Washington-Seattle
Options

VENTING TIME! Long...

So I've tried not to vent anything cause I've vented a bit on here and didn't want to sound whiney or biitchy or anything. But things have been building up and now I'm like a volcano.
First, MOH (sis) and a BM (cuz) are getting into a fighting match, or biitching match about my wedding shower and bach. party..... TO ME! I told them to knock it the hell off, I'm not supposed to be dealing w/ it! My BM is super excited to throw a shower while my MOH has done nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. So my BM has taken it upon herself to completely plan a shower. W/out consulting my MOH. I don't know if she's technically in the wrong because she just wants me to have a great time, but now my MOH is pissed, and pushing in on the party. All the while my mom is throwing another one for the older crowd, and has no one to plan it w/ since my MOH doesn't want to plan that one. GRRR! I finally told MOH to step up and say something, don't come crying to me. Basically, I know she wouldn't plan one anyways if my BM hadn't given her a kick in the a$$ like this. She's super lazy.
Second, my FFIL told us when we got engaged that he would ask a family friend to be our photog. Great. He was picking up the tab, great! Then I found out that we're only getting the getting ready, ceremony, and formals done. That's it. And we're just getting the CD. No pictures printed. ???????? Am I overreacting here? When I wanted a photog, I wanted one for the WHOLE DAY! But FFIL is already biitching about price when he only has to pay for that and the RD! My FI asked him if he'd like to switch spots w/ my parents, I thought that was amusing. So now my BM, same one as above, who is a photog, is going to be photographing the reception part. It pisses me off though that I now have to coreograph (sp?) everything w/ my BM, and take her away from a carefree, thanks for being my BM party night! I wanted a professional all night. FFIL said, 'Well I figured once the reception started and since *photog's name's* family is already there, then he would become a guest.' If I had wanted my photog as a guest, I would have said so. This is something I'm still burning about, but I'm just gonna have to bite my tongue.
Then my FMIL, who is an artist, and one of her artist friends is making our votives, told another artist friend of hers that she could make the tea lights for our candles. They are soy and better for you, whatever. I asked FI if she was picking up the tab on that since soy is a bit more expensive than regular tea lights, and sorry, but I don't give a flying %&@& about regular ones being bad for you! It's one night! He didn't know. I'm not paying for them. Plus come to find out that the ones her friend makes don't come in that metal container thing, they'll just melt all over the votives, uh NO! I'm planning on auctioning off some of the votives at wedding showers and giving some to my BM's since they're one of a kind. I don't feel like scrubbin em out! Again, grrr! Supposedly the candles are supposed to burn up completely..... my frickn a$$!
And last but not least, my mother is questioning my every move, decision, what not, defending my MOH for not doing anything. I almost can't wait till this is over and don't have to deal w/ any of this anymore! I just feel like I've been let down by multiple people, and I'm still 7 months away! What gives!
Thanks for listening ladies! I have only you and FI, and my dad,  to gripe to that actually understands the situation for what it is. Phew, weight off my chest!
Married 7/17/2010 Photobucket PersonalMilestone

Re: VENTING TIME! Long...

  • Options
    edited December 2011

    Realized I didn't explain main reason I'm irritated about those candles, FMIL mentioned in passing that her friend wanted to do them. I said maybe. She went ahead and told her friend yes. I do not like that about people! I say what I mean and mean what I say! Okay, done.

