Asking one brother to be in the wedding but not the other?

eav2c

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot... My fiance and I have our wedding party picked out and then it occurred to me that I didn't think of my oldest half-brother. My oldest brother and I were never extremely close due to a 16 year age gap but 4 months ago our mom passed away and we've become closer. My middle brother is a groosman and I hadn't thought of having my fiance ask my elder brother til now. I do have another close friend who I could ask to be a bridesmaid but my fiance isn't so sure about asking my elder brother as he's only met him once.

The one thing is that my elder brother is getting married in August and hasn't asked me to be in the wedding... So, I figure not having him in the wedding won't be  such a big deal. However, since my middle brother will be in the wedding, wouldn't it be rude not to ask him?

I just keeping running it through my head when people ask who he is and he responds "the brides sister" and he is the brother not in the wedding... I'm not offended that he hasn't asked me to be in the wedding as this is his second marriage and I have only met his fiance once.

So, is it rude to include one brother and not the other? My oldest brother has been the "backbone" in our family since my mom passed and he has really kept things together and stayed on top of everything... I appreciate all he has done and I want to show that to him. However, I'm not sure that asking him to be in my wedding will suffice.

I'm just torn. Should my fiance have him as a groomsman or just not worry about it? It just seems like a sticky situation.

aerinpegadrak

Weddings aren't tit-for-tat, so whether you're in his wedding shouldn't have any impact on whether he's in yours.

Why not just ask him to be on your side if you want him in the wedding?  Mixed-gender wedding parties are becoming increasingly common.  My brother is standing on my side, one of FI's female friends is on his.

bablingbrooke

If you're going to ask one, you might as well ask the other.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so. 

Just about everyone on this board who asked one sibling but not the other now says they wished they'd asked.  Just about everyone who asked all siblings didn't regret it.

mbcdefg

I think it would be best to ask the other brother to be a groomsman. Or a bride's attendant and just stand on your side. Or a reader, or maybe an usher.

Ditto Trix about not asking another bridesmaid just to even things out. That would be very rude to the placeholder bridesmaid. Trust me, people KNOW when they're a placeholder, and it's not a good feeling.

But I don't think you're an awful person if you decide not to involve him. You are not obligated to ask anyone, even siblings, to be in the wedding. But only avoid asking him if you feel it's the right move, not because he didn't ask you to be in HIS wedding and you want to even the score.

eav2c

Well, I'd ask him to do a reading at the ceremony however he is an atheist and we are having a traditional catholic wedding... So, that kind of throws that out the window.

Our wedding isn't for another year and we JUST asked our friends to be in the wedding. In fact, I haven't even asked everyone yet. So, asking the other girl I had in mind, wouldn't be a last minute decision and she wouldn't even know.

My FI simply doesn't feel comfortable asking him. It's just a really tricky situation. My brother and I were never close... We wouldn't talk for YEARS and just now started talking... I wouldn't consider us "close" now but much better off than we we've ever been. In one respect, I know that I shouldn't base asking him to be in the wedding on whether or not I'll be in his... But, his first marriage, my brother was in, and I wasn't... Not to mention, both is siblings on his dad's side are in this upcoming wedding. Nevertheless, it doesn't upset me that he hasn't asked me, but, if we don't feel entirely comfortable asking him... Would it be the worst thing?

eav2c

Like I said, it's just a tricky situation. The easy answer is to just ask him to be in the wedding. However, I will not force my fiance to ask him. My fiance will defintey do it if I feel it's important. I'm just not sure HOW to go about handling this.

I like the idea of reading at the ceremony but because the ceremony is catholic, I don't want to make him uncomfortable. However, after thinking about it, I think he'd love to do it and it would be meaningful regardless of our differing views. In fact, I'm not really sure what his views on religion are these days. It's one of those lines that you just don't cross... We don't ask, he doesn't tell. Just seems to work better that way. I do know that he will completely respect my catholic wedding and would probably do the reading if I asked. But, I don't want to put him in an awkard position.

A family member had mentioned that I could have him as an usher... But, I feel that'd be a diss. My fiance mentioned that if I have him in the wedding that I"ll have to have his future wife in my wedding as well considering my middle brother's wife is my bridesmaid. It's all just too complicated.

We are meeting with the church tomorrow. Maybe they have an idea of something that he can read that will be eqaully meaningful to both of us.

Thanks everyone for your comments... All very much appreciated!

emilyinchile

Brooke, I think it just depends person to person. I am an atheist but was brought up in the church, so while the idea of an all-powerful god isn't one I share, I respect the basic principals of Christianity and would have no problem doing a reading. I'd imagine that if you think it's just WRONG then you might not want to participate.

OP, sounds like you've got it figured out.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asking-one-brother-wedding-but-not-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f8ef2fda-7988-4db1-8276-ee16c1048852Post:d459bb2a-274b-48a0-8c71-d1c947f23709">Re: Asking one brother to be in the wedding but not the other?</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the idea of reading at the ceremony but because the ceremony is catholic, I don't want to make him uncomfortable.
Posted by eav2c[/QUOTE]

You could ask him to read the Prayer of the Faithful, if your church allows you and FI to write your own (I believe that most churches do). That way, you could write something that he'd be comfortable reading and that isn't chock-full of religious references.

Or, if you haven't yet chosen your readings, talk to your brother (assuming that he agrees to read) and pick a reading together. There are lots of appropriate readings that aren't hit-you-over-the-head religious, and that are more spiritual or that just talk about humanity being good to each other.

My church also has an optional tradition where a basket of charitable donations can be brought forward by loved ones during the ceremony as a symbolic gift from the couple to the community (canned goods for a food pantry, teddy bears for sick children, pet supplies for shelter animals, etc.). Maybe this is something your brother can get involved with, if your church allows it? That way, he's involved in an important way, but it's not a strictly Catholic thing.