African American Weddings

BM Problems

Ladies,

I have been thinking about this for awhile but looking for some input.  Last night FI and I had a tiff about my bridesmaids, or lack thereof.  I don't really have any close female friends that I could ask to be BM's.  I also really wanted my sister to be my MOH.  However, she is not really that interested in hearing me talk about my wedding right now and I don't feel comfortable asking her.  FI has like 4 GM's already and has already secured his best man.  I feel like he's pressuring me to have BM's when really, I just can't imagine asking people to do it for appearances.  I think being a BM is for those women who are close to you and I just don't have anyone in my life like that.  I told FI that he can have his GM's, and I am fine being up there by myself.  He just will not let it go. 

I think this is upsetting me more because it's making me realize that I don't have friends but it's been this way for most of my life.  I have a lot of associates, but no real friends.  I'm not sure what direction to go at this point.  Any suggestions?
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Re: BM Problems

  • nicknuttncnicknuttnc member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I am sorry to hear he is pressuring you about it. I do not think you have to be up there by yourself. You stated you would ask your sister eventually. That is one person right there. Most of my BM are family (sister,cousin,and daughters). I have just two friends as BM. I think there is nothing wrong with not fooling with a lot of friends. If you really want BM then maybe you should think about a cousin or family member.

    Remember you always have us and that means you have a close circle of love around you at all times.

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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with the previous poster.  Also, have you considered maybe having FI's family as bridesmaids. Does he have any sisters?  I completely understand you not wanting any random people up their standing next to you while you get married. Hope you two are able to work it out.
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  • edited December 2011
    We are in the opposite boat, but I'm not pressuring FI.

    I refuse to have people standing in my wedding for appearances. I don't have any female friends, but fortunately I have sisters - and I can't imagine getting married without them standing by my side. Although my sisters are really excited, one thing I've learned is that people don't have to be excited for you. That's okay. I don't even think my FI is excited, to be honest. LOL. He just wants to be married and couldn't care less about the wedding part. Even if your sister doesn't seem to be as excited as you think she should be, you should still ask her if you two have a decent relationship and you truly want her to stand with you. She doesn't have to be involved in the planning part (that's what you have US for! Laughing)

    I will have my 4 sisters and 2 first cousins standing with me. He will have his 2 brothers for sure, and other than that, he can't think of anyone else. He has a million first cousins, but he is really disinterested in having them participate, so I'm just like whateverdude... lol

    Whatever you do, don't give in to FI's pressure to put people in there just to make it even or so it "looks right." The only thing that HAS TO HAPPEN, I'm learning, is that you two have to take vows, an officiant has to officiate, and the marriage license has to be signed. Everything else is optional.
  • MrsSmith2Be02MrsSmith2Be02 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry about that! We are having the same issue, but in reverse. Not pressuring, per se, but he wants me to cut people out of my BM more so because he doesnt like them. ::grrrr::  Not happening AND because he doesn't have any close friends so he wants to cut it down to 4 and 4 when we had agreed on 6...and I really have 7.

    It will work it self out. I'm just praying about it continuously. LOL
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  • edited December 2011
    Ladies thank you thank you for the advice.  =)
    I definitely plan on asking my sister to stand with me, I really would love for her to and just couldn't imagine her not being there.  Our relationship isn't bad at all, but I am praying for the right time to ask.  I know I have a little bit of time to do so.  I plan on talking with FI again about this (now that I am calmer, lol) because I want this to work out for us both. 
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  • edited December 2011
    FI wants to have a best man and 2 additional groomsmen. I only want it to be a best man and MOH standing up there with us (I really only wanted the two of us but I'll comprimise for 1 person each). I suggested having his 2 additional cousins be "escorts" instead of groomsmen. They could escort the grandmothers in. I have close female relatives but after all of the BM horror stories and drama I hear I'd just rather not deal with that. I've already caught some drama from the 2 cousins I had planned on asking so that was the deciding factor for me. I don't understand why anyone else needs to stand up there with me besides my fiance/husband.

    Is there some other role his "groomsmen" can play in your wedding? So that he still feels they are apart of it.
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  • msktn95msktn95 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I refuse to have people standing in my wedding for appearances:

    This is my FI's sister.  She only wants to be in the wedding for show. She does not even communicate with me.  This is my FI's second marriage.  He did not have a wedding the first time. She is best buddies with his exwife, so why does she want to be in my wedding.  I only wanted my sister and three friends, he wanted to add all of his cousins and best friends and then he wanted me to add his sister, because she was crying (seriously) she was crying because she was not in the wedding.  We now have six girls and eight guys.  I refused to add more people. 

    Please do not let FI pressure you.  This is an important day for you. You should let the people you love the most stand up with you.  Please don't settle. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Girl you have a whole year.  Trust me I WISH I had waited to pick my bridal party.  It would be so different. You have time.  At least another 6 months before you need to pick. 

    I would encourage you to pray for God to bring friends into your life.  Trust me He will.  God's choice for us it always the best choice. I know because I recently moved and God has really brought people into my life that are going in the same direction that I am.  Married Godly women who are "grown and act like it".  None of that gossipy back biting crap that I was use to.  I tell you when I get together with my "old friends" I am just in awe of where I use to be.  I thank God that I am growing and moving forward!  HTH
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  • MsAmeera25MsAmeera25 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_bm-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:a3c33c38-57c6-4bbb-8b6d-7a8f2752d355Post:3e4a9188-35fc-49cc-b0bd-9da1fd737c05">Re: BM Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Girl you have a whole year.  Trust me<strong> I WISH I had waited to pick my bridal party.  It would be so different. You have time.</strong>  At least another 6 months before you need to pick.  I would encourage you to pray for God to bring friends into your life.  Trust me He will.  God's choice for us it always the best choice. I know because I recently moved and God has really brought people into my life that are going in the same direction that I am.  Married Godly women who are "grown and act like it".  None of that gossipy back biting crap that I was use to.  I tell you when I get together with my "old friends" I am just in awe of where I use to be.  I thank God that I am growing and moving forward!  HTH
    Posted by djscat[/QUOTE]


    AMEN to this please don't pick anyone. I wish I found the knot before I picked my party if so I would have seriously waited until 4 months prior.

     

  • edited December 2011
    I agree with everyone saying wait until you are 6 months before the wedding. 1 girl I initially asked too early moved out of the country.

    You would be surprised how many ladies you aren't that close too will want to be in your wedding for the attention. Pray about it and I'm sure everything will work out. Also, it is not mandatory to have an even WP.
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