Money & guestlist - Warning LONG

Tygirljojo

This has been eating at me for nearly a week now.  One of the biggest stresses for me with planning the wedding is my mom.  Honestly, I'm at the point where I'm ready to go and elope and hopefully FI's family can make it, if mine do, great, if they don't, at this point, I don't care.  I would love for our closest friends to be able to attend.  I'm still upset that my mom went and invited those 4 guests that I've NEVER met before.  And, on top of that, after that I had a discussion with her, trying to explain why that stressed me out and how stressed I am about money.  My parents have already said they don't have any to give us for the wedding, okay, fine.  FI, for some reason, still is of the mindset that the bride's parents should pay, but he understands for the most part.  Anyhow, so as some of you are aware, my mom comes from a very different cultural background than me.  In her mind, my parents should be able to invite about 20 people.  Ummm....no, Mom.  Yes, typically the brides parents can say who to invite, but also typically the brides parents pay. Sooo.....A couple weeks ago she called me up saying she needed to talk to me in person.  I swung by the house with FI.  In essence, she had an asian gold ring and necklace to give him.  Uh...okay.  FI doesn't wear jewelry.  His ring will be of a darker metal like titanium, tungsten, etc.  that's what he likes.  He has an asian gold necklace he's worn since his dad gave it to him for being BM at his 2nd wedding several years ago (his dad was in the Air Force and bought it in Korea).  FI didn't know what to think of it - neither is really his style.  I asked my mom why she gave him that - it was a nice gesture, but it's not really his style (not to mention we could use the money).  She got upset saying she had to give it to him so she could tell her mom she gave FI gifts for marrying me.  She then told me that my grandma gave my dad a gold ring and necklace which shocked me.  I asked if my dad had ever worn them (because I don't remember him ever wearing anything like that) and she said no.  The logic goes beyond me.Mind you, I'm trying to pay some sort of homage to her culture by having the BMs wear traditional Thai style dresses, using orchids, etc.  I thought she would wear a traditional Thai dress, but no.  She had a western style, MOB type dress one that she bought over there.  Yet, we go to a wedding of a friend of hers a couple months ago and she wears her traditional Thai dress!  GAH!  This woman drives me nuts!So, here I am, stressing, trying to figure out how to cut back on the costs of the wedding, and the best way is to cut down our guest list that now sits at 102.  I'm thinking of telling my mom that she'll have to tell her 4 friends that they cannot come, especially since I'm not considering cutting out my own friends.  Some of them I don't talk to very much or haven't in however many years, but we keep touch every now and then.  It just sucks because some of them were there for me during hard times, and some I've known for decades.  So, someone want to refresh me on the general idea of who to invite and who to not?For anyone who read all this through, thank you, and I'm sorry for the terribly long post.

tcook212

I'm sorry about all the stress.  It's interesting how the wedding industry has turned into more about money and putting on faces than sharing the good wishes and love of a couple.  I can understand the cultural differences and trying to cope.  My mother is Korean and sometimes the way she views things astounds me.  Like you, I try to understand but it's tough.Is there any way to cut costs in the food budget?  Maybe take out appetizers during cocktail hour and just put out something simple (mixed nuts, inexpensive finger foods like brushetta)?  It is not so to easy to cut the guest list I know.  We found that food is the easiest place to cut cost.  A friend of mine once told me, "No one remembers the food unless it's bad or if it's over the top awesome-like lobster or something).  The important thing is to remember there are a lot of pople who love you and want to share your day.  I would see if you could cut some things so you don't have to cut the guest list.  My heart goes out to you.  Your story really hits home with me.  GL!

amandasw

All I can say is I'm really sorry you're going through this.  DH's mom drove me crazy to the bitter end wanting to add random people even he had never met.  Granted, they helped pay for the wedding so I had to give in to some of it, but it really frustrated both of us that she just pushed and pushed.  There were a lot of cultural differences (she is Korean) that made so many steps of the process more complicated than it should have been.  DH was good about saying "no" though when it really counted, but it was difficult for him.  I don't typically agree that "whoever pays has the final word" just because I think weddings are more than just about the money, but in this case, the number of people directly correlates to the amount of money you have to spend.  So, believe me when I say I know that explaining all that to her is not an easy task, but she does love you and on some level has to care how you feel.  I hope it works out

therickson

I am sorry you are so stressed! I totally understand though.. Weddings are so expensive and if you are paying for it you should have final say! Do you have the budget for her to invite any people? What number were you thinking (if any)? Do these friends live here? Is there a chance that they might not make it? We have a sort of similar situation... It is not money but space. FIL gave me a list of 40 people before we booked a venue and so we picked a place that fit that plus their list... A couple months ago they gave me the list with the actual names and addresses and it had 80 people on it!! We trimmed as much as we could but evetually had to tell them that they needed to do the same... The reason that the list is so long is from FFIL needing to invite people out of respect as well.. In the end I suggested sending very nice announcements about the marriage to some OOT and international guests to trim the list... These are people that FI does not really know as well... Could this be an option for you? It was not a fun conversation (for FI...I wussed out!) but I do not think there is any lingering animosity... I think it said that you had already talked to her but could you give her a set number of people to invite?? I hope this gets easier for you! Wow that got long... sorry! We came up with something to make

