Wedding Woes
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Hot mess on aisle three!

New to the whole dealing with BM thing --> This is kind of a vent. It's causing stress in the relationship. I just was wondering what you ladies would think about it, if i'm over-reacting because of hormones or what. My FI has a daughter with his exwife. He pays over $500 a month in child/exwife support. (BM doesnt work). Now that I am pregnant it seems like we have all this stuff we need to do and plan for and get but we just don't have the money. She gets more money than he actually does at the end of the month. I work as well, and we can manage for now, it's just causing stress because he gets mad he can't do the things he wants to for me, we can't really afford nice things. That stresses ME out, cuz he's stressed out, and we FIGHTTTT. A LOTTT lately. We are supposed to get married tomorrow, and I love him to death, I just don't want to be stressed out and fighting with her the rest of my life. It seems like she is reaching into my pockets and taking from MY child. She can jack with me all she wants, but not the kid. He seems like he doesnt really want me to be a part of his daughters life, he made it clear my "boundaries" and basically i'll just be hanging out while he is a parent, and she can run all over me if she wants too. He's not excited about this pregnancy because he's been through it before with the ex. Now BM is wanting MORE money. Almost $700, and we can barely afford $500. Kind of ready to give up. Im so tired of fighting, and he's on edge ALL the time if I even mention the ex's name, and try to ask him how we are going to deal with all this. He tells me don't worry about it...   Note: I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, dealing with that and pregnancy and everything else, and I can't afford to get out of the army to spend time with my child before, or IF, anything should happen in the future. Because of this lovely woman. The responses get even BETTER!  [url]http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/21496239.aspx[/url]

Re: Hot mess on aisle three!