    Married 7/17/2010 Photobucket PersonalMilestone
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry to hear about all the drama! Options about the family photographer would be to pay for the other times you wanted him to be shooting. Unfortunately, when people help pay for weddings they also think they are entitled to give their optinions. We are paying for almost the whole wedding ourselves (except for the rehearsal dinner) and that means that no one can tell us what to do and expect you to do it. I don't know if you talk about the wedding a lot but maybe just try bringing it up less often or being vague, that is unless you are expecting a check form them. :)
    Good luck! Think positively, at least you are getting some financial support for your wedding.
  • Options
    alyssa324alyssa324 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    wow! sounds like too much drama for a bride to be to be going though. I say give them all the finger! HEHE Well maybe not but at least remind them all that this is your wedding. Can you talk to your photographer yourself and see if you can work out a deal for the remainder of the reception. Instead of your FFIL always talking to him. Maybe you could even do some bartering like FI could help him build that new deck he wanted or something along those lines. With your sister remind her some HUGE favor you did for her way back when and tell her you will do the same when she gets married. With you FMIL I have no advice I do not get along with mine either so I say tell her to eat shiznit and join my dislike my FMIL club LOL
  • Options
    jennuinnejennuinne member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry your so stressed out.  I don't really have good advice.  I agree with Trisha.  I realized early on that letting others help would only cause me to a crazy, bitchy bridezilla b/c they all have opinions and want to do everything their way, which is so not my way.  So, I decided to just do it myself and if they want to contribute money, that's fine.

    On the photog, I'll say that I think a lot of people skip reception photos for money, but if its important to you, either hire someone else, or as in pp, pay for the extra time yourself. 

    And your MOH and mom and BM need to work this out...its not your problem. 

    Hope it gets better and then you have a great honeymoon and no more stress!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Deeeeeep breath...  Stay calm.  Oxygen helps.  So sorry about the BS the MOH is putting you through.  Technically, if the BM went ahead and started planning without consulting the MOH, yes she is doing a little overstepping, however, if she tried to contact the MOH and got no response, then tell your MOH to step up or step back.

    As for pictures, I agree with PP to look into covering the cost of having the photog for the reception.  Personally, I wouldn't want to pull a BM out of the party to do work, especially since she'll have spent money for her dress, events, etc. And many photogs don't offer prints in their packages since so many are digital these days.  Honestly, if mine didn't include them and they ran a bit less, I would've totally taken that because I know I can get good quality prints at a specialty print shop for less than going through the photog.  Think of it as FFIL covering part of the cost of photog.  Every little bit helps. 

    Regarding the soy candles, FWIW, typically, they don't come in the metal cups, but the soy ones usually do come in a clear plastic cup instead.  I would ask if they're contained in something.  I have yet to get to the bottom of a soy candle, but I have also heard they do burn almost entriely up.  Also, soy candles are known to actually burn slower so they last longer.  Food for thought. 

    As for your mom, I don't think I have much advice to offer than to (depending on your relationship with her) not talk with her much, especially about the wedding.  If you really want to, turn on the waterworks and get all your hurt and frustration out in front of her (and possibly your MOH). That might make them reconsider how they're acting.
    image
    Family fall photo session with Ashley Hoyle Photography
    Married 7/10/10
    Wedding Planning Bio - Updated 6/13/2010
    Anniversary
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    OY!!  Sorry you are having so much drama revolving around your special day!

    For the photog - I would agree with previous posts and talk to the photog directly to see if you can work something out for reception pictures.  If not - maybe telling your FFIL that if wants this person to be a GUEST then they can be just that and you'll find your own photog.  I would rather pay for it myself and get what I want than make someone else happy because they want to pay for it.  OR do you have another family friend (besides your BM) who takes decent pictures?  My FSIL didn't have a lot in her budget for photog and she didn't have one for her reception but she wanted lots of pictures of it, so I took pictures all day long (Close to 400 acutally) and she ended up using a lot of the pictures I took.  You could just let them know of the situation you're having with FFIL and I'm sure they would be willing to help out. 

    I hope things get better for you soon!
    Amanda & Joel
    10.10.10
    Planning bio: updated 05.11.10
    image
    326 were asked to dance image
    120 will boogie the night away image 110 have two left feet image 96 are couch potatoes image
    RSVP Date: Sept 10, 2010
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    So sorry! I totally understand what you mean when you say you can only talk to a few people about your true feelings! Just remember you're not alone! About a month ago I told FI that having a wedding was a mistake and we should've eloped! Not what either of us wanted but much easier than dealing with other people's baggage related to the wedding!

