Memorial for Father at wedding?

talgirl84

My father died 8 years ago from cancer when I was 17. I'm getting married in Israel in June. My father was born in Israel and so was I. My fiance's father is Israeli so we all have a very strong connection to Israel.

Ideally, he would have been there with the rest of my family under the chuppah. I was wondering if there is a tasteful table I can set up during the reception in his honor. I was thinking of a picture of him and I with a little candle. I don't want people to dwell on the fact that he's not there and to make everyone depressed but I just feel that he should be acknowledged.

Any suggestions for a way to honor the memory of my father without bringing everyone down?

Another issue is that my sister is not speaking to my Israeli family members because our aunt did not include her in my father's memorial twice. My sister was out of the country on business and my aunt never tried to re-schedule the memorial so that my sister could be present. On top of that, my sister heard that our cousins have been talking about her behind my sister's back. Jealous issues. So my sister has not been speaking to that side of the family for over 2 years. She expects me to not speak to them either out of loyalty to her and our father because she feels that it was an insult to our father as well.

Personally, I feel that they have issues with her and what they did to her was mean but for my wedding, I need to still invite them and be courteous to them. My sister has forbidden me from communicating with them without her permission. She claims she will get their mailing addresses for me but everything has to be on her terms or else she starts to threaten to not help me with the wedding. Now I'm super nervous because my fiance's aunt is throwing me a traditional Libyan henna party the week before the wedding and it's mostly for only family. Which means I will need to invite my family and I don't know if my sister is prepared to see them both at the henna party and at the wedding.
What to do?

silversparks

Tal -
I'm sure your dad will be missed by many at your wedding, and I think a memorial to him is a very meaningful idea. Neither DH or I had any living grandparents at our wedding, so on the table where we put out the seating cards, we displayed their wedding pictures and put a note in the program that we were thinking of them. I think at her wedding, my sister carried a small photo of them in her bouquet. I think you can tastefully display a photo and possibly a yartzheit candle, although I am personally not a fan of "leaving an empty chair". If your mother is going to walk you down the aisle by herself, that alone will speak volumes of how much you miss him.
As for your sister, how disappointing! I don't know what "help" she is offering you, but her issues with the family should remain hers alone. You are both adults - she can't "forbid you" to do anything. It is totally unfair of her to expect you to take sides, even if you think she does have a valid complaint. Calmly explain to her that her behaviour is hurtful to you, and while she is an incredibly important part of your life, her actions are making what should be a happy and exciting time more stressful - these are not the memories you want to have of your relationship with her after the wedding.
Good luck!

Rachiemoo

I think your idea to honor your father sounds good.  Something else I thought of is you could make a donation in his honor to some sort of cancer research organization.

As for your sister - she needs to suck it up imo.  She can not expect you to not invite certain family members to the wedding just because she does not want you to.  You should invite her to the henna party as well as the wedding (obviously).  You should be upfront with her that these relatives will be there.  It is her decision to come or not come.  That is all you can do.  She should be able to be cordial to them for 1 or 2 days for your wedding imo.

october010bride

I agree with pp on your sister... tell her get over it and if she can't act like an adult then she can't be included in your wedding. She can't "forbide" you to do anything and she needs to know that.

As for your father, firstly I am very sorry for your loss. I too am struggling with how to honor my mother, who died when I was a baby. Mostly likely I will light a yartzheit and the "favors" will be donations in my mothers name to a cancer charity. As well, the rabbi has offered to say something if I would like but I'm not sure if we'll go that route.

talgirl84

What do you mean by the favors would be donations in your mother's name to a cancer charity? How are you going about doing that? Are guests asked to give donations and a wedding gift? It sounds cool but how do you do it in a way that the guests don't think that you're asking them to spend so much money during the wedding?

Rachiemoo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_memorial-father-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:ec287918-49b0-45e9-abbf-b45af3590ec2Post:4b142df3-148a-4a81-9267-67a0e040a90e">Re: Memorial for Father at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]What do you mean by the favors would be donations in your mother's name to a cancer charity? How are you going about doing that? Are guests asked to give donations and a wedding gift? It sounds cool but how do you do it in a way that the guests don't think that you're asking them to spend so much money during the wedding?
Posted by talgirl84[/QUOTE]

I think that what is meant by this is that some people give a donation in honor of their guests to a charity.  Some do this "in lieu" of favors, while some people give favors and do a donation.  Others opt to do a donation and leave it as an anonymous.

RedZee

I'm sorry you lost your father. I also think the picture and candle for your father will be a nice memorial.

For your sister...
I sounds like you feel like she's your sister and she should be involved and have a lot of say in your wedding. I get that. But remember that she isn't the one who is making decisions for your life. The way things are going will only end in problems. Don't rely on her for wedding things, at least not anything that would have to do with other family members. I think we all want our weddings to be like the movies - everyone around us cares about the wedding and wants to help us and celebrate with us and have special moments. In reality, a lot of jealousy issues come up when you're planning a wedding and the less you can leave in other people's hands (that are not hired professionals), the better it'll be in the long run. Make decisions and people will complain and follow along. (You'll hear the complaints either way.)

But, this is coming from someone who had to deal with 2 overbearing older sisters and an overbearing MIL during wedding planning. I tried to let people do what made them happy and the results were a disaster.

Good luck!