that she was dropping out of my wedding because my fiancee wanted to invite her ex boyfriend to the wedding. I really like this board because I got a lot of good advice. Someone posted something similiar about waiting until after the wedding to handle personal issues, and I thought that was a good idea.

    And, I cant say that an adverse circumstance came up because she told me that she would be in CT on Tuesday, so she already knew. I dont know, perhaps I am just already biased because I feel like she was already hanging on by a very thin thread.

    I just dont feel good about this at all anymore.
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    I say talk to her about it, if she was mad about her ex being invited but then apologized means she is still willing to be in wedding party. If she drops out, it's a different story but you shouldn't kick her out unless something BIG happens. Her confirming attendance for shower but then not showing is not right but also not BIG enough to be thrown out..since she told you, the BRIDE, that she was going to see her son on day of shower, to her that was enough, she didn't have to go texting anyone else, I think she did the right thing
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_solid-sound-advice-needed-should-kick-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f50d11d0-5fb9-4b33-b303-97afa8f5ddcfPost:2b099a8d-d510-459d-8c80-871d24421ba8">Re: Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In my heart, I felt like she already ended our friendship when she told me that she was dropping out of my wedding because my fiancee wanted to invite her ex boyfriend to the wedding. I really like this board because I got a lot of good advice. Someone posted something similiar about waiting until after the wedding to handle personal issues, and I thought that was a good idea. And, I cant say that an adverse circumstance came up because she told me that she would be in CT on Tuesday, so she already knew. I dont know, perhaps I am just already biased because I feel like she was already hanging on by a very thin thread. I just dont feel good about this at all anymore.
    Posted by snlyons914[/QUOTE]

    It sounds like you really want to kick her out/end the friendship.  If that's the case, and nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind, then just do it.  It sounds more like you want someone to validate your decision, and nobody's here is going to do that.  Nor are we going to tell you that you are going to come out of this looking good, because you aren't.  Brides who kick out members of the WP, whatever the circumstances (unless, as PP mentioned, the BM/MOH tried sleeping with your FI) come out looking like bridezillas.  It's unfortunate, but it's the truth.
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    She may have RSVPed before she knew she was going to CT or mixed up the dates.

    Have you tried talking to her about NWR things?

    If you truly feel that the friendship is ending though, wait until after the wedding to let it end.  You're only two months away.  If she thinks that the friendship is over, she'll drop out on her own or also wait until after the wedding to deal with it.
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    Ugh.. I dont know. I actually have a case of the sads. :( Someone told me you really do find out who your real friends are when you get engaged/married and its so true. This is someone who I thought was my BEST friend, and she is the only one that has really really disappointed me on so many levels...
    I just need to get clear headed I guess.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_solid-sound-advice-needed-should-kick-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f50d11d0-5fb9-4b33-b303-97afa8f5ddcfPost:4af23fee-745a-42b0-bdc2-748a57217702">Re: Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ugh.. I dont know. I actually have a case of the sads. :( Someone told me you really do find out who your real friends are when you get engaged/married and its so true. This is someone who I thought was my BEST friend, and she is the only one that has really really disappointed me on so many levels... I just need to get clear headed I guess.
    Posted by snlyons914[/QUOTE]

    I can understand that.  One of my BMs was one of my closest friends for the longest time.  About three months ago she got a new boyfriend and all of us have pretty much dropped out of her universe since then.  She constantly blows us off to spend time with him, and I never see her, ever.  It makes me sad, but that's life.  Sometimes people just get wrapped up in their own lives and their own business and there's not much you can do about it.

