Wedding Woes
Options

Dad puts damper on wedding plans

My fiance & I both have divorced parents, and it was decided that each parent should pay 1/4 of the cost of the wedding which was supposed to be this upcoming September.  However, when my mother approached my father about the money, he seemed shocked and appalled that we expected a contribution from him.  He claims to be completely broke and says he can't give anything towards the wedding.  Unfortunately that meant we had to cancel with our venue, because without the money from my dad we can't afford it.  In the long run it works out better, because we found a ceremony/reception venue that we like much more than the original, and I can't get too pissed at my father considering my mom made it seem like she'd discussed the money with him and let me do my planning as if the funding from my dad was a definite.  But I really don't know what to say to him - I can't believe he wasn't planning at helping us out at all (its not like this is last minute, we've been engaged for 2 years), and I'm not quite sure that I believe his whole bit about being broke.   After all of this, is it wrong to tell him I don't want him to walk me down the aisle?  Despite living in the same town, he was barely a presence in my childhood, and I'd rather have my wonderful Grandpa do the honor of handing me over to my future husband on my wedding day.
«1

Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans

  • Options
    cynmiller13cynmiller13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If your dad was barely a presence in your life and he had no plans on helping out/giving a nice gift, the by all means ask your Grandpa to walk you down the aisle.  It should be someone who had a large part in raising you, someone who you respect.  The one thing everyone keeps telling me during my planning is that it's your wedding - do whatever you want. Sure, you don't want to go out of your way to offend anyone, but if this is something you feel strongly about, talk to your dad and tell him you decided that you want your grandfather to walk you down the aisle.
  • Options
    TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Aren't you a peach. Who decided that each parent would pay a quarter? Because it doesn't sound like it was your parents.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Our mothers discussed it and said they'd take care of talking to our dads about contributing 1/4 each - & as mentioned in the initial post, I was unaware that my mom hadn't asked my dad yet until last month when this incident happened. No need to be rude, Duck!

    thanks cynthia, I keep hearing that "its your wedding" phrase, but now I'm finally starting to get it!  There's so much concern about the politics of families that the desires of the bride & groom often get lost.
  • Options
    TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You don't see anything wrong with your mothers volunteering their ex-husbands to chip in? I would not have counted on money from anyone who didn't offer it to you themselves. And I certainly wouldn't punish their lack of contribution by leaving them out of traditional parts of the ceremony.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    you do know that your dad doesn't HAVE to contribute anything, right? neither does any other parent. if you're old enough to be getting married, you're old enough to pay for it yourself. thank those that are contributing and move on in life. this should not affect your choice of who should walk you down the aisle however.
  • Options
    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So the cost of walking you down the aisle is 1/4 of a wedding?  Lovely. 

    In those 2 years you were engaged how much did you save towards this wedding? 
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Wow....these posts are bordering on hostile....don't judge others from a 2 paragraph post...you don't know the whole story...
  • Options
    felicia220felicia220 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dad-puts-damper-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3845f4c6-c24c-4ff9-abb6-f5b43e1f7b62Post:c46c9230-a211-4398-88bb-6a323a83468b">Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow....these posts are bordering on hostile....don't judge others from a 2 paragraph post...you don't know the whole story...
    Posted by nhshorty[/QUOTE]

    <div>You are a 100% right, but if she wanted people to know that the mother's decided that they would each put 1/4 of the budget, then she should say that. You wouldn't believe how many brides expect their parents to foot the bill and then get pissed when they don't.  I think the OP is coming off the wrong way.  I now seems like the mother's offered the money and there was miscommunication.  However I do not like there should be any connection to her dad giving money and him walking her down the aisle.</div>
  • Options
    tawillerstawillers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can see why your father is shocked.  I'm confused as to why you thought a man who was barely present in your life would pay for your wedding.  I have a feeling you would have asked Grandpa to walk you down the aisle anyway.

