What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)

M1ssJ

I believe I lost 2 today ----- the day everyone had to have their money turned in so I could order the dresses from Pearl's Place.

1) Text 2 days ago- Do i have to pay for a hotel? And can you find someone for me to drive down with?
Me: Yes.... I will be providing accomodations for Saturday night. An no. Most people are grown and will be flying.
Her: Oh!
Me: Your mom and our good friend Alice are coming why not call Alice (another BM) and see if you can split the $89 room for one night?
Her: Oh ok

Text at 1 AM: It's offocial I cant be in your wedding
Me: k
Her: You mad
Me: No its ok
Her: I know its not
Me: it has to be there is nothing I can do to change it

2) Is a MOH. She came to the Bachelorette Party and slept and talked on the phone to a guy te entire time. She told the other MOH she couldnt afford to help with the shower and she didnt have $50 to contribute.
I text her.

Her: Oh the money was due today? I guess I'll order directly from AA
mE: K
Her: I'll call you tomorrow around 7
Me: K

3) Sent a GroupMe, email, and personal text. No response.


4)
Last night:
Her: Can you pay for my dress until the 15th?
Me: I dont know about that
Her: I am really broke right now
Me: So am I
Her: Jack (her son) had some school fees due and honestly if I pay for the dress now I would have no money to even take him to the movies on his birthday ( Thursday)
Me: I'll call you back


SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wHYYYYYYYYY? I told all of you what to budget and found the dress for $100 less. Why is this so difficult?

rowenac82

I really don't get it.  I am not sure I have much else to add other than that. I can't say how many times I have been a BM (well I can 4 times) and I just knew up front, 1) it's going to be expensive, 2) The bride is going to say and do things I don't like but what's important is that she is happy and we are still friends at the end of this. 

GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE!!!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:c7d0069c-1f6b-4b45-a478-609552faa710">What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]I believe I lost 2 today ----- the day everyone had to have their money turned in so I could order the dresses from Pearl's Place. 1) Text 2 days ago- Do i have to pay for a hotel? And can you find someone for me to drive down with? Me: Yes.... I will be providing accomodations for Saturday night. An no. <u><strong>Most people are grown</strong></u> and will be flying. Her: Oh! Me: Your mom and our good friend Alice are coming why not call Alice (another BM) and see if you can split the $89 room for one night? Her: Oh ok Text at 1 AM: It's offocial I cant be in your wedding Me: k Her: You mad Me: No its ok Her: I know its not Me: it has to be there is nothing I can do to change it 2) Is a MOH. She came to the Bachelorette Party and slept and talked on the phone to a guy te entire time. She told the other MOH she couldnt afford to help with the shower and she didnt have $50 to contribute. I text her. Her: Oh the money was due today? I guess I'll order directly from AA mE: K Her: I'll call you tomorrow around 7 Me: K 3) Sent a GroupMe, email, and personal text. No response. 4) Last night: Her: Can you pay for my dress until the 15th? Me: I dont know about that Her: I am really broke right now Me: So am I Her: Jack (her son) had some school fees due and honestly if I pay for the dress now I would have no money to even take him to the movies on his birthday ( Thursday) Me: I'll call you back SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wHYYYYYYYYY? I told all of you what to budget and found the dress for $100 less. Why is this so difficult?
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

Slim Shady, party of 1.  Ms. Shady, party of 1, your table is ready.   L.M.A.O.!!!

Le Sigh.  See I want to yell, but part of it is, you (general you) never know somebody's circumstance or personal struggle/<strong>real</strong> issue right in that moment, so good angel says:  B, don't judge.  devil says:  thafuck?? we had this talk 11 months ago, at which time, you could've put aside 19 american dollars a month in the maxwell house tin on the stove.   the end.  signed, don'twannahearit.

Good angel's the one to usually listen to though soooo.  You told em it was okay, is it really?   I mean it sounds like you cool den a fan but can we talk about whether it's making you feel a way for real?  Want either of em back?

Tash got one word that sums up you and Tray:  Darwinism.  Word.  

TL25

I'm sorry. I know times is hard but why wait til monies are due to drop out, ugh silly people.

