Prudie: FB and a pretty ballsy wedding guest

Heffalump

Dear Prudence,

My cousin "Bill" is getting married next month to his fiancee, "Jane." They live out of state and have had a short courtship, so most of my family hasn't met Jane.

After they set their wedding date, my older sister "Tammy," who has not met Jane, sent Jane a message on Facebook introducing herself and asking Jane to change her wedding date because Tammy had a conflict. Jane declined, there were subsequent hurt feelings, and Jane decided not to invite my sister to the wedding.

This has caused a problem in my family, as other people are now refusing to go to the wedding because my sister is not invited. I thought what my sister did was selfish and rude, but also that Jane's response was a little much. I talked to my sister about apologizing to Jane to smooth things over, and she refuses. She says she didn't do anything wrong and Jane is crazy for being upset.

My concern here is that this is going to be a feud that will last for years. Can you please help my sister understand why what she did was unacceptable and that Jane's response is not crazy?

—In the Middle

**O-Face**

Holy Hell.    Sounds like something my MIL might do.

Also, what was the response?

DG1

I imagine the sister would be equally pissed if she got an invite to a wedding the bride knew she wouldn't be able to attend. 

Also, how about getting everyone to act like grown ups?  If my brother does something assy and someone calls him on it, I don't boycott that person's events, you know?  Does no one in the family recognize that Tammy is the crazy one?

TheDuckis

What did Prudie say? I basically agree with the writer. Tammy was a jerk for requesting a date change, but Jane was a jerk for overreacting.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_prudie-fb-pretty-ballsy-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1ab9b9ae-de82-439d-8c11-95068629ec94Post:c0bd85c9-311c-4eaa-a2aa-e07e4ff60e13">Re: Prudie: FB and a pretty ballsy wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, what was the response?
Posted by **O-Face**[/QUOTE]
<p>Dear In the Middle,

A key here is what took place to cause the "subsequent hurt feelings." You're right that your sister's request was completely, almost comically, out of line. It would have been best for Jane to keep it in her "You won't believe this" file and to answer politely that she'll regret not having Tammy at the wedding, but unfortunately the date can't be changed. It sounds as if Jane, understandably taking umbrage, upped the rudeness, thus allowing Tammy to play the offended party.

The situation now calls for two interventions. Someone—Bill perhaps—needs to tell Jane to be the big one and to send Tammy an invitation. She should include a note explaining she's sorry they got off to a bad start, but she hopes that Tammy will be able to attend, and if she can't, she looks forward to meeting her soon. Yes, it's a bunch of lies, but that's what good family relations are built on.

Instead of trying to explain to your sister that she's nuts, you should acknowledge to Tammy that Jane's disinvitation was unacceptable, but say brides can be wacky. Then tell her the entire family will be forever grateful if she would let Jane know she's sorry about this spat and wants to put it behind them. If Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston can <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/06/15/2010-06-15_bristol_and_levi_try_to_patch_things_up.html" rel="nofollow">www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/06/15/2010-06-15_bristol_and_levi_try_to_patch_things_up.html</a>" target="_blank"><font color="#660033">patch things up</font>, Tammy and Jane should be able to, too.
</p><p>—Prudie</p>

baconsmom

I don't know that Jane overreacted - the letter writer left out that part. If Jane was all, "I'm so sorry, that won't be possible" and Tammy went on to wage a hate campaign against her, Jane would be justified to disinvite her. 

What was Prudie's response? 

zsazsa-stl

Some people just walk aorund like ticking time bombs, waiting for someone else to set them off.   I would ban both women from any furture events of mine.

hmonkey

i agree with zsa.  no july 4 weiners for either tammy or jane!

loveshine1

You don't ask someone to change their wedding date because they have a conflict. If someone had asked me that, I would have said no. I probably would have sent them an invite either way, but I wouldn't expect them to come or behave like a 16 year old and boycott all future events.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_prudie-fb-pretty-ballsy-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:1ab9b9ae-de82-439d-8c11-95068629ec94Post:35702c30-d35a-4637-8e47-b5467c522908">Re: Prudie: FB and a pretty ballsy wedding guest</a>:
[QUOTE]does it matter if she was disinvited? in the first letter tammy sent, she couldn't make it tot he wedding anyway. maybe jane decided not to send an invitation because she thought tammy wouldn't come anyway, and that is from tammy telling her that there was a conflict.
Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]
That was kind of my thought.  If someone told me they couldn't make it, I'm not sure that I would still send them an invitation.  I don't think it counts as disinviting if they already said they couldn't be there.

nicoleg1982

My fav. line:

Yes, it's a bunch of lies, but that's what good family relations are built on. 

shannahs

I wouldn't send an invite to someone who has already let me know my date doesn't work for them...