    I used to be a wedding photog's assistant when I was in high school, and the reception pics are mostly over after the eating, first dances, toasts, cake cutting, and bouquet/boutenierre toss. So your BM rocks, and don't worry about her being tied down all night!

    I've developed a relaxation method recently where I just closed my eyes and picture myself the day of the wedding, in my dress, and getting ready to walk down the eisle to Paul. (This works really well! Try it sometime!)

    Best of luck and please vent any time you need to! Stress can be a b**ch on your body!
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Ditto PPs - try talking to the photog yourself. Your FFIL is just stupid, "I'd assume he'd be a guest." Yeah, well, assuming makes you an assss. :P  So he didn't even think you'd want photos of cake cutting, etc? I would ask the photog about taking those photos as least, if not the candids of dancing, guests etc, but the formal events part. I would look into getting another photographer to cover the reception so your BM can just have fun. I'm assuming cost is going to be an issue for you, so you could look at hiring a photo student from UW or one of the community colleges to go for all the candids people like to have from the reception.
    Daisypath Vacation tickers
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the advice girls! Venting made me sleep much better last night! I meet w/ the photog this Sat, and I 'm gonna talk w/ hiim. See what some of the other prices are. And as for my girls, I am just going to have to do as SaraAnn said and picture myself in my dress, walking down the aisle...Tongue out Thanks Tygirl for the info on the soy candles. I know it may turn out to be totally fine and they do burn up, I just want clear communtication w/ my FMIL. She can be a bit of a knee jerk reaction person. Thanks again ladies, you made me feel like I wasn't a bridezilla!!
    Married 7/17/2010 Photobucket PersonalMilestone
  • Options
    edited December 2011

    if your moh isn't doing anything, the bm is right to step in. she is thinking about you. thats what matters here. your sister needs to stop being a buttt.


    i agree with pp that people think that when they give you money, they have a say. i also agree with pp that any financial help is wonderful. i would talk to the photog yourself. i defiantely wouldn't let all communication be between FFIL and the photog, you need some say, its your wedding. Also, I think that as long as your photog gets all the tosses and cutting the cake and speeches, people only get drunker and sweatier at the reception. If anything, ask him to do an extra hour and you can pay. If it is important, i definately think you need to get it solved so it doesn't irritated you anymore.

    soy candles seem silly to me. people get married all the time with regular candles and they last.

    at the end of the day, it is your wedding. do what you want.

    oh yeah- photogs nowadays give you the cd so you can do whatever you'd like with them. just fyi. that is a great deal imo!

    BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker we're having twins!
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    oh yeah.. i wanted to mention that FFIL doesn't have to help you guys financially, it is a gift and a very generous gift at that.. i would encourage FI to not say stuff like that comment he made about switching places with your parents because he could decide to not pay for the RD or the photog.. i just kinda think that is unappreciative and i'm sure you guys are very happy that he is willing to pay for anything. just my 2 cents.
    BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker we're having twins!
  • Options
    carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Following on Sara's post above about ppl paying for stuff.  When ppl pay for your wedding, they DO get a say.  If you don't want them involved in decision-making, then don't have them pay.  If they give you money without strings, count yourself as lucky, but it's by no means required.

    Same goes if they give you stuff.  If you accept a gift of someone giving you handmade candles, they get to decide what candles.  If you want different candles, politely decline, and get whatever you want.

    As for the shower, anyone can throw you one.  If your MOH can't/doesn't want to, then someone else - a BM, a family member, a friend - can step in and do it.  Similarly, no one is REQUIRED to throw you a shower or b-party.  If they do, it's a kind and generous gift, but not something you can expect of anyone.  

    Just make sure you're really supportive of your BM and ask her to involve your MOH in planning now that she's on board (i.e. give her specific duties that can be easily accomplished), then thank your MOH for deciding she'd like to help, and put her in touch with the BM.  I wouldn't cut the MOH out just b/c it took her a little while to get on board.  Not everyone will think that they need to start planning a shower 6 months before the wedding.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards