MOH has schedule conflict with wedding... a little venting!

sweet guppy

So my little sister, whom I am pretty close with (we work three feet from each other) is my MOH.

I picked my wedding date (May 21st) about two months ago. I liked that date the best, and will share my anniversary with a good friend. I picked the date for no other reason.

About two weeks after we picked the date, I get a call from my sister that her very very close friend, who she considers a sister, but is not blood related like we are is having her wedding on the same day.

She now is throwing the fact in the face at how disappointed she is that she is going to miss her friends wedding. I jokingly referred to her as being stubborn about something completely wedding unrelated, and she says "I don't think I'm the one who's being stubborn, about something completely stupid, about something she chose for no obvious reason."

I have full flexibility in changing my date, but I don't want to. I like the date. Her friend could only book her venue for that one day in May. Since the original confrotnation about the conflict she has brought it up multiple times even though she clearly stated that she would rather be with me on my wedding date, and she will just have to deal with it.  When I told her I didn't want her to be grumpy on my big day, she said she would "put on a happy face." Becausely that's exactly what I am most looking forward too! Ugh!

Basically the whole thing has a damper on it now. We used to be so excited to plan together, now every time I talk about something wedding she seems depressed. I'm really not looking forward to spending my wedding day with my favorite person in the whole world beside me and having her disappointed.


What should I do?

For perspective, my Mom thinks I should ask her to stand down or agree to never mention it again.

p.s. sorry if this seems out of order and blubberish. I'm super bummed

I forgot to add the option to the poll: Change my wedding date and accomodate her to keep the peace. However, I already hand made, hand stamped and embossed all my Save the Dates based on May 21st! 

gottahavashorti

Do you have a venue yet?

gottahavashorti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-schedule-conflict-wedding-little-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fe20c6f3-c94e-476a-aaa1-5cabcc57daaaPost:6a97e005-7c7f-49fe-a7b2-b6033991f157">MOH has schedule conflict with wedding... a little venting!</a>:
[QUOTE]So my little sister, whom I am pretty close with (we work three feet from each other) is my MOH. I picked my wedding date (May 21st) about two months ago. I liked that date the best, and will share my anniversary with a good friend. I picked the date for no other reason. About two weeks after we picked the date, I get a call from my sister that her very very close friend, who she considers a sister, but is not blood related like we are is having her wedding on the same day. She now is throwing the fact in the face at how disappointed she is that she is going to miss her friends wedding. I jokingly referred to her as being stubborn about something completely wedding unrelated, and she says "I don't think I'm the one who's being stubborn, about something completely stupid, about something she chose for no obvious reason." I have full flexibility in changing my date, but I don't want to. I like the date. Her friend could only book her venue for that one day in May. Since the original confrotnation about the conflict she has brought it up multiple times even though she clearly stated that she would rather be with me on my wedding date, and she will just have to deal with it.  When I told her I didn't want her to be grumpy on my big day, she said she would "put on a happy face." Becausely that's exactly what I am most looking forward too! Ugh! Basically the whole thing has a damper on it now. We used to be so excited to plan together, now every time I talk about something wedding she seems depressed. I'm really not looking forward to spending my wedding day with my favorite person in the whole world beside me and having her disappointed. What should I do? For perspective, my Mom thinks I should ask her to stand down or agree to never mention it again. p.s. sorry if this seems out of order and blubberish. I'm super bummed :( I forgot to add the option to the poll: Change my wedding date and accomodate her to keep the peace.
Posted by sweet guppy[/QUOTE]
Also, option D if you are able to do so. 

sweet guppy

My venue as at my bosses private ranch, and my dates are flexible. Maybe I am being stubborn, but I picked the date first.

Did I mention I already hand made, hand stamped and embossed all my Save the Dates based on May 21st?

GRRR!

lilianne22

Crap, I clicked the one about your mom before catching that she suggested asked her to stand down, I just remember the "not bring it up again part".  I would really vote for you to talk to her about how her comments are hurtful without asking her to not be your MOH anymore.  You shouldn't have to change your date if you don't want to and she shouldn't keep bringing it up with you.  If she chooses to not be your MOH that's one thing, but you shouldn't ask her to step down.  Do make it clear however that you do not want to keep hearing her complain, that's not fair to you.

Belle2Be

Option D.

bablingbrooke

Have you booked your ceremony and reception sites for May 21?  If not, then May 21 is not necessarily your date.  