    Have a wedding you can afford and quit expecting people to pay for it.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    "Wow....these posts are bordering on hostile....don't judge others from a 2 paragraph post...you don't know the whole story..."
    Posted by nhshorty

    Thank you nhshorty, this is precisely the case, and though I did my best to susinctly describe the situation, apparently I failed.  My mistake, I thought this community was a forum for advice and helping people, not passing judgment and being nasty.  It is interesting how the only 2 helpful replies were from those who don't spend all of their time trolling the forums commenting on hundreds or thousands of posts.  I could shut each and every one of you up, as there is indeed additional information that negates all of your judgmental BS, but I won't waste my time.  Go ahead and feel free to waste yours, as I won't be checking this thread again. 
  • Options
    GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    as there is indeed additional information that negates all

    Go read my PSA on wording.
    YWIA.
    Look, we can only go off what you write.  If you write a half-assed post without information, you'll get half-assed replies without information.

    So learn how to use the interwebz, learn how to post, and include crap that's relevent--then you can be pissed if we idsagee
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    i'd really love to hear you shut us all up lol. there's absolutely no way to justify being pissed that daddy, who you don't even seem to have a relationship with, isn't going to pay for your wedding.
  • Options
    jmu510jmu510 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    if the mothers talked about it and she got the ok from them that the fathers said yea then its not her fault. she has enough to worry about planning a wedding its nice when some one else takes the ball and runs with it. and if her and her dad arnt close im betting the idea of her grandpa walking her wasnt just due to the money thing...your rude and i cant believe any one would be like this and that unhelpful to another bride!
  • Options
    MiniMadnessMiniMadness member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like an aweful situation to go through. :( 
    We were offered help also, but are paying for our wedding on our own for this exact reason. Depending on someone else does not always work out in the end.
    But, keep your head held high and accept the 'gifts' that the 3 other parents are contributing and try to come up with that other 1/4 on your own. You will feel better doing it this way when it's all said and done. :)

    Also  .... Try not to hold his $ issues against him....you only have one dad :)
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    whoa - first of all, i think you need to realize that no one *has* to make any financial contributions to your wedding.  you said "it was decided" that each parent pays 1/4 - who decided this?  certainly your father didn't agree to it.  anything you get from anyone is a blessing you have to be grateful for, not feel entitled to.

    with that said, i don't think you are wrong to not want him to walk you down the aisle.  but the reason i say that is not because he won't give you money, it's because of something else you said:

    Despite living in the same town, he was barely a presence in my childhood, and I'd rather have my wonderful Grandpa do the honor of handing me over to my future husband on my wedding day.

    totally have your grandfather do the honor.  if he is the one you feel closest too, that is probably what you make you happiest and be the most special.
  • Options
    Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So let me get this straight. A man who you don't really consider the father he should have been is supposed to pay for your wedding? Will this make up for not being there when you skinned your knee, or wanted to learn to ride a bike, or got picked on at school? Will this make up for all the missed special moments, holidays, school plays, sporting events, and pre-dance-picture-taking he missed?

    I don't understand why you think a sperm donor would pay for any part of your wedding.

    You need to get a grip. it's not your fault your mother led you on, but it's also no one's responsibility to pay for your wedding. This is 2010, not 1810. Realize noone is responsible for your wedding but you. You don't owe him anything. Don't want him to walk you down the aisle? Don't ask him to. He's not earned the right, after all. Not because he didn't shell out cash he may or may not have for your pretty pretty princess day, but because he wasn't an active part of your life.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dad-puts-damper-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:3845f4c6-c24c-4ff9-abb6-f5b43e1f7b62Post:65da5d13-ab45-4749-b31b-7058891d385f">Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans</a>:
    [QUOTE]if the mothers talked about it and she got the ok from them that the fathers said yea then its not her fault. she has enough to worry about planning a wedding its nice when some one else takes the ball and runs with it. and if her and her dad arnt close im betting the idea of her grandpa walking her wasnt just due to the money thing...your rude and i cant believe any one would be like this and that unhelpful to another bride!
    Posted by jmu510[/QUOTE]

    just because she (or anyone else for that matter) is a bride doesn't excuse horrible selfish behavior. a wedding is a wedding, it's just a party. it's NOT an excuse to be a selfish princess for a year. no matter how you look at it, she's pissed because dad won't give her money to pay for her party.

