Opinions Please: No Kids, No Job, would you be a stay at home wife? (kind of long..)

nbaker1

Being and frican American woman I am curious of the opinions of other African American women when it comes to being a stay a home wife.  If you would have asked me 1 year ago if I would be a stay at home wife, I would have said heck no, I didn't go to school for nothing!  I have a bachelor's degree, and MBA, and I''m currently working on my PhD, but I don't work, nor do I have kids.  My FI is perfectly fine with it.  He  actually prefers it.

 It wasn't exactly planned.  Four months after we met, I moved in with him (we go tired of the long distance relationship, plus I wasn't happy with my job).  I secured new job before I left, but my start date was 2 months away.  In the mean time I moved in, and started making his house our home. As the weeks went by I loved keeping house, taking care of him, and not stressing about work and school.  He loved coming home to a cooked meal, clean house, and an energetic and unstressed girlfriend. A week before I was to start my new job he told me that I didn't have to work if I didn't want to.  It wasn't a hard decision for me to make, i said yes!

The funny thing is that I sometimes feel guilty.  You, know know that thing called the "Women's Movement"  I mother and grandmothers worked so had for us to be able to get a higher education and have a career. 

If given the choice, what would you do, and Why?

tyboyd

It's already optional for me to work. I choose to work part-time. I think life at the house is a bore! But that's just me. If you're okay with staying at home and making sure everything is on point when your man gets home AND he doesn't have a problem with it, then it's fine!

cincy2011

I wouldn't feel guilty - I think whatever works for a particular couple is just fine.  If you're happy and your FI is happy, it's all good!  I think it's a blessing that he is able to maintain your standard of living on one income and allow you to be less stressed and able to focus on taking care of home and school.

I plan to stay home for a few years (minimum) after having kids.  I prefer to work while I don't have kids, but once they're here I would like to be at home with them during their younger years.  I like to volunteer and plan to join local mom meet ups, etc. so I think I'll get enough social interaction. 

KSTURGIS

As long its ok with both of you, I dont see a problem.

I just know that I couldnt do it. I would go stir crazy. With no kids, there is only so much to be cleaned. I'd probably at the least have a part time job or find a charity to get hands on with.

shaq123

I think its great that you do not work. Me and my FI has a five year goal in five year if we have a children I will only work part time if I choice too. being a wife is work.

OFF

I would do it and have no problem with it.  We already plan that when the kids start I will be a stay at home mom.  

QueenFromQueenz

I would love to stay at home (or working my travel agency from home and nothing else)...if you can do it in this economy, that's a blessing.

To combat any guilt, why not volunteer or do something nice for a friend?

nbaker1

Oops, let me clarify.  I'm only asking for opinion, not because it would change whether decided to go back to work or not, but becuase I'm intested in the mindset of African American women.  Especially those that are getting married. Lately, we have gotten alot of attention from mainstream media in regards to marriage and family (aka...low % of AAM that are married).  In addition, I am not bored.  I'm doing research for my PhD, and I volunteer as mentor for entreprenuers.

eagles347

Hmm...very interesting topic. My fi and I plan for me to be a stay at home wife after we have been married for about a year so that I can go back to school full time. After that, hopefully we will have a little one for me to stay at home with, but I definitely plan to return to work. My ambitions won't let me stay at home...I am something like a work-aholic.

berrytr

Interesting question.  As an African American woman with a PhD my accomplishments are a part of my identity.  I worked full time while I was in graduate school and it was a challenge.  There were days I would have preferred not to work to focus on my studies but I was single and unattached at the time so that was not an option.  Be grateful you have the option.  Having that option does not negate all that you are accomplishing.  I think many people, esepcially Black women, want to singularly define Black womanhood.  As a critical race feminist (we can talk about that off-line), I believe there is no singular way to define a strong Black woman.  There is, indeed, strength in the confidence you exhibit in the choice you have made that is best for both you and FI.  Just my thoughts.  I could go on but then I might be on my way to writing yet another journal article. 

prncsz

I don't think I could do it only because I'm used to being in school full time, working full time, and working a part time job. So it would probably drive me insane. If I did though I would probably volunteer or something like that.

diva20rich

Hi there, I am currently a SAHM.  I have been one for 10 years.  BTW, I'm on here because I am planning to do a vow renewal ceremony in 2012(20th anniversary). I became a SAHM because we moved to a new state for my husband job.  I did not plan to stay at home with my 2 boys, but the cost of daycare was overwhelming for a 1 and 2 yr old.  It was cheaper to stay at home. As black women we are used to working.  All my friends worked and I didn't know any SAHM until I moved to Ohio. It then seemed like everyone was at home. It has allowed me to do things that working moms really don't get the opportunity to do or do as much.  I get to volunteer at my kids schools. If they are sick I don't have to take time off from work or lose pay.  I have been on both sides working mother and stay at home. It's definitely a choice and one is not better than the other. I definitely make time for me and am involved in church and other civic organizations.  I like to say for myself, as a stay at home mom, I'm really never at home.

mahoganieyes

I've been working since I was 13 and I'm 2* and all honesty I will never stop. I love working but not at my current job! I enjoy the interaction with people, learning new things and being more open to changing personalities. I currently don't have any kids and even then, I would still like to work just for my personal reasons.

