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Bridesmaid Trouble

So I have chosen my bridesmaids and requested they purchase their dresses by a certain date, through the bridal boutique that I selected.
Both MOH and 2 bridesmaid followed my instructions without no problems

The third bridesmaid, my cousin, has chosen without consulting with me to purchase her dress from Bestbridalprices.com.  I am really irritated because of the lack of communication.  She also sent out a email to my bridal party without speaking with me first, telling they could save a "couple of dollars" by ordering from this website as well.  They did not of course.

I really want to give her the $152.00 back and tell her to forget about it.
Because now I have to worry about this dress being the right color, etc.
My wedding is 9 1/2 months away and I don't want to worry about this for the next 12-15 weeks until this dress comes in. 

She I give her  a refund and replace her or what!!

Please help...my family and friends are so emotional that they don't think rationally.  

Need some advise.

Re: Bridesmaid Trouble

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    I think you are thinking emotionally and not rationally.  She probably made a good decision for herself financially.  You cannot control everything.  That is a horrible reason to replace somebody and ruin an otherwise nice friendship.

    I guarantee you that the next 9 months will bring much more stressful situations like this,


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    Do not replace her.  It is family, and it would hurt.  I think she definitely should have asked you before going to another bridal site.  How much were the other girls dresses? 

    The good thing is that you do have 9 1/2 months left. Even in the 15 weeks that it may take her first dress to come in, you should have plenty of time to order another from "your" place if the color does not match. 

    Do not let this minor issue take over your planning.
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    I think you may have gone about this in an overzealous way:

    1) Did you ask them a budget in advance for the dresses?  If you didn't, that's a big shame on you for telling them how their money would be spent without their consent.
    2) Why did you just decide that dresses needed to be ordered by a specific date?  It's FAR too early to order dresses now.

    Beyond that, I think you're pushing it to say that the dress has to be through the boutique you selected.  If the BM gets the dress in the color from the manufacturer's swatch, who cares?

    And why would you want her to spend MORE money?  That's what baffles me.  She did all of your BMs a favor by saying that they can get the same dress for less money at a different place.  You should be thanking her for going above and beyond.

    Furthermore, to be upset about this is not appropriate.  Be happy and thankful that it's done and be happy that your BMs may get to save money.  This isn't something to be upset about at all - and to act that way would be venturing well into the 'zilla territory.
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    [QUOTE]So I have chosen my bridesmaids and requested they purchase their dresses by a certain date, through the bridal boutique that I selected. Both MOH and 2 bridesmaid followed my instructions without no problems The third bridesmaid, my cousin, has chosen without consulting with me to purchase her dress from Bestbridalprices.com.  I am really irritated because of the lack of communication.  She also sent out a email to my bridal party without speaking with me first, telling they could save a "couple of dollars" by ordering from this website as well.  They did not of course. I really want to give her the $152.00 back and tell her to forget about it. Because now I have to worry about this dress being the right color, etc. My wedding is 9 1/2 months away and I don't want to worry about this for the next 12-15 weeks until this dress comes in.  She I give her  a refund and replace her or what!! Please help...my family and friends are so emotional that they don't think rationally.   Need some advise.
    Posted by Felicia35[/QUOTE]
    As long as she's getting a legitimate dress, it will be the same as the rest and there will not be any noticeable difference in color.  There are several wholesale authorized retailers, and Best Bridal Prices seems to have good reviews.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to save a little money.

    Removing her from the WP would be overreacting and tends to be a friendship ending move.  Replacing a BM sends a signal that the BM being replaced is easily replaceable in your eyes and that the BM who is acting as the replacement is only second string.
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    I'm dealing with people who need as much time as possible to be prepared.


    1.  I obviously chose a dress that was affordable for everyone involved and the whole bridal party was involved in the final decision.

    2.  She is my cousin and trust me she is extremely well off and money is not an issue.
         She carries $5,000 purses.  She spends the cost of the BM dress at lunch.
         She makes more than the whole bridal put together. Trust she has it!

    3.  We are family and that will relationship will never be ruined because I will be honest and up front with her and at the end of the day.  You have to respect that.

