MOH and BMs duties

CaylaSummer

Hi there,

I'm seeing my MOH this week. She has never been in a wedding party or nor does she know what being MOH means. Somewhere on this site there is a list of MOH duties, I do not feel comfortable with that list because I do not need her to be my bitch for the day. I just wanted to give her some basic info so she has an idea what her roles are. Is there such MOH role? if there are then how do I approach her with some duties prior to and the day of the wedding without appearing as if I were giving her tasks to do. 

Same questions for BMs

Thanks

bablingbrooke

DON'T DO IT.  Your MOH owes you nothing more than to show up in the outfit clean and sober.  That's it.  Really.

Read the FAQ at the top of the page to see why.  The long and short of it is that there's no way to do it without coming across as entitled and self-centered.  Which I'm sure you aren't.  But it's hard to shake that once someone gets that impression of you.

FWIW my MOH did the bare minimum and I have no regrets, so it's not even worth bringing up.

vegasgroom

If she's never been in a wedding party, she may not know that the moh is often the one who plans the bachelorette party, if there will be one.  Not that she has to, but she may want to if she knew that was traditionally something the moh does....

AdeleDazeem

I think your best bet is to expect nothing from her than buying the dress and showing up to the wedding.  If she wants to know what else is traditionally done by a MOH (but in no way required) then she can look it up.

I was asked to be a MOH several years ago - it was my first friend out of college to get married and my first experience as a MOH.  After I said yes, I got a book about being a MOH/Bridesmaid.  I read it and promptly *freaked* out.  I didn't have the money for all the things the book listed and I nearly backed out from fright.

But, because I'm rather level headed, I called her immediately and said "I can't afford most of what is written in this book.  Do you still want me to be your MOH?"  She laughed and said "oh!  That's just a silly book!  Don't worry about all the things they listed in there.  I picked you because I love you and want you there with me.  Everything else doesn't matter."

My friend is totally awesome.  

quotequeen

The MOH "duty" list on the knot is a bunch of nonsense.  The MOH's extra responsibilities are generally to hold the bride's bouquet during the ceremony, maybe straighten her train, and sign the marriage license as a witness.

If she *asks* you about what MOH means, then I think you could mention that sometimes MOHs host showers/bach parties, but only if you stress that they're not required and it's only if she would want to do that.  Otherwise, just leave it alone.  If she really wants to know, I'm sure she can find somebody to ask, or google it herself.  If you bring it up unprompted, it will definitely come off as "hey, please throw me parties!"

Beachy730

Agreed with quotequeen.  Ignore the list on the site or any other site. 

The MOH and BM "duties" are techinically only to get a dress and show up on the day of your wedding.  Many will go out of their way to do more for you, but its not at all required and shouldn't be expected.  If your MOH asks you again, I would tell her "The only duty you have is to get the dress and show up.  Some MOHs and BMs choose to host showers or bach parties, but its not at all required."

I'm sure your MOH will probably google it as well, and will ask other people. 

mbcdefg

"All you 'have' to do is buy the dress and stand in the wedding. And if you can make it to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, awesome."

If she says that she feels like she should do more, or anything like that, just say, "If you ever feel like doing something with me, let me know what you want to do. Otherwise, don't feel obligated to plan my wedding with me. I only want you to be happy and comfortable ... you standing up with me on my wedding day means the world to me, so of course I don't expect anything else from you."

If she says that she should follow the lists that magazines/websites publish, tell her to ignore them, and not to do anything that she'd rather not do.

gottahavashorti

1) Let you know her budget for a dress and any comfort issues in terms of dress style/cut

2) Purchase a dress of your choice within the confines of (1)

3) Attend rehearsal if reasonably able to do so without skipping work/having issues with travel/missing other weddings or birthday parties/etc

4) Wear the dress with shoes (loose guidelines like color are OK) and hair/nails/accessories of her choice on the day of the wedding

5) Stand and smile for any pre-ceremony pictures

6) Walk down the aisle clean and sober, stand next to you and hold your bouquet during the wedding.  Straighten your train after you process if necessary.  Walk back down the aisle still clean and sober

7) Sign marriage license if witnesses are required in your state (or someone else can do this)

8) Stand and smile for any post-ceremony wedding party pictures

9) Enjoy the reception seated amongst guests she knows or would get along with.  Her wedding party duties are over at this point, and she can change if she'd like, should not be required to dance in a wedding party dance, and can leave when she chooses to do so.

aerinpegadrak

Malphabet said basically what I was going to suggest saying, "Well, all you really have to do is get a dress and stand up for the ceremony.  There's some other optional stuff that the MOH often does, but I'm sure you can look that up on your own if you're interested in the extra stuff."  That way you're not necessarily discouraging her from going above and beyond, but you're stressing that it's not required.

mgietler76

My sister is my MOH, she is unable to work so I am buying her dress and getting her hair amd makeup done for her and don't expect any type of shower or bach party. I did however tell her she's my dress biotch for the day (fluffing, straightening, peeing issues) lol which mainly means I get to spend alot of time with my best friend on my wedding day!

gottahavashorti

How much fluffing and straightening does a dress take?  I had to have DH fix my bustle a couple times but that was it except for during the ceremony.  The catering manager fixed it for the walk down the aisle (I didn't realize this until I saw peoples' pictures) and the photographer draped it where she wanted it for a few pictures.

marissa_claire

I would just not expect things but rather when things are coming up ask for her help.  She isn't really obligated to much, although in agreeing to be MOH she really should plan on making an attempt to help you out whenever she can.  

For example, with my MOH I usually just ask - hey can you help me go take a look at dresses this weekend?  I would definitely not just give her a one-size-fits all list.... you'll want her help on different things and I would just take it as it comes.

CaylaSummer

Hey there,

I saw my MOH today and she took it upon on her own and looked up what the MOH duties are. She did not have a problem with anything and basically she is ok to be my biotch for the day as long as I will be hers when she gets married to her long time BF (totally fine, btw did not ask her to be my b for the day). We actually went to different stores other than bridal stores to try on some style of dresses to see what kind she would like. Anyway it appeared that she is going to do a lot more than just stand and hold my bouquet on my wedding day. Awesome....

banana468

That's fantastic.  It's great when you have a friend who wants to do so much!

aerinpegadrak

Awesome!  And now you can rest easy knowing that she's doing that stuff for you because she wants to and not because she feels like she has to.

CaylaSummer

Hello,

Yeah I'm really excited about it. She did let me know that she is going to have some money issues in the coming year b4 the wedding because has 2 other ones to attend and she now has to share the mortgage with her bf because they are moving in together in december. So she gave me her budget for the dress but I had offered to pay the difference if it was going to be more than what she wants to pay for. 

bablingbrooke

Wonderful!  Sounds like you're doing everything right.