Kuus and other Only Children

AuntFlo

What are your feelings about being an only child?   Pros/Cons?

I'm not thrilled with the idea of DD being an only child, but at this point I think that's what she'll be.  

ReturnOfKuus

I'm not sure.  On one hand, it'd have been nice to have my parents' crazy distributed over a larger surface.  On the other hand, if you're relatively sane and don't overparent your kid, I'm sure it's fine.  Overall, I can't make much of a comparison, since I know both people who adore their siblings and people who loathe them, and it seems to be a real crapshoot.  Being an only child means that you have that middle ground, nothing great sibling-wise, but nothing terrible either.

AuntFlo

On the other hand, if you're relatively sane and don't overparent your kid, I'm sure it's fine.

There's my answer.   Time to babydance.

We have a friend who is an only child.  His mom recently died - - relatively young, that bastard cancer took her.   I just couldn't imagine going through that alone.   I mean, I know he isn't alone, but wouldn't it be better/easier to go through something like that with a sibling?
I know you don't know the answer to this - - it's just one of the many things that is influencing me.   

Butter Cookie

Uh. I'm going to weigh-in, since I identify as an only.

I will say: I did wish I had (involved) siblings as a child but I think it left Mom and I more time to get to know each other, and there is a selfish part of me that enjoys having her all to myself, and there is no guarantee that you will have a close relationship with your siblings. Because I did not have siblings I did learn to spend a lot of time alone and my imagination is probably more active because of this. I didn't have to share with anyone - toys, Mom, my room - nothing.

On the other hand when she passes I'll feel totally orphaned and have no support from anyone that also grew up with her. The only memories available about Mom in the years I have known her will be my own.

In the end I think there are probably more benefits to have more children (adopted, biological, whatever) but the lifestyle is probably totally different for siblings.

baconsmom

Parenting pros: 

- It's so much easier to do fun, possibly expensive stuff. We know we only have to pay for 3 plane tickets or 3 passes to Disneyland or whatever, and that makes it a lot more attainable. We're also able to go out to eat or to the science museum/zoo/whatever we don't have a membership for.

- You don't have to plan around the youngest. Bacon can do what she can do, and we don't worry that she'll be bored because we have to stay in the baby pool or only see G-rated movies or something.

- No sibling fights to listen to/mediate. 

- No trying to figure out who started it or who broke it. 

- Kid can't lie. Okay, she can try, but Bacon gave it up pretty early on, when she realized that there are no ghosts who eat sugar out of the sugar bowl or make messes and don't clean them up.

- Once you figure out what works for that kid - to discipline, to motivate, whatever - you never have to figure it out again. You only have to get used to one personality.

Cons:

- She'll want you to play with her. A lot. And you'll have to make sure any board games you buy are two-player. We play a lot of cards for this reason.

- You may have to deal with "why don't I have siblings" issues. We don't: Bacon doesn't want them. But I've heard that other onlies have begged for sibs; you may have to explain to your kid sooner than later why it won't happen.

- People are assh*les. Seriously. "Why don't you have more?" "You HAVE to have at least two!" "You'd better start working on that second kid!"

Seriously. I don't have really any negative feelings about our infertility, but if I did, can you imagine? It's been almost seven years; there are no more children coming, folks. Or if there are, we'll be mightily surprised, frankly. And insinuating that my family isn't complete or real or that my daughter isn't "enough" is so rude. So. Rude. 

On the whole, we love our little family. We love having an only, and the lifestyle that goes with it. 

dharmabunny

Teh Ossum!

Pros being that I got all the child-centered attention and resources.  No splitting college funds because this sib needs equal share.  That's not the same as getting "spoiled".  Not everything was handed to me just because I pouted and asked.  And I think that's where I got my ferocious independence and learning to navigate on my own (although independence seems to be a dirty word in the child rearing arena these days).  Granted, my parents really enforced independence, that my mom was not my at-call play buddy.  I had to learn to amuse myself.

The cons: taunting by snotty siblinged individuals that insist that I must be deranged, and that I act like "the only child".  Excuse me, is this so horrible?  Can get lonely in the house at times, but I learned how to cope.  And getting older into adulthood, everything will fall on my shoulders (attending to parents' estate once they are gone, long term care, icky dementia conversations), and I'll be an orphan, figuratively.  That extension of my childhood blood nuclear family will be gone forever once my folks are.  That's kind of an unsettling feeling at times, even at 30+ and also liberating.  I never was raised around other little children, so the childrearing thing is like, "what? huh?"  Maybe it contributed to me not always having a bevy of friends all around me at all times, but hey, I think I did OK. 

