Destination Woes

jenniferccook22

My fiance and I don't have a lot of money. So we thought it would be nice to use what little is available to us and have a small destination wedding with family and close friends. However, my defenition of small and my future in-law's defenition is very different. Since my fiance comes from a large family, we're already talking 12 people that are just family (not including my teeny tiny side). Then there are their friends. I understand not wanting to insult people, but if I'm cutting out my own family members to keep it small do we have to invite these people? I've protested before but since they're contributing to the wedding, they feel it is "their right" ( their words) to invite who they want. I'm very confused. HELP. 

ElleB87

Just because someone contributes to your wedding it doesn't give them the green light to decide the guest list.  Why not put your wedding off for a bit and pay for it yourselves?  That way you won't have anyone to answer to other than your FI, or elope just the two of you, which can be done very cheaply.

jenniferccook22

All valid points. I pitched the "elope" idea to my fiance and he won't get married without his family present, and since I'm unemployed it would be him footing the bill (my Dad's not in the picture and my mom just got laid off as well). But something to think about. 

redheadtmk

You and your FI need to decide together what your definition of small is, create a budget, and only then do you give your FILs a specific number of people they can invite. You and your FI should be on the same page before you bring in extended family.

prettyirishgirl

I'm going to agree with PP on that its your wedding and if you have to make your own budget and do it your own way.

On the other hand I also understand the large family bit. My FI has a very small family. His entire family is maybe 20 people (out to 3rd cousins and close friends that are adopted family); my immediate family is 35 (aunts uncles cousins and grandparents). We have considered a small wedding or eloping.

I am currently having to talk to my parents about who can and cant come and priorities. They are very traditional and even though we said we would pay for the wedding they wont hear a word of it. It is hard to confront them, but do it with logic. We made a lot of separate lists. Wedding party, immediate family - mine and his(make a cut off - ours was cousins), our friends, Work, My families list, his families list.

Then we said the prioritized them accordingly. It eliminated arguments because we weren't being mean. We were making it equal for everyone so now no one is fighting about it any more. The other way to do it is that we said we can have 200 guests but we want 150 - that means each side gets 100 or 75 Howeverr you use those 75 is how you use them. If you only want 20 people everyone gets 10  etc.

Good luck but I'd try negotiating and logically explaining before you try moving it and coming up with a new budget, because that can still cause an issue regardless of who is paying for it even if it is you.

jenniferccook22

Pretty Irish Girl, 

You made a really good point. My FI and I have arrived at the negotiation point in the dispute. I have said that if we're going out of the country we will only include immediate family (Parents, our siblings, and their spouses). If we do a destination wedding within the US, we'll keep it to 40 people maximum. If we do it locally, we'll do 80 people or less. Fortunately the my future FIL is very logical and understands my point of view. 

Thanks to everyone who responded :-) 

I'll let you know how things turn out.