    4. She is my cousin and unless instructed otherwise she will wait until the last minute and keep me completely uninformed and I will not have that.

    Over Zealous maybe, or I know what I'm dealing and I want to be prepared.

    Finally,  it's not even really about the dress, it's about the fact that she did communicate her attempt to save $20.  I don't have a problem with it but she should have come to me first.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-trouble-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fad7990a-8bc2-4aa8-bf13-74caa1466545Post:03a001a6-5ac3-4505-bce0-2a0d2b9b6761">Re: Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm dealing with people who need as much time as possible to be prepared. 1.  I obviously chose a dress that was affordable for everyone involved and the whole bridal party was involved in the final decision. 2.  She is my cousin and trust me she is extremely well off and money is not an issue.      She carries $5,000 purses.  She spends the cost of the BM dress at lunch.      She makes more than the whole bridal put together. Trust she has it! 3.  We are family and that will relationship will never be ruined because I will be honest and up front with her and at the end of the day.  You have to respect that. 4. She is my cousin and unless instructed otherwise she will wait until the last minute and keep me completely uninformed and I will not have that. Over Zealous maybe, or I know what I'm dealing and I want to be prepared. Finally,  it's not even really about the dress, it's about the fact that she did communicate her attempt to save $20.  I don't have a problem with it but she should have come to me first.
    Posted by Felicia35[/QUOTE]


    (1) People who lots of money typically are smart and try to save it.

    (2) She bought a dress for you so you should be grateful.

    (3) You are not the boss of her.

    Let it go and get over yourself.
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited July 2010
    OK, regarding your follow up:

    [QUOTE]1.  I obviously chose a dress that was affordable for everyone involved and the whole bridal party was involved in the final decision.<div>[/QUOTE]

    I do hope that means that they were asked in advance for their budgets.    Involving the BP as a whole is great but you need to ask them individually for their budgets so you can make sure no one is pressured to say something.

    [QUOTE] 2.  She is my cousin and trust me she is extremely well off and money is not an issue.<div>     She carries $5,000 purses.  She spends the cost of the BM dress at lunch.</div><div>     She makes more than the whole bridal put together. Trust she has it![/QUOTE]

    That's great that she has it.  But she doesn't have to pay retail to have it - and you may not be privy to all her finances.  MIL thinks DH and I are rolling in it and yet we're wondering how we'll deal when we sell our condo.  My point is two fold:
    1 - Don't jump to conclusions on the finances of others.
    2 - Even if you  know exactly what someone is doing, that doesn't mean that getting things at a better price is bad.  In fact, it's the smart thing to do.

    [QUOTE] 3.  We are family and that will relationship will never be ruined because I will be honest and up front with her and at the end of the day.  You have to respect that. [/QUOTE]
    <div>
    I do respect being up front.  I don't respect booting a BM for getting a dress on sale.  That's not being up front.  That's being outrageously ballistic.

    [QUOTE] 4. She is my cousin and unless instructed otherwise she will wait until the last minute and keep me completely uninformed and I will not have that.[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    Then you should have found out from the shop a time that the dresses needed to be ordered.  It's still far too early to order dresses.  There's NO way I'd order a dress now for an April wedding.  I'm halfway through a pregnancy now.  I'd at least like to know what size I'll be when the baby arrives in early Dec (which BTW is plenty of time for dress ordering) before making any financial commitments.  Your BMs may have that or other things going on.  Regardless, choosing now was not a good idea.

    [QUOTE]Finally,  it's not even really about the dress, it's about the fact that she did communicate her attempt to save $20.  I don't have a problem with it but she should have come to me first.[/QUOTE]

    Is it worth saying that if that's the only issue?  If you wished she'd go to you it sounds like you're micromanaging them.  You can micromanage your wedding details, but don't do that to the people you're asking to be involved.  I haven't seen a person yet who dealt with a micromanager who liked being treated that way.

