Envy is rearing it's ugly head

SonaliPop

I know, I know - you have all walked me through living with my in-laws a hundred times...but I'm still not really 'okay with it'. More than anything, I have let it subside (the argument) because nothing is changing. I still, deep down in my heart, want what I want. I know it's not a punishment or hell and I know that he wants it because he really cares about the health and safety of his parents and I also know that they're not bad people (quite the opposite), but I can't help it...I just get jealous.

Jealous of my friends who are Indian who are getting engaged and married and starting their new lives together. Jealous of my friends with more westernized backgrounds whose future in-laws are okay with them having a different lifestyle. I am jealous of my friends who are picking out a new house together, even if it's not the biggest or most expensive. I am jealous, slightly, of the issues that come about with a first home or apartment, because, in my mind, they are part of your first few years of marriage - the adjustments you make as a couple. Once in a while, inbetween my happiness for other people, something inside of me just sparks, and I feel so jealous and bitter and I can't get it to stop. It doesn't help that all of his friends do not live with their families! Only one will and he has had the chance to move out on his own and his Mom will be moving in with them. I am appreciative of all the good things we have and I am so lucky to have him in my life, but I can't help but feel this way, and sometimes it does ugly things and makes me a very unhappy person. I can't say that this is what I want and I know I'll be bitter and angry about it for a long time, but I can't adjust. This is the only thing that could tear us apart. Not even the distance has done this much damage to us.

Does anyone have any advice for me on this jealousy? I know, I know - the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and the friends who DO live with their in laws aren't dying of unhappiness. But, isn't it normal to think about the small dreams - even if they are simple things like a first apartment and picking out dishes and the images I have of eating chinese take out on the floor in our poorly furnished apartment...and miss them?

jnsaini

Hi Sonali,
I cant say I understand all your situation, but I can relate a bit to it, FI and I will be living 10 mths apart after the marriage, it will be hard I hear crap about it everyday, but I know its best for the future. So I found all his close friends who are couples (we all hung out together when FI was near, so I got really close to them) so all these couples (none of them are married yet) the girls are picking up and moving closer to the guys and everyone is moving to NYC. FI told me this I got so JEALOUS, I told him its not fair how come so and so barely even a yr together get to live close, why didnt you factor me in your situation and move back. FI has no plans to stay in CHI town and wants to move back to east cost in a yr...but I got so jealous I wish I was not in a place where I have to be so serious about career and all financial things, I wish I could just pick up and move closer to him, but my hands are tied..and today I felt a bit jealous when I found out the last couple that were living only 3 hrs apart is even moving to the same city..but then I took a step back and thought, be happy for everyone..dont you wish ppl feel happy for you too. I had to tell myself this jealous will ruin my piece of mind, I have a great man in my hands, I will make the best of my situation and focus on the love we have rather than what others have, we have made it through a long distance relationship since he moved away only after 2 mths of us dating(we been together 2 yr and 3mths). Very few of his friends would last thru that and I know one of them called it off for a while because they couldnt do the long distance (2 hr drive haha).
Best advice I can give you is focus on yourself, dont worry what and where others are at..it will just make you miserable and upset. Feel better babe!

kingofpop

Hey hun,

I know how it is. FI and I have been together for 8 years, 4 of them he was in college on the other side of the country and he is now finally here but we still don't technically live together as I also have 3 housemates. We are finally going to start looking for our own place but it won't happen until about december if we are lucky. My ring has been a huge issue of jealousy in the past year and I don't know why I let it get to me. FI even mentiond he would get me a better ring and that he feels that I am not proud to wear it. I am jealous of my friends who have the money to just get married right away when I have to wait until I finish school and then the home and then some magical money that I need to now save up. Right now I am planning my best friends bridal shower and she just got engaged whereas I have been engaged for a year and no plans.  

But this is how I get over my jealousy. I one take the time to consider all of the things going on in my life and how it will benefit me in the future. Two: Make sure that I realize that FI and I will be together for a LONG time and I shouldn't rush things and take the time to myself now before we drive each other nuts when we get old Three: know what makes YOU happy. Even if it takes longer you will be happier in the long run.Four: surround yourself with people who make you happy, go our do things, go on vacation with friends and make sure you have some you time. Five: watch chick flicks with some of your favorite food and realize that your life is way more awesome than the chick in the movie (i.e Sex and the city the movie 1)

Hopefully this helps. . .but I know how you feel.

