African American Weddings

Any brides soon to be stepmom's as well? Advice/ support needed

Morning ladies. I'm asking because I will be. I don't have any children and while I have helped in raising my twin neices and taught Sunday School for years...the idea of being a Step mom is kind of daunting.  I wouldn't change anything, but I'm just nervous about parenting. FI has been going through drama with his BM for a while now. She hasn't been taken good care of his son or her place for that matter, so FI is going to sue for custody.  Amazingly...I feel very calm about all of it. His biggest concern was daycare (that he wouldn't have enough money to pay that). but when we marry I'll be able to take care of the day care as I won't be paying rent anymore...(wow look at God working it out).  Anyhow..His son is three and I don't have those "mommy" feelings toward him yet. There are times I feel FI is too lenient with him...And honestly, as my grandmama would say, "That child ain't been raised." Meaning, his mother hasn't taught him the basics: Say "please" not I want or give me...Addressing adults as "ma'am and sir...And he also throws long winded tantrums.   When FI would get (for several days out the week) he would teach him the above...but when he got the baby back, he'd revert! ....I'm just letting it all out. Sorry this is so long.

Re: Any brides soon to be stepmom's as well? Advice/ support needed

  • edited December 2011
    Wow. I will be a step mother as well. FI's children live with their mothers. He is battling his son's mother now with visitation and complying with the order. He has to take her back to court. His daughter is no problem. A little too grown for my liking but we're cool. The only problem with seeing the kids and being involved is the 800 mile distance. Don't worry, I don't have the "mommy" feeling with them either at first. It will come. We all have different points of views on raising children and how we think a child should be raised. The BM's have to understand that we as Step Mothers are not trying to take their place or try to out do them. Once that becomes clear (and it will take a while for that to happen) everything else will fall into place.
  • NELCORPNELCORP member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am a step-mom and now I have my own baby on the way. My stepson lives with us. At first I did not have that mommy connection with my son but as we grew to know each other more... the love grew as well. No matter what, you must understand that some rules at your house will not be the same at your step-son's mama's house. The good news is that the boy is three so there is plenty of room to mold him into the child you and your FI feel is correct. Over time he will learn the rules and environment at your house and the same for his mother's house and will learn to separate the two. My advice to you is to talk with FI about yall's take on raising and what is and is not accepted from his son and any children you two may have. In my exprience DH did a few things that I wouldn't do or let go when it came to his son but a lot of that had to do with him being a single dad and everything that comes along with that. But once I came into the picture I would correct what litttle there was to correct with my step-son and explain my reasoning to him while infront of my DH so we would all be on one page.It will all work out, in the end just make sure you and FI are a team and pray for direction.
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  • MrsJJohnson2BMrsJJohnson2B member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My stepson is 4 now. We met when he was 2. Im very active in his life! Fi is the same way but girl I crack the whip. I feel like he is my resposiblity and I must care from him like he is my own! i dont play! FI doesnt have a problem with me discipling him. I dont physcally beat him but I give him a sturn look. I know you know the one Im talking about! When he misbehaves he is representing us and I dont want anyone think we are slacking Child lil Jay fell out in the store I kindly picked him up and looked dead and his eyes and said we dont do that here! He trys me every now and then but he is a kid and thats what they do I say find the type of stepmom you want to be! and go from there! I had 2 step parents but they didnt take a caring in my life and I didnt want that impression on him. I dont have children either but I know how you feel! remember yall will be family
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  • MrsJJohnson2BMrsJJohnson2B member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    totally agree with Nelcorp
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  • edited December 2011
    Don't know if you guys are already doing it, but premarital counseling around these issues (you individually and the two of you together about how you will raise your "children," including the 3 year old) would probably be very good.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm going to be a stepmom too. FI has two daughters. There have definitely been some major issues along the way. The girls are raised very differently by their Mom than they are by FI. He says it's always been that way but, the girls know that and they act accordingly when they are with us. We realize that there's always a small trasition time when they go from one home to another but we don't indulge that the rules of our home begin as soon as the girls walk through the front door. I definitely can't say I feel motherly towards them. I'm not sure that's neccesary, they have a Mom but I love them and I love having them around. We have a great relationship and I expect that I will always be more a friend than a second Mom and I'm good with that.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm a step mom to a 25-27 year old. I don't really know her age but it's somewhere in there! LOL! Obviously, there won't be any parenting from me but I just wanted to give my 2cents. I thinks it's ok for you not to have the 'mommy' feelings. Once u start dealing with him on the daily, i'm sure that will all change. He's at a good age. He's not all grown and sassy; although I think girls are more sassy than boys anyway. I agree with your mom with the 'raising'. Kids crave discipline. They need it. And he'll also learn to respect it. He's young, but old enough to know the difference between his mom's don't care attitude and your TLC. I hope that custody deal works out in your favor. He'll probably end up calling you momma, and wrap you around his lil finger! Awwww sha!
  • edited December 2011
    I am .... love the little darlings especially his daughter, son has issues that no one wants to deal with so he can visit but he can't stay. His daughters Mom is trifling....but I don't know if I want to be the mommy full-time to someone's child.....so we have the courts handle the dirty job!  They make her become the parent that she needs to be.As far as daycare, the same way she has him on child support he better do the same thing.GL
    Mr. and Mrs. Jones est. 10/18/2008
  • edited December 2011
    I was going to say everything Mrsjjohn.. said. My stepson to be is 5 he has learned how to act when he is with me and his father. Children will know the rules of each house.
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