How involved is your FI in planning? Mine has bad taste! Vent...

gottadance64

OK, my FI  is a wonderful guy and has a lot of great qualities - kind, thoughtful, gets me and my sense of humor, etc. We've just started planning the wedding and reception and he's already driving me nuts with some of the stuff we're trying to agree on. This is just a vent so no slams against the FI, please, just want some empathy and how to deal with when you and FI disagree on how you want things and how to divvy up stuff.

First, I'm a little surprised by how involved the FI wants to be in some of the details. How involved is/was your FI in planning? I thought that most of the time, the bride pretty much dealt with most decor related items and the guy might have more of a say in music, location, honeymoon, tuxes, ceremony.  The FI has commented negatively on the flowers I like, he pointed out a favor he likes (hideous). How did you deal with this - did you divide up the stuff and each of you tackled your things, but then asked for the other's OK/sign off?

This is a man who when I met was wearing 90s style clothes, so I'm sorry, he loses when it comes to voting on what's pretty/stylish. It's totally that scene from When Harry Met Sally and the Carrie Fisher couple is  moving in together and is arguing about a wagon wheel coffee table. She says, everyone thinks they have good taste but they couldn't possibly all have good taste.

He wants to have a say so in EVERYTHING.  And it seems like it's always the opposite - I wanted a jazz big band (most of my friends are swing dancers), he wants a DJ to play all the gross, tacky wedding standards - Brick House is one that I find particularly offensive at weddings - who wants to see a bride dance to that? TACKY!  He wants the DJ to be open to requests, I do not, because I'm afraid that guests will request songs I don't want played at the wedding (some of our relatives are not the classiest).  I would be fine with a ceremony at the reception place, he possibly wants a church or chapel wedding, so I gave that one totally to him since I really don't care. 

He thinks that when you're planning your wedding you should be focused on the guests' happiness and my feeling is, it's OUR wedding.  I want guests to generally have a good time, but with guests of all kinds you're never going to please them all. They've had their weddings, now it's our turn. ARGH!

entropicbeauty

Whoa, you need to learn how to compromise. This wedding isn't just yours, it is his as well and you should be happy he wants to be involved. I understand it's frustrating when you disagree on something but now is the perfect time to learn how to compromise BEFORE you're married.

I'm doing most things for my wedding but my FI wants to sign off on everything before we move forward with it. I find that if I bring something to him and he disagrees with it, I will either go over the other options we have, or if I'm dead set on it I will explain WHY I want something the way I want it (example would be using price, color, theme, location, ratings etc. for why I want a particular thing)

There have been a few things that we really argued about, but eventually something will give. If it is something he really cares about you need to be prepared to let him have it his way OR find something in between what you want and what he wants.

Don't just stamp your feet and have a tantrum if you can't have everything your way.

Wzz

"He wants to have a say so in EVERYTHING."


He should. it's his wedding, too. i'm sure this isn't an arranged marriage, so you knew who you were going to marry when you accepted his proposal.

melntaitt

Lol my FI is pretty hands off but, like entropic, wants to sign off before we commit to anything which is fair. The few things I put him in charge of he hasn't really followed through with and I had a feeling he wouldn't so I wasn't terribly upset about it. I know when it comes to certain details he's not into it so I'm not pushing it.

Don't let it bother you, but you're going to have to give some here; there's a middle ground in everything so it may just be a matter of finding yours. For example: the DJ is a good compromise because he can play swing music as well as the more contemporary stuff FI likes so there's a suggestion. The requests can be made, but filtered according to your "do not play" list. If you really want that band, just remember your friends may be swing dancers but your FI may not be, so he may not enjoy it as much as you do.

Good luck dear!

L_Woods

So, you want the wedding you want and don't want him to have any piece of a wedding he wants? That's totally fair.

*Barbie*

Just because he has different tastes, doesn't mean he has bad taste. How do you expect to have a lasting marriage with a guy when you can't even manage to plan a party with him? You need to learn to compromise. FWIW, I agree with your FI that you need to think about your guests when planning. What kind of party is it if you are the only person having fun?

E Squared

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-involved-is-your-fi-in-planning-mine-has-bad-taste-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2b88c108-315c-47c4-8bb3-44816be0c108Post:78c45f96-a8bf-490f-8702-da69b9bc13d8">How involved is your FI in planning? Mine has bad taste! Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is just a vent so no slams against the FI, please...<div>
</div><div>This is a man who when I met was wearing 90s style clothes, so I'm sorry, he loses when it comes to voting on what's pretty/stylish. </div><div>[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div></div><div><span style="font-family:Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:12px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span"><img style="max-width:100%;padding:0px;margin:0px;" src="http://i51.tinypic.com/debreq.jpg" alt="" /></span></div>

Hilraythebride

My FI isn't really doing that much planning but I do let him know whats going on and have him okay it before I go forward with it.