M1ssJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:2accf420-0094-4bdc-8c9c-082cb948f891">Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT) : Slim Shady, party of 1.  Ms. Shady, party of 1, your table is ready.   L.M.A.O.!!! Le Sigh.  <strong>See I want to yell, but part of it is, you (general you) never know somebody's circumstance or personal struggle/ real issue right in that moment, so good angel says:  B, don't judge.</strong>  devil says:  thafuck?? we had this talk 11 months ago, at which time, you could've put aside 19 american dollars a month in the maxwell house tin on the stove.   the end.  signed, don'twannahearit. Good angel's the one to usually listen to though soooo.  You told em it was okay, is it really?   I mean it sounds like you cool den a fan but can we talk about whether it's making you feel a way for real?  Want either of em back? Tash got one word that sums up you and Tray:  Darwinism.  Word.  
Posted by sultryzulu[/QUOTE]
Which is why I've not asked anything of anyone and I dont try to judge but when people are your good friends you KNOW their business so its hard for me to say ok knowing what I know about them and everything.

Just makes me annoyed that people just dont say upfront. I cant!

tirathemrs

Thats just crazy...to me if they didnt have the money dont act funny but just tell me the situation so we can just make some arrangments for u to be a guest instead of in the party...SMH PPL ARE A MESS THESE DAYS

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:5d446c5e-2e3a-4330-9101-475c98b4fa03">Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT) : Which is why I've not asked anything of anyone and I dont try to judge but when people are your good friends you KNOW their business so its hard for me to say ok knowing what I know about them and everything. <strong>Just makes me annoyed that people just dont say upfront.</strong> I cant!
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

fair point, now do you think they know this upfront?  or come up on some:   oooh I'd love to be in the wedding but planning isn't their strongsuit? 

Carla1019

I am realizing that the people in my life that have money problems and LOTS of other issues is because they don't manage their life well. It is easy for us to say put $$ in a jar for X amount of time and there you go. But to these people, if they had the desipline to do that they would have the disipline to have something in savings.

I know I sound VERY judgmental but if I took a guess 90% of these people we are all talking about are not just "going through a tough time right now", they have been going through a tough time with money most of their lives.

I know we love these girls but I'm taking the responsibility that I chose a "friend" to be a BM when I knew she always had drama, I knew she was ALWAYS broke, and I knew she was a little jealous.

Anyone starting the wedding process and have not chosen your BMs yet, learn from our mistakes.....think LONG & HARD who you ask!!!

M1ssJ

I guess I'm annoyed because this was all last night. And I sent out an email 2 months ago with estimated cost of the dress, shoes, hair and makeup, and a link to common BM duties.

We were all supposed to go dress shopping the Monday after my shower and only 3 faithful ones showed. I sent out a text on June 1ST saying the money would be due by July 1st.  I let them know June 2nd the price had dropped because of Pearl's place.

When that first paycheck hit 4 of them gave me half of the money and followed up with their last paycheck.

2 called and told me they would have the full amount on July 5th if I could hold out until then.

I guess I just need to let it go, I know life happens but its hard to put into practice!

keyaira04

I'm with you on this one. Just be honest. Is that too hard?

Its like, You know me, I know you. We both knew you were stuggling with this $100 30 days ago and you knew then you were more than likely going to drop out. Yeah, I'm hurt due to this news, but like you said well, what am I suppose to do to change it. cry? pout? pay for you? no. I'm going to keep it moving. 

nitaashanti78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:f4d398e3-0c2b-4a88-9dbb-b30aad954dbb">Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]I am realizing that the people in my life that have money problems and LOTS of other issues is because they don't manage their life well. It is easy for us to say put $$ in a jar for X amount of time and there you go. But to these people, if they had the desipline to do that they would have the disipline to have something in savings. I know I sound VERY judgmental but if I took a guess 90% of these people we are all talking about are not just "going through a tough time right now", they have been going through a tough time with money most of their lives. I know we love these girls but I'm taking the responsibility that I chose a "friend" to be a BM when I knew she always had drama, I knew she was ALWAYS broke, and I knew she was a little jealous. Anyone starting the wedding process and have not chosen your BMs yet, learn from our mistakes.....think LONG & HARD who you ask!!!
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

^^^ALLA THIS. 
Now I only have 3 BM's and I am hoping and praying that they don't give me any mess...because once I send out these "Will You Be My Bridesmaid" cards...it'll be on...lol

kittybutton

ugghh these ladies...I have no clue why they do what they do. I was in 3 weddings and even though some of them were last min that I was added I was ready. I agree with Carla people need to manage their money a little better. Sure things come up but dang They KNEW about the wedding and dress cost months in advance...smh..oh well on to the next.

msbdumas

So sorry you and MrsBoss is going thru this...even tho my wedding isn't til next May..I'm bout to text my girls right now with a news text news letter about their attire and prices so I don't have this problem come April and May ! I think my issue is going to be the GM's...they all live out of town except for 1 which he is talking bout moving in May when the wedding is !!! He is the BM..yea ikr...that another vent...sorry I'm hijacking ! Lol ..by now you can't stress over this small stuff...that say weddings and funeral bring out the worst and best in people..so breath, relax and continue on with the BMs who are still down !

