Family induced Catholic guilt....

ktrz

My fiance and I were both raised devoutly Catholic.  We both attended Catholic schools and our families are still practicing Catholics.  We however, are not.  We have both bonded over our unique spiritual beliefs and we were planning to have a non-religious based ceremony for our March 2013 wedding.  We are not getting married in a church and want our wedding to reflect our love, not religious belief.  

Today I received a package from my extrememly devout Godmother.  She sent us a Catholic prayer book for spouses, pictures from my first sacrament, a card professing how divine it is to have Christ as the center of your marriage, and note detailing her excitment over our upcoming sacrament.  I feel so distraught as I do not want to create drama with her.  I love her so much and want her to be a part of my day but know that I am going to get bashed with Catholic guilt.  Any advice on how to deal with all of this?  

*Barbie*

"thank you for the gift, it was very nice of you to think of us" then ignore/redirect any future questions/comments.

[Deleted User]

I know how you feel. Both my FI and I were raised in the Christian faith. As we both grew up, we made a decision to leave the church of our own free will. Once my born-again grandmother heard I was engaged she began sending me bibles with her favorite passages emphasized. I told her thank you and donated them. I figured someone else would get better use out of them then myself. I agree with Barbie. Just be prepared to use that over and over again.  Good luck!

ReturnOfKuus

I like Barbie's answer, for the most part.  Or maybe completely.  What's unclear here is whether or not anyone but you and your FI know that you're not devoutly Catholic, or Catholic at all, any more.  That makes all the difference in how this is handled, IMO.

For the record, Mr. Kuus and I were raised devoutishly Catholic, too (not devoutly like normal people, but Slovak devout), and also didn't want a Catholic wedding.  The older relatives moaned and wrung their hands, and we responded by having a Yoruba priest say a small prayer so that it was technically a religious ceremony.  Luckily our families have a pretty good sense of humor.

*Barbie*

my parents and ILs are all very Catholic - attend church for all of the feast days and every sunday. DK and his siblings went to catholic school. they have religious decorations in their homes (moreso my ILs than my parents).

I stopped attending church in college. my husband still attends somewhat regularly. I'm basically agnostic.

i agreed to get married in the church to make my relatives and DK happy. We had my daughter baptized in the church for the same reason. I really didn't care, so I just went along with it. My ILs (especially MIL) tend to make a huge deal out of religious stuff. She gave us this gigantic "Infant of Prague" (Jesus) statue for our wedding shower. I kept it out in the house when we lived int he same city and they visited regularly - now that we live 1600 miles away, the thing is buried in the closet with the rest of the religious gifts that she has given us over the years.
 
the thank you and ignore is generally what i do now. "thank you for the lovely baptism prayer book" *puts it in the closet in case Wolverine is interested when she is old enough to understand* i know better than to get into it with them over religion.

the only time i have ever made a stand is when i was KU and they were telling me that we need to send our kid to Catholic school. NO - we did not buy a house in one of the best ranked school districts in the city/state to pay thousands of dollars every year in school taxes, and then again in tuition to send our kid to Catholic school. I went to public schools, and I turned out just fine. ;-)

ReturnOfKuus

Yeah, I can see why that'd make sense in your case, or in most cases.  It's just perfectly nice people giving you well-intentioned gifts and good wishes.  If the family member in question knows that you're no longer Catholic or doing anything Catholicky, and is upset about it, though, it can be a sort of passive-aggressive move.

ktrz

She does know that my Catholic faith has been in question for a while.  I was engaged previously to a man who raised Jewsish but no longer practicing and told her politely that we'd be having a non-religious ceremony and she made a huge deal about me throwing out my Catholic faith and upbrining.  Next Christmas I received a book about questioning my Catholic faith (sigh).  I'm just not a fan of having to defend who I am to family and I am perhaps a bit too polite and considerate.  

ReturnOfKuus

Ah.  Then yeah, that was passive-aggressive on her part, then.  And if you get upset, she'll turn it around and say "I don't know why you're being so MEAN, ktrz; it was just a gift because I loooooove you and want God's light to shine upon you!"

I definitely like Barbie's response for this situation.  I'd say warn the woman if she genuinely expected a Catholic wedding, but since she doesn't, and only wants to pressure you into having one, just smile and thank her and let her be unshocked at your wedding when it's nonreligious.

ajstewart1985

As a devout Catholic, i do feel the need to drop in my 2 cents.

She may be expecting that you'll have a Catholic wedding, because according to the Church, for a baptised Catholic like yourself to have any other kind of wedding isn't real. And if the Church is as central to her life as your post seems to imply, she may believe the same thing. Also, even if she is aware that your faith is in question, she may not be aware how "in question" it is. It may not be an attempt to be passive aggressive on her part, she may honestly believe that you are going to get married in the church because your "questioning" was just "a phase" in her mind, and that you would know that anything *other* than a church marriage isn't "real".

I'm not, in any way, saying you have to get married in the church to appease your family. It's your life, and your choice. I am just trying to give you the other side of the coin, as she might be thinking about it.

Wzz

i dont think it matters where the OP gets married. if she isn't devout and gets married in a church, there will be people criticizing her that way too. it works both ways.

i agree with barbie. say thank you graciously and move on. you don't have to be a practicing catholic to give someone a polite thank you for a thoughtful gift. and even if your godmother had an ulterious motive or a hidden message, just be the bigger person. let it go.

sarahweddle

Be gracious, tell her thank you and that you love her. If she gets offended, be the better person. Don't let her ruin this wonderful day for you!