    Let it go.  She found a deal, spread the news to your BMs and she bought her dress.   This is not worth stressing about at all. 
    </div></div></div></div>
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    Seriously overreacting.  Being family doesn't mean that you can treat someone poorly.  So maybe they'll still speak to you but it sure does make for a lot of awkward holiday dinners and family gossip.
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    Is it the same dress?? If it is, then why does it matter?
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    When I was in my friend's wedding, I found a coupon code to use while ordering the BM shoes.  I ordered mine, then sent her the coupon code in case anyone else wanted it.  Instead of giving me the boot for trying to save $3, she forwarded it on and said some of the other BMs were able to use it and were grateful for the coupon.
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    LOL....

    Get over myself LMAO.....that's funny.

    That would have been effective if you knew me boo....lol

    Laughing
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    What did your "unrational" family and friends have to say about this?
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    Because there is a significant history with this cousin that I don't care to spell out in this board, they feel she is showing signs of previous selfish behavior and may cause additional issues in the future.  They feel it should be nipped in the bud early.

    As for it being it too early to order a dress... that's a matter of opinion, we are having a destination wedding.  Which means there are other expenses associated with this wedding.   My bridesmaid and moh have families and children and they chose to order there dresses before the holidays kicked in.  That is not something I forced upon them.  That is what the bridal party, cousin included agreed on.

    I think it's very interesting that the first response is that I am being unreasonable and it's the poor bridesmaid.  You are assuming I did not have lengthy discussions with each of them and always consider their budgets.

    So I appreciate the advise, but unless you know the whole picture, it's hard to say I'm being unreasonable.  

    It's ok to want to save the bridal party money, but it's a little late they have already purchased their dresses.  And ONCE again it's about the lack of communication.
    Why is that an unreasonable expectation??

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    My bridesmaids ordered their dresses several months aparts, so they are obviously not going to be using the same dye lot. I'm not losing sleep over this.

    She probably didn't tell you about it, because she thought it was not a big deal, and I'm inclined to agree.
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    I had a destination wedding.  Most of the girls selected their dresses within about two months of the wedding date.  One has absolutely nothing to do with the other.

    They don't have to work on your timeline.  You're being a dictator bride.
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    I think PP is right.  She didn't ask your permission because she still did what was needed.  No BM wears a sign that says, "Dresses came from X, Y, and Z" store.  They all look alike and no one will notice.

    Also, the dye lot thing is largely a myth now.  It's not worth fretting over.

    So I think she probably didn't say anything because it wasn't worth mentioning.

    I have to say, if I was told to buy a dress or other article and I could buy the same article of clothing at a cheaper price from a different place, I'd happily save my $20 by going somewhere else.

    I also have a feeling that based on your newest post that you have other issues with her that this isn't about the lack of communication or her buying the dress from a different place at all.  It's a small thing that isn't a big deal but there are things about her that are just annoying you so right now, ANYTHING can be something that you don't love.

    That seems to be how things are when you're stressed with someone.  Before my old roommate and I parted ways, little things like not washing a pot or changing a roll of toilet paper would make me freak out.  Now, when DH doesn't do these things, I'll tease but it isn't an awful thing.

    So my advice is to do some soul searching here and figure out what's really bothering you about her that has nothing to do with this.  And if these are issues you two are having, have a one on one heart to heart with her.  But don't bring up the dress at all as this is a non issue.
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    Felicia, I think you've gone off the deep end with the dress thing.  Come back!  

    If something won't matter ONE DAY after the wedding, it's not worth an argument or a worry.  Will it matter ONE DAY after the wedding where she got the dress, so long as she got it?  Of course not.  So leave her alone.
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    Wow!

    I didnt realize women were so harsh and rude on these message boards....someone asks for some insight or guidance and it seems as if a crime was committed or something!

    geeeez ladies... its just a message board...
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    LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2010
    What would you have done if she came to you about the discount website first?  Forbidden her from ordering the less expensive version of the dress?

    Honestly, it sounds to me like she's being proactive and responsible... she ordered her dress as early as you wanted her to, did it without complaint, found a discount way to do it, and tried to save your other bridesmaids a couple of bucks in the process.

    I think that's great!

    You're getting wedding brain.  It happens to the best of us.  Fight it, for your own sanity.
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