We had to change our date four times to accommodate different family members, the officiant, and venue availability.  Four times.  Our date went from July 11th to July 25th to July 24th to July 17th, which wound up being our wedding day.

FWIW, I think that immediate family members who have a legitimate conflict are a reason to switch the date.  Especially since it sounds like it's not even "officially" your date.  Plus you mention that it bears no real significance, it just sounds like a matter of principle.  Yes, it's wrong for your sister to pressure you.  But if you think about it, she isn't doing anything wrong.  She isn't scheduling either event.  She has two weddings she very much wants to attend and be a part of and is doing her best to not have to choose between them.  If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you want to do the same?  ETA: I'd eat the cost of a few stamps to save myself some family peace, but that's just me.  

Since you CAN change your date without any trouble, why WOULDN'T you?

sweet guppy

Technically I have kind of booked the site since my boss and I agreed on that date, as it is at her private home. And I confirmed the date with my caterer and cake baker. \

And I already hand made all my save the dates and hand addressed the envelopes.

bablingbrooke

You're 9 months out.  You can reschedule the cake baker.

You can re-do the STDs.  That's very minor and not worth all this.

Honestly, you sound like you had your answer already and didn't really want opinions.

ETA: To all the lurkers out there, THIS is why you don't start planning so far out.

sweet guppy

No I appreciate your opinions. You are probably all right, I should change the date. That would be the grown-up sisterly thing to do. It's still a bummer though.

It's just frustrating that she already agreed she would rather be with me on the date, but then continues to throw it into my face.

bablingbrooke

And that's absolutely wrong of her to do and you're totally within your rights to say something to her about it.  

Manwaithiel

Please consider changing the date. Please.

bethsmiles

Change your date

roma14

I also would change the date if the fact your sister is sad she's missing her best friend's wedding bugs you that much.  IMO it's perfectly reasonable for her to be very sad about that.  So either accept that she's bummed and keep your date, or like other's said, change your date.  I'm sure your sister would be extremely grateful and help you to redo those save the dates! i

mbcdefg

She's probably more comfortable asking YOU to change her date, than asking the friend.

Sisters will always be sisters. Friends sometimes break up over the stupidest shiit. I'd rather get in a fight with my sister than with a friend, frankly, because I know my sister and I will always make up. A friend, not so much.

honeybee724

I would change the date if I were you.

beckster5551

I know it is really hard to change a date but I've done it twice and everytime it has worked out for the best. Have you thought about changing you date to just the next weekend, May 28th 2011? It is a holiday weekend so you can also say you and your FI decided to change the date so guest had more time to travel:)

I hope everything works out!

sweet guppy

Yes, I thought about Memorial Day, except that we live in Santa Cruz, CA, a total beach community, a poplar vacation place, and very touristy. So I worry that people would driving will be in tons of extra traffic. I'm talking a couple of extra hours. We cannot do May 7th as it is Mother's Day weekend.. May 14th is my only other option! Which I have no idea why does not appeal me in the slightest. Call me stubborn if you want!  

gottahavashorti

Go for May 14.

bablingbrooke

I bet in a few days May 14 will seem a lot better

And why couldn't you do the wedding the same weekend as Mother's Day?

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-schedule-conflict-wedding-little-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fe20c6f3-c94e-476a-aaa1-5cabcc57daaaPost:914cab0a-056b-4b73-ab0d-111b4d250190">Re: MOH has schedule conflict with wedding... a little venting!</a>:
[QUOTE]I bet in a few days May 14 will seem a lot better :) And why couldn't you do the wedding the same weekend as Mother's Day?
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Some people have regular plans for Mother's day and might get miffed if they had a wedding to go to instead. I don't see why it has to be a huge deal, but that's my only guess.

Manwaithiel

Wait...you're not doing a Sunday wedding!!
Nvm, Mother's Day is one day just like your wedding is one day. You guys can share a weekend.

sweet guppy

I would share Mother's day except we have decided not to have any kids at our wedding, and several of my cousins who have 4-5 kids will be traveling from out of town to be there. I would not want to ask them to commit their whole Mothers day weekend to my wedding.

