Plus One?

kris201

We have decided to not have "plus ones". This is not a budget issue. We just feel it is silly to have people celebrating your wedding who you have never met before. We have about 15 people who were not offered a "plus one". Everyone is OK with it with one exception, the FSIL, who is also a bridesmaid. Other guests and bridesmaids do not have a "plus one" and they understand and have no issue with this.

Here is some more info on the situation, because I need some other points of view! She is in her mid 20's, still living with his parents, and when she found out, she threw a temper-tantarum (I'm not even exaggerating). She has been casually dating someone for a few weeks now and insists that he is invited to our wedding which is in 3 months. She has now gotten both of his parents involved and my poor groom has been receiving angry emails and phone calls from them over the last few weeks. My groom is beside himself that his family is acting that way and we just don't know what to do. He has told them all how we feel about having strangers at the wedding. He has also shared how as a bridesmaid, she will be busy for all but 3 hours of the day...so what will her guest do the rest of the time(he won't know anyone there except her)? He has also reminded them how this is our wedding and not a summer BBQ with an "open invite". Lastly, he reminded them that this is his day, not his sister's day, and he expects his family's support.

Has anyone had anything happen like this? What do we do? His family "listens" but doesn't really hear what he is saying. My guy is a wreck about this and I need some help!

tawillers

What is she going to be "busy" doing?  Standing up in the wedding and being in pictures, sure, but what else?  If you're having a head table, she'll sit there to eat, but what else is she expected to do?  Are you not going to allow her to have a good time?

Personally, I think not allowing the plus ones (for only 15 people) is tacky and rude.  Is it really worth starting family drama over?

In the end, this is what you and your FI choose, so he's just going to have to say that and let them know it's not for discussion.  But be prepared for the subsequent family drama.

tawillers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:00a80d65-567a-49de-85ba-1026b6ea9cd7Post:4054913c-9acc-49a9-969a-2c31f9f37847">Plus One?</a>:
[QUOTE]We have decided to not have "plus ones". This is not a budget issue. We just feel it is silly to have people celebrating your wedding who you have never met before. We have about 15 people who were not offered a "plus one". Everyone is OK with it with one exception, the FSIL, who is also a bridesmaid. Other guests and bridesmaids do not have a "plus one" and they understand and have no issue with this. Here is some more info on the situation, because I need some other points of view! She is in her mid 20's, still living with his parents, and when she found out, she threw a temper-tantarum (I'm not even exaggerating). She has been casually dating someone for a few weeks now and insists that he is invited to our wedding which is in 3 months. She has now gotten both of his parents involved and my poor groom has been receiving angry emails and phone calls from them over the last few weeks. My groom is beside himself that his family is acting that way and we just don't know what to do. He has told them all how we feel about having strangers at the wedding. He has also shared how as a bridesmaid, she will be busy for all but 3 hours of the day...so what will her guest do the rest of the time(he won't know anyone there except her)? He has also reminded them how this is our wedding and not a summer BBQ with an "open invite". Lastly, he reminded them that this is his day, not his sister's day, and he expects his family's support. Has anyone had anything happen like this? What do we do? His family "listens" but doesn't really hear what he is saying. My guy is a wreck about this and I need some help!
Posted by kristen109[/QUOTE]

6fsn

I agree this isn't something to start a war over.  I gaurantee a stranger at the wedding will not have any impact on your day. 

I'd also suspect at least one of the other 15 people has griped about not having a plus one.

kris201

She will be getting her hair and make-up done, getting dressed, pictures with the bridesmaids, being in the wedding itself, more pictures, introductions, toasts, etc..just typical wedding things. It won't be until the last three hours of the reception that there's no obligation for the bridal party to do anything but actually party!

He think it's odd for strangers to celebrate our marriage, and I agree. Is our culture so self-indulgent that we want to be recognized by strangers for everything? They have never met you, know nothing about you and your relationship. This isn't any party with an open invite. it's a wedding. People seem to forget what it's all about, and to us it's about celebrating our relationship and marriage with people we actually know.

Again, no one else has a problem with this, but the FSIL. None of them are in relationships and agree with out POV. They all will know many people there and have the approproate social skills to get them through an evening without a date.

