Losing control of my wedding?!

jwe1981

Maybe I'm just nervous or just not into the huge wedding but I feel like my wedding is turning into a monster.  I'm a very laid back (normally) woman that is oh-so in love with my fiance.  Also, this is both our second marriage (I already did a big wedding, he got married at the court house).  All I really care about is getting our marriage started.  My fiance and I talked about a small intimate ceremony.  Now Groomzilla is loose and this thing has gotten out of hand.  Really at this point I want to elope and have nothing to do with the big wedding.  This is really not anything that I wanted.  I feel like I'm just showing up with my dress and even that (casual dress) is being criticized as not dressy enough.  I really don't know how I'm suppose to enjoy this but don't feel like a have alot of say especially since his family has decided to foot the bill.  I feel like the only bride that doesn't care about her wedding.

TheDuckis

Well if his family is paying for it, just relax and enjoy it for what it is: someone else's party. The end result is that you'll be married to your FI, and that's all you really want anyway.

babylizz

Planning a wedding is stressful whether it's a big one or small one. You have to appreciate his family offering to pay for the wedding, but, does your FI know how upset this 'monster' is making you? It may be lame to ask, but would a fancier dress make you feel better about having a bigger wedding? In other words, is there something you can do to get excited about the event? Maybe plan a casual after party (and if you get a fancier dress for the 'monster' then you could wear the casual one for the after party). Give yourself something you can really look forward to. Maybe make it a private ceremony for just the two of you then have a big reception.

Some days I get to a point where I want to give up on the planning but I know I can't. I 've got boxes of flowers in my bedroom that need assembled for centerpieces and they've been staring at me since before Thanksgiving. Before they came in I was dying to get started making them but now I'm dreading it. We all have our ups and downs and with the holidays coming up it's hard to even think about wedding stuff....not to mention my relentless workload, my crusade to lose weight, and the on-going court battle with my ex.   

(This is my 2nd marriage and my FI's first but I'm the one who wants the big wedding whereas my FI wanted to keep it to 30 people...we invited 160)
 
Is it your FI that wants the big wedding or his fam that is paying? If it's the fam putting pressure on him to have a big wedding that may be why he's turning into Groomzilla.

Sorry this is so long, to get to the point....
Just talk to your FI. The last thing you need is to be unhappy on your wedding day and the two of you should be working together to make your day special and something you can both look forward to. It most likely means sitting down with his family to talk also, but approach them as a team.

jwe1981

I really think I'm stressing because I just thought that a wedding is suppose to be a representation of who we are as people and a couple.  I realize there are tons of people that would kill for this kind of shindig but I'm such a tomboy and feel like I'm not being myself by inviting people for appearance sake or by having the fancy dress.  I'm trying to have an opinion on things to make it more "mine" but it seems they fall by the wayside because it doesn't fit a theme or color-scheme.  My FI keeps telling me to "chill out" because we haven't decided on a venue and once we do everything will be fine.  We were suppose to have a small, intimate ceremony at his family home but that has turned into an ordeal of remodeling!!  Plus the guest list went from 20-30 people to 75+ so now we can't even have it at his family's house.  My FI is a kind and loving man but very much of an only child (aka he gets what he wants from mom and dad) so he's running around saying what he wants since he hasn't had a wedding before.  The reason I call him groomzilla is because he seems to want a big wedding and is throwing temper tantrums about every little detail.    Finally to the point where he doesn't even want to talk to ME about the wedding.  Just feeling left out of it.  At this point, if something doesn't change, the only thing I'll look forward to is the open bar at the reception. Haha.  Thanks for listening. Having to vent a bit because it seems that everyone thinks I shouldn't be worried about it, despite the fact that the wedding is in JUNE and we've haven't nailed anything down.  Just a bunch of talking on his side of the family.  Maybe I should just enjoy "someone else's party" and be glad of the final result. 

MinM

He never had the big wedding, you did. Let him have his....if you love him oh-so much, wear the big white dress for him and get over it. Worse things could happen.

babylizz

An open bar is something to look forward to. And don't be too bummed out about the 70 person guest list, I mean, how many do you think will attend?

