Wedding-Making families happy...help!

lauren.lytle

My fiance and I have planned a beach wedding with just the two of us.  When we return we are having a normal wedding reception in town with our friends and families.  His immediate family (and mother!) said it was okay and they are excited.  Now that all the plans are made and dates are booked, his family is telling us that they are hurt because they wanted to see us get married...and feel like they are not included.  How should we handle this?  Should we go ahead and get married at the beach then get married again the day of our reception when we get back in a small chapel for our parents?  They don't want to go to the beach either.  We are so confused with everything and need your advice.   
 
We don't want to hurt anyones feelings AND we are paying for 80% of this wedding/reception ourselves.  What should we do?  Any other options out there? 

Thanks!!!

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-making-families-happyhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0da117ea-a28a-4c5a-bcab-1f993440549aPost:0b2aeb45-78aa-4b81-be2e-3556d890c6cf">Wedding-Making families happy...help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have planned a beach wedding with just the two of us.  When we return we are having a normal wedding reception in town with our friends and families.  His immediate family (and mother!) said it was okay and they are excited.  Now that all the plans are made and dates are booked, his family is telling us that they are hurt because they wanted to see us get married...and feel like they are not included.  How should we handle this?  <strong>Should we go ahead and get married at the beach then get married again the day of our reception when we get back in a small chapel for our parents?</strong>  They don't want to go to the beach either.  We are so confused with everything and need your advice.      We don't want to hurt anyones feelings AND we are paying for 80% of this wedding/reception ourselves.  What should we do?  Any other options out there?  Thanks!!!
Posted by lauren.lytle[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Nope.  You can't get married twice.  If you're that committed to being married on the beach, alone, then maybe you could have a videographer present and have the video available for parents to view at a later date.  Basically, you can't please your parents <em>and</em> get married alone on the beach, so decide what's more important to you - having the particular ceremony you want, or pleasing your families - and then have <em>one</em> ceremony only.

</div>

RaptorSLH

Ditto StephBean.  If you go with the beach wedding, you can have a family get-together when you return, but no first dance, cake cutting, wedding party, etc.

lnl1025

 I guess I'm a bit confused as to why she "cant " have a first dance or cake cutting? It'd be the first dance their families got to witness, and the family isnt allowed to have cake? or it just has to be cut by someone other than the newlyweds? Who made up these rules anyway? You can do whatever you want, if the etiquette police don't like it, they dont have to attend. No, you cant get married twice, legally. The suggestion of videoing your beach ceremony and showing it at your "reception" or after party is good. You're not going to please everyone, maybe you could do a regular wedding with family all around and then a little "vow renewal" on the beach just for you two?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-making-families-happyhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0da117ea-a28a-4c5a-bcab-1f993440549aPost:480b4ddb-32b8-4ef2-a19d-9ed042bbc69a">Re: Wedding-Making families happy...help!</a>:
[QUOTE] I guess I'm a bit confused as to why she "cant " have a first dance or cake cutting? It'd be the first dance their families got to witness, and the family isnt allowed to have cake? or it just has to be cut by someone other than the newlyweds? Who made up these rules anyway? <strong>You can do whatever you want, if the etiquette police don't like it, they dont have to attend.</strong> No, you cant get married twice, legally. The suggestion of videoing your beach ceremony and showing it at your "reception" or after party is good. You're not going to please everyone, maybe you could do a regular wedding with family all around and then a little "vow renewal" on the beach just for you two?
Posted by lnl1025[/QUOTE]

<div>This is true - obviously, no one has to listen to anyone on these boards.  That said, why would we give someone advice that's against etiquette and that risks offending some guests?  That'd be like saying it's okay to advise somebody to punch someone else in the face, because the person we're advising is going to do whatever they want anyway.  If someone asks a question here, I figure it's because they want to know what etiquette and good manners would suggest that they should do, not to be told "do what you want."</div><div>
</div><div>And as to why she shouldn't do a first dance, cake cutting, etc., it's because these traditions are reserved for wedding receptions.  A wedding reception, technically, is a party to thank those who witnessed the ceremony for attending.  Since no one is witnessing the ceremony, there's no one to "receive," so even if they have a big party later, it's technically not a wedding reception.</div>

RaptorSLH

Basically, anything that makes it look like a do-over reception is tacky.  So a big family dinner, a DJ, even dances with the parents and DH in turn are fine...but the moment you shine a big spotlight on it and tell everyone else to get off the dance floor, you remind everyone that they weren't important enough to come to a real reception after the real wedding. Sitting with your closest friends to eat is fine, but putting them all in matching dresses and lining them up on one side of the table is tacky.  Serving wonderful dessert is fine, but shining a spotlight on a towering cake while they feed each other bites is tacky, etc, etc.

If those are specific features the OP wants, then the OP wants a proper reception, and should have one, following a ceremony to which the guests are invited.  If those are specific features the family wants, OP should be aware they likely won't be satisfied with anything less than an invitation to the actual event.

Another compromise, since the OP is willing to have a show ceremony anyway, is to invite immediate family to the beach wedding, and do a first look with the groom beforehand.  They get a private moment, and can exchange whatever private vows they want, before the regularly scheduled wedding with officiant.   Just add a few fold-out chairs for the new guests.  The reception can be as simple as dinner together in a restaurant, or as elaborate as they have the time, energy, and money to make it.