    I agree with PP -- put it off until after the wedding.  If the friendship is really falling apart, like you think it is, she'll either remove herself from the party beforehand, or afterward, you two will go your separate ways.  But if you let it be for now, you'll come out looking a lot more gracious in the end, than you would if you kicked her out.
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    As far as speaking to her about NWR things, absolutely! I swear I am so glad I lurked before I started posting I really did learn a lot. :) I really try not to bring it up unless necessary. I know some people arent wedding people, and I know that sometimes thats all Brides want to talk about. :)
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    Thanks ladies -- and thanks for not beating me up! lol I appreciate the sound advice.. I think that I am just going to wait it out.
    (or maybe cross my fingers that she drops on her own.) I'm going to suck it up and just be the better person....
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    This is so simple:

    Are you ready to stop talking to her and cut her out of your life completely?

    Is the answer Yes...flat out? If so, end your friendship. The wedding stuff will be understood.

    If the answer is no, or anything but yes, then you need to sit down with her and express your concerns. Talk to her about your friendship. At this point it isn't a wedding issue. Your friendship is hurting and you need to step up and try or let it go.

    Good Luck.

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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2010
    Would you end the friendship if this same sort of thing happened without a wedding involved?  If yes, fine, end the friendship.  If no, keep her.

    While what she did is certainly disappointing, in no way is it a friendship-ending move.

    I think you're wise to wait.  Try to mend the friendship; the WP aspect will take care of itself.
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    I normally say go ahead and end the friendship for NWR reasons if you feel that's the right thing to do, but you're so close to the wedding that I'd wait it out.  Some people also get weird when a friend is getting married -do you think she could be that way?  Things might go back to normal after the wedding, or they might not.
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    ":( Someone told me you really do find out who your real friends are when you get engaged/married and its so true. This is someone who I thought was my BEST friend, and she is the only one that has really really disappointed me on so many levels..."

    That is totally true! Its amazing how true faces come out!
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    I'll agree that it's not nice to say you'll do one thing and do another.

    BUT, keep in mind that your FMIL was also out of line to tell you that she was a no show.  It's gossipy and really her situation to handle - not yours.

    It's up to you if you want to end the friendship.  I don't think she's being fantastic, but I don't think that what she did was friendship-ending either.
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    @ Banana - Wow, I didnt think about that, and you're absolutely right!!
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    edited July 2010
    Don't do it! I can tell you feel like you've lost your best friend. But kicking her out of your wedding party will make you even sadder. 

    Give your friend a chance. She may have tried to contact your FMIL before she left for CT. She might have told you about her plans because she couldn't reach her. Wait a few days so you can get your thoughts together and then call her to clear the air.
                       
