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I think I'm a bad daughter-in-law (long)

I've never been the type to be cool with anyone's mom. For years I wasn't even close to my own mom, so whenever I was dating I stayed as far away as possible from my SO's parents because I felt like there was no need for us to be close.

Now that I'm married and pregnant, I haven't really changed. Sometimes I feel bad because I don't answer the phone when my MIL calls my cell, and I pretend to be sleep when she calls DH so I don't have to talk to her. I just feel like we don't have anything to talk about. And I refuse to call her mom, although she insists. Usually I refer to her as Mrs. and her last name or her nickname lol. A couple weeks ago when I did talk to her and FIL they said "I love you" when they got off the phone and I didn't know what to say. I was like "uh huh" because I only tell my DH and my close family I love them.

Since it's getting closer to my due date, MIL has been adament about being in the delivery room since it's her first grandchild. I refuse to let her in the delivery room. She had the nerve to say that since my mom lives so far away that she would be there in her place as I give birth. I'm sorry, but no one takes my mama's place anywhere. I don't even want my mom in the delivery room because I'd be uncomfortable. My mom doesn't want to be in the delivery room because she's a fainter and doesn't do well in medical situations with blood and stuff, so we have an understanding.

As I get closer to having a baby in my arms and not in my belly, I don't even know how I feel about MIL taking care of the baby once she's here. DH asks me if I'll be ok with it, and I lie and say yes. But when the time comes for us to need a babysitter I'm really not sure. And I don't even know why I feel like this.

Is it just because I'm a bad daughter-in-law?

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Re: I think I'm a bad daughter-in-law (long)

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    edited December 2011
    Honey, from what I know of you you're too sweet.  Have you and MIL ever had any "bad blood" between you or are you just not feeling her like that?  Is there something about her that doesn't sit well with you or do you think you'd be like that regardless of who the MIL was?
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    edited December 2011
    Hmm...I don't think you're a bad DIL, but I do think you need to pray on this and ask God to open your heart to her a little more or at least reveal to you why you feel the way that you do. Stand your ground on the delivery room if it makes you uncomfortable, but try to warm up to the idea of her helping with the baby. She won't take YOUR mom's place, but she is your DH's mom so she obviously has raised a wonderful man.
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    edited December 2011
    I don't think anything you said makes you a bad daughter in law! You do not have to allow her to be in the delivery room if it will make you uncomfortable. She should try and consider your feelings about the matter and not try to ease her way in regardless of if it is her first grandchild or not. As for you being comfortable leaving Olivia with her once she is born that is up to you, maybe if you allow her to watch over her with you at home a few times (like when you need some rest or have things to do around the house) eventually you will be ok with your MIL watching her while you are out.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_think-im-bad-daughter-law-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1efb9626-152d-4ea3-9717-5247adc37ec3Post:0e714ee1-8988-4092-8295-71900272388b">Re: I think I'm a bad daughter-in-law (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honey, from what I know of you you're too sweet.  Have you and MIL ever had any "bad blood" between you or are you just not feeling her like that?  Is there something about her that doesn't sit well with you or do you think you'd be like that regardless of who the MIL was?
    Posted by NeColeMonet[/QUOTE]

    Aww thanks :).

    We've never had "bad blood," but she did annoy me during the wedding. She did some things I thought were shady surrounding our wedding day that really rubbed me wrong, but honestly I think I'd act like this even if I had a different MIL.
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks so much for the advice eagles & hisSparklett!
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    edited December 2011

    Hi missrekaeagle... none of what you said makes you a bad daughter-in-law... at all.. You feel how you feel... but to piggy back on what a PP stated... Now that you are becoming a mother yourself...pray about it... and try to open your heart to her, as she is attempting to open her heart to you.... She may have been a little shady around the wedding time... and she prolly did rub you the wrong way... because thats what they do... but, try anyway... You are married to her baby and a lifetime is a long time... so, anything that any of you can do to try to make it as smooth as possible... just do.... It seems as though she's trying to build some type of relationship with you.... Let her...  

    Count the blessings as they are...
    Y'all dont live with her/them
    She dont call erryday... (I hope not anyway)
    And atleast she TRYS to treat you well (I'm hoping) and has accepted you... Sooo many brides dont have that...

    Now, the delivery room stuff... Nix that if you're uncomfortable... and let that be that... and see how she does and how you feel after Olivia gets here... Only time can tell on that one... This is your first baby and you are gonna have those feelings... I'm sure... You might not want anyone to keep your baby.... Sometimes thats how it goes.... That's just my 2 cents... It's all gonna work out!!! for the best!!!

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    edited December 2011

    Fisrt let me issue this disclaimer:  "I have never been pregnant nor given birth."

    I don't think you're a bad DIL, but just not accustomed to being "close" to anyone - including your own mother.  I have a similar issue:  FIs family are very loving - they tell each other "I love you" on the regular - even the males.  So, for me it's been an adjustment because my family doesn't really say that, you just kinda know it.  My Mom tried to be more affectionate with us in her later years, but you can tell it was a struggle because the famiily just doesn't display affection too much.  So, now that you're about to become a mother yourself, you are probably feeling extremely protective.  I remember my FMIL telling the story about when she had FI she didn't trust NO ONE, not even her own husband and mother, with him when he was an infant.  Of course I thought that was crazy because I'm thinking to myself that why wouldn't you?  Those are the people you should be able to trust with your child! Of course, not being a mother, I don't get it.

    Now, as for the delivery room part:  when did it become acceptaable to have the whole neighborhood there while you're laid up there with legs spread and from what I hear not the most comfortable position??????  If you don't want her there, let her know.