I am going to take all your advice, and give myself the weekend to think about May 14th. It's possible it could grow on me. *sigh*

I guess if it doesn't, I will have to personally label myself as a Bridezilla for refusing to change the date... even just the thought of that makes me want to change!

tldh

My brother and best friend were married on the same day at opposite ends of the state.  I simply told the best friend that I couldn't come to her wedding but made sure to be there to help her with any wedding prep and attended all the showers, dinners and b-parties for her.  I never would have dreamt of asking my brother and SIL to change the date.

sweet guppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-schedule-conflict-wedding-little-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fe20c6f3-c94e-476a-aaa1-5cabcc57daaaPost:34bb696c-506f-4f77-b9d2-cfea0f3bf3a7">Re: MOH has schedule conflict with wedding... a little venting!</a>:
[QUOTE]My brother and best friend were married on the same day at opposite ends of the state.  I simply told the best friend that I couldn't come to her wedding but made sure to be there to help her with any wedding prep and attended all the showers, dinners and b-parties for her.  I never would have dreamt of asking my brother and SIL to change the date.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]


Actually the friends wedding is less than 10 miles from where my wedding will be, and is starting three hours later. So the reception should still be going on once my wedding is over. She said she would go dance with them after, and that was fine. But she still pesters, teases, and makes it very clear on a regular basis that she is frustrated and disappointed, and jokingly asks me to change the date.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-schedule-conflict-wedding-little-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fe20c6f3-c94e-476a-aaa1-5cabcc57daaaPost:69476c46-6585-4032-8592-e1f015b44852">Re: MOH has schedule conflict with wedding... a little venting!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH has schedule conflict with wedding... a little venting! : Actually the friends wedding is less than 10 miles from where my wedding will be, and is starting three hours later. So the reception should still be going on once my wedding is over. She said she would go dance with them after, and that was fine. But she still pesters, teases, and makes it very clear on a regular basis that she is frustrated and disappointed, and jokingly asks me to change the date.
Posted by sweet guppy[/QUOTE]

How old is she?!?!?

Viczaesar

Well, honestly, I would do that for my sister.  And you have pretty much no reason not to - you don't have a non-refundable deposit, you don't have another commitment that weekend, and you know that it would make your sister much happier and her life less stressful.  What exactly is the deterrent?

(By the way, OP, I'm from SC too!)

tidetravel

Late to this, but I just wanted to point out that whatever date you choose will be special, because it will be the date on which you GET MARRIED.  It doesn't (shouldn't) matter if the particular number appeals to you pre-wedding, because post-wedding, it will always be associated with your anniversary.

While I agree that your sister shouldn't be passive-agressive about the situation, you can and should be the bigger person.

Like Brooke said, if you can change your date, then why wouldn't you? 

MobKaz

1.  In our area, May 13, 14, 15 is typically a HUGE college graduation weekend at the majorityh of our state schools---just a word of warning in case you have many guests that may have friends/family/children that fit that category.

2.  IF you do change the date, make sure you don't turn around and play the same "game" any time your sister gets pissy.....as in---Wow---I changed the date for you and I still get attitude???

[Deleted User]

Just a thought-- I have a little sister that will be my MOH and IF this happened between us, I would think that -- now stay with me -- by changing my date to keep the peace and *ultimately* make my little sister happy (which I would love to do because she's my little sister) that I not only would achieve my objective but also pull a little unexpected "reverse psychology" on her and she may start to realize what a you-know-what she was acting like before, and understand how much it meant for me to change my date, just because of the principle. Maybe an optimistic thought anyway?

TrinaCasey

To Sweet Guppy:

WOW!  I'm surprised how many people said change your date. Why not compromise?

Why can't your sister go to 2 weddings? Her good friend's starts 3 hours after, she can leave your reception early and go to her friends. You don't seem like you'd have a issue with that.
Instead of changing the date change the time. If the Bud's having theirs at 6pm have yours at 1pm, or visa-versa.

I don't think you should have to change you plans b/c she wants to go to a friends wedding. I realize she's bummed and that it sucks to miss your best friend's wedding (if that's what she chooses) but family comes first and I believe she should be trying to find a compromise, not trying to get you to change your date.

That goes hand in hand with the expression 'can't have your cake and eat it too' This is your big day, not hers. This is also not about "Being a grown up" or "Being responsible" it has nothing to do with it, your wedding is about 2 things: You and you FI.
It's one thing to change the date for an out of town relative, another to change it because your sister/MOH wants to do something else. I call that rearranging your life for someone else.

To a select few posters:

This is what Nash meant when she said "Bitches", you guys politely bashed the bride. A bash is still a bash. The bride said: 'Grrr I don't like this'  The few posters said: 'how can you do that to your poor sister!' 
Everyone has a right to there feelings, and just b/c your older does not make you wiser. I apologize to you guys if Sweet Guppy is not feeling bashed, but please keep mind Nash's and my words.