Never posted before but need advice on FILs

MountaineerBride

I have never posted before, so please bear with me but I need advice and to vent.  My FI is a strict Catholic and was raised this way.  My FI’s Dad converted to Catholicism when he married my FI’s Mom.  I am Methodist and after attending a Catholic school for a bit, I have very strong anti-Catholic feelings.  My FI and I discussed religion before we began engaged and agreed to get married in/attend/ and raise our future children (if any) in the Episcopal Church.

 

My FI and I live in a different part of the country then my FILs and I have only met them a half dozen times before we became engaged and they were very friendly to me.  Now that my FI and I are engaged and we aren’t getting married in the Catholic Church, they are extremely rude to me and my family.  My FMIL says she can’t understand why I won’t convert for my FI.

 

On the day of our engagement party, my FMIL asked my FI, in front of me, if he was actually going to go through with the wedding.  When my FI responded, yes of course, she responded with, are you really sure. At the engagement party, my FMIL told my Mom that she and her husband hate my name, they think I am to strong-will and opinionated for my own good and that they do not agree with my decision to walk alone down the aisle (my father passed away recently and I don’t feel that anyone could replace him).  They have told me that the wedding is too formal and is just away for my family to “show-off” our money. My FMIL called me an elitist snob.  They haven’t offered to pay for anything for the wedding, nor would I expect them to, even though they have the means.  I thought they would  be excited for the wedding.  Now they are refusing to discuss anything wedding related.   Also my FMIL informed my FI her dress for the wedding is navy, the same color as my bridesmaids, she knows this as her daughter is a BM.

 

I am not having an extravagant wedding and I don’t know anyone who would say I am a snob.  I feel that my FILs don’t know me or my family, let along the wedding plans, well enough to say these things.  I have asked my FI to talk to his mom and he says he if does, she will just get mad and not come to the wedding and then she will make his side of the family not come.  I have been smiling and letting all the comments roll off my back without a reaction but I am not sure how much more I can take and I know if I am to discuss this with my family, it will just upset them.  What do I do? And how do I handle this?  I feel if I was Catholic or converting, all this wouldn’t have happened or be an issue.

MinM

Wearing a dress that is the same color as the BMs isn't damnable, is it?

MountaineerBride

I actually could care less what color dress she is wearing, it is one of those things I feel she is doing to try to get a reaction out of me, like the other night, she told me it doesn't matter how I decide to wear my hair for the wedding, she is sure it will be frizzy( I have currly hair).

DG1

I'd just be prepared to deal with this for the rest of your life. And that your FI is prepared to eventually have his mother out of his life, because if she'd threaten not to come to a non-Catholic wedding and have her whole family not come, just wait until the kids aren't raised Catholic.  Woo, boy. 

In the end, this is your FI's problem.  He needs to deal with it and accept the consequences.  It sounds like he basically has to choose between you and his mother - better to have him do that now vs. find out after you're married that he isn't willing to stand up to her for you.  ("If I tell her she can't be in the delivery room, she'll get mad at me and not want to see her grandchild at all!") 

Red flags. There are big ones.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_never-posted-before-but-need-advice-fils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:257b5e91-a8c8-418a-8b60-5fee918ac70bPost:d0c4dba5-f11a-4ac1-92d4-9dbb387f0ad7">Re: Never posted before but need advice on FILs</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd just be prepared to deal with this for the rest of your life. And that your FI is prepared to eventually have his mother out of his life, because if she'd threaten not to come to a non-Catholic wedding and have her whole family not come, just wait until the kids aren't raised Catholic.  Woo, boy. <strong> In the end, this is your FI's problem.  He needs to deal with it and accept the consequences.  It sounds like he basically has to choose between you and his mother - better to have him do that now vs. find out after you're married that he isn't willing to stand up to her for you.</strong>  ("If I tell her she can't be in the delivery room, she'll get mad at me and not want to see her grandchild at all!")  Red flags. There are big ones.
Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

This X1000.

Paulo's Menina Bela

Ditto DG and stop trying to discuss wedding plans with them if all they have to offer are insults. All they need to know is what time to show up. Your FI does need to deal with his mom. His putting his head in the sand now because he knows mom will get upset is just a preview of things to come after you get married.

MinM

I don't know why the color of her dress should warrant a reaction from you? It is not like she went to David's Bridal and picked out a wedding dress to wear.

Be prepared for a lifetime of this if you marry your FI.

ReturnOfKuus

This isn't an issue of religion, I don't think, since they're both forms of Christianity.  It seems to be more of an issue of control.  Will you bend to your ILs' will and change your religion to please them?  Will you change your name to please them?  Will you plan your wedding to please them?  Basically, what MIL is really saying is "I don't like that MountaineerBride won't dance like a trained monkey when I snap my fingers."

The fact that your FI is more worried about her being angry than the fact that she's being outrageously rude and unreasonable says a lot about who he is, and what kind of husband he will be.  I'd postpone the wedding if I were you, at the very least.

vllbabe688

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_never-posted-before-but-need-advice-fils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:257b5e91-a8c8-418a-8b60-5fee918ac70bPost:d7ccd4fb-505b-43f5-a2b8-ad8b3e6511fc">Re: Never posted before but need advice on FILs</a>:
[QUOTE]This isn't an issue of religion, I don't think, since they're both forms of Christianity.  It seems to be more of an issue of control.  Will you bend to your ILs' will and change your religion to please them?  Will you change your name to please them?  Will you plan your wedding to please them?  Basically, what MIL is really saying is "I don't like that MountaineerBride won't dance like a trained monkey when I snap my fingers." The fact that your FI is more worried about her being angry than the fact that she's being outrageously rude and unreasonable says a lot about who he is, and what kind of husband he will be.  I'd postpone the wedding if I were you, at the very least.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

This for sure!!!  Your FMIL sounds like a massive bitch (although she can wear whatever color she wants) and there is no way that your FI should stand for her treatment of you.