YasJas2011

I kind of feel you on the subject. I am currently not working but working on my PhD and don't have any kids. My FH wants me to be a stay at home wife, But I refuse. I feel that I have not been going to school to not work in the field that I have been preparing for. Maybe I would considering it if I had kids, but since I don't at the moment it is out. Unless I just can't find a job after graduation. I also figure that we need all of the income that we can get in the next critical few years!

I guess I should ask if you are talking about not working now while doing your PhD or after you finish your degree?

MrClintonsFirstLady09

You lucky woman you lol. If I had the option to do that I would jump at the chance and not feel a bit of guilt.

with that being sad, don't feel bad about what seems to be a mutual and comfortable decision made between you and your man. Enjoy it and keep him happy.

TINAMM

I like and dislike this topic, I am a PROUD Stay at home wife and mom of 4 and have been for the past 14 years, many of you know my Dh and I are planning our vow renewal. My Dh has always made it clear to me that working was MY choice and if I didn't want to I didn't have to. It annoys me when people assume that because I am a stay at home mom except other saty at home moms that I have no identity, that I am bored, that my life is not fulfilling, well it is! I have a college degree, I have worked on and off when or if I wanted too and those things never "defined" me. I didn't need to go to college to "find" my identity I have always known who I was and want I wanted out of life. I cherish EVERY moment with my Husband and children. I am a military wife so my DH may be gone anywehere from a week to a year and I am fortunate that financially I don't have to work but working or going to school doesn't define you, you have to know yourself and only life experience can help you with that. If you want to stay at home atay at home, if you want to work, work but dont feel guilty and dont let those things define you as a person. I am at my childerns school at least 3 days a week volunteering or mentoring and not because Im bored but I know that I can make a differnce in a childs life that may not have a person in their lives in which they can turn to. My kids never have to worry about if mommy can come to their class party, or is mommy going to be able to come to reading under the stars night, or is mommy going to come and have lunch with me. My kids will never have to worry about those things because I am there. I go to EVERYTHING! and am happy too. I don't have a career and I'm not working on some degree that I may never use, (please ladies no offense to those working on there degree's I know how hard it is) its  just an example. My Dh nevers has a problem when I have to leave town for a week to work on a photo shoot or work on a project, and I only take those jobs during the summer when my kids are out of school and I don't have to miss anything. Understand that staying home is not for everyone it takes a STRONG woman to do what stay at home mom and wives do on a daily basis, I do not feel like I have sacraficed or compromised what I want for my life and future to stay at home and ladies that don't, don't assume anything about those who do until you have walked a mile on the peanut butter and jelly splatter shoes that occures sometimes.  I have nothing but the utmost respect for you ladies still in school working on your degress becasue I know if I had to do more than 4 years somebody would not have made it out alive! lol!

cincy2011

OP, thanks for bringing up this topic - the responses are very interesting. 

nubiannqween

I don’t post too often here, but I couldn’t resist this topic! J  My FI and I don’t have kids together yet, so if I were to be a housewife, it would be just me at home all day. I also have a BBA and I’m debating on if I want to get an MBA or a different Masters level degree. I’ve always wanted a successful career, but every now and then I feel that pull to just be a wife. 

On one hand, I would love to be at home, relaxing, taking care of everything and just keeping house. But on the other hand, I feel deep down that wouldn’t ever want to be in a situation where my husband could tell me what I could or could not spend, or have an allowance given to me….and it’s just security for me knowing I can contribute and that I have my own money. Even if I didn’t have to work, I would probably have my own business or even a part time job.  

In my personal opinion, if you want to be a housewife and enjoy being at home, go for it and don’t worry about what anyone things! J If you’re not 100% comfortable with staying at home, I’d say get at least a part time job.

MAGNUM06

Hello NBaker....Based upon your question... or proposal... It's a blessing that you are able to stay at home in this economic season... As I have told a many of my girlfriends... as long as your numbers line up...and the couple is in AGREEMENT..(budget, household expectations, etc). There should be no issues.... I believe those that want to and CAN stay at home so to speak... should... being mindful that everyone that wants to... CAN'T for a variety of reasons... Most stay at home mothers/parents... WORK... as much, if not more in some cases than those that work outside of the home.....  I have to go old-skool for a minute... in the words of my mother who was married.. 40 years to my father... If you DO NOT have a job... in the traditional sense (outside of the home) and you are staying at home... if you are doing all that is expected, required, and necessary in that home and with your family... You really dont have time to be bored....(I know you're not...you said that :-) ) With that said...there are pros and cons to every decision and choice we make... We just gotta be ready to move and shake... bend and not break.... I personally dont think staying at home would be the life choice for me, but I think its a great option for those that can.... Based upon what you said in your post.. If you are working on your research for your advanced degree... and volunteering within your community and all that is required on those fronts..... Are you really "staying" at home???  I would venture to say... that you are "working"....without MONETARY compensation, per se'.... Whose to say that the benefits of your situation, at this season in your life... arent even greater...... I say.... for everybody..... Do You!!!!   Be continually blessed in ALL that you do!!!!