African American Weddings

What in the world is really going on???? Sorry so long

Well ladies, after trying to avoid the drama as much as possible, I just can't take it anymore.  I'm really trying to be positive but the closer we get to the wedding, the harder it is getting to deal with MY MOTHER!
 
Here's a little backround info

My mother did not raise me, my dad did.  I've always wanted a relationship with her but because there's no bond/connection,  it as always been difficult.  The wedding was bringing us closer together, so I thought.  My mother has been really acting a fool to say the least.  She's been saying that she was going to do things, and then changing her mind and not letting me know.  For example, she was supposed to order her dress in December for the wedding.  Wait for it... dress still isn't ordered.  I called today to see if she ordered it b/c it takes like 2 months to come back, wait for it... NOPE and she wasn't even gonna tell me either.  Then she says she was gonna order one from Norstroms b/c "she didn't have $300 dollars to pay for a dress she was only goning to wear once. "  WTHeck?!  She oringinally picked the  dress LAST YEAR b/c she said she COULD wear it again.  Her words by the way.  My thing is she has found time to do everything else she wants to do.  Throw and elaborate birthday party in Dec., go to Vegas for New Year's.  I have a year and a half engagement, that's more than enough time to get the things she needs done.  Oh but here's the kicker, she's not going to show me what she's wearing when she does buy it.  She said she's a grown woman and doesn't need my approval to wear clothes to my wedding.  She said, she knows how to act and she's not going to embarrass me with what she's wearing.  Mind you, we've picked out everything else together (For both my and my sister's wedding).  Ugh!

Then she starts going in on me about everything that she has felt over the last year with my sister getting married this past July and now my wedding.  (Mind you my mother has paid for nothing except a hotel room to get to my sister's wedding)  She volunteered to do the rehearsal dinner for us b/c all of my family is coming from out of town, and she offered to pay $700 on the alcohol for the venue.  She complained about it today saying "technically, the groom's family is supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner."  And I'm like huh?!  Lady you offered to do this.  I paid the venue down and left a $700 balance for her.  I'm thinking about just paying the balance.  Fi wants to just relinquish her of everything and just let her be the MOB.  But I know if we do that than I'll hear about it later.  She is driving me nuts!  But I am more hurt by her constant dissappointments and attitude more than ever.  Anytime I bring it up she just tells me "I'm not a traditional mother." At this point, I just wanna elope...

Thanks for letting me vent.  Fighting back the tears...

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Re: What in the world is really going on???? Sorry so long

  • Sending hugs your way girl. Have you talk to her and explained how you feel. Has your mom ever beeen married she really could just be letting jealousy get the best of her so its making her act like that. It sucks when our parents dont live up to our expectations or even their own somethimes 
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  • Awww, sorry your mom hasn't been as supportive as you would like.  It does sound like she keeps going back and forth with her decisions, which can be very disappointing and frustrating.  I think I have to agree with your FI and say relinquish her of any bridal responsibilities if it's going to create unnecessary stress for you.  I hope things get better, your wedding is right around the corner :)
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  • Awww so sorry you have to go through this. I'm experiencing the same thing with my DAD! He's never been there for me and he was showing interest in helping me out for once in my life, but with my past experiences with him I kind of expected him not to follow through and surprise surprise, hasn't helped with a dime.
    I've told him to just forget it and he gets upset that I'm taking away his chances of following through with his "fatherly duties".... ummmm I'm 28, kinda late to be daddy of the year. I ended up just giving him the task of getting my broom (since they don't sell them in Canada) and still NOTHING, no text, no facebook msg, no call... so I throw in the towel. I'm heading across the boarder next weekend with my mom and sis to get it.... ROAD TRIP!!!

    I agree with your FI though. Just take care of things yourself, that way if she disappoints you again, she's not leaving you hanging. But if she comes through, its a bonus. Think positive and let it roll of your shoulder.
    Hope you feel better and everything works out for you (((HUGS)))
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  • Sorry that you're going through this with your MOM... it must be heartbreaking!  The whole thing that it is very disappointing and frustrating but just remember that the biggest thing is you and the FI are getting married. Just pray about it and let GOD guide you, but don't let the tears and madness steal your joy!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-in-the-world-is-really-going-on-sorry-so-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:4419ea49-460f-4b2b-a3f9-775f19bc44ffPost:654face7-d388-449b-b7eb-a656b9fe0bfc">Re: What in the world is really going on???? Sorry so long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry that you're going through this with your MOM... it must be heartbreaking!  The whole thing that it is very disappointing and frustrating but just remember that the biggest thing is you and the FI are getting married. Just pray about it and let GOD guide you, but don't let the tears and madness steal your joy!
    Posted by FutureMzHayden[/QUOTE]

    all of this... (hugs)
  • Shame on your mom... I am very sorry that you have to deal with this drama just a few months before your wedding. However, I agree with your FI. I would just take care of the expenses that your mom initially agreed upon especially if you're able to afford it and aren't confident that your mother will come through. Time waits for no one, and at this point you don't have time to continue to wait on your mother.
    I am sort of going through the same thing with my FMIL who has offered to pay for the videographer and favor boxes and has yet to come up with a penny, and doesn't mention it in conversations to this day. After not hearing any word from FMIL, I took the liberty of securing the videographer myself, and didn't ask FMIL for a darn thing. In the end, she was the one feeling bad and looking like "boo boo the fool" when FI mentioned to her that we paid the videographer and bought the favor boxes , but I felt relieved. I couldn't continue to play around with my FMIL I had to "keep the ball moving." Oh and BTW, my FMIL still has not ordered her dress as well, and at this point I could care less. Sometimes you have to throw your hands up, and say whatever!
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  •  I paid the venue down and left a $700 balance for her.  I'm thinking about just paying the balance.  Fi wants to just relinquish her of everything and just let her be the MOB.  But I know if we do that than I'll hear about it later. She is driving me nuts!  But I am more hurt by her constant dissappointments and attitude more than ever.  Anytime I bring it up she just tells me "I'm not a traditional mother." At this point, I just wanna elope... Thanks for letting me vent.  Fighting back the tears...
    Posted by ejagers[/QUOTE]

