The Dilemna- this is a little long

ItsComplicated

My mother wants me to have a second wedding ceremony in Nigeria. I do not want to, I prefer to incorporate elements of my culture- like spraying the bride! My FI and I were both born and raised in America. He has southern roots and I was raised by Nigerian immigrants. We want to incorporate elements of both cultures in one ceremony here in America. My mother wants me to have the "real" ceremony in Nigeria before that event I plan to do next year.  She is devastated by my decision and she fears my family in Nigeria will label me a "husband chasing street person". Does anyone know anyone who has been through this? I am totally clueless about how to handle this.

BTW - i have search the boards and havent see anyone with issue. Most brides seem to be happy to have both ceremonies. I am a super independent woman and my FI loves this about me. The thought of him paying dowry makes me cringe ten ways until sunday. Also its a recession and money we spending Ngeria is less to spend on the wedding I actually want. i am so worried about embarrassing my family with this question that i created a new handle just to post the question.

M1ssJ

It's so difficult to balance tradition and your desires. Would your mother pay for the Nigerian wedding?

ItsComplicated

She offered to help pay for it but frankly she cant afford it. She wants to take a second job and a second mortgage.

mikimoto6

That is a tough one.  I know you don't want to disappoint your mom, but if you feel strongly about this then I say stand your ground. If your mom really cannot afford to host the Nigerian wedding, let her know that there is no need to create additional debt just to finance a party. 

TNMurray

There are plenty of ladies on this board who have had muliple ceremonies here in the states. I do know that there was one bride from July that had her wedding in her home country before her wedding here. Maybe asking the African brides what they did might help and present this to your mother. Maybe even have her plan the traditional ceremony could be a comprimise. 

Carla1019

I can understand your concerns. It is a burden to spend extra money on a second ceremony when you really don't want one. My FI is Nigerian and I was willing to have the traditional wedding but he was against it. We will encompass all the traditions into one ceremony.

Since it seems very important to your mom to honor her traditions, can you compromise and have the African wedding on your one year anniversary? This will give her and you time to save money and have a great 1 year celebration.

hatroopes

My FI and I are both Nigerian, so I understand your dilemna and I say - do what makes you happy. Your mom may be upset initially, but eventually it will all die down and she will come around. It's not worth going into debt, just so she can "save face" with folks back home - folks who don't matter at all at the end of the day. My parents initially wanted us to have our traditional ceremony back home, but FI and I weren't down for that and they understood. We will be having two ceremonies here - a very small traditional ceremony and then the big "white" wedding. Most people decide to go this route and everyone is fine with it.

I was also against the whole "dowry" tradition, but decided to let it go because I knew it was very important to my parents that FI and his family honor this time old tradition. It was just very awkward for FI and I.

Good luck and I hope it all works out!