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    edited December 2011
    Nope. Not a bad daughter in law. I think you just need to give her something to be involved in about the baby. Perhaps have her look for an item you really want for the baby OR like someone suggested, when you have some free time (say you're going to the grocery store after the baby), you call her up and see if she would be willing to spend an hour or 2 with the baby.

    My SIL had my mom there when she had both of my nephews. I on the other hand have NO wishes to have my MIL there. I do want my mom there though. And my MIL is so nice and kind to me that I am thankful everyday for her. However, I still don't have that whole "mom" feeling with her. Its more a "this is the woman who raised a wonderful man" feeling that I have towards her.

    You can't change how you feel but like PP said, you can pray about it and ask God to open your heart up to be able to let her in a bit. You might find that you both enjoy each other's company a little.

    In everything though, PRAY! Women are born with intuition. If something about her rubs you the wrong way, there might be something there that your subconscious took note of but hasn't yet come to the surface.

    HTH.

    **Hugs**
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    edited December 2011
    You are not a bad daughter in law..Not at all!
    You know what you are comfy with and people need to respect that. If you dont want anyone in the delivery room then they must respect that. When we are ready, I wont have anyone either because its a very personal thing to me to share with my husband. Everyone else can wait til after the birth and then come visit...maybe...

    dont let anyone bully you into thinking you are wrong. this is your baby and your family.... and if need be i'll be there swinging my sock full of oranges and grapefruite
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_think-im-bad-daughter-law-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1efb9626-152d-4ea3-9717-5247adc37ec3Post:ee685aec-3dd6-4d1f-a69d-f9b78a543b5f">Re: I think I'm a bad daughter-in-law (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Fisrt let me issue this disclaimer:  "I have never been pregnant nor given birth." I don't think you're a bad DIL, but just not accustomed to being "close" to anyone - including your own mother.  I have a similar issue:  FIs family are very loving - they tell each other "I love you" on the regular - even the males.  So, for me it's been an adjustment because my family doesn't really say that, you just kinda know it.  My Mom tried to be more affectionate with us in her later years, but you can tell it was a struggle because the famiily just doesn't display affection too much.  So, now that you're about to become a mother yourself, you are probably feeling extremely protective.  I remember my FMIL telling the story about when she had FI she didn't trust NO ONE, not even her own husband and mother, with him when he was an infant.  Of course I thought that was crazy because I'm thinking to myself that why wouldn't you?  Those are the people you should be able to trust with your child! Of course, not being a mother, I don't get it. <strong>Now, as for the delivery room part:  when did it become acceptaable to have the whole neighborhood there while you're laid up there with legs spread and from what I hear not the most comfortable position??????</strong>  If you don't want her there, let her know.
    Posted by banks69[/QUOTE]

    LOL, right!
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    edited December 2011
    Reka im sending you a msg on fb because what Im fixing to say I cant just blast on TK. LOL.
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    7venAfricano7venAfricano member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    You're not a bad DIL. As far as the delivery room situation goes, tell her (kindly) that it's a no. I didn't even want my mother at the birth of my son, even though she was, nor my mother and sisters at the birth of my daughter, although they were, but in both cases I was in no position to object (kind of hard to tell someone to get the hell out or that you don't want them there when you're having contractions). However with my third I told the hospital and family I didn't want extra people like it was a spectators sport. FI? Cool, he was the reason I was in that position in the first place but I would've rather kept my private business, private.

    As for your feelings towards her, I agree with PP that you should pray on it. I'm not close to my FI's mom at all, and found myself in an awkward position when she said that she loved me and the kids- I think I may have muttered that they (the kids) loved her too. Just pray on it and ask the Lord to touch your heart where your MIL is concerned. Oh, and with your first child, your more likely to not want anyone (even MIL) to hold, touch, small, even peek at your baby lol. Crazy but true. You're a mom for the first time and you're protective- completely natural. I was like that with my 1st born, and even a little bit with my other two but nothing like my first. It's just your motherly instinct but give her a chance. You'll be surprised how much having a person who is WILLING to help watch your baby is much appreciated when you're sleep deprived or just need down time from the task of caring for a newborn.

    Good luck and God bless.

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    edited December 2011
    Thank you all so much!!! I'm really going to pray about this thing because God really needs to open my heart up and I really need to be less standoffish.

    And I'm definitely going to stand my grand about the delivery room. My motto is if you aren't medical staff or if you weren't there when she was conceived, you don't need to be there when she's delivered lol.
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    edited December 2011
    I think how you feel is pretty natural. And I can imagine that a lot of women need to get adjusted to sending their babies to the grandparents. However, I would never call FMIL mom even if I had a different one. I wouldn't let her be in the delivery room. I would pray but if how you are is how you are....I don't see the point in changing the essence of who you are. 

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    edited December 2011
    Oh Please- You are not a bad daughter-in-law. The delivery room decision is a very personal one. She needs to go to "Rent-A-Daughter" or something to fix her problems.
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    edited December 2011
    I don't think you are a bad DIL but I think you should give her a chance to find something in common, give her some type of chance to be a part of your life....maybe start asking her question about herself or having a monthly lunch with her  so that you don't feel so akward around her later on.

    as for being in the delievery room...it is your decision on who you want in the room...I don't think you should tell her but I think your husband should tell his mother that she isn't invited in the room, becuase not being invited in the room really could hurt her feelings. That way she doesn't hate you but she'll probably not push for it if  as often if she hears from her son that you both made the decision to just have you two in the room and no one else....

    I
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