Nerves and pre-marital counseling

smilecrazy8

Hey all!
I apologize this is long but please bare with me.
So the wedding is coming up super fast and I'm in crunch time. AND panic mode! I have no idea where the time went and it's getting really hard to keep trusting and remembering that God has everything in control and it will all turn out just fine. However, one thing that has really been bothering me is pre-marital counseling. I was so excited to start. I couldn't wait to finally discuss a little more about what marriage based on God looks like as well as touch on some of those tough topics that we will inevitably deal with if not before marriage- during. I love learning new things about my FI and I couldn't WAIT to start.

Well we asked our pastor about 5 months ago and we've met.. once. And we're getting married in just over a month! I've been trying really hard to let my FI organize meeting with them but it just seems like either they are out of town or we are and it just doesn't seem like a priority to anyone but me. We've tried to talk some things out just the two of us but sometimes I feel like its pulling teeth. I really don't know what else to do.

I'm in panic mode. I don't feel prepared at all for marriage. I have very little firm faith-filled relationships to look up to and I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. Am I putting too much stress on pre-marital counseling? Am I thinking too much? Would you suggest anything? What have you found the most helpful with pre-marital counseling that maybe I could go through with him myself?

Thanks!

Jeffie86

Premarital counseling was a great thing for my husband and I to go through.  Our Pastors gave us some helpful ways to communicate better and some things to read about bringing Christ to the center of our marriage.  I don't know the references for the readings (but they're by Martin Luther and Dietrich Bonhoeffer--I'm Lutheran, can't you tell?), but there's a sticky for other good premarital counseling books.

I would suggest you either take the reins in meeting with the Pastor or see if you can talk with some couples in the church that have been married for a long time.  I would have been uncomfortable with this, but I have heard of other couples doing it and they love it!

I think that wanting to strengthen your relationship and keep Christ in your marriage is a good thing.  You don't need to stress that if it doesn't happen before you're married, you can never do anything about it, though.  Take a deep breath.    Even if you don't get to counseling before you walk down the aisle, you can meet with your pastor or a couple or read a book after the wedding and it will still give you a great foundation for your marriage.

lauraharin

Hello. Sorry things haven't been working out. I am getting married 10-2-10 and we have finished our course of 4 premarital sessions. It is a very good idea because it helps you learn more about each other and get a better understanding of any expectations. One of the lessons we had that I found most helpful was: We were asked to both write down A. where we see ourselves in a year B. where we see ourselves in 5 years C. when we are at the end of our lives and telling our grandchildren about out marriage what would we want to say to them. It's pretty amazing to see what the other says.

I'd keep trying to get ahold of your pastor. Even if you don't,  try having an evening alone with no tv or distractions to talk about things more in detail.

Good Luck! Everything will be okay:)

AnnaW11

If it makes you feel any better, my pastor and his wife did most of their counseling in the two weeks leading up to their wedding (he was in another state up until then) and they have a beautiful marriage.

A couple resources my FI and I have found useful are "101 Questions to ask before you get engaged" and "This Momentary Marriage" by John Piper. I know you are engaged, my FI and I went through it when we had decided we were going to get married, but I was waiting for the ring/official proposal. So, our mentality going through it was to understand where our differences were and start to work through them. A few questions are redunant, but it is really thorough and covers many/most of the things you cover in premarital. John Piper's book is the best book I have read on marriage (and I have read several, it is an area of interest for me), not because it offers some step-by step "this is how to have a great marriage" but because it provides a firm foundation for your marriage that guides how you handle situations. My FI and I have talked through the book, and I am going through it with my pastor's wife now.

Otherwise, just keep Christ and the gospel central to your relationship. You obviously desire to have a strong marriage and I think the key to that is to continually remind yourself of the amazing thing Christ did. That is the perfect model of forgiveness and humility, not to mention the fact that Paul says in Galations that the gospel is the very power of God. When you fail or your FI fails, you look to the gospel to see that it is covered by Christ, and that is what gives you the power and courage to overcome all of the personality differences, arguments, and trials of marriage.

Just wanted to let you know the things we have found most helpful in our preparation.

iamjoesgurl

Premarital counseling is definitely very beneficial and you are not putting too much stress on it.  Keep in mind that you don't NEED to go through it before marriage unless you are unsure about your decision which is probably not the case since you are a month out. 

The Prepare Enrich program is very good and they have a way to find a facilitator on their site.  Just put in your zip code and it will let you know of all of the certified facilitators in your area.  Then you can pick one and call that person to see if he/she can meet with you or if they can make a recommendation of another facilitator who might be able to meet with you. 

If it can't happen right away, don't give up on the idea.  You will find it to be beneficial even after you are married.  GL!

http://tinyurl.com/29s9jrs

rbtrumpet

I didn't read the responses because they were too long...

If you're having problems setting up pre-marital counseling with your pastor, you can always try to find a therapist/counselor in the area - we had a few people at church encourage us to do that even though we were doing counseling with our pastor too!

If you want (and have time to read!), some really good, Christian, books are:
Reforming Marriage
Sacred Marriage
What Did You Expect?
When Sinners Say I Do


Also, (possibly TMI, and quite frankly) I would suggest getting:
Sheet Music

ESPECIALLY if you and/or FI are virgins.  It's a very straight-forward book about sex from a Christian and psychologist point of view.  He is VERY explicit, so I would suggest not reading the "before marriage" chapters until a couple weeks before your wedding, and definitely wait on the "after marriage" chapters until after (I accidentally read one page from an after-marriage one thinking it was a different chapter!)

felkels

I hope you can figure things out.  There are courses you can get on your own, or maybe your pastor has a course you could work through together???  My DH and I counseled for over a year (we started before we even had a date set).  DH had been engaged before, and wanted to make sure this was right.  I did too.  We learned a lot about eachother.  My suggestion would be to atleast set aside some time to do something on your own, maybe a devotional for engaged people or a course you can get on your own or something if your pastor is not availible.  You should really have some prep and time to work on communication issues before the marriage begins. 

Tauner23

I would definitely recommend finding some sort of "mentor couple." Maybe a couple in your church who has been married for a while and can give you some good insight. You will be able to share your happiness, concerns, anxiousness, marital problems, etc with them not just before your wedding, but after as well.
Our pre-marital classes don't start until January. We are getting married in a mega church and they require us to take a 10 week premarital class as well as taking an online compatibility test and then they will assign us a married mentor couple. It is opened even to couples who aren't getting married at the church.  I would check in to other local churches and see if they have a similar program set up that you can take part in possibly.

I would just say to have faith. My wedding is still months away and I'm sure I will be having the same nerves you are closer to the actual date. Just remember that as long as God is a part of the marriage, you shouldn't have anything to worry about!

Rhoyal_1

I would contact my Pastor with FI and schedule a time. 

I highly suggest



It also has a workbook titled "So, You're getting Married"  This is used in our counseing with our Pastor.  The DVD is dated, but the information re: the imporance of marriage as a Godly union in timeless!