Bridesmaid regret :( advice welcome!

MissSkyeGrace

I was one of those silly girls who went with my gut when it came to asking my bridesmaids (and much earlier than I needed to I'm sure), and one snap decision with a friend I went to college with has bothered me ever since. 

We were talking over lunch about wedding party stuff and she said she was hoping to be my maid and when she gets married she was planning on asking me to be in her party, and we'd had some good times together (she also got me a job teaching at her school which I'm so thankful for) and so I asked her.

She is not a very reliable friend, cancels a lot or has excuses for why she can't do things with me, which I already knew, but she has changed her lifestyle, grown distant, refuses to do things with my maids including shopping for dresses because she says she's too big for them (but she won't go on a serious diet even though I offer to help her since I'm on one too.)

I know kicking her out of my party would be horrible, and I can't really since we work together and all, but I'm not sure what to do. I've told her that I feel she doesn't really care and that it hurts my feelings, but she just says she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings and nothing changes. Is there any advice on what I can do? Because it sucks to regret asking her, but I feel like she doesn't give a *bleep* about me or being in the party and it feels crappy!! 

Hope I don't sound bridezilla like, it just hurts to feel like your bridesmaids don't care Advice to others - think reallllly hard before you ask your girls!!!!

Viczaesar

Don't care about what exactly?  Really, she doesn't have to be over the moon excited about being in your wedding.  Your wedding to her is just a party, one day that's a long way away still.  A lot of people aren't wedding people and aren't the type to squee over things related to planning a wedding, and since she's not the one planning a wedding that's just fine, she doesn't have to be in to it. 

By asking her to be in the wedding you bestowed an honor on her - an honor without strings.  She doesn't need to become a wedding person.  She may indeed not really care about your wedding, but I bet she's happy about your marriage and your relationship with your soon-to-be husband, and that's all that really matters. 

About the shopping expeditions - she's self-conscious about her body and doesn't want to go dress shopping with a bunch of women whom she may feel have better bodies than she does.  She doesn't need to go shopping with everyone - you can always go alone or with some other members of the wedding party and pick out a selection of dresses for all the ladies to try on at their leisure, and get feedback from there.  Alternatively, especially if you have a lot of self-conscious women or many different shapes in your wedding party, you can pick a color/length from a certain designer and let them all pick dresses that they feel comfortable in and that match their budgets.  That will help take some of the stress off your self-conscious bridesmaid and frankly is easier for everyone, including you.

kennazebrowsky

Maybe she would feel more comfy if you went with her (only the two of you) to get a dress. If she is bigger than the other girls she most likely is not comfortable trying on the same dresses. And she does not have to diet just because you are getting married. Maybe she has low self esteem? Its hard when you feel low about yourself and even harder when your good friends dont support you.

froggatt.clare

Please don't kick her out.

Being a bridesmaid in your wedding isn't going to change her from flakey to reliable.  Cut her some slack, especially if this is just the way she always has been.

I agree with the other posters.  If she is very self-conscious then take her shopping separately and figure out what she feels comfortable in.  You can also choose a color at one of the national chains and allow your maids to choose their own dress with a few specifications (length, etc.)  That way she can find something she really likes.

Kicking her out of the wedding will end your friendship for good, and it doesn't sound like you want that.  All she needs to do is buy the dress and show up clean and sober.  I'm sure you'll be fine with her standing up for you once you figure out the dress.

volleygurl0306

All that is really required of BM is to buy your final dress selection and to show up at the wedding.  Anything beyond that is not required.  Perhaps you talk about the wedding too much?  Do you make a point to have ENTIRE conversations without mentioning the wedding?  Do you frequently ask her what is going on in her life, listen, and respond thoughtfully?  A lot of girls aren't going to be excited about a wedding if they feel like it takes over their friendship.  Also, even if she doesn't come shopping, try to keep her in mind when you select a dress.  Maybe pick a color and let your girls pick a dress they are comfortable in.  Yes, while it seems easy to say people who are upset about their weight should diet and exercise, you can't make anyone make healthier decisions.  If you have offered once, do not offer to be diet buddies again.  It sounds nice and supportive but if you press the issue she's only going to think that YOU now think she's fat too, which won't help. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-regret-advice-welcome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:fe83b5be-8d79-44a6-913b-1fcbe41578b5Post:55aaaea1-2e7f-4c65-869d-2b9870447219">Bridesmaid regret :( advice welcome!</a>:
[QUOTE]I was one of those silly girls who went with my gut when it came to asking my bridesmaids (and much earlier than I needed to I'm sure), and one snap decision with a friend I went to college with has bothered me ever since.  We were talking over lunch about wedding party stuff and she said she was hoping to be my maid and when she gets married she was planning on asking me to be in her party, and we'd had some good times together (she also got me a job teaching at her school which I'm so thankful for) and so I asked her. She is not a very reliable friend, cancels a lot or has excuses for why she can't do things with me, which I already knew, but she has changed her lifestyle, grown distant, refuses to do things with my maids including shopping for dresses because she says she's too big for them (but she won't go on a serious diet even though I offer to help her since I'm on one too.) I know kicking her out of my party would be horrible, and I can't really since we work together and all, but I'm not sure what to do. I've told her that I feel she doesn't really care and that it hurts my feelings, but she just says she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings and nothing changes. Is there any advice on what I can do? Because it sucks to regret asking her, but I feel like she doesn't give a *bleep* about me or being in the party and it feels crappy!!  Hope I don't sound bridezilla like, it just hurts to feel like your bridesmaids don't care :( Advice to others - think reallllly hard before you ask your girls!!!!
Posted by MissSkyeGrace[/QUOTE]

Your wedding doesn't have to be the center of her universe.

