Wedding Woes

My parents think my fiancee drinks too much but we don't....

OK here's a little backstory....When I met my now fiancee, he drank beer(s) mostly every night and had several on the weekends. He also smoked roughly a pack a day. Shortly after starting to date, we found out I was pregnant. He began trying to change to make himself better for his new family. He got a 2nd job as well as picking up a few web site design jobs on the side. This is in addition to his FT job. About 18mo after our daughter was born he got a new job, with the same company, in a different (and higher paying) position. He still does website design on the side.  When I was pregnant, he cut down his drinking significantly and tried to cut down his smoking. When Alyssa was born, he no longer drank daily and wasn't even really drinking every weekend, just occassionally if we were just relaxing on the weekends, having a BBQ, on vacation, or at a restaurant. My parents often approached me about his drinking, constantly thinking it was too much, never taking into account the positive strides he'd taken. 3 months ago, he quit smoking. YAY!  Every now and again, when we are together, my parents will give him a cursory, "we're so proud of you," but my mom always seems to focus on something else that's wrong with him; his hair needs to be cut, stop wearing a hat so much, get your teeth fixed (he had to have a few pulled due to decay prone teeth. Only molars, NONE in the front! HA HA HA!). Last weekend, my mom, dad, sister, brother, Justin, and I all went to Vegas for a soccer tournament. The first night he had 2 Coors lights with dinner, the second day we went out to the pool and he had about 4-5 Michelob Ultras, and the 3rd day he had 1 24oz Coors Light during the soccer game.  On the way to the car, my mom flipped her lid and turned on him, saying, "You'd better get your drinking under control or we will NOT support your relationship OR this wedding." Then she turned to me and said, "And you better get a f*cking backbone and stand up to him instead of sticking your head in the sand all the time."  After returning home to Phx, several emails were exchanged between Justin and my mother, mainly her telling him he has a problem. Her and I spoke one day outside of my work and I recounted ALL the changes he's made since meeting me and having our daughter. I told my mom that nothing he did ever felt good enough and that once this situation blew over, she'd just get bored and start looking for something else to criticize. Obviously that didn't go over well, and my mom freaked out, started crying and stomped off. They asked to have a "meeting" with Justin and he said no. My mom told me that they would NOT give their blessing until he agreed. He did then, but my mom asked if just she, my dad, and I could meet without Justin. I have NO idea what's going to happen and I fullly stand up for him no matter what, but I'm also very close with my family....What do I do?!?!?

Re: My parents think my fiancee drinks too much but we don't....

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parents-think-fiancee-drinks-much-but-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:36ef42ce-b223-48f9-ad92-7d595377f8d6Post:2eee6851-6053-439c-b065-508612bea6fa">My parents think my fiancee drinks too much but we don't....</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK here's a little backstory....When I met my now fiancee, he drank beer(s) mostly every night and had several on the weekends. He also smoked roughly a pack a day. Shortly after starting to date, we found out I was pregnant. He began trying to change to make himself better for his new family. He got a 2nd job as well as picking up a few web site design jobs on the side. This is in addition to his FT job. About 18mo after our daughter was born he got a new job, with the same company, in a different (and higher paying) position. He still does website design on the side.  When I was pregnant, he cut down his drinking significantly and tried to cut down his smoking. When Alyssa was born, he no longer drank daily and wasn't even really drinking every weekend, just occassionally if we were just relaxing on the weekends, having a BBQ, on vacation, or at a restaurant. My parents often approached me about his drinking, constantly thinking it was too much, never taking into account the positive strides he'd taken. 3 months ago, he quit smoking. YAY!  Every now and again, when we are together, my parents will give him a cursory, "we're so proud of you," but my mom always seems to focus on something else that's wrong with him; his hair needs to be cut, stop wearing a hat so much, get your teeth fixed (he had to have a few pulled due to decay prone teeth. Only molars, NONE in the front! HA HA HA!). Last weekend, my mom, dad, sister, brother, Justin, and I all went to Vegas for a soccer tournament. The first night he had 2 Coors lights with dinner, the second day we went out to the pool and he had about 4-5 Michelob Ultras, and the 3rd day he had 1 24oz Coors Light during the soccer game.  On the way to the car, my mom flipped her lid and turned on him, saying, "You'd better get your drinking under control or we will NOT support your relationship OR this wedding." Then she turned to me and said, "And you better get a f*cking backbone and stand up to him instead of sticking your head in the sand all the time."  After returning home to Phx, several emails were exchanged between Justin and my mother, mainly her telling him he has a problem. Her and I spoke one day outside of my work and I recounted ALL the changes he's made since meeting me and having our daughter. I told my mom that nothing he did ever felt good enough and that once this situation blew over, she'd just get bored and start looking for something else to criticize. Obviously that didn't go over well, and my mom freaked out, started crying and stomped off. They asked to have a "meeting" with Justin and he said no. My mom told me that they would NOT give their blessing until he agreed. He did then, but my mom asked if just she, my dad, and I could meet without Justin. I have NO idea what's going to happen and I fullly stand up for him no matter what, but I'm also very close with my family....What do I do?!?!?
    Posted by jamiemckeel[/QUOTE]