6fsn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:00a80d65-567a-49de-85ba-1026b6ea9cd7Post:876587db-2130-4fb3-a177-28571c04fba1">Re: Plus One?</a>:
[QUOTE]She will be getting her hair and make-up done, getting dressed, pictures with the bridesmaids, being in the wedding itself, more pictures, introductions, toasts, etc..just typical wedding things. It won't be until the last three hours of the reception that there's no obligation for the bridal party to do anything but actually party! We think it's odd for strangers to celebrate your marriage.<strong> Is our culture so self-indulgent that we want to be recognized by strangers for everything?</strong> They have never met you, know nothing about you and your relationship. This isn't any party with an open invite. it's a wedding. People seem to forget what it's all about, and to us it's about celebrating our relationship and marriage with people we actually know. Again, no one else has a problem with this, but the FSIL. None of them are in relationships and agree with out POV.
Posted by kristen109[/QUOTE]

Or are you so blind you can't see this is not a hill to die on.  Your fSIL is going to be in your life for a long time.  Why make her angry about something so simple?

tawillers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:00a80d65-567a-49de-85ba-1026b6ea9cd7Post:876587db-2130-4fb3-a177-28571c04fba1">Re: Plus One?</a>:
[QUOTE]She will be getting her hair and make-up done, getting dressed, pictures with the bridesmaids, being in the wedding itself, more pictures, introductions, toasts, etc..just typical wedding things. It won't be until the last three hours of the reception that there's no obligation for the bridal party to do anything but actually party! We think it's odd for strangers to celebrate your marriage. Is our culture so self-indulgent that we want to be recognized by strangers for everything? They have never met you, know nothing about you and your relationship. This isn't any party with an open invite. it's a wedding. People seem to forget what it's all about, and to us it's about celebrating our relationship and marriage with people we actually know. Again, no one else has a problem with this, but the FSIL.<strong> None of them are in relationships and agree with out POV</strong>.
Posted by kristen109[/QUOTE]

Ok, but she IS in a relationship.  Can't you see how that would be crappy not to be able to invite your SO?  You say that it's only been a few weeks (as if that's supposed to matter), but your bio says the wedding is in May. Don't you think they might be more serious by that point? Wouldn't you want to invite your SO as a date?

Your whole "strangers shouldn't celebrate our wedding" thing is weird.  You know that he wouldn't be there because he so badly wants to witness your marriage, right?  He'd be there because he'd be your FSIL's date.  Someone to accompany her and hang out with her and dance with her.

It's also strange that you're worried what these plus ones would be doing before the wedding (while she's getting dressed, etc).  They'll do whatever they want to do, just like every other day of their life.  Why would you think she'd need to entertain him while she's getting ready?

I think you're thinking too much about this.  Or you're stubborn and grasping at anything you can make up for an excuse, I don't know.

Again, it's what you and your FI want, so he's just going to have to change the subject when his family is complaining.

*Barbie*

just because you invite people with a plus one, it doesn't mean that they will bring someone.

i really don't see starting family drama over this - hell, for all you know, they could break up next week (and he wouldn't come) or they could end up married, and hate you and your H as a couple, forever. 

if you can afford it, i'd say to open it up to everyone to have a plus one. 

if i was invited to a wedding where i'd only know the bride/groom, i doubt i'd want to go without a date. 

we told all of our single friends that ther were welcome to a plus one. maybe 50% actually brought dates. we seated the dates of our 2 single groomsmen with our college friends for dinner, figuring at a minimum, they were the same age and would probably hit it off. 

kris201

Let's play the other side here... Why are we the ones who are blind or rude? Why isn't she at fault for literally crying and screaming over something so selfish? It's not her wedding, it's her brother's. He could never do something like that to his family, but why is it ok that she does?

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:00a80d65-567a-49de-85ba-1026b6ea9cd7Post:da4f76a2-30b6-4f4d-b3e3-68537b8fd7f9">Re: Plus One?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let's play the other side here... Why are we the ones who are blind or rude? Why isn't she at fault for literally crying and screaming over something so selfish? It's not her wedding, it's her brother's. He could never do something like that to his family, but why is it ok that she does?
Posted by kristen109[/QUOTE]
frankly, you all sound like you need to grow up. 

6fsn

She is your guest.  She would be more comfortable with a date.  Let her bring a date.  Take the opportunity to be the bigger person.  She isn't right for crying and throwing a tantrum but get over yourself.  It will make life easier for your fi too.

tawillers

No, I'm not saying it's ok that she's throwing a fit.  I can understand why she's upset, but I don't condone that behavior in anyone older than 5.

Now it sounds like you're pushing back so hard because of her behavior.

Everyone in this situation needs to grow up, including his parents who allowed themselves to become part of this ridiculous drama.

TRiddler86

I agree with everyone else. If its not a budget issue, let the strangers party. No one wants to go to a wedding alone, let alone be forced to. I say the more the merrier. You may even make some pretty awesome new friends.

