Gay Weddings

New and Preparing to Propose

Hey there!

I just joined the Knot today, and I'm so excited to be a part of the community!
I've been reading a lot of the posts (before my power went out due to Hurricane Irene).  I'm in kind of a transition phase in my life so I don't have too many people to run things by, and I hope there will be more people to talk to here.  My name's Anne, and I've known my girlfriend Megan for many years, but we've been dating for two this fall.  We've talked about marriage many times, and a few weeks ago, I asked her father for his permission.  I've got the ring (white-topaz instead of diamond because I just can't afford one right now) in my dresser and I can't *wait* to ask her!

However, I still have to find a way to ask her mother (they're divorced), and I'm terrified she'll say No!  Also, I have *no* idea how I'll even go about proposing!  I want so badly to make this perfect for her - she's an incurable romantic, but I don't have the funds to sweep her off her feet on a vacation or plan something elaborate, because that all costs money I don't have yet.

Anyways, please stop by and introduce yourselves! I'd love to meet more people on the board!

Re: New and Preparing to Propose

  • edited December 2011
    Hi, Anne!  Welcome to the forums!  I'm Gene from Florida, and my fiance kevin and I are planning an October wedding for next year in New York.

    First off...  CONGRATULATIONS!  I'm so excited for you!

    I guess the first thing to consider about asking her mom would be how supportive mom is or isn't.  If she's open minded and supportive of the two of you, it shouldn't be too big a deal.  I'm really lucky in that respect, my Kevin's mom is as supportive of her kids as you can possibly imagine.  When we told his folks we were getting married, I think they were more excited than we were!

    The other thing to consider is what her mom saying no would or would not mean.  Would you consider not going through with the proposal if she were to say no?  To me, you're both adults and at the end of the day, you're love is all that should matter.  The support of both parents would be nice, but if you can't get it, I think how you feel about Megan is all that should matter.
  • sustotsustot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Congrats, Anne!  I'm excited for you and wish all the best.

    I'm Susan from Nashville. My wife and I recently married/eloped in Boston a little over a month ago and are still planning a ceremony for family and friends in New Orleans.

    I agree with HKuma above in that will the mother's saying "no" change your mind about the proposal?  I would surely hope not, but I don't know your situation or your partner's either.  Also, as far as funds go to "sweep her off her feet" - romance doesn't have to be expensive and it's typically the small things that mean the most.  A scavenger hunt, notes left here and there, place of your first date or where you first saw one another...I'm an incurable romantic and these things would mean more to me than some elaborate scheme.
  • K&J64K&J64 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi Anne!

    I'm K from NJ, my wife J and I just got married ("unionized" really) in June, we've been together for nearly 8 years though. I didn't ask her parents at all, but I didn't feel the need to, each couple is different. She did ask my mom before proposing (and she proposed first).

    As for the proposal itself, it doesn't have to be elaborate and expensive to be romantic. A nice home cooked candle light dinner, music, maybe some flower petals leading into the house is really all it a takes for the swoon factor - for me at least. My wife made a slide show of photos of us over the years set to music and then popped the question - it was wonderfully romantic.

    Photobucket
  • WeabitWeabit member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Congratulations to all of you!  K, your wedding picture is gorgeous!  It’s nice to see two brides who look so very happy.

    As for her mother, she has a very close-knit Italian-Jewish family, and her parents are very important to her.  The divorce has left them with their own problems which they sometimes push onto their kids though, and while I have great respect for her mother as a person, she’s at times unstable and has her own issues to work through.  She’s only recently coming to terms with the fact that Megan and I are together, and although I’m often invited along to events and have been before we started dating, it’s with the spirit of being Megan’s good friend, as a ‘sister’ and not a girlfriend (Megan, her younger sister, and I frequently pass as being three sisters and are often treated that way). She’s said before to Megan that she doesn’t think I’m “the one” for her, or rather, her “Bashert” – the Jewish concept of “soulmate.”  If she opposes the marriage, I will still want to propose, but it will make things very difficult for Megan and we’ll have to deal with what may be seen as disrespecting her by going through with it anyways.  Even if she supports it on the outside, we’re sure to have plenty of family drama during the wedding planning, and it’s sad to think that even an engagement which should be a happy event could be hijacked or cause for anxiety.

    Susan: I would *love* to visit Nashville someday.  Speaking of living in the South as a same-sex couple, can I ask what it’s like?  My girlfriend loves the South – she recently moved to Virginia – and I’ll be moving in with her next year.  We haven’t had any problems so far, but she’s brought up before that she’s concerned about ruining her happy experiences of Southern hospitality.

