African American Weddings
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FMIL a little TOO involved (sorry for all the venting lately)

So,  after letting FMIL know who I chose as BM's. She's like oh you didn't put (FI's brother's baby mama in). I said "no!" and I gave her my honest opinion that I don't talk to her that much and that my overall decision was based on ppl that I've known for years. She then proceeded to tell me that "baby mama's" feelings would be hurt that she would not be included in wedding. So, I decided that she could carry our deceased grandparents pictures down the aisle along with one of my family members (because we will be doing a dedication to them), FMIL agreed that this would be okay. However, after a few days FMIL doesn't think she should do it bc she is not a "blood relative" to the family and suggests FI's cousin carry it,,,again I was okay with it and decided to make "baby mama" a reader, and thought everything was solved. It wasn't until recently "baby mama' calls and asks whats the budget for "our dresses and things so I can start saving". At this point, I am totally confused and was thinking to myself "a budget for a reader", and then I thought she was talking about the flower girl dress since her daughter is one. Later I determine FMIL takes it upon herself to make "baby mama" a BM without asking me. Can you say I was HOT! (Fuming from ear to ear) Not to mention, FI thinks this is hysterical and has taken the back seat on this one. So now, bc I am not evil, I have included her into the wedding and FI has added another guy to the groomsmen, but I told my FI he needs to get his mother under control bc this is only the beginning and if its going to be like this, I will no longer play the "nice role". Thanks for letting me vent.

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Re: FMIL a little TOO involved (sorry for all the venting lately)

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    edited December 2011
    Sorry you had to add her. I wouldn't have included her, feelings or no feelings, but thats just me. It's your day dont let others convince you or persuade you to do something you dont want. Good luck with FMIL Im sure she's not done!
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    edited December 2011
    WOW WOW WOW! It's not going to end beacuse you keep letting her have her way for YOUR wedding...I won't be surprised if you post one day that you two have eloped! :-)

    ****Breathe****
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    edited December 2011
    I would have (and you probably still should) tell her that there has been a misunderstanding and that she is not a bridesmaid. Even lie and say you just want her to have a good time and that she has enough on her plate with her daughter being a flower girl.
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    edited December 2011
    I don't think she should be in the wedding. This is your day, you can't let others dictate your day for you. If you let you FMIL get away with this one it will only get worse, and she will do more and more and just expect you to take it. Trust me, I started out being the nice one. Not the way to go. Have your day how you planned it.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_fmil-little-involved-sorry-venting-lately?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:3f8001ec-b8d5-4851-9c31-09b761596e65Post:fa246379-d035-4c22-8e88-d2fd19aa02e5">Re: FMIL a little TOO involved (sorry for all the venting lately)</a>:
    [QUOTE]WOW WOW WOW! It's not going to end beacuse you keep letting her have her way for YOUR wedding...I won't be surprised if you post one day that you two have eloped! :-) ****Breathe****
    Posted by BlissPhilly[/QUOTE]

    Girl, its funny that you mention this, cause I just asked FI, if he just wanted to do justice of the peace, but he was like no because I would regret it later on.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_fmil-little-involved-sorry-venting-lately?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:3f8001ec-b8d5-4851-9c31-09b761596e65Post:b962bf91-ed2e-4ecb-b62b-764d779ad326">Re: FMIL a little TOO involved (sorry for all the venting lately)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry you had to add her. I wouldn't have included her, feelings or no feelings, but thats just me. It's your day dont let others convince you or persuade you to do something you dont want. Good luck with FMIL Im sure she's not done!
    Posted by sweetjess2011[/QUOTE]

    When I initially found out, my intention was to confront FMIL, but instead I wanted my FI's opinion first. He pretty much gave in and was like just put her in (he has a better relationship with "baby mama" than I do, so he didn't see it from my standpoint), and I guess he didn't want the drama. I didn't want to go to FMIL by myself since this is "our" wedding, so I just gave in. I think she knows I am upset about it because I have not been sharing any of the wedding planning with her lately.
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    tyboydtyboyd member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_fmil-little-involved-sorry-venting-lately?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:3f8001ec-b8d5-4851-9c31-09b761596e65Post:ae9f7040-b16c-4520-a293-4ea5bf7f92cf">Re: FMIL a little TOO involved (sorry for all the venting lately)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL a little TOO involved (sorry for all the venting lately) : When I initially found out, my intention was to confront FMIL, but instead I wanted my FI's opinion first. He pretty much gave in and was like just put her in (he has a better relationship with "baby mama" than I do, <font class="Apple-style-span" color="#ff0000"><strong>so he didn't see it from my standpoint</strong></font>), and I guess he didn't want the drama. I didn't want to go to FMIL by myself since this is "our" wedding, so I just gave in. I think she knows I am upset about it because I have not been sharing any of the wedding planning with her lately.
    Posted by egammo3[/QUOTE]

