Long time listener First time caller, LOL

PeachChampagne143

I have lurked for a while, and finally caught the guts to post. I figure I need some honest advice and this is a good place to start. I have a friend who also posts regularly on the nest and keeps telling me there is a lot of advice out there from good people.....

Anyways. I have been living with my fiance for about 9 months now and he asked me to marry hiim. I said yes, but I am not so sure I am ready to set the date even though he is adamant about getting "legit" in his words. I mean, he is great, we get along great, my family loooooves him and they basically encouraged him to propose when I was perfectly fine with living together since we're both not trying to rush into something permanent. But my family has a huge problem with "living in sin" and to him, this was his way of allowing them to accept our relationship with a blessing so to speak rather than listen to the constant comments about cows and milk for free as you know how the sayings all go.

I am just not so sure we need to set the date right away, but he is now starting to get on the ball rolling with setting a date and looking at places to have a reception, but we both still don't have jobs we're happy with. I just finished getting my degree in business management and he's a waiter and still is finishing up school. I have no problem with his job or his career path or his financial situation but there is no rush when we literally just got ourselved to the point that we have a routine, we are financially stable and independant and we are now able to start saving in an emergency fund. I am just sad that I feel like I am breaking his heart when all I really want to do is wait a little longer to set a date, not break up, and I am afraid that if I tell him I am not ready to set a date that he will be crushed and unforgiving. He is very family-oriented and wants a family right away, which is not possible with our current financial situation. I work for a local business that does taxes but it's not what I want to do long-term.

I don't know how to bring this up without not only hurting my man, but also disappointing my family and possibly being made out to be the one who is bringing shame to an otherwise good family. My family loves him and his values and he gets along great with my mom and her sisters and brother. I don't want to ruin this for anyone. I cannot go back to living with my mother.

ReturnOfKuus

It sounds like everyone but you wants this marriage to happen right now, and no one seems terribly concerned about whether you want it right now.

Can you afford to live on your own, with or without a roommate, if it came to that?

hmonkey

y'all know i saw this user name and had a damn heart attack.

zsazsa-stl

Communication is the life and can be the death of a relationship.  Sweeping your feelings under the rug will bite you hard in the long run.  And putting him off without explaining why is also not a good idea.

Bring it up.  Be honest.  Acknowledge his feelings and explain to him how much you care about the relationship but why you need to slow down just like you did to us. 

Starting tough converstaions is a bitch but sooooo worth it.  And it gets easier with practice.

ReturnOfKuus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_long-time-listener-first-time-caller-lol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2558186d-c7c7-4b89-a94d-e1e09498af56Post:4f37abc9-9be9-43ea-80ef-091ba6b7b038">Re: Long time listener First time caller, LOL</a>:
[QUOTE]y'all know i saw this user name and had a damn heart attack.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

I gasped, too, but then realized that the "e" in Peache was missing.

PeachChampagne143

Thanks for being so kind. I picked the name because I had my first peach bellini this weekend and loved it and said I wanted to toast my marriage with it when we do set a date.

That is a relief, I was thinking I was gonna get a lot of flak because if I want to marry this guy, I should want to marry him no matter what, which is what my friends keep telling me, and that if I have cold feet that maybe I don't want to be with him. Really, I just don't see a reason to rush when things are going great right now. Friends keep telling me that maybe I should give back the ring, so is that protocol?

VarunaTT

Yeah, I about suffered a heart attack as well.

Well, part of marriage is having tough conversations, so you're just going to have to do it.

Your first converation needs to be w/your family to tell them to STFU about this to the two of you or you won't be coming over except on a limited schedule.  You are buliding a new family (even when it's just the 2 of you) and that safety, security and happiness of that new unit comes first.  If you remove that pressure from the situation, would FI feel better?

Also, it sounds more like you've got this timeline in your head, but you don't really know his.  You guys need to sit down and hammer out some major details:  engagement until after school?   You want emergency fund, then start saving for wedding, etc.  Make your timelines match.  It might take some compromise, but you'd better start now rather than later.

VarunaTT

Do you want to end the engagement or just wait on the wedding?

ReturnOfKuus

Peach, we used to have a regular here named PeacheChampagne.  She was surrounded by a lot of absurd and self-inflicted drama, but never lost her zest for life.  We thought at first that you were her return.

PeachChampagne143

I definitely want to be engaged, I just don't want to break up over this. But my friends have told me that I am ultimately breaking off the engagement by putting plans on hold indefinitely and I have to give back the ring, and I don't want to break things off. Just hit pause a little. At least I want to just wait until My Man is finished with his degree, and that's not for another 2 years because he goes part time. This isn't a problem but I don't want a wedding to interfere.

VarunaTT

I think you need to stop talking to your friends and start talking to FI.  A lot is going to depend on what he wants too.

There's nothing wrong with a long engagement.

ReturnOfKuus

You know, Mr. Kuus and I got engaged in college, thought better of it, and eventually got married later.  While I did want to break up for a while, calling off the engagement wasn't what made that happen at all. 

Is there an actual ultimatum here, married now or else break up, or are you talking to your friends instead of your boyfriend and getting yourself all worked up over nothing?

LnR70707

I have good friends who were engaged a little over 3 years before they got married.  Their wedding/marriage is no less legit because of it.

BaciBallWedding

If your future husband is right for you then he will accept putting the wedding on hold. I am not saying he won't be angry, hurt, embarrassed, etc. Those feelings will most likely exist and they are understandable. But if you both can get over all the weirdness and resentment, then you will know that waiting made you both stronger as a couple.

Your explanation of your engagement kinda sounds like he was somewhat pressured into asking you. Appeasing families and friends is not a reason to get married. He may find some relief in not rushing into marraige. And who knows maybe after some thought and as the fear of marraige dissipates you will be a little more ready too.

Planning a wedding id the most stressful thing I have ever done. The only thing keeping me sane is knowing I get to marry the love of my life. If I had one single doubt about my future I would have broken it off by now. My advise to you would be to make sure you are both on the same page before you start planning.

Good luch hon!

*Barbie*

it sounds like you are being smart about wanting to wait until you feel more stable to plan the wedding. 

you and your fi need to stop talking to others about this and talk amongst yourselves. 

"i want to marry you, but i do not feel ready right now. I'd like to wait until you finish school and our job situation is a bit more stable. I'd like to continue living together / building a home/ saving for the future/etc."

to me an engagement is just a promise to marry - there are no time limits on when you start planning / how long to be engaged, etc. 

also, there shouldn't be any rush to start a family - especially after rushing into a marriage. spend the time growing/developing your relationship and careers before you have to worry about adding another person into the mix. 

NOLABridesmaid

I got excited when I saw the name too. Y'all drove Peache away.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_long-time-listener-first-time-caller-lol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:2558186d-c7c7-4b89-a94d-e1e09498af56Post:4f37abc9-9be9-43ea-80ef-091ba6b7b038">Re: Long time listener First time caller, LOL</a>:
[QUOTE]y'all know i saw this user name and had a damn heart attack.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

Ditto, except more of a big eyebrow raise/twitch.

entropicbeauty

There's nothing wrong with having a LONG engagement. Plenty of couples have 2-3 year engagements so they can get their lives in order, graduate from college, save up enough money etc.

There is absolutely no reason to rush into marriage, especially if you don't feel financially sound enough to cover all the costs!

If you approach it this way, instead of saying "putting off" the wedding, just ask for a "longer engagement". I think your FI will be understanding of the need to be financially sound.