Help me be nice!

laniandpeach

   I got engaged in September.  My FI and I had been dating for 4 years.  (2 years in college, 2 years after) I asked my two best friends from my home town, two best friends from college, and FI's sister, who I love, to be in the bridal party.  They were all very enthusiastic at the time (like they expected it) and started planning showers right away.  I went dress shopping in late October.  I found my gown, and my FI's sister tried on BM dresses until we decided on the one that would look the best on everyone.  Everyone would have been at my gown finding experience, but they ALL live at least an hour away.  It's at David's Bridal, so it's pretty easy to walk in, give them the number, and buy the dress.  I sent them all the information and a picture of the dress in October. 

  I am getting married in June.   One of them is very pregnant (will have the baby this month), one had a baby in Jan., one has 2 jobs and is a full time student, yet another with two jobs and is a full time student, and the last has a full time job.  They are ALL busy.  I get it.  To date, all of them have helped with planning, or addressed envelopes, or SOMETHING except for one (the one with the full time job).  My mom has even asked for their help with a shower, since she was married at the court house, which is perfectly fine, but she doesn't know anything about a shower.  All of them replied to help, exept for one.  The one with the newborn still wants to help!!  Same one! (BTW the entire budget for the wedding is being covered by FI and I. )

  Last week I was told VIA FACEBOOK MESSAGE that the one with a full time job (last one described, same one who isn't helping) that she is not interested in buying a dress for me.  She understands if this means she can't be in the bridal party, but she wants to continue to be a part of my day. 

  Now if she had told me this up front, cool, great, no big deal, but I really feel betrayed by someone I thought I was very close to.  It's all about her in her world.  I don't mind having uneven parties, but I am just so mad!  We lived in the same apartment for 2 years.  Hung out once per week.  Still chatted quite a bit.  Our other roommate? Still a BM!  and planning a shower.

  I feel like giving my dog a canary yellow dress and writing her name on it!  Please tell me this is not appropriate!  BTW I haven't responded to her yet.  I can't put words together yet to tell her how sad it is that she couldn't even call me.

bablingbrooke

This is not appropriate.  Don't do silly things because I'm sure you're not a silly person.

Did she say she isn't interested, or did she use different wording?  Is it possible that she can't financially be a part of the day, something that she thought differently about when she first agreed?  In this economy things can turn on a dime and people aren't always able to do things they once thought they could.  

She isn't betraying you, so stop looking at it that way.  She's giving you advance notice, she isn't telling you the day of.  She may be upset with you; she may be unable financially; she may be opposed to the marriage; she may be opposed to marriage in general; she may be upset with another BM; 1,000 other things should be going on here.

Tell her that you're sorry, she'll be missed, and ask if there's anything going on that she'd like to talk to you about.  DO NOT be judgmental about this.  DO NOT get upset with her.  Take a few days and cool off if you need to before replying.  But give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being.

AutumnFair

Ditto to brooke's advice. You need to take deep breath, get something to relax you (workout, a book, etc), hopefully you will calm down enough to realize that your friend has a reason for dropping out it may be money issues, family issues, you don't know and unless she says, so you just need to be understanding of her decision. Yeah, it may hurt that she all of a sudden drop out, but you need to put it pass you.

xjizzyx

please please please put the dog in her dress!!! That would be too funny. That sucks that she isnt going to be part of your party, but like others said she may have reasons. Try not to let it get to you too much, maybe talk to her and see what her reason is and you could work something out?

banana468

Ditto Brooke absolutely.

Also, did you ask your BMs for their budgets before looking?  Maybe she's not really into buying a dress that she has no input in.  I know it's tough to please, but she may be stirring the pot a bit for that reason.

Just talk to her and see if there's something you can do to make a dress in her budget.  But beyond that, roll with it.  Maybe she can do a reading?

laniandpeach

Yes I agree with all of you!  I really just needed to rant to the world because I am a very sensitive person.  And everyone right now I could rant to has a high stake in the situation.  I don't want any of them to be mad at this person, and I wanted to be able to let that out. 

I was joking about my dog for SURE!  I have a really good sense of humor.  It wasn't that I didn't think she had a situation.  It was that I felt hurt that she couldn't just call me. It was that she has avoided contact with me when I need her the most!

Thanks for listening to my problem.  I love her very much and will talk to her soon!  Thank you knot!

bablingbrooke

You know, sometimes when we have to break bad news to friends we are afraid of how disappointed or upset they'll be so we do it in a medium (like a FB message) that gives us a little distance.  Think of how upset you were when you found out--be honest with yourself, would you have been any less emotional about it if she'd called you?  She may have wanted to spare herself that reaction.  And I'll bet she feels bad about it, whatever the reason is (I'm betting it's money) so she wants to insulate herself from your feelings.  Especially if it's something like finances, which can be very embarrassing to admit to our closest friends.  I'm not saying this is right, I'm just saying you shouldn't necessarily take it personally that she didn't call you.

Umrebelll

I think you have every right to be upset. This is what friends do for each other, be bridesmaids. It is totally unacceptable to accept a bridesmaid invitation and then take it back. And it is even more upsetting that the person told you this over Facebook. If you have to let someone down you need to at least have the guts to do it over the phone, if not in person.  

I was in a similar situation, my best friend of 10 years decided to leave the country 2 days before my wedding. She agreed to be a bridesmaid and then called me at 2AM from Thailand to tell me that her travel plans for the next year (wedding was still 8 months away) had changed. I'm sure I will get over it after the wedding, but it is hard for me to even talk to her right now. I can't believe that I have put 10 years into this friendship with someone who can't wait two days to travel alone. I would've flown anywhere in the world to support her on her wedding day, but not any more. 

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about this. You just have to go with it and hope that it is the worst thing you're going to have to endure. You will wake up one day and be over it, but it is totally understandable if you are angry right now as along as the dress you picked wasn't incredibly expensive.