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    edited December 2011
    He makes less than 1k a month is what I got hung up on.
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
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    edited December 2011
    She acts like she didn't know how the child support thing worked when she met him. It's kinda late to b** and moan. She knew he had a kid. That's how these things work.
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I hit the "he doesn't want my ex to know I'm pregnant" and was blinded from when my eyes popped out of my head and stopped reading.
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Another gem:  Same OP, same postWe are stationed in California. BM is in Illinois. He went to see her on leave in June. During which time her Bday and Baptism fell. So he has all these pictures of them, a big loving family, displayed on all his webpages, facebook, myspace, etc. But doesnt even mention me on any of them. He gets mad when I mention it, and throws a tantrum, saying hurtful things like "FINE i'll just take them down". He thinks I don't care about him and his daughters relationship, but really I do, he just won't let me. It's just so wierd to me. Don't really feel like a family here. Like i'm just the odd one out. It would be different if he included me in some things.
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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    These people all deserve each other.
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    jojobrnjojobrn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    THIS: Another gem: Same OP, same postWe are stationed in California. BM is in Illinois. He went to see her on leave in June. During which time her Bday and Baptism fell. So he has all these pictures of them, a big loving family, displayed on all his webpages, facebook, myspace, etc. But doesnt even mention me on any of them. He gets mad when I mention it, and throws a tantrum, saying hurtful things like "FINE i'll just take them down". He thinks I don't care about him and his daughters relationship, but really I do, he just won't let me. It's just so wierd to me. Don't really feel like a family here. Like i'm just the odd one out. It would be different if he included me in some things.OMG. What about this doesn't make her think something is off with her guy and the ex?
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why is she marrying him?  How can the BM get more than half of his paycheck?  Makes me wonder if he owes arrears.Baptism pictures...Doesn't that imply the child is still very young?
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    This response works for me:"I am sorry but I see all kinds of red flags here.  He doesn't want you to meet his daughter but you are about to become his wife????  This doesn't sound right to me at all.  And if my husband ever told me he wasn't happy about my pregnancy because he has "been there and done that" I would be LIVID!!!!! Sounds to me like you really need to rethink your decision to marry this man."Of course, it doesn't cover what a complete waste the OP is, but I guess you can't have everything.
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    jojobrnjojobrn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Not always 6, some churches don't baptize infants. I had a coworker whose child was 5 or 6 years old when she decided she was ready to be baptized. So in theory, the previous child could be older.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I also think he's still married to the "ex".
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    LnR70707LnR70707 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    that is a whole heap of FAIL right there
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    But it still doesn't make sense.  The court looks at incoming and outgoing monies and attempts to make a fair child support payment.  It might not FEEL fair, but if he's making only $1K, a $500 child support payment seems crazy.  I mean, rent, food, utilities, gas?  She's spinning crazy lies.Now, if he pays everything and THEN has $1K left, I can see having a $500 payment.
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Oh, I'm also with Kuus on that one.I don't think "ex" knows about wife #2, therefore, "doesn't want to meet her daughter until she meets me".  Yeah, sure.
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've never IN MY LIFE seen it take that much to raise a kid. $700 is too much?  Ha.She also said he won't be listed on paperwork or he'll lose housing?  WTF?  He's gotta still be married.
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    edited December 2011
    Sounds to me like this guy has two families.
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    edited December 2011
    I couldnt even list him on the doctor paperwork as the father because he thinks the ex will find out and he will lose his housing.She's a dumb ho. The only way he's going to be single and have housing is if he has a dependant living with him more than half the year or if he's an officer or senior NCO. Officers and Senior NCOs make more thank 1k a month.
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Her handle is "RiverRaat"...Oy...
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OMG!  This is one of her responses to another post:Maybe it's wrong or mean of me or the way I was raised but...I think if you arent trying to work, and make enough to take care of yourself and a child, then you should get LESS CS. Why should 1 parent have to work their A** off and the other just coast through life? I freakin HATE that..sorry, goin through kind of the same thing :) FI and I are in the army, and can't afford to get out because of BM. Kinda peeves me
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I sort of see her point about not making one person work extra to support some deadbeat, but I'm not sure what a good solution for that would be. 
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    TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am so glad I decided to pop in. This is just what I needed today. I'm on the two families wagon, but I'm also on the bus to hell because I seriously LOLed when she dropped cervical cancer.
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    edited December 2011
    Why isn't it time for my lunch yet? I made about1400/mo when I was in the Army.  That was over 4 years ago. My bills consisted of gas, car insurance, car payment, cable and cell phone bill. THAT WAS IT. I got BAS because I was a paralegal and worked wonky hours. I think that was $300 a month.WTF are they doing with their money that they can't afford to live?
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
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    jessjo04jessjo04 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    He wont let her be a parent figure to his daughter? I can see a lot of "dont yell at my child" going on... if she ever meets the kid.
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    But Kuus, the system doesn't make you work extra.  There's a worksheet to be filled out with your money before taxes, take out taxes, take out rent, gas, utility, car payment, etc.  They then do a child support payment equation to see what you can reasonably afford vs. child's needs, etc.Other parent is suppose to take care of themselves, CS is suppose to be for the child.  If they're not working, they can try for alimony, but that's totally different from child support.So, this woman's story is just all sorts of hooey and holey.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    No, I know what you mean.  And by extra, I mean more than the person getting the child support is working.  There just seem to be a lot of tales of woe from women marrying guys who are paying child support to unemployed women, and while the child support payment might be the same whether the custodial parents was working or not, these women seem to think it'd be less if the custodial parent were working.  I'm only guessing that they know more about it than I do.
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    edited December 2011
    V-I don't think she' means literally. I know of women who have children and don't work because they view CS as a way to care for them and the child.  
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Well, technically it would be less, b/c they are then expected to contribute to their own child support.  If custodial parent isn't working, they need more money to take care of child.It costs X amount to take care of child.  Dad makes $, Mom makes $.  If D makes more $ than M, he is expected to pick up a greater portion of childcare and vice versa.  If M starts making more original $, D's portion of childcare could be reduced.  It's all percentage and ratios.
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    And yes, Hooka is so right.  That's why it's rather a jacked up system.  And I suspect that BOTH women in this situation are trying to do that.Unless the "ex" is really his wife.
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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Each state has very different rules and calculators for CS.  I've heard that some states take the whole household income into account.  So if the guy gets remarried, his wife's income can be included in the CS calculation. Because family law is done on a state by state basis, there's a shitton of discrepancies between the states.  It also means that it makes it harder to go back to court if the bio-parents are living in different states.  Sometimes, especially if the divorce was decided in a completely different state, no court will take on a case and will refer you back to the court where custody was originally decided.  Even if neither person lives there anymore.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    That's what I thought.  So dad really IS getting the shaft if mom decides to be a lazyass and not work.  That really isn't right at all.
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