BUT, he should be talking to you about stuff, not just throwing temper tantrums. A wedding is about the two of you, not just him. As previous poster said, he wants it big so maybe you should let him have it big, but, it should still be your day too. This is a very important thing you will remember forever and your opinion should matter. Maybe you and the FI could divy up who gets to pick what (you pick the cake flavor, he picks the flowers....you pick your dress, he picks his attire....you pick the flowers, he picks the colors)

Feel free to vent anytime you need. My FI is so annoyed with the planning at this point he doesn't even want to here about it (much bigger and more involved than he wanted)...I think that's why I've started posting more often.

jwe1981

I guess I just need to sit back and let him have his way.  True, I've done the big deal wedding and he hasn't.  All of my ideas are really leaning toward making it small and casual so I'm not really sure how to share in the bigger idea.  I guess its hard to let go of my idea of the perfect 2nd wedding.  We were just on the same page at the beginning and its changed so much.  If they ask my opinion on stuff then I'll give it.  I'll have to put my foot down about some things.  Like color, flowers, etc.  I have an acquaintance that got married and they had her walking down the aisle with what looked like flowers off someone's grave!!  I'll find some way to get my touch in there even if the overall feel is the opposite of me.  At least if I don't worry about the when where how, I won't be the one stressing.  This could have a very positive side too.   We will see how it goes.  I definitely feel better having other brides to vent to.  Its so helpful.  My MOH is my twin sister and she's kind of flakey so hasn't been too much help or been someone to vent to.  I'm feeling calmer and less crazy today! 

jwe1981

Babylizz, I love your wedding page.  Wish I could get my FI to sit down and do something like that.  My knot website is completely blank. Haha.  Everything looks beautiful.  I know you've got alot on your plate with a DIY wedding.  I love Ebay though. Its such a help.  I've found some gorgeous dresses on there that are a little fancier than what I had in mind but suit me better.  Can't seem to find anything I really like on David's Bridal site.  Still have to do the dress shopping with mom though....after christmas.

babylizz

Glad to see you're feeling better about things today. Figure out what's the most important for you and stick your foot down, beyond that just think of the family as your wedding planners, they get all the stress and you get to show up and have fun.

Thanks about the compliments on the site too. it took me an entire day to get the bio together...and the FI did not help, he doesn't even know that bio site exists...It's got pics of me in my dress so I don't want him to see it. We have a separate wedding website for guests to use but I password restricted it for privacy (has our full names and all the ceremony time/location details in it).

The dress I picked was NOTHING like the dress I thought I wanted. I went into the hunt saying 'no pick-ups' and not too 'froofy' and that's exactly what I wound up getting. Don't limit yourself to David's over price; my dress would have cost $1100 to order new and I found it on sale as a sample gown for only $300 (from a shop in California that had it listed on their site for sale...I'm in Florida). There are also tons of used dress sites and lots of discount dress sites (jaysbridal.net houseofbrides.com   bestbridalprices.com).  I've also heard of brides ordering bridesmaids dresses in white/ivory because they can be just as nice but a lot cheaper. After you go try on some styles, just google away and you'll be suprised at the discounts you can find on bridal dresses.

Also, you can always glam-up a dress with jewelry, a fancy brooch, or even a ribbon. Formal doesn't have to mean big and sparkly.

jwe1981

Thanks for the advice.  I think I'm alot more calm now that I've decided to just let them have it.  I'm pretty easy to get along with but have my own ideas.  I love theknot.  Its kinda helping me figure out what flowers I want, how I want my hair, etc.  And I have found a local company for the cake.  Maybe after the first of the year I'll just take a big legal pad of ideas and get people to pay attention to some of my ideas.  I'm also working more with the budget now and pricing everything so they know full well what they're getting into.  Also, since no one is talking honeymoon, I'm taking it upon myself to come up with some good ideas for that.  I think I'm actually starting to have a little fun with it.  I believe I'll just sit down this weekend and work on profiles and websites.  I'll have my touch one way or another.  Now I"m going online to look at bridesmaid's dresses like you said.  I bet some of those are more simplier styles I might like better.  I've been looking at all kinds of dress websites.  One of my besties suggested Jcrew for the type of dress I want.  They have some beautiful dresses and Ebay has some used Jcrew there too.  I'm glad I decided to write on here.  If not, I might have lost my mind!     

Theresa626

You've been married before and had the nice wedding so you don't feel like you need it again.  Your fiance didn't have the nice wedding.  Remember that it was important to you the first time to have that nice wedding.  It's important to your fiance too.  Just because he's a guy doesn't mean that he shouldn't want a nice wedding and party.  He's going to be your husband and this is important to him.  I think you should speak up about things that really matter to you but as far as just not wanting a fancy wedding..... let it go if it is that important to him.  Try to be supportive of his wants and do the fancy wedding if that's what he wants.  Speak up when something is really important but again, if you just feel non chalant about it, let him have what he wants and think of how happy you are making him.