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:9d043daa-0970-49ad-921e-cdd3a1cebf62">Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT) : ^^^ALLA THIS.  Now I only have 3 BM's and I am hoping and praying that they don't give me any mess...because once I send out these "Will You Be My Bridesmaid" cards...it'll be on...lol
Posted by nitaashanti78[/QUOTE]

If I were you, don't ask until you are 6 months out.

M1ssJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:d85b2bd3-8051-40bc-99dc-3e5bd92b98af">Re:What is with BMs? Long amp; vENT</a>:
[QUOTE]So sorry you and MrsBoss is going thru this...even tho my wedding isn't til next May.<strong>.I'm bout to text my girls right now with a news text news letter about their attire and prices so I don't have this problem come April and May</strong> ! I think my issue is going to be the GM's...they all live out of town except for 1 which he is talking bout moving in May when the wedding is !!! He is the BM..yea ikr...that another vent...sorry I'm hijacking ! Lol ..by now you can't stress over this small stuff...that say weddings and funeral bring out the worst and best in people..so breath, relax and continue on with the BMs who are still down !
Posted by msbdumas[/QUOTE]
You would think this would help but I've been engaged since March 2010, these girls knew all of the prices because we all have gone shopping together but I couldnt decide on a dress right away because styles change etc.

The email 2 months ago was basically a "remember what we talked about here it is in one place"

Good luck though hun

keyaira04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:eb63a99b-bcd5-4422-9b5f-13949b6768f3">Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT) : If I were you, don't ask until you are 6 months out.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>agreed. 

</div>

MrsBoss2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:f4d398e3-0c2b-4a88-9dbb-b30aad954dbb">Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]t<strong> I'm taking the responsibility that I chose a "friend" to be a BM when I knew she always had drama, I knew she was ALWAYS broke, and I knew she was a little jealous.</strong> <strong>Anyone starting the wedding process and have not chosen your BMs yet, learn from our mistakes.....think LONG & HARD who you ask!!!</strong>
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

PUH-LEASE learn from us!!! Anyone with pre-existing issues don't even do it. If you only adding them because you feel obligated, need to even up the sides, any of that...DON'T DO IT!


Ok so J I sympathize with you whole heartedly but you still have some months to go so I say its good that the fat is being trimmed now before they even have dresses. As far as the one wanting you to pay for it, I would say don't even expect that money back if you do. I mean what she gonna do about hair, makeup, shoes, anything else that may come up.  It's so disheartening to see how our closest friends/family act. I have only been in one wedding and I just see that its an honor to be in a wedding. Not everyone does. You're not doing me any favors! Go ahead and leave! Hugs girl!

nitaashanti78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-is-with-bms-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:12990adf-c35c-481e-9114-e60d85b800f4Post:eb63a99b-bcd5-4422-9b5f-13949b6768f3">Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What is with BMs?~~~ (Long & vENT) : If I were you, don't ask until you are 6 months out.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

That's good advice, I'm trying to follow it.  One is my sister and one is my FSIL, so hopefully they won't flake out.  The other one's issue at the moment is that she may be relocating from Houston to DC, so I'm hoping she works out.

M1ssJ

Good advice on the 6 months out!

and MrsB thank you. I am so not concerned though I sent her that nice sorry I cant do it text

chescam

Girl count your lucky stars they let you know now. Look at it this way, you didn't kick them out so they can't really get mad at you. I don't understand why people do this. I had a bridesmaid that put her deposit down but didn't pick up her dress in time. She was probably waiting for me to kick her out but I didn't . I called the dress shop and had them hold on to it for two weeks. She got her money together by then and came to the wedding. Also pearls place shipping is pretty good. I had two international girls and one of their dresses was ordered about a month before the wedding and got there in time. Hope it all works out for you