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    Try to have a heart-to-heart with her about everything going on. Give her an "out" (politely). If she's not comfortable being in the wedding party, let her know that's ok, but that you need to know because of flowers/parties/planning/etc. I think if she values the friendship enough, she'll be honest with you and you two can patch things up, regardless of whether she remains the MOH. If not, hang in there and rely more on the other BMs. You don't need the extra stress and drama before the wedding.
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    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_solid-sound-advice-needed-should-kick-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f50d11d0-5fb9-4b33-b303-97afa8f5ddcfPost:fc86fd18-614a-4c42-89e9-7236413728f2">Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello Ladies, I never ever thought that it would come to a point where I thought that kicking someone out of my wedding party would be necessary, but I think I might be justified in this case. I felt that in my heart things had just completely gone downhill with my "best friend" every since I got engaged and I told myself that I didnt want more drama than what I was going through, and maybe when the dust settles we could have a heart to heart coversation, but at this point I feel so disgusted, I dont know what to do. (I'm going to try to keep this from being too long) <div>
    </div><div>First, when I got engaged, M was my Matron of Honor. After 8 months of being my MOH, she told me that her plate was too full for her to handle the responsibilities. Now, I learned enough through my lurking phase that there arent many responsibilities of a MOH rather than to stand next to you. And, I promise you all that I never asked her to do a single thing! I was so hurt because if she was so busy, i felt that this was something she should have told me months ago! </div><div><strong>Eight months is a long time.  She may not have been as busy a few months ago, she may really care for you and was trying her hardest to be your MOH.  She realized that she wouldn't be able to keep up with your expectations and didn't want to dampen your experience as a bride.  I don't see why you are so hurt that she didn't tell you months ago.  She was trying and when she got to the point where she couldn't handle it, she told you.</strong></div><div>
    </div><div>Second, I posted a little while ago about the same person. My fiancee is really good friends with her ex boyfriend. Long story short, as a courtesy, i told her my finacee was inviting him and she told me she was dropping out of the wedding because I didnt take consideration of HER feelings and how it would make her feel. She later apologized and made up some excuse that she felt that her ex would cause a scene. </div><div><strong>You probably just caught her off guard.  Hasn't there ever been someone that you want to avoid?  She made a mistake and then apologized.  What more to you want from her?  To never get upset?  You need to let this go.</strong></div><div>
    </div><div>Third, yesterday was my suprise bridal shower. It was something that I didnt even expect, I was so happy. After the shower, my FMOL approached me and told me that M told her that she was coming and simply did not show. M was the ONLY person that did this to her, and my heart hurts. My FMOL is amazing, and i know that she sacrificed a lot for me to have this shower. She is FAR FAR FAR from rich. And, she told me that she was bothered because she paid for her plate and she didnt show. Now, M told me earlier in the week that she was going to go see her son in CT that day. (I had no idea it was the day of my shower) Why did she tell my FMOL she was going?? Why not send her a text to say that she wouldnt be able to make it? Now, I am simply disgusted with her and I dont want to look her in the face. Its one thing to do something mean to me, because I can take it. But, I am very protective of the people I love. A lot of people told me that I should have distanced myself from her the day she gave me the ultimatum about being in my bridal party. And, I did, and I told myself that I was just going to wait until after the wedding to deal with the drama. But, after yesterday, I really dont know what to do. Help, please....</div><div><div>Posted by snlyons914[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div><strong>That was pretty whiny of your FMIL for telling you what she did.  Not only that but for also telling your DURING your bridal shower.  If someone says they are going to show and then doesn't, my first reaction is that I hope they are okay, not that I am disgusted with them.  Have you spoken with her since the shower?  Do you actually know that she is okay?</strong></div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>She may not have gone to CT.  She could have told you that so you didn't try to plan anything with her that day.</strong></div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>Things come up and sometimes you just can't make it.  You also don't know if she did try to contact FMIL.  You don't know if she did contact FMIL and FMIL was the one that forgot.  There are a lot of what if's here.   It stinks when you spend money on someone who doesn't show, but it happens.  If you are really worried about the burden on your FMIL, offer to pay for her plate.</strong></div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>I don't see anything that is friendship ending move upsetting.  You say you don't want drama, but to be honest, it looks like you are the one causing the most drama.</strong></div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>Edit:  Also remember that she told you she was busy and tried to step down, but you are the one who wanted her to stay in.  Maybe you should re-evaluate what your expectations actually are.</strong></div><div>
    </div></div>
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    @ Blackfire, thank you for your feedback. In reference to your Edit, thats not true at all. I am sorry if I insinuated that somewhere in my post, but thats 100% not true.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_solid-sound-advice-needed-should-kick-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f50d11d0-5fb9-4b33-b303-97afa8f5ddcfPost:1ed62da5-dfda-4124-83f0-19df1f0459da">Re: Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]@ Blackfire, thank you for your feedback. In reference to your Edit, thats not true at all. I am sorry if I insinuated that somewhere in my post, but thats 100% not true.
    Posted by snlyons914[/QUOTE]

    <div>You're welcome for the feedback.  I know what it is like to get so caught up in a situation that you end up not really seeing it for what it is.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Which part about the edit is untrue?</div>
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    When you said that she wanted to step down and that I insisted that she stay. I would never do that to anyone. Maybe you read my original post a few months back. But, she wanted to stay my MOH and have my FMIL do the "planning" even though I didnt expect her to plan anything. I told her, "like what, plan a bachlorette?" She said "Yes," and I said "my FMIL is NOT planning my bachlorette."

