I have a WDYT.

NOLABridesmaid

I saw this link on a blog that I read. I think she has some good points.

http://gateway-women.com/2013/01/11/still-hopeful-but-the-hope-is-killing-me/#comments

Wzz

When did being a woman equal being a mother? And why has being childless become such a huge ‘bogey man’ that normal, sane, intelligent, financially independent, working women fear it more than cancer?


this is what i felt like commenting on.

i don't think that being a mother = being a woman, and i absolutely do not think that being childless is so awful. but, if you choose to not be a mother through conscious decisions and through making the necessary choices to stay childless, it's a different thing that being single and childless because you haven't had opportunity to get married and/or have babies. THAT is why it's a problem IMO.


side note - i watched The Surrogacy Trap last night, and thought of the idea of "hope" in terms of becoming a parent. wanting kids can really mess with a person.

NOLABridesmaid

I think that's the part that stuck out to me. The hope part. There are many posts and blogs about married women and their struggles getting pregnant. But, I thought this one was interesting because it talks about single women and their struggles with wanting to be married and have a baby.

People often say, "Just have a baby." It seems like they don't always understand that you don't really want to do it on your own. You know you can do it on your own, but that's not the route you want to take.

I know most of you ladies are married and have kids or married with no kids, but I would like to get your thoughts.

GBCK

I think she makes a good point and says it well.

It's kinda like when the Mr. and I were discussing, pretty seriously as y'all know, future kids or childfree.  If it had come down to "absolutely not; I'd leave over it", the person who wanted kids (me was going to have to 'grieve' parenthood.  People pointing out "well, you COULD just have a kid in spite of him didn't really help.  People pointing out that I shouldn't want a kid didn't help.  People pointing out I could leave him and find someone else didn't help.  

It's all the more frustrating when your own reasonable choices lead you to those 'tunnel' places because the "well, you COULD fix it" attitude is so awful.

It's like back in college, there was a friend of mine who would forever grouse about his singleness.  If I dared grouse back, it was always met with "well, you don't HAVE to be single".  He was right--I could have dated the 2 or 3 friends of his who asked me out who were all assholes (one of which was exassferret, FWIW, who I did eventually kinda date).  But the thing was, I had my good reasons for that not being an option.

It's...like standing in one of those rooms you see in a movie, where the hero is trapped and there are 5 doors out of the room.  Behind 4 of them are hideous beasties who will eat our hero.  Behind the 5th is escape.

When your key opens doors 1-4 and breaks off in the lock of #5, saying "well, you should just go through one of the other 4 doors" isn't a solution.

hmonkey

i think maybe that fear is how you end up with a dude who has hoarded up two room, the basement and the porch.

Wzz

or one who yells at you for trying to educate your children behind his back.

NOLABridesmaid

H, so true. I was just talking to a friend about what does "settling" mean. I think I've seen many friends do it, and it doesn't look fun.

But, I think it means different things to different people. Everybody settles in some area in every relationship, but I think the fear is what brings many woes to some of the ladies that come on here from time to time.

hmonkey

http://jezebel.com/5987952/heres-a-single-womans-list-of-what-shes-looking-for-in-a-man-is-it-too-long

the thing is, i agree with the commenter who said "that's a list of things you look for in any decent human."  i think there's wiggle room with the list -- there's "enjoy all foods!" could mean "willing to try" as opposed to "loves everything."  i love food and would make my life in it but even i won't eat certain foods.

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_i-have-a-wdyt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:371481b7-b5ef-46a5-be14-d51a15e94b33Post:1d9c06d3-1aa6-42bf-88df-41ca36760c4e">Re: I have a WDYT.</a>:
[QUOTE]<a href="http://jezebel.com/5987952/heres-a-single-womans-list-of-what-shes-looking-for-in-a-man-is-it-too-long" rel="nofollow">http://jezebel.com/5987952/heres-a-single-womans-list-of-what-shes-looking-for-in-a-man-is-it-too-long</a> the thing is, i agree with the commenter who said "that's a list of things you look for in any decent human."  i think there's wiggle room with the list -- there's "enjoy all foods!" could mean "willing to try" as opposed to "loves everything."  i love food and would make my life in it but even i won't eat certain foods.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Those are awfully vauge.</div><div>
</div><div>I mean, does 'humble' mean "never acts like a stuck up twit" or "grovely"?  Especially when she's making Mr. Perfect, no pride is hard.</div><div>
</div><div>Does 'likes cats' mean 'must tolerate them' or 'allergies are a dealbreaker' or 'helps me sew matching outfits for our furbabies!11!! elventy!"?</div><div>
</div><div>Those lists always make me wonder if they've considered the flip-side of what they're thinking of.  I mean, if "generous" is super important, does she realize that the most generous people I know often forget to make their spuse a priority and/or have boundry issues because they're 'to giving'--can she deal w/ that part of it?</div><div>
</div><div>(I'm rambly today, if no one noticed.  Or maybe this isn't any worse than normal.)</div><div>
</div><div>

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hmonkey

it's not any worse than normal.

actually, that's the nice thing about the list -- it can vary with each person she meets.  it's just "generous" -- not specifically "generous with time for me on weekends and evening."  it could be generous in spirit, generous with charitable causes, etc.

VarunaTT

There's something about this article that bothers me and I can't quite put my finger on it.

But I think it's related to the difference between me and the female friends I've observed who want children and don't have them.  I don't understand that, b/c I've never really felt that.  I can only empathize and listen.