Wedding Woes

My Attention Craving Sister

I'm 24, my guy is 25.   My sister is 22, her guy is 22 (I think)...  It's always a competition with her..If I get a dime, she wants a quarter and it better be NOW.  When I told her me and my guy got engaged, and the wedding will be in April, she goes off to tell me her guy is giving her a ring and they are getting married too (even though not months before hand she was complaining to my mom and me that her guy didnt want to get married for another 5 years)....
 I immediately told my mom about this and she said "not to worry, even if he does give her a ring, they won't get married for awhile".
 Well at the families Christmas party she was going around telling everyone of the ring her guy gave her that day and they were getting married. At this point I hadn't told anyone on this side of the family because well, not all of them are invited and I want to keep it hush.. Politely, I asked her if it was going to be a big wedding or smaller one (I'm having a very small reception and ceremony), she says "oh small, just signing the papers really"... Ok so supposedly, no reception..just signing papers and getting it over with. Sounds so romantic right??...
 It gets even better... Two days after the Christmas party, my mother calls to tell me my sister had said she wanted to get married in April because that is when her and her guy started dating...By this time I had already made my mind up for April 17, and my mother knew this... She tells me my sister had planned for April 18 or 19!!!  My mother calmed me down a biit and said she's trying to convince her to move it to the summer time, maybe July.  
 I feel sorry for my mother because she was planning on paying for some of the things in my wedding, now she has to fork out more in a small amount of time for my sisters wedding (even though my sister says they are just signing papers, I have a feeling she'll change her mind).   Another thing that bothers me is it seems my sister is forcing the guy to marry her, just so she can show me up... If months before he didn't want to get married for another 5 yrs, why did he all of a sudden decide to marry her right now?...   I don't know what to do... Should I be happy for her or what? I'm so confused... any ideas, help?!!?

Re: My Attention Craving Sister

  • edited December 2011

    Sometimes I think people are a little crazy when they resent someone getting married a month after/before them, but the same weekend?!  Your sister needs to respect your wishes since you had planned first and either have hers in March or before or May or after!

  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    While I do agree that your sister sounds a bit off-center the reason she behaves in the manner in which she does is because the people in her life feed it.  You get upset, or your mom coughs up money (when paying anything is never required).  So, she wants attention, the people in her life give it to her, so she has learned that doing things like this yield the result she wants.  Negative attention is still attention.

    Just ignore her when she is doing things to seek attention.  When someone that wants attention doesn't get it they stop the action when they realize it isn't getting them what they want.

    Your wedding and her wedding, aside from the fact that you are family, are not related.  She is entitled to get married when she wants and in the manner she finds appropriate.  Concentrate on your FI and planning the wedding you want.  Your attitude (she's only forcing him to ruin my day) isn't going to get you anywhere so let it go.

    I'd bet that if you just roll with the punches for a bit she'll get bored and realize that this isn't getting her anywhere and the wedding, in the end, never occurs.
  • edited December 2011
    She didn't *know* you guys were thinking about April, correct? You had talked to your mother about it, but not your sister.

    Also - why are you getting so offended that your idiot sister wants to show you up, even if it means ruining her own life?

    Really, I'd take Duckie's advice. Just do your own thing. If she comes, she comes. If she doesn't, oh well. Also I'd start planning to spend more out of your own pocket so Mom isn't stretched too thin.
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I think you all need to hold off on wedding plans until you grow up.
  • edited December 2011
    "I think you all need to hold off on wedding plans until you grow up."...  I'm 24, I own my own house and business... I think I'm plenty ready to get married to the man I love and have been with for 5 yrs now. Thanks...
     My sister on the other hand, has been with her guy for 2 yrs. They don't even sleep in the same rooms, he has his room, she has hers.... If anyone needs to grow up it's my sister...

    As for the others,  I haven't said one thing to her about it, but my mom has. Mom wasn't giving any negative attention to her other then asking to maybe move the wedding to a later date..Would that be considered negative attention?  I can't just ignore my sister... I either have to be nice to her or make her angry by telling her what I really think... Either way she's still getting something out of it...

     YES I did tell her when I first told her about the wedding it was going to be in April, just wasn't  sure of the date (I says so In my first post)... ;p my mom offered to pay for some of the things, even though I've told her a million times she doesn't have mom wants to pay for some of her daughters wedding... I can't force my mom  not to do something she wants...
    " Also - why are you getting so offended that your idiot sister wants to show you up, even if it means ruining her own life? "

     I actually do care for my sister, it's sad she has to show me up on everything why can't she be happy with what she has...We don't talk or hang out, only see each other on Holidays...It bothers me that she is still competitive... I don't want her to ruin her life because of what I'm doing.... I'd rather care and figure a way to stop the constant competition, then ignore it and continue with the way things are...