    That being said, most of our memories together were made in Michigan, where we both grew up (in very separate places – I came from the middle-of-nowhere, she came from middle-upper class suburbia near Detroit).  We didn’t have the traditional “asking out” on a date experience and can’t even pin down an anniversary date, just a general time; we came to terms with our feelings only when we realized we were falling for each other. Before that, we were just best friends who always hung out together.  We currently live three hours away from each other (I’m in Maryland, finishing grad school, she’s in Virginia, working on her PhD) and only get to see each other on weekends.  I’m probably putting more weight on the proposal than I should, but I feel a need to make up for something – I’m not what she had in mind when she was young and fantasizing about meeting a gorgeous man who would sweep her off her feet.  I can’t pick her up and carry her off on a white horse (I’m shorter and not very strong).  Sometimes she confesses that she feels like the more manly of the two of us, and I wish I were taller and stronger so I could be the protector and make her feel like the beautiful woman she is.  I want to make it personal to us somehow, but there are no real places that are important to us or to our relationship (that we can get to easily – perhaps our alma mater, but that’s back in Michigan and too far for us).  I listened to my parents and went with a ring I could afford to pay off now, which means no diamond, which I know was important to her (but we did discuss upgrading later – I want her to have a real diamond!) so I need a proposal that will sweep her off her feet.

    I need something to make it uniquely us, but so far I’ve got nothing: I know she’s a complete stranger to you, but any input is good!  I have no one to talk this over with.  She’s an archaeologist focusing on ceramics, a horse lover (she rode for years and even broke horses – I love my cowgirl!), into country, Southern cooking (her family came from the south and she’s spent a lot of time there), theatre and literature (we *love* Les Miserables, it’s our favorite book and musical ever!), singing (she has the most beautiful voice, and music is very important to her), and Ireland (it’s our favorite place and we want to honeymoon there – we both Irish stepdance, she’s a Celtic singer, and she plays the bodhran traditional drum).  We’re a confusing interfaith Celtic-Country-Jewish-Catholic(me)-wanna-be-southerners.  That probably made no sense, but it’s nice to have people to share with.  Sorry for the long posts!

    If you have any ideas, or just want to share your own stories/engagements, please do!

  • edited December 2011

    Anne, Congratulations on your upcoming engagement. I proposed to my girlfriend in June and asked both of her parents as well. I very much understand your hesitancy and worry that she might taken off guard. I would just call her and say that you have a ring and would like to give it to Megan to symbolize your commitment, and that you would really like her support. (not quite "permission"). Chances are she'll respond positively.

    As for how to propose, anything sentimental would definitely work, those are better than grand gestures anyway (my opinion). As long as you do something that took some thought, she will LOVE it. Maybe go to a place for dinner that you've both been wanting to try. OR make her dinner. Or what about trying to write all your memories down in a "memory box". She can take out each one, read them, and have the last one be something about getting married someday. Then you can ask her!  Good luck!!!

    ~Lindsey

  • sustotsustot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Anne, I left you a private message in your inbox as well.  You made a long post and gave yourself some pretty good advice listing all of the things you have in common and love to do together.  Just for the record, what make it "uniquely us" is the two of you.
    Living in the south - we love it (even if we know our marriage will never be legal here).  Southern hospitality is still alive and kicking.  But, just like anywhere you can run into mean people.
    Good luck and stay positive!
  • K&J64K&J64 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Horseback ride followed by a picnic? I like the memory box idea. Honestly the "stuff" going on is just icing on the cake, how you ask, your words, that's the real romantic part.  

    ETA: And thanks, that's as we walked back down the aisle after the ceremony, we had big cheesy smiles for sure!

    Photobucket
  • sustotsustot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Les Mis seems to be pretty high on the list of things you have in common/love to do together. Happen to have any play bills/ticket stubs from past visits to shows? Maybe you two could "re-enact" a scene or two? Watch it again (at home nice and romantic or out on the town)? Perhaps you could read one of her favorite parts to her from the book. Since she's an archaeologist make her figure out the proposal - that's what she does right? Figures out what people do from what is left behind? Stick figure horse on a piece of broken pottery and go from there. 
  • WeabitWeabit member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry for the long post, I'll try and cut back on the word tsunami.  I don't have anyone to really turn to lately to hash things out with, so I guess I overflowed.  My family tries to be supportive, but they aren't likely to share my excitement in this.

    Susan: Thanks for the message and encouragement, I appreciate it!

    The memory box idea is nice, I may do something with that!  This will give me something to work on, hopefully when I hit on the perfect idea, I can run it by the good people of this board.  That being said, the weekend is coming and I wish you all a fantastic time!  I'm making the drive down to visit my girl!
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