He got to choose the ceremony site (his childhood church).  He went to the florist appointment.  He will be picking the favors.  We both picked out the favors and honeymoon spot.

For somethings one of us is more interested in it than the other but we will always check with the other person before we go ahead with it.

The only thing we really had a problem with was the band but then when he mentioned this band we both knew and liked it seemed like a big DUH no brainer moment!

gottadance64

I am totally willing to compromise - if it was between two things that are in good taste. But his taste is...not good. 

gottadance64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-involved-is-your-fi-in-planning-mine-has-bad-taste-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2b88c108-315c-47c4-8bb3-44816be0c108Post:c60c1455-7142-472a-a9cc-4ac56e4abf0d">Re: How involved is your FI in planning? Mine has bad taste! Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]So, you want the wedding you want and don't want him to have any piece of a wedding he wants? That's totally fair.
Posted by L_Woods[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow - thanks for the snarkiness. No - I clearly listed some of the stuff that I thought he would be involved in and I'm letting him completely handle the ceremony location. The issue is that he has bad taste - it's sort of cheesy and stuck in a previous decade or two. I just never knew that a groom would be so involved in decor and that type of stuff - it seems strange to me.</div>

gottadance64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-involved-is-your-fi-in-planning-mine-has-bad-taste-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2b88c108-315c-47c4-8bb3-44816be0c108Post:5666d700-7ce5-4f46-b332-398e064accb1">Re: How involved is your FI in planning? Mine has bad taste! Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]"He wants to have a say so in EVERYTHING." He should. it's his wedding, too. i'm sure this isn't an arranged marriage, so you knew who you were going to marry when you accepted his proposal.
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

<div>If your FI had bad taste would you want him telling you how to decorate, what flowers to get?</div>

gottadance64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-involved-is-your-fi-in-planning-mine-has-bad-taste-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2b88c108-315c-47c4-8bb3-44816be0c108Post:ddcf9211-00ce-4b29-9d43-e169d631ee98">Re: How involved is your FI in planning? Mine has bad taste! Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How involved is your FI in planning? Mine has bad taste! Vent... :
Posted by E Squared[/QUOTE]

<div>I have no idea what this means...</div>

feuerrader24

If either of you are going to hold any resentment toward the other if either of you don't get your way, well....hmmm. If you shut out his suggestions entirely, he may resent not having a say, or that you don't respect or trust his opinions. Can you at least incorporate some of his ideas? Make him feel like his opinions matter to you and you are willing to compromise? Here's my feeling: if the wedding was truly about you two and only you two, then you would go downtown and get married and call it a day. But why throw an elaborate party if the wedding is just about you? The reception is about the guests, too. And the wedding is also about him. My FI is pretty involved in the planning...honestly, he probably wouldn't care too much if I didn't include him (he says he all ready had a wedding and since this is my first time, it should be about me but I disagree) but I run every idea by him. Sometimes his suggestions are great, sometimes not so much, but I let him know I appreciate the input. Fortunately we've agreed on just about everything...dress, colors, theme, flowers. Only disagreement was I wanted him to wear a top hat, he declined (my father will then be wearing a top hat, which he volunteered to do) and my FI really wants a "Tombstone" Wyatt Earp-themed duster jacket in lieu of a traditional tux. Okay, I think it is a bit weird, but it will make him happy and it will oddly work with our theme. It really has to come down to compromise because if you end up hurting your FI's feelings, he will remember it and it could cause future problems.

redheadtmk

My first thought whenever someone says " My SO has bad taste" is to think "well they picked you didn't they?"  My BF is into swing dancing. He teaches swing and ballroom at two different colleges. I enjoy it also. However I also love regular dancing. As do most of my friends from before I started dating him. We will have to figure out a compromise so all of our guests and ourselves are happy.

 You need to compromise with you FI on the music. Either have the band at the beggining for 1-2 hours for dinner music, first dances etc and then switch to a DJ. Or use a DJ that can play swing music and dance music. I have been to several weddings where the RSVP card had a line for song suggestions. This would eliminate some of the song requests. DJ's also take a "do not play list".

As for flowers that seems pretty simple. You get to pick the flowers for the bouquets and then take some of his ideas for centerpieces, aisles etc. If you cant compromise while planning a party you are going to have some major problems ahead.