Oh yeah, and I'm a creepy invisible interwebz 40 year old hirsute masturbator   Take that FWIW.

dharmabunny

Andplusso a lot of these issues can be thwarted by some proactive parenting, i.e. not parent as if there could be a potential sibling, but the entire family is there as it stands.

loveshine1

I'm an only. My parents wanted at least one more, but they had fertility issues, and they gave up after 10 years of trying.

As a child, I didn't miss having siblings much, but I do miss it a bit as an adult. Especially for the reasons that BC stated.

I don't look forward to being pregnant again, but we'll probably have one more.

loveshine1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_kuus-other-only-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:35435a55-4feb-4672-89e7-960fa9b33611Post:b56e2465-4c6d-45bd-8694-8745a2df1d7e">Re: Kuus and other Only Children</a>:
[QUOTE] Granted, my parents really enforced independence, that my mom was not my at-call play buddy.  I had to learn to amuse myself.
Posted by dharmabunny[/QUOTE].

This, exactly. I played independently as a child most of the time. It wasn't mom's job to amuse me.

Butter Cookie

From a parent POV Mom has mentioned on occasion wishing she'd given me a sibling to play with, but is generally happy she only had me.

AuntFlo

I'm in no way influenced by what other people think of my family size.   As far as everyone who knows us is concerned, they think we are a complete family and have no plans to "add on." 
DH and I have been all for having 1 kid up until a few months ago.   A lot of things have happened that are making us question this decision and at this point we are trying to gather as much info as we can to make sure this decision is final before too much time goes by.    Because if we do add on we don't want the kids to be too far apart in age, plus I'm not getting any younger.  Plus, plus I refuse to do hormonal BC anymore so we need to explore those options.

So really, I'm just trying to gather info from the child's perspective.   I want to do what's best for her/them.   (If any of this makes any sense to anyone, I'll be shocked.)

VarunaTT

I hate being an only child and as I get older, it gets worse.  I'm super jealous of people with siblings, even the ones that suck.

I also have another friend who had a great statement about this when we were talking about it (b/c he was unsure about just adopting one child).  No one else knows what it was like to go through my childhood, like his siblings and he share/do.  And even though he and his siblings don't always get along, he can call them re: his mother/father's crazy and they have an immeidate shorthand language of shared experiences that no one else knows or understands, even when fed the back story.  It's unique.

GBCK

Bacons covered most of what I was thinking.

I will say, not having other kids doesn't HAVE to leave your kid 'siblingless'--I mean, I talk about my 'almost sister'; her dad and my dad were BFFs.  As far as family is concerned, she IS family.  She just isn't biological (she's an only)

The other 'con' of 'distribution of crazy' also does follow distribution of stress--but that's hardly linear.  I mean, it'd be easier on my dad if he wasn't an only, hence being the only person caring for my grandparents.
But my mom's 4 siblings actually make caring for cracy grandma HARDER because they bring their crazy (and theivery and what not) into it.
(on the other hand, the Mr has 2 remaining grandmothers--as much stress as it can be , the one is made easier by his aunts and uncles helping care for her)

I will say, The assumption that siblings = partners and BFFs and what not is frustrating.  I know more than one person who I believe fully that their life would be easier if they didn't have their crazy toxic sibling. 

(I'm migraine-ish incoherant but...uhm, this is a discussion in the GB household recently too)

AuntFlo

I will say, The assumption that siblings = partners and BFFs and what not is frustrating.  I know more than one person who I believe fully that their life would be easier if they didn't have their crazy toxic sibling. 


I am in no way under this assumption.   I have an older brother who I hated while we were kids and can tolerate as an adult.   I do like his wife and their kid, so there is that.

DD has several cousins and DH's BFF has 3 boys, so I know she'll always have playmates.

