African American Weddings

Unsupportive Bridesmaids

Hey Ladies-
I know I' just joined AAW this week but, I have been having an emotional day and I need to vent and to get some advice.  Oddly, I feel more comfortable with sharing with you instead of anyone else.  I don't want to seem like I'm being a drama queen to my family and FI, but my heart is heavy today.  The fact of the matter is I have 3 MOHs and 6 BMs (9 total) and ALL of them are unsupportive.  My wedding is 4mos away and I have not received a call, text, email, etc from any of them asking if I needed any help with anything.  As the date is approaching, I am stressing about almost everything.  But, what bothers me the most is that I have any help or support from the people that I thought we my closest family, friends, and line sisters.  I am the only girl in my family, so I have also had a lot of female friends (hence 9 in bridal party).  If I could go back in time, I would have not had any MOHs or BMs if I knew this would be the outcome. None of them are married and I just hope when their time comes, they will have better luck than me on having a supportive bridal party.  Sorry for the lengthy post but I had to release this off my heavy heart....

Re: Unsupportive Bridesmaids

  • TNMurrayTNMurray member
    edited December 2011
    Have you asked for help? Many people who have never been through this process don't know what it is like. I told my bridal party what my expectation of them were from the start. No one is as excited about the wedding as much as you are, just remember that. If you ask and they are uninterested or are too busy that is one thing but you can't expect them to know what you are going through because that is another. take a deep breath and hopefully you picked MOH that you can have a heart to heart with and express your feelings.
  • sthomas27sthomas27 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We did go over what the expectations were before they accepted being in the party.  I have expressed my stress to all of them but, still nobody has stepped up to the plate.  I have not came right out and asked for help.  I guess I assumed that they should recognize when I'm stressing since we have been close for years.  I will take you advice and have a heart to heart and ask for help and see how it goes from there.  Thanks for the advice
  • csuperstar02csuperstar02 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Tnmurray gave some good advice - no one is as excited as you are for your wedding. Give them the option/ask if they're willing to help you out. Some may be interested, some may not. Although it would be nice, BMs and/or MOHs don't have real job requirements beyond the standing up for you at the wedding. But hopefully, out of 9 folks, you'll have some who end up wanting to help out! Good luck!

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  • edited December 2011
    I understand where you are coming from. My bridesmaids didnt know that i needed help until i said something to them. If you ask them it might change. Also see if FI can help with some of it. Weddings can make or break relationships i have learned. Dont stress sister. Create a list and try to set due dates for it. Believe me if you keep stressing your hair will fall out. I am now trying to grow a small patch back which thank gawd no one can see except me and my poor hairdresser.
  • sthomas27sthomas27 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Ladies! I feel a lot better from your support and words of wisdom.  I am going to set up a lunch next weekend with them, so we can discuss everything.  Thanks again, I'm glad I shared my concerns.  Be Blessed!
  • brittanyl8605brittanyl8605 member
    edited December 2011
    I have 9 BMs and know exactly how you feel. I have four months to go as well. I just thank God everyday that it's almost over & you should do the same. Although it would be a nice gesture to offer help, the fact is If people don't want good realize you need help they probably won't do too good of a job so in the end you may be better off doing it yourself to make sure it's perfect for your big day! Hang in there, you're not alone!
  • edited December 2011

    ((e-hug)) I'm sorry you are stressing and I think we all understand your frustration. However, MOH and BMs are not required to help you plan and execute your wedding. Their duties are really limited to the day of the wedding.It's okay to ask for help, but understand that they may not be able to give you all of the help you need. Have you considered hiring a coordinator to help you? I hired someone to help me with planning certain aspects of my wedding and it's relieved my stress significantly and saved my relationships with my friends as well.

  • edited December 2011
    I so know how this is. I have the same issue with my MOH and my cousin that is a BM has not been supportive at all. At this point, I just want everything to be over with at this point. :-( Sorry, I don't have much advice.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry to hear this and like pp maybe you can hire a coordinator to help take some of the stress away and I too am learning that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. I have 5 BMs and 1 MOH and for the most part they've been supportive but I have 7 more months to go so we'll see. I've been in two of my BMs wedding and went well over and beyond the duties of a BM and they didn't have to ask so needless to say I really do expect the same in return.

    I hope things work out and hopefully it will get better!
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  • edited December 2011

    I know exactly how you feel. But I agree with pp....your BMs & MOHs won't know exactly what you go through especially if they are not married and aren't familiar with the process of wedding planning. Although you would assume that at least 1 person would ask what you may need help with, that's not always the case. Either be specific with what you need help with or do it yourself and just count on your girls having their stuff ready to go by the wedding.'ll get better. Good luck!

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  • edited December 2011
    OH wow yes girl I agree with the other ladies. You MUST MUST MUST ask for it. Although some people may insist on helping some may not. No pun intended and that's okay. Girl don't be affraid to provide them with lists of to-do's. On your visits to vendors send out an email asking who is available to run with you. Also on fitting as well. When you have to do your favors, call on them. Ask Ask Ask away!!!
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  • edited December 2011
    sorry to hear of the BM problems...I have girls who want to help but everyone lives so far so I am limited on what they can do...

    as for me, something that helped is for my girls I send out emails every now in then to the ladies in a group...I have 9 BMs...keeping them updated on what I need, want or things I might need to find...

    they then volunteer because they feel like I am keeping them in the loop on things taking place. I explain to them in an email my ideals for the the colors, the theme, how I wanted things to look.  I attached pictures giving examples...explain to them the DIY projects I would have to do, so when time comes they should expect calls for preparing things like favors and invitations and doing research, they are a part of that. I even take suggestion from them so they feel like they are doing more than just showing up in a not all of them are active..but about 3 are not so productive, they think it is okay to just show up in a dress..but long as they show up in the right dress...we are okay

    also for women who have never been bridemaids they might not know what to when my sister got married me and my other sister were not sure of our duties so we brought a book and checked out several from the library......

    the everything Bridesmaid Book, The Bridesmaid Guide: Etiquette, Parties and Being Fabulous and there is also The Bridesmaid's Guerilla Handbook...

    even in the end...sometimes I felt like I didn't do enough as a BM from calming her down when my mom would stress her as she tried to add people to the guest list...

    (maybe you could have brought your girls books as pre-wedding gifts)

    just talk to your BMs and talk to them often about WR things you need done..... maybe they will be more responsive... good luck
  • tmh976tmh976 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OMG!  I thought it was just me who was in the situation.  It is good to hear that I am not alone.  God has blessed me thought with a wounderful soon to be mother in law who is like my free wedding planner and she is really doing everything for me.  I want to kick my MOH out and put my mother in law  My bridal party isn't married either, so hopefully they do not go through the same thing.  I did get some good advice, give them a project to do and tell them when you want it done by.  See if that helps...I myself have not done it yet  :)...but maybe it will work.

    Good luck!
  • sthomas27sthomas27 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I tell you this AAW group is full of fabulous brides with fabulous ideas!  Update:  I have spoken with a few of them and expressed my concerns and most importantly, asked for their help.  Next week, we are going to have taco Tuesday and I will provide each of them task that I need help with.  Some said they thought I had it all together and did not need them.  Your comments were right on point.  I'm glad I took the advice because things are looking a lot better!  4mths and 4 days to go!!!!
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