    and what is it you would like us to do? say "what a horrible thing to do! he should give you his whole bank account to pay for your wedding if you want! it's the least he could do to make up for being a horrible dad." well no.....because that's bullshiet. you want puppies and rainbows go to another board.

    and to the OP - this is why you don't ever plan on other people's money until it's in hand.
  • Options
    Jeni35Jeni35 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am not going to respond with such hostility because it is not worth it. Bridezilla, anyone? Two things: If you are more comfortable having your grandfather walk you down the aisle; then so be it. If your dad was not really present in your life; then he is most likely not someone I would count on. That said, walking you down the aisle doesn't mean someone pays for the wedding. My brother is walking me down the aisle and he is only paying for his tuxedo rental. I love him and that is why he is walking me down. I agree that you should be planning a wedding that you both can afford. I am glad that you were able to find a reception venue. Speak with your dad prior to the wedding and hear his side. Then make your decision.
  • Options
    Blueyed228Blueyed228 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Parents dont have to pay for anything.  You are both adults and should pay for your own things. Even if they are offering to help, you should plan the wedding as if you were paying for it yourself.

    Why do you want to cause a family rift over money?  Do you really want to write your dad off and tell the man that gave you life that walking you down the aisle comes with a price tag?? Maybe he really is having money problems.  Since it sounds like you dont have much of a relationship with him, you probably wouldnt know.

    You only get 1 dad.  And if he is only a blank check to you, I feel sorry for you.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • Options
    Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dad-puts-damper-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3845f4c6-c24c-4ff9-abb6-f5b43e1f7b62Post:d7cd4555-0a9d-4f68-9cc5-5bfb6e4987d8">Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans</a>:
    [QUOTE]Parents dont have to pay for anything.  You are both adults and should pay for your own things. Even if they are offering to help, you should plan the wedding as if you were paying for it yourself. Why do you want to cause a family rift over money?  Do you really want to write your dad off and tell the man that gave you life that walking you down the aisle comes with a price tag?? Maybe he really is having money problems.  Since it sounds like you dont have much of a relationship with him, you probably wouldnt know. You only get 1 dad.  And if he is only a blank check to you, I feel sorry for you.
    Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]
    FFS. The man that whose DNA you share is not the same thing as a father. This is not horseshoes. Being close does not count. If Dad wasn't present he's not a father. ADURR. What rainbow colored happy puppy cloud did you crawl out from?
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Options
    LnR70707LnR70707 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    goddamn...there are some real losers on these boards.  Since when did puppies and rainbows successfully make it off of the club boards?  These entitled little twats need a reality check.

    My father helped pay for most of my wedding, but if he had backed out last minute, I would have been able to afford all of it, because I didn't blow more money than what I'd be willing to spend out of my own pocket. 
    br>imageimage
    IF/Baby Blog
    2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!
    TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP!
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickersLilypie First Birthday tickers


    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
  • Options
    HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    This is a joke, right?  Please say it is.  Otherwise, you're giving me a big sad.

    Your dad is a big enough presence in your life to fork over 25% of the cost of YOUR wedding, but not enough to walk you down the aisle?  Explain the pretzel logic, please. 

    If each parent was paying 25% of the cost, what was your contribution going to be?  Other than the pouting and foot-stamping we see here, of course.

    I do like your style, though.  I'm going to start deciding what parents can buy me, and then I'll just tell them about it.  That'll go over well.