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:00a80d65-567a-49de-85ba-1026b6ea9cd7Post:da4f76a2-30b6-4f4d-b3e3-68537b8fd7f9">Re: Plus One?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let's play the other side here... Why are we the ones who are blind or rude? Why isn't she at fault for literally crying and screaming over something so selfish? It's not her wedding, it's her brother's. He could never do something like that to his family, but why is it ok that she does?
Posted by kristen109[/QUOTE]

<div>well, for ONE, she's not the person coming here asking for advice.  If she were, I'd tell her to buck up and go alone.  But you're asking for advice and you can't control HER, you can only control YOU.</div><div>So, my advice to YOU is to not make this your hill to die on.</div><div>To be the bigger person.</div><div>To recognize that you can insist (rightly or wrongly) on your rights or you can be in a peaceful family situation, but not both.  why wouldn't you choose peace?</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>For two, for all I know, your soon-to-be husband is a doormat; the proper thing to do if that's the case isn't that he (and you) demand everyone else be doormats.</div><div>Nothing good comes of demanding that other people think like you.  It shows a self-centeredness that's astounding.</div>

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:00a80d65-567a-49de-85ba-1026b6ea9cd7Post:876587db-2130-4fb3-a177-28571c04fba1">Re: Plus One?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is our culture so self-indulgent that we want to be recognized by strangers for everything?
Posted by kristen109[/QUOTE]
I think you're missing the point:  you don't invite +1's to gain "recognition" from said +1's, you do it as a courtesy to your guests. 

Frankly, I think you're all being ridiculous.  You think your personal manifesto trumps your guests' enjoyment, your FSIL's BF's ridiculous parents are apparently involved (if I read that correctly) in harassing you to add him to the guest list...it's a giant pile of WTF.  All I can say is, it sounds like you all deserve each other.  Have fun.

tawillers

Heffa - I think the parents involved are the OP's FI's parents, who are also FSIL's parents.  Not the BF's parents.

kris201

Thank you to those who have posted mature and rational comments. If anyone else has any experience with a situation like this, I'd love to hear from you through PM.

For the rest, maybe our "different" way of thinking about weddings will show you that there isn't only one way to do things. Years ago, I would have agreed with you, but let's agree to disagree at this point. Best of luck to you all.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:00a80d65-567a-49de-85ba-1026b6ea9cd7Post:a0c52566-d3b3-4da5-83c8-c2c9002bd414">Re: Plus One?</a>:
[QUOTE]Heffa - I think the parents involved are the OP's FI's parents, who are also FSIL's parents.  Not the BF's parents.
Posted by tawillers[/QUOTE]

Ah, okay--when I read about the BF and "his parents" I was thinking the BF's, but your way makes slightly more sense.  :)

ARAvery

@kristen109:

I too had a s/o dilemma.  We decided against s/o's unless they were living together, we knew them, etc. etc.  I thought it was the totally legit way to do it (as in our case it was a budget/venue seating constraint).  In the middle of assembling invites, one of my cousins moved in with her BF of a couple months.  So we put his name on the invite and sent it to their new apartment.  We just couldn't exclude him - it didn't feel right.

Then I also got a call from one of my fiance's aunts who said her daughter had a BF and would it be okay if he came.  I was so torn, but we decided to invite him because in all honesty, had that been me, I really would've wanted to bring my s/o regardless of whether he'd evetually become part of the family.  We realize that people will RSVP "no", and so having one or two cousins bring s/o's wasn't a big deal to us.

Honestly, I'd say take the higher road on this one and invite the guy.  If they don't work out, all that matters is that you married your best friend that day - not that your SIL's ex was there.  It's a tricky situation, but if it's not a budget or seating constraint, then you may as well just do it and get it over with.  Don't dwell on it - it'll eat you alive!!!

MacaroniCheese

Wow, I don't really get all the responses attacking the OP. I can see this situation both ways. I don't think the FSIL should be throwing a tantrum about it, and I wouldn't want to "cave in to her" because people need to realize they don't always get what they want, especially if they are going to behave that way! It's important to stand up for yourself and not be pressued into something by someone who is being immature.

At the same time, you might consider being a peacekeeper so that you don't have drama at your wedding, and to hopefully mend your relationship with the FSIL. The wedding is only a day, whereas the FSIL is family and she'll be around for a long time.

One thing you could do is try to talk to her calmly and rationally about the situation (probably best that your fiance does this since it is his sister). Explain that she hurt both your feelings and that while her boyfriend seems to be an awesome person, it is important to you to have people who know you celebrate your wedding and you wanted the event to be intimate. Also let her know that you feel very pressured and stressed out by this situation. Refrain from accusing her of anything (Use "we feel" statements, not "you..." statements). Then tell her that while you are upset by the situation and extremely hurt, it is also important to you that she has a good time at the wedding, so she can bring her boyfriend. Hopefully she will apologize at this point.  This way, you are at least explaining to her that she hurt your feelings and you aren't acting like a complete doormat. You could even say, "Let's go on a double date after the wedding so we can get to know your boyfriend better."

In the end, you are going to have to weigh both decisions, and choose which one is "best" for you in the long run.

Good luck!