Happy Bluebird

You're going to have to compromise. This boils down to a giant, expensive party. If you want to keep peace with your soon to be husband you will need to give into some of his wishes, like them or not.

casswhiting

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-involved-is-your-fi-in-planning-mine-has-bad-taste-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2b88c108-315c-47c4-8bb3-44816be0c108Post:13e04157-d308-4833-b6c1-304570a3cff8">Re: How involved is your FI in planning? Mine has bad taste! Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am totally willing to compromise - if it was between two things that are in good taste. But his taste is...not good. 
Posted by gottadance64[/QUOTE]

<div>I have had a problem with my FI wanting to be involved in everything, too. What worked for us was making a list of things that were SUPER important to us as individuals that we wanted for the wedding, then we shared it with each other and explained each choice. For example, my FI is Catholic and wants a full mass for our ceremony; I really want delicious food and to create a memorable night for our guests.</div><div>
</div><div>You both need to make compromises. Maybe he does have bad taste, maybe he doesn't. Try picking things out together and finding things you both enjoy. I know its a bit of a hassle, I didn't think I would have to compromise so much, but trust me when I say that it is very rewarding when you take a step back and look at the BIG PICTURE, which is: do you have a wedding that speaks to both of you as a couple?</div><div>
</div><div>Remember, its your and his day to shine. Make it about both of you, with choices you both pick! And a trick to redirecting his perhaps "tacky" or "cheesy" picks? Think of a "theme" for your wedding to help him follow it, and pick things out accordingly. For example, my FI and I's "theme" is classy, timeless, and a touch of vintage while sticking to our color scheme of yellow, purple, and beige. We are also incorporating winter a bit because our date is in December. :)</div><div>
</div><div>Just things to think about! The trick to redirecting your FI has helped a LOT with mine, who thinks he also has "great taste." ;)</div>

hmw930

Maybe it's not necessarily bad taste, just different Its awesome that he wants to be part of everything, a lot of guys don't know and don't care. My fiancé is the same way, super involved but our tastes are completely different (opposites attract!). Some of the stuff he likes I think is cheesy and tacky, and some of the stuff I like he thinks is too weird or stupid lol, but we've discussed it and are honest and open about everything! The important thing is to take it light heartedly and remember to laugh. When we totally disagree on something we tease each other (in a friendly way) and then defend our choices, and sometimes make it an event with fam or friends, guys vs girls and people vote haha, eventually someone will come up with a compromise you can both live with. We also give each other x amount of veto power and pick the most important aspect for each of us, for example, the most important part to me is photography and the most important part to him was food, so we couldn't use a veto in those categories, but if he picked something I thought was totally awful that I couldn't live with, I use a veto, and vice versa. We've had to come up with some pretty unique compromises and ideas that we've both out a lot of thought into and agree on, so it makes the planning even more fun! It's a huge and special day, but keep in mind, it's only ONE day. And chances are when you finally get to see each other on your wedding day you won't remember any arguments about the flowers or care if they play a couple of "bad" songs...have fun with it!!!

BrooklynBride20

My FI is involved but only in certain areas (his decision). He basically told me the only areas he really wants to have a real say in is music selection and food decisions.  I do most of the planning but once I have made a decision I always show him and ask him for his opinion.  His usual response is; "I like it, especially if it makes you happy."  But I know that he appreciates being included in all the decisions.

mejai1

My FI is somewhat involved but is pretty laid back. He has a clear idea of those things that are important to him and hasn't been shy about speaking up. Flowers wouldn't be one of those things though. But he's definitely clear on what he pictured as a venue (outside ceremony overlooking water) and attire and the DJ (yes, we're having a DJ). He also had some ideas that I disagreed with and we've been able to work those out. 

I agree with PPs that you need to compromise because it's a celebration for both of you guys. Think about how you want people to walk away from your wedding. It sounds as if you're thinking that you want them to feel like it was a "classy affair" whereas he wants them to leave saying, "That was fun!"  Is there a way to do both?

What makes you a couple? Your guests will have to appreciate the idiosyncracies that make both of you.... you....  

mejai1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_how-involved-is-your-fi-in-planning-mine-has-bad-taste-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2b88c108-315c-47c4-8bb3-44816be0c108Post:a7cd909a-758f-476d-b89c-95aaa063107e">Re: How involved is your FI in planning? Mine has bad taste! Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI is involved but only in certain areas (his decision). He basically told me the only areas he really wants to have a real say in is music selection and food decisions.  I do most of the planning but once I have made a decision I always show him and ask him for his opinion.  His usual response is; "I like it, especially if it makes you happy."  But I know that he appreciates being included in all the decisions.
Posted by BrooklynBride20[/QUOTE]

<div>I'd say mine is the same way... I should have read your post first ;) </div>