    As I previously posted I learned a lot from just lurking and I see you have a TON of post responses so I am sure you've been around the block and seen everything on here!!! lol :) But, I had no expectations from anyone to do anything for me. Perhaps she thought she was obligated? But, I tried to convey that to her has clearly as possible. I didnt mention the fact that she said that she was going to go to my dress fitting and simply didnt answer her phone, or even acknowledge the fact that she missed it.

    I guess because if you hurt MY feelings, i can deal with it. But, if you hurt someone I care about, it upsets me more.
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    Oh, okay, I understand what you are saying now, thank you for clarifying.  

    I still wouldn't worry too much about her missing the shower.  A lot of people don't realize just how much showers/weddings can  cost per person.  I was in a store a few months ago and over heard a couple people talking.  One person was saying that they were planning on going to a wedding the day before, but decided not to go.  The other person said that she also skipped a wedding a while back because she was tired that day and that missing a wedding isn't a big deal because things come up.  They were completely oblivious to the fact that they had cost the bride and groom a good chunk of money by not going.  Even people who are married don't realize what some things cost.  

    If you are done, then end the friendship and that will also remove her from the WP, but I don't think the things that she has done are all that bad.
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    this is tough.. but nothing overly dramatic like sleeping with your husband, or punching out your MOH or something drastic... she was inconsiderate, and now you feel this discust toward her, so you might want to think about how you will feel on your wedding day.. will this person annoy you.. will this person mess up your day and make you less happy on what is supposed to be your happiest day.. you should be surrounded by people you love and truly want to be there and not someone who is going to cause friction or tension on your day.. hmm tough one
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_solid-sound-advice-needed-should-kick-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f50d11d0-5fb9-4b33-b303-97afa8f5ddcfPost:6999401a-a73f-4865-8bb7-a803ece7a59f">Re: Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Give her an "out" (politely). If she's not comfortable being in the wedding party, let her know that's ok, but that you need to know because of flowers/parties/planning/etc.Posted by mjkilway[/QUOTE]

    Bad Advice! No matter how "polite" you think you are being you are ultimately saying 'I really don't want you to be in the wedding anymore but I want you to think it is your decision so that I'm not the bad guy.'  Trust me. People see right through these games. There is no polite way to end a friendship, cut someone out of your life, or cut someone out of a wedding.
    Anniversary
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_solid-sound-advice-needed-should-kick-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f50d11d0-5fb9-4b33-b303-97afa8f5ddcfPost:10cc44f4-c191-4cbf-b106-21baffd5ce75">Re: Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]this is tough.. but nothing overly dramatic like sleeping with your husband, or punching out your MOH or something drastic... she was inconsiderate, and now you feel this discust toward her, so you might want to think about how you will feel on your wedding day.. will this person annoy you.. will this person mess up your day and make you less happy on what is supposed to be your happiest day.. you should be surrounded by people you love and truly want to be there and not someone who is going to cause friction or tension on your day.. hmm tough one
    Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

    <div>The MOH can only ruin the OP wedding day if the OP lets her by dwelling on it.  If OP makes focuses on her new DH and her loving family and friends, her day will not be ruined.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_solid-sound-advice-needed-should-kick-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f50d11d0-5fb9-4b33-b303-97afa8f5ddcfPost:7ba20993-23f9-4e7b-9786-05e4f30a3e49">Re: Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Solid and Sound Advice Needed - Should I kick her out? : The MOH can only ruin the OP wedding day if the OP lets her by dwelling on it.  If OP makes focuses on her new DH and her loving family and friends, her day will not be ruined.
    Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]
    Yes.  My sister/MOH actually TRIED to ruin things and failed miserably.  I look back and have nothing but wonderful memories.  I even still speak to my sister once in awhile!
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    @ Bablingbrook - I am having the same issue with my sister as well. I will save that for another post if necessary!! Thank you all ladies who responded :) A day has gone by and my head is a lot clearer. Although my feelings have not changed, I am going to wait until the dust settles.
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