SonaliPop

We certainly haven't been together that long. I think to fix a lot of things, or to try to make a change, I need to make a move. I don't want to get married just to fix the distance problem, but I do not want to be apart forever. You know? I love him and I am happiest with him, and I feel like this is the guy for me...I just have to consider all those good things. But living together with your in laws forever...it isn't like, my wildest fantasy. I envy the people who live the mundane lives in a house, just the two of them, that I thought I'd have, too.

kingofpop

Yes we definately made some sacrifices, I was planning to move if he decided to go to a school farther away. But finally he decided to stay here with me as I got a new job. Sometimes it gets to that point but definately stay positive, your time will come just work it out with him and see what works best for the two of you. And if it takes time, then it takes time . . .just know that you belong together and you will look back at this struggle as something you overcame.

Hinaj

Hey Sonali,

Don't worry so much about it.  FI and I have been together for over 9 years now and I think only two were spent together in the same city!!  I know what you mean, when you see all your friends and family going about getting marriedm buying their first home and all, of course it is only a natural reaction, to feel a little bit of jealousy.  Both of our sets of friends are now married, or getting married and are having kids and sometimes I too feel that why aren't we there yet?  But all I can say is that all of us have different plans, priorities, etc etc.  It was our decision to wait to get married, it was our decision to concentrate on school and career first before settling down, so I can't be the one who is jealous, or envious of everyone else because it is the best for both of us, so I rather take the waiting and being apart then after marriage.  It just makes me appreciate our relationship. 

SonaliPop

It's not them getting married that I am jealous of.

It is them getting married and living the life I always wanted to live, and the type of life I dreamed of, while I have to settle for something else that I don't want, in terms of how and where I live.

raangoli

Sonali,

I know that it is hard to compromise on something like this, something that means so much to you. But I will give you the same advice that I give my other girlfriends. If you spend your time being jealous or envious of others, you will miss the beauty and joy of what is right in front of you.

You might be envious of someone else, but they could very well be envious of you and what you take for granted.

Again, I know its not easy when you feel how you feel and there is nothing wrong with that. You have every right to feel that way, but don't let it stop you from what really matters and that is eventually marrying the love of your life, your best friend.

Shaily

Hinaj

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_envy-rearing-its-ugly-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:db8c18e4-a1c5-4915-bad2-84d920dc808dPost:f6bbba58-4691-4acf-b8c8-5497e63bb8d4">Re: Envy is rearing it's ugly head</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not them getting married that I am jealous of. It is them getting married and living the life I always wanted to live, and the type of life I dreamed of, while I have to settle for something else that I don't want, in terms of how and where I live.
Posted by SonaliPop[/QUOTE]


I know what you mean, but not everyone's situation is the same.  Compromises have to be made, especially to stuff you never thought will happen, like where how you will live, but you have tons of time before getting married, take the time to figure it out and get used to the idea.  You have a lots of time to adjust. 

mrs.khan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_envy-rearing-its-ugly-head?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:db8c18e4-a1c5-4915-bad2-84d920dc808dPost:f6bbba58-4691-4acf-b8c8-5497e63bb8d4">Re: Envy is rearing it's ugly head</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not them getting married that I am jealous of. It is them getting married and living the life I always wanted to live, and the type of life I dreamed of, while I have to settle for something else that I don't want, in terms of how and where I live.
Posted by SonaliPop[/QUOTE]

I really understand you. I am in the same situation also.  I'm not going to give advice because I think that this is really a personal decision that you have to make and literally live with.  Just want to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings and you can always vent here.

SonaliPop

Thanks guys, honestly, it means a lot to me that I can come here and vent...because, to be honest, none of my other friends understand.

My best friend (who is not Indian) told me that if that was the only thing that was an issue and she had just as good of a guy, she wouldn't let it get in the way.

I called his Mom today and she was telling me how much she wants to see me and how she is making me sweets and biscuits and mitai and sending it to me from London for him to bring. She was really happy to hear from me and she always is, and I was happy to talk to her. You guys are right. If I keep looking at all of these things I don't want I will bulldoze right over the things I do want...the guy...the love...the support...the good things.

It's better, of course, also, to have in laws who love you or who want you to love and accept them rather than awful ones who don't care at all about you, so I can't complain there.