MinM

I can give you all the reasons why I *wish* I was an only later. Basically, when my parents divorced after my youngest sister was born, my childhood stopped & I was treated like a co-parent. At eleven, I babysat, changed diapers & cooked, did laundry, etc. I had another sister who was only a year younger than me, but she was flaky, so she'd run errands with mom while I stayed at home with the baby. I resented this very much. As soon as I got a car, I ran the errands, took baby sis to school, worked pt & went to school. I ran away to college as fast as I could. As adults, each of us could not be more different. There is no way we are going to agree on how to handle mom's estate. She has her money sorted out, but won't discuss her funeral or burial preferences. I know this will cause fights. Don't assume your children will like one another. If mom had stopped with me, I might not have had to be on free and reduced lunch, I would have had things that were my own (when sibs are 14 mos apart, there is no 'your's' and 'mine'), my relationship with my mother would be better (my arguments with my sibs strain that), and when she passes, I could just make decisions and deal with it without fights.

VarunaTT

I should also add, DH is one of three brothers.  He doesn't speak at all to one of them now, going  on a year.  The other, well they talk and we visit, but they aren't close.  So even good/mediocre siblings =/= BFFs, y'know? 

GBCK

Srry, didn't mean to imply that WW was under the 'sibling = bff' assumption.

And, hell, I'm a prime example that siblings can be tight/bff/etc.  I adore my sisters (and my almost-sister) beyond the norm. 

But...OH, y'all reminded me I have a BIL story while I wait for a response to my urgent email to bosslady.

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_kuus-other-only-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:35435a55-4feb-4672-89e7-960fa9b33611Post:895b9b3a-9afb-40fb-b91d-3137a64f66f7">Re: Kuus and other Only Children</a>:
[QUOTE] No one else knows what it was like to go through my childhood, like his siblings and he share/do.  
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

<div>My brothers had nowhere near the same experience I had growing up with our mother. No way. They have told me that she couldn't possibly have been as abusive as she was, that I'm making it up, that they didn't see it. </div><div>
</div><div>I love my brothers, and I love my family, so we don't talk about it, but thinking that your siblings will have experienced the same upbringing you did is a fantasy. </div>

[Deleted User]

I've been thinking about this too. My thinking is more in line with Varuna's. I want DS to have a shared history with someone.  My sibs drive me crazy but I love them to pieces.

GBCK

I'll echo Bacons re: 'same experiences'

It took us about 8 years for baby-sis and I to convince Bigsis how BSC mom became when she moved out.
And we're all close--she normally doesn't doubt us on such things.
But the crazycakes wasn't shared.

MinM

Yes! The youngest MinM sister was essentially an only. She doesn't remember Dad, while I bear his scars. Middle MinM sister was his favorite. I argue we all grew up in different houses.

+candi+

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_kuus-other-only-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:35435a55-4feb-4672-89e7-960fa9b33611Post:d324b476-4668-49cc-933c-ed58c700ebca">Re: Kuus and other Only Children</a>:
[QUOTE]On the other hand, if you're relatively sane and don't overparent your kid, I'm sure it's fine. There's my answer.   Time to babydance. We have a friend who is an only child.  His mom recently died - - relatively young, that bastard cancer took her.   I just couldn't imagine going through that alone.   I mean, I know he isn't alone, <strong>but wouldn't it be better/easier to go through something like that with a sibling?</strong> I know you don't know the answer to this - - it's just one of the many things that is influencing me.   
Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My mom died when I was 11 and my sister was 7. I can't imagine either one of us going through that alone. Especially since we had no other family except a mean grandma and some distant cousins.</div><div>
</div><div>Autumn struggled with Ethan being born and it was understandable. There is a 5.5 year age gap. It is getting much better though, just in the last few weeks. She loves him. We are seriously considering a 3rd, in a couple of years maybe, and I hope that both she and Ethan are happy about it. 

</div>

VarunaTT

I don't think my friend meant OMG WE'RE THE SAME!!!  B/c the three of them all came from an abusive family, but what happened to the 2 boys was different from the 1 girl.  The way he explains it is more in relation to a shared language, like a culture almost, that the 3 of them have together that no one else can share in.  We all belong to a culture, but our experiences within that culture can be very different be it being women, living in a certain city, being Polish, Hispanic, African American, etc.

NOLABridesmaid

I'm only here because of my lonely 4 year older sister.

Thanks, Sis.

We're very close, and I love her to death. Yes, she pushes my buttons, and I'm mad at her as we speak, but she is also my best friend, so we usually make up fairly quickly.