AurorasEnvy

On the contrary, I think that while not every BM is required to be "over the moon" excited about a wedding, they shouldn't be treating it like it is a chore, either - people don't have to be in the WP if they don't want to.  I know the typical response on TK is "All the BMs are required to do is buy a dress and show up to the wedding", so going by the "bare minimum" it sounds like your friend doesn't even want to do that.

Without fully knowing the situation, it is impossible to tell why her behavior has changed especially since she told you in the beginning that she wanted to be your BM.  However, going along with what you said about her being distant, IMO it is likely that there is some other issue going on other than "she just isn't into being a BM anymore".  Maybe she is having money issues and feels like she can't afford the dress, having severe self esteem issues relating to her size, having problems in her own relationship, or any endless combination of these or other of life's problems that are making her feel down. 

I know you've said you've brought up the issue by telling her that her behavior hurts your feelings, but I might suggest asking her to go to coffee or something and asking her about what is going on in HER life right now - no mention of the wedding or any bridesmaid stuff.  Maybe she feels like you are so busy/excited with your wedding planning that she doesn't want to burden you with whatever issue she is dealing with at this time.  If she still doesn't want to open up on the issue and still refuses to go dress shopping (whether in a group or just you and her), I'd be more blunt: "You know Jane, I am sorry that you don't feel comfortable talking about what seems to be bothering you lately.  I hope you know that I'm always there for you as a friend if you want to talk about anything.  At this point you know I would love to keep you as a BM, but I just get the vibe from you that you really aren't happy being a part of my wedding party.  I just wanted to let you know that I would still be honored to have you as a guest at my wedding if you no longer wish to be a BM...."

Good luck, hope it all works out.

MissSkyeGrace

Thanks Aurora's Envy! I was watching Bridesmaids last night and it made me upset thay my friend doesn't care to attend events like the ones in the movie like lunches and shopping (even though they went horribly wrong in the movie lol). I don't except her to be obsessed w/ wedding planning, I just thought that since she wanted to be my maid, she would want to participate in things. She has told we she wants to lose weight and won't go dress shopping till she loses like 50 lbs, and thats a lot to lose in 6 months and so I'm worried she won't end up picking a dress - that's the only reason i tried to help her lose weight, not because I thought she was fat - she is the one who brings it up, a lot! I will try and not mention the wedding and just ask about her next time.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-regret-advice-welcome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:fe83b5be-8d79-44a6-913b-1fcbe41578b5Post:8133e82b-09c2-4192-93fe-832020d478ab">Re: Bridesmaid regret :( advice welcome!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Aurora's Envy! I was watching Bridesmaids last night and it made me upset thay my friend doesn't care to attend events like the ones in the movie like lunches and shopping (even though they went horribly wrong in the movie lol). <strong>I don't except her to be obsessed w/ wedding planning, I just thought that since she wanted to be my maid, she would want to participate in things.</strong> She has told we she wants to lose weight and won't go dress shopping till she loses like 50 lbs, and thats a lot to lose in 6 months and so I'm worried she won't end up picking a dress - that's the only reason i tried to help her lose weight, not because I thought she was fat - she is the one who brings it up, a lot! I will try and not mention the wedding and just ask about her next time.
Posted by MissSkyeGrace[/QUOTE]
But just because that's what you want, that doesn't mean that's what she wants.  And that's okay.  She doesn't have to be a wedding person!   The only thing she actually needs to participate in is the wedding.

scorpgirl1120

Shame on you!  Maybe she's uncomfortable with herself and that's why she's being distant.  Remember, just because it's your wedding and right now your life doesn't mean it's your bridesmaids life.  They have things outside of standing in your wedding to do.  Take some time away from planning and be her friend; maybe something is wrong and she needs someone to lean on right now...

You knew who she was when you asked her to stand and part of being a friend is accepting people for who they are!

jojo7786

I also asked a friend of mine that I went to high school with.  Her and I were really close in high school and I always thought she would be a part of my wedding party.  I asked less than week after getting engaged as well.  I feel your pain.  My friend never contacts me about the wedding and always has an excuse for not going and doing things for the wedding.  I have asked her if she still wants to be in it and participate and she always says yes but I think she just says it to not hurt my feelings.  I honestly wish I would have never asked her to be in the wedding and I am thinking that she won't back out on her own.  I was going to just let it go and let time pass and see if she contacts me about it anymore.  If she doesn't then obviously she doesn't care and when/if it comes up I will explain to her my reasoning.  I know it is the cowardly way out but if she isnt going to put forth effort, why should I?  Sounds harsh I know, and I really wish it didnt have to be this way but I dont know what else to do.  Your bridesmaids are supposed to be there to support and help you on your day.... not show up the day of and look pretty.