Why do I have such MiSERABLE sister-in-law?!?!?!?!

Bhanu&Anuj

I need some advice on how to deal with her.  She's poking her way into activities that she hasn't been given.  This isn't the first time she's started to 'control' things.  But her true colours and character are becoming more apparent.

Anywhoo...
I want to avoid talking bad about her to my FI (which I've already done *shame on me*) but he sees it too and is also a little shocked by her behaviour.

I want to be the bigger person in the situation.  I want to be neutral and not overly friendly because I don't think we can be friends from the get go (based on how she's behaving)

Any advice on how to get through this.

Thanks girlies!

jnsaini

I will be honest and straightforward on this,I think best is to sit her down and very calmly (no loud voice at all) speak with her and try to be listen more than talk (works best I have seen that) and see why she is the way she is and maybe having control makes her feel like she is more wanted in the wedding things. Give her more attention and maybe she wont control things as much!
Its great you are taking the step to figure whats wrong, takes courage.G'luck

Hinaj

Bhanu&Anuj,

Can you give instances of what she has done? 

Bhanu&Anuj

Thanks jnsaini!

Okay so maybe I should've explained the situation better. She doesn't do the 'controlling' things infront of my face...she does it behind my back. Like one of the MCs is her husband...and she is controlling the whole thing saying that the MCs need to meet at her house. Further to that, an email was written by her husband to the MCs saying that my SIL would be helping with the planning on their side - sorry but is that normal?

Another quick example of when she tried to 'control' things. FI were going on a trip, and after a talk that my future parent laws had with her and my FI's brother...they didnt want us going b/c we were married yet...

Another thing she did (not so much controlling ...just annoyingg) at a family party held in my and my FIs honour, she was telling my family friends that I have to be treat her well and be careful around her b/c she has a bad temper...again is this normal? Do all SILs behave this way?

Sorry this is the first time i've had to deal with a SIL...? I new to this and I never thought I would one day say "My sister in law is ...etc" -> never thought it would happen to me LOL

Hinaj

Hi Bhanu&Anuj,

This is definitely a wierd situation to be.  I guess she wants to "Control" things because its her brother's wedding, but the situation with the MC should be left to you.  Why would they meet at your SIL's house....?  Is the event being held there or something?  Last minute details that her husband is handling? 

I don't know if my thinking is more Americanized than desi, but she has no right to dictate any trips you and FI take.  You guys are adults and getting married...I don't see what's the big deal is. 

For the third one, I really hope she was just making a bad joke, and nothing more. 

As I see it, either she is trying to be helpful and take one some of the planning herself because it is her brother's wedding and she just wants the best.  Or she is controlling.  I would ignore the last two instances because in about a month or so they won't matter, since you will be married and I don't see what she is going to try controlling after that.  But stuff related to the wedding has to be controlled by YOU unless you ask her for help.  Getting two different directions from two different people is just going to confuse people and end up in disaster.  So you should talk to her about this like Nicky said and if she really just want to be part of the wedding, maybe you can get her more involved or something. 


Hope it helps!!

Bhanu&Anuj

Thanks Hina

I will ignore those instances...def easier said then done....I feel so petty and immature remembering all the things she's done that I feel were unfair....

Like this one time FI, me, my sis, FI's brother, SIL and both sets of parent were at my inlaws, and FI and I were sitting close holding hands or i had my arm in his...and she goes...FI's brother and me never sat like that we always hid that we were holding hands etc....

I wasn't sure what she was getting at there ? But i think she was just joking....

So should I talk to her about how I feel?  Or will I look overly sensitive?  I've only known her for just under a year...maybe I should wait until we are married to make a comment to her...like give her more chances? 

I guess all these little things build up. *siight*
 
More so then anything...the whole MC situation is bugging me.  I don't want her controlling the meetings...What can I suggest to the MCs when it comes to their planning?

Hinaj

Totallly understand your frustrations,   although I haven't been in this situation yet.  For the MC situation, I would tell the MCs to meet wherever the ceremony/reception is being held, since most of their part in the wedding is to be there.  I don't see why they would meet up at your FSIL house first, just to come over there.  First it seems adding more steps in the logistics process, unless I am missing something.  Also, many different things can go, I think you have more than one MC for the wedding, what if there is a communicatio failure and you someone at the venue and someone at the home.  The idea is to make it as simple for everyone which means there will be less problems arising.  While telling the MCs, you should also talk to FSIL because the MCs might be hearing two different things and won't know which one to follow.

Maybe your FSIL is more conservative, since she keeps bringing those other topic up where she feels that you shouldn't be going on a vacation together before marriage or holding hands.  IDK...but you guys soon will be married, so rather than  talking to her about this which is bound to make her angry because she believes that is the right thing to do, I think you should bear it till the wedding instead of starting your relationship on a bad note.  You shoudl wait till after the wedding and see how she is behaving...

I feel like weddings or any big events tend to bring out the worst/best in people at the wierdest time especially desi wedding where there is soo much drama, you can hardly believe it.  Maybe it is just the wedding and maybe after the wedding she will be fine. 

Does FSIL live in the same city?  Will you see her alot after the wedding?

Bhanu&Anuj

Ya ...I'm thinking I dont want to invite more drama into my life by talking to her about it.  I don't want to anger her by saying something...

Oh did I mention that she spent like 45 min in the bathroom at my bridal shower...strange yet again....

The MCs are going to decide how to do this as the venue is completely out of the way for both of them.  Maybe they'll do stuff over email?  I know if they meet in person at SIL's house... SIL will just be very pushy making the other MC feel uncomfy.

She currently lives 10 min from me...but when we move she'll be atleast a 40 min drive...not that far but a good distance.

Ya she is more conservative (I was born in Canada she just came here a few years ago)..but I feel its unfair for her to behave in such a way.  Like if my sister got married and she asked me to be the MC with a guy from her FIs side...I wouldnt ask him to come to my house..I'd meet in a convenient location ...like at a coffee shop.  But SIL's husband (the other MC) said that SIL is helping with the reception program planning from their side (wtf) and she should be included in all communications ...and how is the other MC supposed to feel that she is doing it on her own (no side kick lol)

I just don't want to get caught up in that 'typical' elder bahu vs chote bahu drama...(all the crap I watch in the indian soaps)....I don't fully understand it and I don't want to waste my time with it....but I'm thinking even non-desi brides and the FSILs go thru this. 

PS: venting about this situation has been helpful....it was killing me to keep it in...I thought i was gonna cry!

SonaliPop

Lock her in a closet.
That's what I'd do.

It's a helpful solution that will relieve things for the moment.

However, in all seriousness, she needs to step off. It's weird when people mind your business for you. I would not deal very well with that. I am pretty lucky in that my boyfriend's family doesn't get involved. If we go on trips, they don't ask questions...but they aren't stupid.

Your FI should say something to her. Has he tried?