A little freaked out. (Need to vent and/or be reassured)

pesematology

FI proposed to me recently. We're also in the process of moving to another city and after the proposal some new complications arose on that front, so a lot of stress is coming all at once.

Last weekend we visited his mom to tell her in person about the engagement, and while we were there he had a cluster of seizures. He's had epilepsy a long time but it's usually well controlled and a cluster of seizures is extremely rare and troubling for him.

He also hit his head badly during one of them. We had his head scanned and he appears unharmed, but four days later he's still complaining of a little bit of head pain and he still seems a bit groggy and out of it.

I'm not asking for medical advice, we already know to follow up with his neurologist. I'm just really worried about the effect that wedding planning will have on him and how able I will be to care for him while also dealing with a new home, new job, and wedding planning.

Wzz

I think it is safe to say that you can hold off on wedding planning until he feels better. I mean, really. why is wedding planning even on this list of concerns.

Wzz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_a-little-freaked-out-need-to-vent-andor-be-reassured?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:212ecb29-42a6-4eaf-a8f8-3f6e0c9f9c73Post:3d89b79c-7251-4576-b5c1-80de01816433">A little freaked out. (Need to vent and/or be reassured)</a>:
[QUOTE]FI proposed to me recently. We're also in the process of moving to another city and after the proposal some new complications arose on that front, so a lot of stress is coming all at once. Last weekend we visited his mom to tell her in person about the engagement, and while we were there he had a cluster of seizures. He's had epilepsy a long time but it's usually well controlled and a cluster of seizures is extremely rare and troubling for him. He also hit his head badly during one of them. We had his head scanned and he appears unharmed, but four days later he's still complaining of a little bit of head pain and he still seems a bit groggy and out of it. I'm not asking for medical advice, we already know to follow up with his neurologist. I'm just really worried about the effect that wedding planning will have on him and how able I will be to care for him while also dealing with a new home, new job, and wedding planning.
Posted by pesematology[/QUOTE]

entropicbeauty

Take it all one day at a time, and if you think that planning a wedding is going to be stressful enough to enduce further seizures, maybe wait until you're settled more in your new environment before moving forward with planning. 

It's okay to have a long engagement and his health(and yours!) is the most important thing.

VarunaTT

You can have a long engagement.  I wouldn't even worry about wedding planning right now, you have way more important things going on.  If someone asks about it, just tell them you have more important things going on.

As for the other things, I would see if you can find support groups/systems int he new city for people dealing with this.  His neurologist might be a good starting source.  This, to me, seems like make a to do list, in order of priorities/importance and start checking them off.  Wedding planning should be hitting pretty low on that.

*Barbie*

i think the two of you need to sit down and talk about what is important -

1) health

2) move/new job

3) planning a party

^yes, in that order. 

focus on the most important items for now and then plan your wedding once things have settled a bit. 

pesematology

We're definitely planning a long engagement. We're not even setting a date until the move is done.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_a-little-freaked-out-need-to-vent-andor-be-reassured?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:212ecb29-42a6-4eaf-a8f8-3f6e0c9f9c73Post:9e4ee57e-718b-461c-bb8e-edb6ac7c3dd2">Re: A little freaked out. (Need to vent and/or be reassured)</a>:
[QUOTE]We're definitely planning a long engagement. We're not even setting a date until the move is done.
Posted by pesematology[/QUOTE]

Then leave the wedding out of this.  If you're bringing it up here, you're bringing it up to him. 

Stop the madness!  Get his health in order, move, enjoy being engaged, and then worry about planning.

*Barbie*

also, be prepared for thing to never really "settle" - soemtimes you just have to do your best to cope. you can't put things off forever, but it makes sense to focus on health and the move before planning a wedding. 

pesematology

I wasn't really asking whether I should worry about the wedding, and I'm not worried about that. I was hoping someone could give me some advice about getting through a situation where I'm scared, I'm kind of freaking out, and I need to be there to support FI and not make him feel more stressed because of my fears and worries.

mrsconn23

What are you scared of exactly? 

If fear is really limiting you that much, you may want to seek the assistance of a professional.

pesematology

I just have general feelings of fear about FI's health. I fear that his seizures could stop being controlled by medication, that the cost of healthcare will be a problem for us, that this haze he's been in for days won't lift, that some kind of damage was done by the cluster seizures, that he could go into status, that when we have kids he will have trouble caring for them, etc.

He's the one who comforts me when I am scared about life and he's not really able to do that right now. He's not quite himself, and I miss him.

VarunaTT

1) That fear isn't going to go away. Obviously this is his state of health and he's going to have ups and downs. Like I said above, start trying to find a support network in the area you're in.  You might want to look into some therapy for yourself, b/c they could teach you some relaxtion/calming tools to get you through this.  B/c this is the life you're choosing, so you have two options: figure out how to deal or get out now.  Well, really there's a 3rd: keep doing what you're doing.  But you seem smart enough to know you're not dealing well and don't want that third option; that's a good step.

2)  Yeah, when you're in a marriage, sometimes you're the one doing all the heavy lifting, sometimes your spouse is and sometimes you get to be equals.  Again, I think you're being smart about where you are, but you have to decide where you're going to go with this. It seems like he's done his share of heavy liftnig it the past; time for you to return the favor.

ElleB87

I have Epilespy too and cluster seizures are unfortunately common for me so I can tell you that what your FI is experiencing is totally normal (with the head pain and being kind of out of it). Like PP's have said, your fear will never go away you have to learn how to cope one day at a time. If you have any questions about Epilepsy I can probably answer them (PM me) and I suggest finding a local support group. Right now your FI needs a ton of rest and absolutely no stress. When a person awakes from a seizure and the people around them are stressed it can actually trigger cluster seizures. You know from the brain scan that his brain is not damaged so he's going to be fine. Find ways to keep yourself calm because if you're calm your FI will be calm. The thing I hate the most is when people get in a huge tizzy over my seizures and make a big deal and it's a huge fuss. I know when I've had a seizure and afterwards I'd rather just rest up and move on with my life.

pesematology

Okay, I'm relieved to know that multiple days of grogginess can be normal after cluster seizures. I've cared for him during and after seizures before but he seems to get back to normal much faster after just one or two.

I'm already sure that I want to marry him and that I'm prepared to help him deal with his epilepsy for the rest of our lives. His mother asked me a lot of questions about that this weekend. I'd rather spend an evening in the ER with him than anywhere else without him. I trust him to do what he needs for his health and to ask for help when he needs it.

BostonGIrl4732

My mom has epilepsy and it took three tries before they got her medication right.  It's scary to watch someone you love have a seizure, but it's just something that you have to learn to deal with.  Find a support group in your new city, find a support group online, whatever it takes for you to feel more comfortable with things.  And you just have to deal.  My mom still took care of me and my sister, she just had certain limitations that we knew about and we respected that (like not driving when she was tired).

Good luck with everything!  It's not an easy road, but you're not the first to walk it so find others who have for guidance!