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DG: Bedtime related

I'm curious, but you can tell me to MYOB if you want, of course.   When your husband does the whole bedtime routine with the boys that takes hours and hours, what are you doing?
Are you watching it the whole time on the monitor?   Are you involved in any way?
I'm asking because there are times when my DH drags things out a little bit longer than I might like, but I've learned to just go about my business as if I'm alone in the house.   I catch up on emails and internets stuff, I watch TV - heck sometimes I even take a nap or go to bed early.
My feeling is, if DH wants to do this whole song and dance about bedtime (and in your case, insists on bathtime every night) then that's his thing and has very little to do with me.   The nights when DH is not home, I do a quick bath, brush teeth, ONE short story, one song, then she's in bed.   She goes to sleep almost immediately.
When he does it (which is all the other times) he drags things out, gets her wound up, then she cries for 20 minutes when he leaves the room.   But I've learned that it's not my problem (actually, it took a pshycologist to help me out with that one) and I use the kiddo free and DH free time to my advantage.
Sorry this was long.  I just hate to read your updates about the bedtime struggles when I feel that it really doesn't need to be that way.

Re: DG: Bedtime related

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    hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i don't have the bedtime issues (yet) but i defintely have "dh is NOT DOING IT RIGHT" issues.  and yes, i was given and have taken the same advice -- this is not my problem. 

    unless dh is hurting the baby or there is genuinely something wrong or dh needs my physical help, i'm out and doing my thing.
    image
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    AuntFloAuntFlo member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dg-bedtime-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0c890faf-2b9c-4cfb-8abf-43c0f0d33264Post:33bcabbc-9eea-4f10-8671-727817e941b6">Re: DG: Bedtime related</a>:
    [QUOTE] unless dh is hurting the baby or there is genuinely something wrong or dh needs my physical help,<strong> i'm out and doing my thing</strong>.
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    WERD!
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    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I do Desmond's bath/book/bed, usually starting at about 7:30 and ending by 8. Poor baby is just exhausted.

    DH just started full-time bath duty after thanksgiving. We used to mix it up more.

    Lately, I've been doing dishes, picking up the kitchen, catching up on work and personal emails, facebook.  Last night, I did some work that I brought home.  I also do watch on the monitor because it's either terribly cute or I'm trying to see if I need to go in and intervene.  Sometimes I can calm him down better than H can.

    Mostly, I just let it go. Last night was awful. Dex was so hysterical that he couldn't catch his breath sometimes.  But I let it go. 

    The reason DH took over is because he's trying to train Dex to go to sleep on his own after he leaves the room.  But I'm not so good at leaving my baby who is crying for me (vs. crying for, say, a cookie, which I'm happy to let him do).  He was already letting H sit on the other side of the room until he fell asleep, vs. my having to lay on the floor next to the mattress (also on the floor) and hold his hand or snuggle him.  I loved the snuggling, but he just wouldn't fall asleep for ages, and I was getting nothing done and hating myself for it. 

    image
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    AuntFloAuntFlo member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    But I'm not so good at leaving my baby who is crying for me (vs. crying for, say, a cookie, which I'm happy to let him do). 

    I must have a cold black heart because I don't even notice when she's crying for me.  :(
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    edited December 2011
    you gotta just let it go, DG.  Dex will survive, and eventually he'll learn to go to sleep on his own.  it's hard, yeah.  leave the house if you have to so you don't have to hear it. 
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    hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]Sometimes I can calm him down better than H can.
    Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

    i can, too, but that doesn't mean dh can't do this at all. 
    image
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    AuntFloAuntFlo member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dg-bedtime-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0c890faf-2b9c-4cfb-8abf-43c0f0d33264Post:0bdfcca2-c8f0-4e30-9c8f-e3bd5f054da2">Re: DG: Bedtime related</a>:
    [QUOTE]i can, too, but that doesn't mean dh can't do this at all. 
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    hmo - you are preaching the gospel today!   AMEN!
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    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I left them to their trauma last night.  I do feel badly, though. It's something H has taken on, but it is an unfair burden in that we should be doing things more 50/50.  We do get one kid each, but Desmond's 30 minute routine really doesn't compare to the trauma of Dexter's 2 hour routine.  It's stressful and starting to affect H, too.  

    image
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    edited December 2011

    DG, when is child raising 50/50? I don't know a couple YET that has a 50/50 type of relationship raising their kids.

    Please, let me know who are these people.

    image
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    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    NOLA, I'm a strong believe in marriage and child-rearing being 60/40, both ways.  

    i was thinkign that last week when i was taking out the trash (while H was doing the bath/book/bed ritual with Dex).  I hate taking out the trash, but I consider it 100% my responsibility to do so.  So does H.  So whenever one of us does it, the other one considers it a favor, appreciates it, and says thank you.  It's kindof nice. :)

    So yeah. He's taken on this bedtime deal.  He does a lot of daycare drop-offs and pick-ups.  He occupies them for large chunks of time on the weekends.  

    I do other things. Approximately half of the daycare load. Bedtime for Des. Just about every doctor's appointment, prescription, whatever. All blogging and photo-taking.  

    Who's to say which works more?  I don't think it's realistic for each person to do 50% of each thing. But when you consider total workload, I think we're about as close to 50/50 as anyone really gets.

    image
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    edited December 2011
    My meaning is yes, in theory it should be 50/50, but is never going to be Even-Steven.

    I just picked up that you want Even-Steven, and does that happen?. I also have read you say, "I feel bad when DH had to stay up with the boys or had a hard time with bathtime."

    Now, I understand why you would because you love your husband, and y'all are a good team. However, HE took that job on, and HE likes to have certain routines with that boys that sometimes cause self made grief.
    image
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    AuntFloAuntFlo member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dg-bedtime-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0c890faf-2b9c-4cfb-8abf-43c0f0d33264Post:fb3cb2ff-0de2-437e-ac8e-62e4824683ce">Re: DG: Bedtime related</a>:
    [QUOTE]However, HE took that job on, and HE likes to have certain routines with that boys that sometimes cause self made grief.
    Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]

    This is my point EXACTLY!   He is set on this specific way of doing things (which OBVIOUSLY isn't working) and won't change - - so he SHOULD be the one dealing with it, not you.   And that doesn't mean that you should pick up extra duties to make it "even."  

    And not to be sexist, but there is so much more that a mom does than a dad so it could never really be even.   But that's fine.  I think moms are they way they are for a certain reason and vice versa.   Your kids need some of both.  .
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    hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    y'all know i don't believe in equality at all -- i believe in fairness.  50/50 isn't a reality, and a lot of the times, 60/40 isn't either.  i don't care if i'm doing most of the work, but i do care if i feel like i'm doing all of the work. 

    it's on me to tell dh to pick up the slack, and it's on him to either do it or to tell me what he's doing that shows that i'm not actually doing all of it.

    it's not an unfair burden on him to do the bedtime routine -- you feel it's an unequal one, which is not the same as being unfair.  oh, and he doesn't think it's unfair or unequal, or he would say something.
    image
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