    <div>Girl, get her OUT of your wedding if YOU don't want her there! MAKE FI see it how you see it. Give him an example of if your mom put some guy that he didn't know like that as a groomsmen. Or something. If he still doesn't get it, which he probably won't, you just need to confront "baby mama" and let her know that FMIL brought incorrect information to her and that you'd love for her to be a reader.</div>
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_fmil-little-involved-sorry-venting-lately?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:3f8001ec-b8d5-4851-9c31-09b761596e65Post:ae9f7040-b16c-4520-a293-4ea5bf7f92cf">Re: FMIL a little TOO involved (sorry for all the venting lately)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL a little TOO involved (sorry for all the venting lately) : When I initially found out, my intention was to confront FMIL, but instead I wanted my FI's opinion first. He pretty much gave in and was like just put her in (he has a better relationship with "baby mama" than I do, so he didn't see it from my standpoint), and I guess he didn't want the drama. I didn't want to go to FMIL by myself since this is "our" wedding, so I just gave in.<strong> I think she knows I am upset about it because I have not been sharing any of the wedding planning with her lately.
    </strong>Posted by egammo3[/QUOTE]

    And continue to keep her out of the loop.  This is you and FI wedding!  I agree with pp and just confront baby mama and tell her what YOU and FI want her to do in the wedding.
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    edited December 2011
    Oh goodness gracious!  I 100% agree with all of the previous posts.  You have to put your foot down NOW before all of this gets out of hand.  I think your FMIL knows that you're a nice girl and kind of manipulates that.  Like you said, this is just the beginning and trust that it won't get any better until you put a stop to it.  What she did was rude beyond measure.  I know it's not good etiquette to ask someone to step down after they've already been told that they're a BM, but etiquette be damned on this one.  "Baby mama" might be a little hurt, but hopefully she's understanding if you explain how things went down and you can ask her to be a reader.

    Also, I know your FI thinks everything may not be a big deal, but like Ty said, you have to MAKE him understand where you're coming from and make him deal with this foolishness with his mom.  I'm getting pissed just thinking about what I would do if my own FMIL pulled some stuff like this.  FI would check her in a heartbeat!  
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    edited December 2011
    Girl you betta than me... There is no way that she would be in my wedding. I don't completely know y'alls situation but I would not put her in and hopefully that would make a point to FMIL about whose wedding this really is. You have to make sure you stand your ground and follow your intutions or you will end up with regrets.


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    cincy2011cincy2011 member
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    edited December 2011
    You have already jumped through hoops for FMIL - putting the girl in to carry the picture, then as a reader, now as a BM...I agree with the others that it will not stop unless you make it stop.  No more Miss Nice Guy!  :)

    If you feel like it would rock the boat too much, then keep her in the wedding.  I personally wouldn't, but I'd understand if you felt you needed to do that.  HOWEVER, please please please do not give in anymore on requests from FMIL (or anyone else) that do not align with your vision for the wedding.  The wedding is about you and FI first and foremost, and everyone else needs to get in where they fit in! 

    Good luck girl - stay strong!
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    edited December 2011

    I am just going to stay prayerful and optimistic on this one... I refuse to let FMIL stress me out this early on. Afterall,  I have a year left before the wedding, maybe things will change between myself and "baby mama." On a more positive note, out of all 6 of my BM's she has been the only one so far that has showed interests in my planning (not that I am asking anyone to do so)
    However, I am still not happy about how FMIL went behind my back after I told her specifically that I had all of my BM's picked. I would feel bad taking her out after my FI went and added a groomsmen. But FMIL is hurting herself at this point because I refuse to include her in any of the decision making as I was doing before.
    Might I add, my mother was kind of upset about this too, and suggested I take the high road and let "baby mama" sink herself or swim.

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    edited December 2011
    I can't imagine the gumption of someone inserting another girl in my bridal party. That is insane. I agree with pp but you have to do what makes you feel comfortable. I am so bummed for you.
    If you were coming in the fall I'd brush the summer by...Emily Dickinson imageimageWedding Countdown Ticker
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