Tygirljojo

I just realized I meant to say "I'm thinking of telling my mom that she'll have to tell her 4 friends that they cannot come, especially since I'm now considering cutting out my own friends."   Thanks, ladies.  I'm trying to keep the positive in mind while considering everything.  FI and I want to have the cocktail hour so we can have time to mingle with the guests so we can enjoy our dinner.  Honestly, our caterer is really reasonably priced for apps ($1/pp per app) so it's a good deal either way.  In the grand scheme of things, we're pretty well off for how much the food is costing us, especially with what it comes with.  Cutting out a thing here and a thing there would only save use a couple hundred dollars which to us, isn't quite worth it.  If it was a thousand, great, but after creating a comparison spreadsheet, the only thing that will make a dent is the guest count.

cupcakepirate

I say if they've been there for you and FI through out your relationship, or hard personal times etc, then invite them/keep them on the listIf you or FI have no idea who they are, then say no. THey have no direct connection to these people. I think you just maybe need to reconfirm for her that it's your budget, you're paying for it, so you have the say. If they aren't contributing, they don't get to invite people. Simple as that (I know it's easier said than done, I'm notorious for not having a spine when it comes to standing up to my family and telling them no... but I'm getting better.)It must be hard having to deal with that sort of mindset/cultural background, but regardless of her cultural upbringing, it is your wedding to your FI, and she needs to also respect that you are being respectful of her cultural by tying in Thai things, but it's a day celebrating you and your FI's relationship and wedding. She needs to understand that.

karebear219

I am so sorry tygirl. I don't have any advice. I would probably tell your mom either she has to remove her friends or she has to pay for thier spots. That has worked for me with my in laws.

sarack

How frustrating. My parents haven't tried to invite anyone yet but FI's parents have been kinda hell to work with.I think that you shouldn't have to cut your friends who probably feel like family so that your mom can invite some friends. I would tell her that you can't afford to have them there and tell her if they come, she must pay for them being there. I don't understand why people think they are entitled to inviting people to other people's weddings. ESPECIALLY if they aren't paying for anything. I understand that there are customs and such but she can't pick and choose which ones she'd like to do. That isn't fair. If so, tell her there is a tradition that the brides parents pay for everything so you'd appreciate if she would honor that one.I'm a b!tch and I'm over people trying to rule my day. Either way, you and your mom are going to be irritated in someway. I say, better your mom than you, you have enough to worry about. She'll get over it.

dbraulik

I don't envy you and your position!It is so tough. When I was married the first time, my parents invited their friends. Some I had never met. Some I had met once or twice. In the end, not many of them showed up. I think out of 20 guests invited - 3 showed up. But I agree with a pp. Can you show her the budget and say something like "Look. We've budgeted for 100 people. Tops! And we are currently at 104 with your friends. We absolutely cannot have any more people without a financial contribution from you." Maybe she's not aware of how freaking expensive guests are?

melissa82

I'm sorry you've been stressed. It sounds like a lot of this was eating away at you for a while so it's good to get it out.As far as the guest list, I would say if you need to cut the list, those 4 people you don't know are a great place to start. There's no reason you should sacrifice friends for strangers. (Easier said than done, I know--FI's parents have a few strangers [to us] on their list so I know how frustrating it is.) It's hard for me to relate to some of the guest list thing because for us, our parents are inviting the majority of the guests, and only about 25% of our guest list are our friends. While I don't appreciate FILs adding strangers without fully realizing we are sacrificing friends for those people, I can't imagine not letting the parents invite at least a certain number of people. Those people should, however, be somewhat close to you and your FI (IMO).For some of the other issues, I think it's important to remind yourself that people don't always offer what you'd like them to. You really can't control how your mom chooses to spend her money. If she gives FI a gift, that's her choice. FI's parents are hosting our RD (mainly because they feel they are "supposed" to) and while we might have better uses for some of that money, it's their choice as to how they want to spend it.The same goes for your mom's dress. She can pick and choose what to wear to what events, even if it seems odd or inconsistent. If it's important to you that she wear her traditional Thai dress, perhaps you can mention how much you like when she wears them and you'd love for her to wear it to the wedding?

melissa82

I think I might avoid sharing your budget with mom actually. Based on your previous posts, I think it will open up a whole 'nother can of worms about how you're spending too much, etc. I think there is too much of a cultural difference there. I would just say--this is what I can afford, and this is where I have to cut.

Ciaram22

All I can say really is I'm sorry. I do think though that your mom have to pay for her 4 friends if she wants them invited.But I will say, if you need any help with anything you know how to get ahold of me.

Tygirljojo

Lol, Melissa was correct.  When I told her how much each guest was costing us, she was like "why is it so much?" blah, blah, blah.  Ummm....mom, you got married in THAILAND 30 YEARS AGO.  Things are different over here and now.  She did offer to pay for them, but it's just that it drove me nuts how offended she was that I got upset.  But thank you ladies for letting me vent and offering the advice.  And Ciara, thank you.  You're a doll.