Help with CRAZY mom

matij1rc

Hey everyone,

My mother has done nothing but argue with me on just about every aspect of our wedding. We've been engaged for a month, getting married in 18 months, and she is already at the point where she won't speak to me. I'm supposed to meet with her this weekend to "discuss" the wedding, but I'm afraid she's just going to use the opportunity to try to bully me into doing what she wants. My fiance and I can afford to pay for our wedding ourselves, but my parents have offered to contribute a small amount, (reception), and we said we would love to have them participate/contribute in any way. However, now my mom has become a momster!

She's ticked we are having the wedding outside and not in the Catholic church. 

She's ticked we are having our dog be our ring bearer. 

She's ticked I'm having my best friend from college in the wedding. 

And here's where the trouble gets nasty: About 5 years ago after my grandmother died my mom made some crappy decisions and has since disowned her entire side of the family. Unfortunately for me, she will not even speak to my aunt who I am still very close to, (My sister and II even lived with her for a year in highschool when my parents almost got divorced). My aunt makes beautiful flower arrangements and I want her to do our bouquets and boutonniers. My mom is NOT having it and is extremely mad at me for trying to include my aunt in my special day. Problem is, I love my aunt and she has been a rock for me. I feel it would be extremely unfair to not include her and I don't want to blow a bunch of money on some "professional" to do the flowers because then it will mean nothing to me. 

Now my mother isn't speaking to me, even though I tried to explain very calmly why it was important to me, and suggested many many other parts of the wedding that my mom can participate in. She refuses to see reason or compromise at all. She's stressing me out so bad that the fun feels like it's been sucked right out of the planning. I know she's trying to exert control over me, and I honestly think she's trying to be spiteful to my aunt at the same time. But it IS NOT ABOUT HER!

WHAT DO I DO?

NOLABridesmaid

I'm going to wait for Zilla's answer. She's always gives good answers to these mom questions.

tawillers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-with-crazy-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:242c2a06-4cdc-4d51-9ee6-3d62e3b3d9a2Post:7b9b2f5b-2f69-42d5-9086-b85b4b162813">Help with CRAZY mom</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone, My mother has done nothing but argue with me on just about every aspect of our wedding. We've been engaged for a month, getting married in 18 months, and she is already at the point where she won't speak to me. I'm supposed to meet with her this weekend to "discuss" the wedding, but I'm afraid she's just going to use the opportunity to try to bully me into doing what she wants. My fiance and I can afford to pay for our wedding ourselves, but my parents have offered to contribute a small amount, (reception), and we said we would love to have them participate/contribute in any way. However, now my mom has become a momster! She's ticked we are having the wedding outside and not in the Catholic church.  She's ticked we are having our dog be our ring bearer.  She's ticked I'm having my best friend from college in the wedding.  And here's where the trouble gets nasty: About 5 years ago after my grandmother died my mom made some crappy decisions and has since disowned her entire side of the family. Unfortunately for me, she will not even speak to my aunt who I am still very close to, (My sister and II even lived with her for a year in highschool when my parents almost got divorced). My aunt makes beautiful flower arrangements and I want her to do our bouquets and boutonniers. My mom is NOT having it and is extremely mad at me for trying to include my aunt in my special day. Problem is, I love my aunt and she has been a rock for me. I feel it would be extremely unfair to not include her and I don't want to blow a bunch of money on some "professional" to do the flowers because then it will mean nothing to me.  Now my mother isn't speaking to me, even though I tried to explain very calmly why it was important to me, and suggested many many other parts of the wedding that my mom can participate in. She refuses to see reason or compromise at all. She's stressing me out so bad that the fun feels like it's been sucked right out of the planning. I know she's trying to exert control over me, and I honestly think she's trying to be spiteful to my aunt at the same time. But it IS NOT ABOUT HER! WHAT DO I DO?
Posted by matij1rc[/QUOTE]

You politely decline her monetary contribution and stop talking wedding with her.

What exactly is the reason for the discussion this weekend?  You already know what she's going to do (bully you), so why have you agreed to go?

You don't have to explain or give reasons why something is important to you.  You just do them.  If you want your Aunt to be a part of your wedding in some way, then do it.  If she throws a public fit, she will look like an assss.

She sounds like a real peach.

baconsmom

Tawillers has it. Don't take her money, don't tell her anything. She's your mother, not your warden - you don't owe her any explanations of anything. 

If she starts in on you, simply ignore her or change the subject. "So kind of you to take an interest, mom. Would you like some bean dip?" 

Wzz

does mom usually try to manipulate people into doing things her way by having a tantrum?

i would suggest not allowing her tantrum to affect your wedding planning.

when my sister was 2 or 3, she would hold her breath, fall to the floor screaming and crying, and mom would have to walk away from her. sis would see that no one was responding, so she'd get up (probably still crying), and follow mom out of the store. i'm not even going to get into what i go through with my mother.

i can't imagine she just started to act like this and she will change. if you take her money, then you're opening yourself to her ideas and whatever else she wants to throw at you. i agree with taw, just do what is important to you. if you give in to any of her demands, it will show her that she could keep making them.


ETA - nola, i *love* mom posts, because they make me feel like i am not alone.

matij1rc

Thanks you guys. It is nice to know that I'm not totally alone out there. No, this is not the first temper tantrum she has thrown, but usually they are not directed at me so I have always just avoided her until she stops flipping out. In this case I don't have that choice - I've got to confront her and let her decide her own behavior. It is just so frustrating that she forces conflict on everyone. It's so nice to know that my FH and I are not the only people who think she's being a child. (My dad refuses to take sides (because she'll make his life hell). Thank you for your comments. Planning a wedding is stressful enough without having to deal with a crazy mom!