Which church after the wedding?

Habs2Hart

Has anyone else gone through this?

My Fl and I are getting married in June.  We both go to different churches.  My church is a modern baptist church and his church is a pentecostal church, so the universals beliefs are the same, there are just some other things the two churches differ on (but my Fl and I are on the same page about most of it, even though I don't practice some of it). 

Here's the dilemma.  We don't know where we'll go.  We both go to each others churches every once in a while and are both relatively comfortable at each.  We socialize and have relationships with members of both congregations.  I was born into my church and my family is there.  I coach upward basketball, I am a youth leader and I help out in the nursery.  My step dad is a Deacon in the church and our family is very involved.  I love my church.  I think there are great outreach ministries in place and lots of things to get involved in.  It is a big church (largest in the town) with 2 services each with about 250-300 guests.  So it doesn't have the small community feel.

His church is further north in a small town.  It's a small cozy church and everyone knows everyone.  There's not a whole lot going on in terms of ministry for others to get involved in (not that I can see anyway) and I know my Fl struggles with that a little bit, but it's his first church.  He's been a Christian for a few years and the people in that church are the people who introduced him to God and helped him grow and mature.  He's beyond comfortable there and because he grew up in a... ahem... more free worshipping church, he feels somewhat stifled in the worship in my church.  Our band can rock it and does, but the seats are close together and he feels he can't move as much.  He also is very close with his pastor, as my family is with ours. 

I'm not completely comfortable at his church.  I don't really want to get into what makes me uncomfortable in case it comes off the wrong way and insults someone (not meaning to of course) and I am just so IN my church.  So we don't know where to go.

How did you decide?  Some of his friends are saying that the wife obeys the husband therefor goes to his church.  Some are being supportive and saying, if she's not comfortable here and you are there, go there.  Just because the building changes doesn't mean the relationships have to. 

I'm so torn.  I want both pastors to participate in the wedding.  Because he is so close with his and he's so comfortable with him, we'll probably do marriage councelling with him.  However, we'll let him know that as of now, we don't know where we are going to stay and we may end up not going to that church, so if he's okay with still councelling us, that would be great. 

I told him we need to each spend more time in each others churches and pray big time, no need to make a decision yet, but I know it's effecting both of us as we're both concerned.  It's the biggest decision we have to make it seems.

Any insights, prayers, thoughts would be appreciated. 

fpaemp2011

I am not in this situation, as FI is going into Youth Ministry, so we'll go to whatever church he's on staff at. 

I was raised conservative Southern Baptist, and I don't think I would be comfortable in a Pentecostal or Charismatic church, either...I am not personally accustomed to the worship style.  Maybe the two of you could look into visiting a Community Church that you agree with doctrinally and see if you're comfortable with the worship style.

FI grew up in a Community Church...the worship at his is modern, but not charismatic.  Maybe there is one that can accommodate your FI's preferred style of worship, but not make you feel uncomfortable.  It would enable the two of you to make new relationships as a married couple, but not make your home churches feel that one of  you is being "forced out" by the other. 

katanne9

I would recommend that the two of you together take a few weeks and try other churches that you have never been to. Then you guys need to talk about church and see what you, as individuals and as a couple, are looking for.

I would hate for you to pick one of the churches and have one person end up being resentful.

I would also think about trying to attend both churches for a while (maybe switch every other Sunday) until you reach a conclusion you are both happy with.

iamjoesgurl

I live in MD.  Until our wedding, DH lived in upstate NY.  We obviously went to different churches but we also went to different types of churches.  His parents go to different churches (his dad is Catholic and his mom is Baptist).  We talked during our counseling that it was very important to us to worship together.   When he moved down here, I left my church.  I was a very active member of the church and I was very conflicted about it but I knew that he did not like it and I felt that we could find something that we both agreed upon.  So we have spent the last year attending 3 different churches.  I think we finally found one that we both agree on.

I would encourage you to continue praying.  Be open and honest with each other about what you like in your church, what you like in the other's church and what you would ultimately agree upon as a church that you both like.  Then you can visit different churches and talk more about it.  If you (while praying) feel led to stay at your church, I believe that God will put the same desire in his heart.  And the opposite is true too.

I think that katanne's idea of attending both churches for a while might help you with your decision too.  If neither of you has attended the other church regularly, you will tend to feel less comfortable with it.

Whatever you decide, keep the lines of communication open.  You won't want this to become a decision that you made just to satisfy FI because as someone else said, you might end up with feelings of resentment.  GL!

JoyMatt424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_church-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6c95821f-4996-4b3a-bdfa-593e8d85beb0Post:11385c1f-44de-4987-bf6c-0b313bbddf76">Re: Which church after the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would recommend that the two of you together take a few weeks and try other churches that you have never been to. Then you guys need to talk about church and see what you, as individuals and as a couple, are looking for. I would hate for you to pick one of the churches and have one person end up being resentful. I would also think about trying to attend both churches for a while (maybe switch every other Sunday) until you reach a conclusion you are both happy with.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

This! You should go to church together and make the decision together. You really should be 100% happy with the decision you make, together. Church is important - so it's important that you take the next few weeks to really pray about which church gives you BOTH more peace. Hope this works out for you, it sounds like a tough situation!

Habs2Hart

Thanks so far everyone.  We live in a different area, where there are a lot of churches of different denominations.  There really isn't a "community" church per-sey.  My church hosts two services, a contemporary where we get to rock it out in the worship and a more traditional for those who prefer a quieter feel.  I go to the early service with the contemporary.  Our musical tastes are very similar when it comes to worship.  We both like upbeat and uplifting songs with the occasional really deep quiet song. 

He likes my church and the people in it.  Because my family is there, it's a big draw.  He came to my youth group last night and loved it.  The people he has met so far have really made him feel welcome and I know he really enjoys the teaching from my pastor too.  There are a few people in the church (which happens with a large congregation unfortunately) that aren't the most welcoming, but he usually doesn't run into those people when he comes.

Whatever happens, I think a lot of it will depend on where we end up living.  Further south is a little less expensive to buy and a beautiful area, in which case, there is my church and a Harvest church to choose from that would suit us.  We know people in both obviously.  I'm sorta hoping and praying that it will work out that way, that location will have more impact.  Is that bad?

We have some time, so we will both be attending each others more often.  And the great thing is, if something really great is happening at either church, the early service I go to ends early enough that we can nip up to his and only miss a bit of worship (which lasts almost an hour at his church anyway).  So big things, guest speakers and all that stuff is gerenally not going to be a problem, which I think is cool.

I think whatever happens, we need to make a point to continue to be visitors in the other church.  We hang out with our friends from each church on a regular basis, so those relationships shouldn't change.

Thanks so much for the support. 

JAF squared

I would suggest trying out other churches.  This is an important decision, and it needs to be a place you are both comfortable.  I joined my DH's church almost a year before we got married.  I was always known as J's girlfriend, J's fiance, J's wife...I have never been known for me or anything besides being there with J.  We are looking at a big move in the near future, and finding OUR church, not my church or his church is something I am really looking forward to.  Church is a place where you build a family to support your relationship with God, and it needs to be a place that you can both be comfortable togheter.