    I agree with FI, it is not worth your stress to keep depending on her. Sounds like there is a lot more going on here than just you and your sister's wedding. She may have a problem of over committing and then getting upset when it is time to pay up.

    Pray for her and remember that she can not ruin your day. You got this!!!
    Wedding date July 7, 2012
  • Thanks ladies for being there.  I've cried and talked to my work BFFs and I feel better.  Tonite FI and I will pray and give it to God. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-in-the-world-is-really-going-on-sorry-so-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:4419ea49-460f-4b2b-a3f9-775f19bc44ffPost:654face7-d388-449b-b7eb-a656b9fe0bfc">Re: What in the world is really going on???? Sorry so long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry that you're going through this with your MOM... it must be heartbreaking!  The whole thing that it is very disappointing and frustrating but just remember that the biggest thing is you and the FI are getting married. Just pray about it and let GOD guide you, but don't let the tears and madness steal your joy!
    Posted by FutureMzHayden[/QUOTE]

    ALL of this... (((HUGS)))))... Everything will work out according to HIS plan..
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-in-the-world-is-really-going-on-sorry-so-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:4419ea49-460f-4b2b-a3f9-775f19bc44ffPost:17233059-8559-4477-9875-b9ab3a987bb4">Re: What in the world is really going on???? Sorry so long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks ladies for being there.  I've cried and talked to my work BFFs and I feel better.  Tonite FI and I will pray and give it to God. 
    Posted by ejagers[/QUOTE]

    I hate this is happening to you Date Twin.  We are so close to wedding.  Just give it to God. He will help you make the right decision.  (((HUGS)))
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  • I'm sorry you're going through this; she is a grown woman but she's acting a bit like a child and your FI is right about taking care of any outstanding balances instead of depending on her to come throught. You said it yourself, she hasn't been there for you and now isn't a good time to prove her right about it. If you can afford to, take care of it and leave her out.

    On a side note, some people really do just want you to pick up their mess so you can be the bad guy. I work with somebody just like that who says they want to do something, then they don't follow through and when someone else takes care of it they point and say, oh I was going to do it, but you're taking away my chance to do it. I can't even begin to imagine that sort of BS from a parent but know you're bigger and better than this.

    Take care (almost) date twin! It will work out!
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  • I agree with everyone & FI to just pay the $700.  I wouldnt even say a word about it again.  If she brings it up, just take the money and consider it a wedding present but, dont count on people that cant be counted on.  <<<HUGS>>> Keep the ball rolling and pray. 

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  • I'm so sorry.  Family drama is the worst especially during such a happy time as a wedding.  I pray it gets better for you and I agree with your FI and PPs, I'd just pay the $700 and rid myself of the headache of wondering if your mom is gonna take care it.

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  • I am so sorry you're going through this girl.  But seriously pay down the balance for everything your mom promised and pray about it. My husband went through something similar. His dad didn't show up to the wedding (some very lame excuse) and has not even called to say congratulations. All of his promises just down the drain. Hubby never had much of a relationship with him and was so dissappointed when his dad did not show.At this point, be happy if your mom shows up but don't expect anything more because you'll risk being dissappointed on what should be the happiest day of your life. 
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  • Everything that PP said. I'm sorry that you are going through this but I agree with FI just have her MOB and if you do need her to do something try to make it something small and simple because you don't want her to think that yu don't need her either. That might just another headache. I'll be praying for you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_what-in-the-world-is-really-going-on-sorry-so-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:4419ea49-460f-4b2b-a3f9-775f19bc44ffPost:4db3bb5f-5601-4386-9ea9-339fbd953565">Re: What in the world is really going on???? Sorry so long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Everything that PP said. I'm sorry that you are going through this but I agree with FI just have her MOB and if you do need her to do something try to make it something small and simple because you don't want her to think that yu don't need her either. That might just another headache. I'll be praying for you.
    Posted by brandidt84[/QUOTE]



    All of this. Go ahead and take care of the financial part but maybe include her on something small. (((HUGS))) feel better :)
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  • Thoughts and prayers are with you. At this time, the disappointment is probably even more magnified because it really seemed that she was coming through for you. I agree with PPs that you just pay the balance and if she comes through, great. But if past experience is any indicator, don't hold your breath. Remember this is a joyous occasion for you, FI and your loved ones and don't let this take away from it. 

    Hugs!
  • Oh wow.  Honestly, you need to do whatever you need to in order to make this experience a happy one.  Mom is out of touch with you and doesn't seem to know how to bridge the gap.  I think she is just being her honestly and nothing else.  You know what you have in her.  Don't let the fact that she is your Mom guilt you into allowing her to do things that are making you unhappy.  She can still be your MOB as others have said.



    Love is the ultimate superpower.   
    It can make you weak and strong simultaneously.  



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