    Well, yoiu've said how much 'less' he drinks.  'less' is a relative term.  DOES he drink to much?
    And...why are your parents this enmeshed in your lives?
  • Is there another reason why they may not like him, and the drinking is just an easy way to get at the both of you?

    I think thats great that he has cut down drinking, and no longer smoking! I personally only drink every now and then (so does my FI) and my personal choice has more to do with calories and health haha! So I don't judge people who drink as much as your FI, that sounds like a normal amount for someone who drinks. 1 drink every day is ok, lots of people have a glass of wine with dinner. OR a couple on weekends, holidays etc. Maybe not both. It doesn't sounds like he is getting wasted, or abusive, or anything like that.

    Do your parents drink at all? Do you drink at all? I think the easiest thing would be for him to just not drink around your family, as they obviously have a problem with it. If he doesn't have a drinking problem, then that would be easy for him. I know that he shouldn't have to give up something that he enjoys, just to please your parents, but sometimes it's just easier.

    If they then still have a problem with him (hats, hair cuts etc) then I guess you would have to tell them to grow a backbone and start supporting their daughter, tell them you are an adult and you make your own choices, and if they don't like them, keep it to themselves!

    I feel very frustrated for you, good luck! My FI and I have a little rule, that if the other askes for something (like "babe can you get me a drink") then the other has to get it, if I ask, he has to get it. If he asks, I have to get it. We think it's funny. It makes my Mum so mad, and she thinks I am being treated like a slave, I try and explain that we have been doing in for ten years, it's just our "thing" and she doesn't get it. So we just don't do it around her, so I don't have to hear about "womens rights, a wife is not a slave blah blah" and it's all happy families.
  • If I was your mother I'd have a bigger problem with the fact that he drinks really really shitty beer. Michelob Ultra is what, .5% alcohol? You need way more than 4-5 of those to be anywhere close to drunk. And Coors Light? You might as well drink urine.

    Is your mother a teetotaler? It sounds like any amount of drinking is too much for her. Maybe she has issues with your FI that she can't or won't vocalize, and this is her way of making her displeasure known without admitting the real problem.

  • I'm curious about your parents view on drinking in general. Do/did you ever drink around them? If it is something they are not used to, and everytime they see him, he is drinking, that would explain them being weirded out. Now that doesn't mean it's right of them, I'm just trying to figure out why they are so offended by it. FI and I usually have wine with dinner, or maybe a couple beers while watching a movie (my dad has been in AA for 24 years and takes no issue with this) so I see nothing wrong with what your FI is doing. And that's really awesome he quit smoking, especially with the LO around. WifeZ is right, I would be prepared to not have their support. It's probably hard to deal with, but it sounds like their minds are pretty made up.
  • maybe if your FI drank quality beer, he wouldn't need to drink 4-5.

    *I* would take issue with someone having 4-5 beers as well - even if this was *less* thank they used to drink.
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