  • edited December 2011
    Everyone's relationship is different. I know people that have been married for 20 years that sleep in different rooms. While she may be doing this just to drive you crazy, you need to concentrate on the fact that the reason you are getting married is bc you want to start your life with the man you love
  • edited December 2011
  • edited December 2011
    I would tell your sister of your wedding date. If she insists hers will be the next day, I would say "I'm very happy for you, but sorry I will not be able to attend, as I will be on my honeymoon. Best wishes!"

    And make sure you send out save-the-dates early if you are going to have your weddings in different places and will be inviting some of the same guests.
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  • edited December 2011

    That sounds like my situation except we said we wanted a destination wedding. All of a sudden we have an engagement and ANOTHER destination wedding in the family. Did I mention everyone was complaining of finances before their destination wedding was set? We are trying to take the high road since the family realizes the problems the second wedding/couple created. Probably the reason more people are looking forward to our wedding (so they say).

  • edited December 2011
    Maybe she is jealous?  I announced my engagement to my coworkers and one was not happy because she wanted to get married so badly and has yet to be proposed to (eventhough her and her boyfriend have been together for almost 10 years).  But your sister having her wedding a day or so after yours?  That is not right.  I know you care about your sister but this is a very rude and unfair thing to do to you.  Maybe you can talk to her, sister to sister, and come up with an agreement.  I know that you cannot make her change her date, nor will you change your for her, but maybe talking and explaining that having two wedding fom the same family so close is silly.  I am sure you want her to share your happiness and in turn hopefully she wants you to share her happiness.  I say try to have a talk with her.  If she does not/will not listen, then you may just have to go ahead with your planning and try to not worry about her. 
  • edited December 2011
  • edited December 2011
    If all she's doing is going to a courthouse and signing some papers two days after you, I don't really see how that's showing you up.
  • edited December 2011
    I think Wedding Fever goes around when you hear of a family member or a friend getting married.

    It sounds like your sister has not really though about it. I personally would not take it too seriously. If you have planned the wedding and looks into things (which I am sure you have) you know how much goes into it.

    I would go with your gut on this one. Or go with you mom.

    I have learned that moms are right about things like this, haha :)
  • edited December 2011
    Uh! I can COMPLETLY relate! And it's a horrible feeling!!! YOur sister is supposed to be there for you, enjoying your time with you, and could try to show som edecency and respect to you. Plus, why make it a competition when she can wait a little while and then have you share her time with her?

    Ii'm so sorry sweetie, but sometimes, people don't get it, even when they're from the same gene pool. And Even though it sucks, and you shouldn't have to do it on your big day, and durring your big time, it sounds like you're just gonna have to suck it up and do everything possible to be the better person.

    I'm personally going to my moms and having coffee while probably bawling my eyes out later over similar sister drama. Sometimes you just gotta get it all out, then suck it up and put your big girl panties on.

    Cheers to you sista!
  • edited December 2011
    I can relate as well, although my sister is not quite so bad. She's been "competing" with me since we were kids, and ever since I told her I was engaged I know that she's green with envy. She's my MOH and whenever we talk about plans for my wedding or look at magazines & pics to get ideas, etc. she always steers the convo toward, "that's nice I guess but for my wedding I want . . ." Which I do understand to an extent b/c all girls like to fantasize about their wedding, but this is my wedding and as my MOH/sister I wish she would focus more on being supportive/helpful and less on telling me all the things she doesn't like.

    Despite that, I know that it is in her nature to seek attention (she's the middle child and plays it to a T) so sometimes I just take a breath before I say anything and humor her because she's my sister.

    Your situation is definitely unfair to you, but you don't want this to cause a permanent rift between you and your sister. You also need to remember that regardless of when her wedding is or when yours is, you want her to be at your wedding and you should want to be at hers. You should probably try talking to her about how you feel but if you don't think that will help, then just focus on planning your own wedding. You could also try the "kill 'em with kindness" approach ..  and tell her that if she needs any advice or references or anything, you'll be happy to give her some guidance. I know it might not be your first instinct, but if your sister's anything like mine, she wants to get a reaction out of you and if you show her that you're "the bigger person" she might actually respond in a positive way because she'll start to feel guilty. Good luck!
  • e_ueckere_uecker member
    edited December 2011
    I agree with shawnee. Plus you can't say that only two years isn't long enough to know. Some people are together for a lot longer and still make the wrong choice. You can't judge that. My advice sounds like she's having a court house you shouldn't be jealous. Not that that's a bad thing to do..but it's not showing you up.It's just her trying to through a wrench in your plans...don't let it.
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