let's pretend this is kuus's daughter.

hmonkey

Dear Amy:

My daughter, a senior in high school, has fallen madly and passionately in love with a boy in her class. The feeling is mutual.  After three months, the level of intensity makes Romeo and Juliet look like amateurs.

They are never apart, and she has emotionally cut herself off from the rest of the family.  It's as if the rest of the world no longer exists.  I am indifferent to the boy, and get along with him just fine, though I am not thrilled about where this is headed.

He has been accepted to a college out West. We live in the South.

My daughter has decided that rather than go to college (she has offers at three schools), she is moving out West with him and will get a job, set up house and live happily ever after.

She turns 18 this summer, and legally there is nothing I can do to stop her.  Her father and I are distraught but feel that if we try and stop this she will go anyway and turn her back on us for good.

His parents don't have a problem with any of this.

She has no work experience, is an immature 17-year-old and will not even consider other options. Basically she will not listen to anything we say. Before this romance we had a great relationship with her, but now she barely even speaks to us.

Should we just let her go and find out for herself the hard way? The only option seems to be locking her up in her room and throwing away the key. Help!

— Anguished Mom

baconsmom

What did Amy say? 

hmonkey

her response was remarkably measured.

Dear Mom: Don't lock your daughter in the tower. She'll just launch into a tearful soliloquy.  And don't be indifferent to the boy. Get to know him as well as you possibly can.

I suggest you force yourself toward this relationship to keep the door open.  You and your husband should have a meeting with the two of them. Ask them to outline their plans for the future. Listen carefully. No scowling.

Say, "Juliet, you know we don't like the idea of your not going to college and moving so far away. We are very worried you won't be able to support yourself. But it's your life, and we understand that."

You may be able to persuade your daughter to take a year's deferment from college (rather than walk away altogether) or to enroll at school out West. Make sure your daughter understands that you won't finance this junket (other than to make sure she has a working phone).

There is a high likelihood that the relationship won't even survive to next fall, but if she does leave home you want to make sure your door remains open.

zsazsa-stl

She should let her go and then wait for the phone call begging for a airplane ticket home.  It should take less than 3 months. 

NOLABridesmaid

Y'all know she is going to come back knocked up, right?

TheDuckis

This is where I say emotional blackmail through finances is a-ok. My kids can get a free education and live off my dime for four extra years, or they can move in with their high school sweetheart and figure out how to survive on their own. And the minute they choose the latter, the money I would have put into school goes toward knocking down the wall between their room and my craft room, so don't think they'll get to come back in three months and change their minds.

NOLABridesmaid

I'm with Duck. You can do that, but I'm not sending you any money, and I will upgrade my car with your funds.

Do You, Girlfriend.

baconsmom

Yeah, I wouldn't even provide a phone. Libraries have free internet, and I have an email address. Have fun, kid! 

NOLABridesmaid

Maybe it was just my mom, but the sheer agony of having her bitch would cause me to not run off with this dude. My mom can run a subject in the ground. Let it go, old lady.

Add dad's "I'm disappointed in you" speech, and I would have had to let him go. They trained me well, yo.

loveshine1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lets-pretend-this-kuuss-daughter?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:22465fe0-001d-4098-ac00-92bd1bf64881Post:37f21d34-d95d-4636-993b-9b2914723db5">Re: let's pretend this is kuus's daughter.</a>:
[QUOTE]This is where I say emotional blackmail through finances is a-ok. My kids can get a free education and live off my dime for four extra years, or they can move in with their high school sweetheart and figure out how to survive on their own. And the minute they choose the latter, the money I would have put into school goes toward knocking down the wall between their room and my craft room, so don't think they'll get to come back in three months and change their minds.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]


I like your style, TD.

hmonkey

[QUOTE]Maybe it was just my mom, but the sheer agony of having her bitch would cause me to not run off with this dude. My mom can run a subject in the ground. Let it go, old lady. Add dad's "I'm disappointed in you" speech, and I would have had to let him go. They trained me well, yo.
Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]

nola, this was my mom, too.  i could see the sun rise and set, and she would still be going on.  and on.  and the second my dad went from korean to english with the lecture -- hoo boy.

MizBiscuit

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lets-pretend-this-kuuss-daughter?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:22465fe0-001d-4098-ac00-92bd1bf64881Post:37f21d34-d95d-4636-993b-9b2914723db5">Re: let's pretend this is kuus's daughter.</a>:
[QUOTE]This is where I say emotional blackmail through finances is a-ok. My kids can get a free education and live off my dime for four extra years, or they can move in with their high school sweetheart and figure out how to survive on their own. And the minute they choose the latter, the money I would have put into school goes toward knocking down the wall between their room and my craft room, so don't think they'll get to come back in three months and change their minds.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

This was pretty much what my parents did with me, with the added, no school = get out of my house by fall. As much as it hurt when I was 17/18, esp since I didn't have a HS sweetheart to move in with, to be kicked out of my parents house, in the end I have managed to get much further in life then if my parents had let me stay home.

Sometimes the sink or swim way is the best for everyone.

NOLABridesmaid

H, did she follow you from room to room.

me: "Yes, mom." <walk to kitchen />
mom: "And, another thing."
me:  "Yes, Ma'am." <walk to the living room />
mom: "I just don't understand."

I couldn't get away from her.

hmonkey

no -- i had to sit there and listen to everything she said.  she would let me know when i could get up.

there were several times where i thought she was finished, but no.  i'd be lectured at breakfast and then after school, she'd start up again.

it had its bad and good effects: i attribute my memory to her diatribes (because i had to remember ALL the things that she was upset about so i could refute them in my head later (not out loud, oh no)) and i also know it contributed to my inability to let things go.

nicoleg1982

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lets-pretend-this-kuuss-daughter?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:22465fe0-001d-4098-ac00-92bd1bf64881Post:710c66e6-24fb-4f8c-8b85-9a2b931cff7c">Re: let's pretend this is kuus's daughter.</a>:
[QUOTE]no -- i had to sit there and listen to everything she said.  she would let me know when i could get up. there were several times where i thought she was finished, but no.  i'd be lectured at breakfast and then after school, she'd start up again.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto.  However, it only taught me to zone out and look tuned in.</div>

NOLABridesmaid

Ha. I would move to another room because I thought she was done, but was I wrong.

My friends would laugh at me in college because I would hold the phone from my ear, and add a random, "yeah" or "ok" when she was going off about something.

I think I still do that.

Confession:
 
I did something that I thought I would NEVER do in life. I hung up on my mom a few months ago. She was mad at me, and was going on and on.

I said, "Mom, we aren't going to agree, so maybe we should talk about this when we aren't so mad."

Of course, you don't tell Mama Nola that, so her volume increased. 

I let her know that I was getting ready to hang up, so does that count? Anyway, I think she was in shock when I hung up. She called back and I didn't answer, yes, I have NEVER done that. She made me mad.

Anyway, we made up the next day, and all is fine, but now she knows that she will get clicked.

ReturnOfKuus

I'd be giving her The Feminine Mystique and making her give a detailed book report on it now, while she's still a minor, plus all the financial blackmail.

OMG.  I would just be so appalled if something from my loins came up with a damn fool idea like this.