    Save yourself the heartache and try to drum up some corporate sponsorships, since you're all about the money.  You can list the sponsors in your program.
  • Options
    MiniMadnessMiniMadness member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dad-puts-damper-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:3845f4c6-c24c-4ff9-abb6-f5b43e1f7b62Post:cb16ee5e-84fa-42c3-be97-507a22978001">Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans :<strong> just because she (or anyone else for that matter) is a bride doesn't excuse horrible selfish behavior. a wedding is a wedding, it's just a party. it's NOT an excuse to be a selfish princess for a year</strong>. no matter how you look at it, she's pissed because dad won't give her money to pay for her party. and what is it you would like us to do? say "what a horrible thing to do! he should give you his whole bank account to pay for your wedding if you want! it's the least he could do to make up for being a horrible dad." well no.....because that's bullshiet. you want puppies and rainbows go to another board. and to the OP - this is why you don't ever plan on other people's money until it's in hand.
    Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

    I don't know that she meant to come across as selfish ... maybe she was just shocked and disappointed, so she needed to vent??...and it's better to vent and be judged by strangers than your family and friends because they may perceive it as selfish too??
    I agree with you totally about never depending on other people's money though!! ;)
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    MiniMadnessMiniMadness member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dad-puts-damper-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:3845f4c6-c24c-4ff9-abb6-f5b43e1f7b62Post:8d1f7b5e-96d7-4091-822e-41e67c4b6c33">Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans</a>:
    [QUOTE]goddamn...there are some real losers on these boards.  Since when did puppies and rainbows successfully make it off of the club boards?  These entitled little twats need a reality check. <strong>My father helped pay for most of my wedding, but if he had backed out last minute, I would have been able to afford all of it, because I didn't blow more money than what I'd be willing to spend out of my own pocket.</strong> 
    Posted by L&R70707[/QUOTE]

    Great point.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    Blueyed228Blueyed228 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dad-puts-damper-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:3845f4c6-c24c-4ff9-abb6-f5b43e1f7b62Post:6cc8e92c-9d23-4d16-a6aa-83070279e28e">Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans : FFS. The man that whose DNA you share is not the same thing as a father. This is not horseshoes. Being close does not count. If Dad wasn't present he's not a father. ADURR. What rainbow colored happy puppy cloud did you crawl out from?
    Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]

    No cloud.  If you are writing your dad off for never being there thats one thing.  To write him off cause he wont give you money is selfish and bratty.  She made it seem like he is only important to her if he coughs up the money.  Her issue should be with her mom who volunteered his money.

    Like I said before, you should plan the wedding as if you were paying for it.  If parents chip in, its bonus.

    And if she did not discuss with everyone involved exactly what "1/4" of the wedding was going to be, then its her own fault.  A quarter of 5K is alot different that a quarter of 20K.
    045_45-1 photo 045_45-1.jpg
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
    5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
    3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
    IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
  • Options
    TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why is this thread still going?
  • Options
    Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dad-puts-damper-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3845f4c6-c24c-4ff9-abb6-f5b43e1f7b62Post:e2b6669d-1488-4d1b-91dc-d3ab910523a3">Re: Dad puts damper on wedding plans</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why is this thread still going?
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

    ^this.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Options
    jescharffjescharff member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The question here is not whether her dad should pay, but whether she is obligated to ask him to walk her down the aisle. The answer is no. Ask whomever you want: your grandfather, even your mom.  Good luck.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Just to update and tell all you judgmental witches what the end result was:

    First off, I wasn't aware that my mother hadn't asked my father until WAY, even after I found out he wouldn't contribute.  That was entirely her bad for allowing me to think she discussed it with him, hence my disappointment & disgust afterwards.

    We also didn't WANT to have a large wedding we couldn't afford, and only did so at the insistance of ALL of the parents, being as we're the oldest children in each family.  They were just not going to go along with the small ceremony in the woods that we wanted.  Hence the expectation that they would be paying for it .

    Secondly, it was a blessing in disguise that my dad said no to helping us out - # 1 because we had to find a new venue we could afford, and found THE perfect place, and #2, because 2 months after this, my father's wife had heart problems and ended up in ICU at Columbia in NYC in and out of a coma & life support for 4 1/2 months.  So even if he HAD said he could help, he would have been unable to in the long run.

    I had both my grandfather & my father walk me down the aisle, and I was very happy with that decision.  My dad may suck as a father, but he's a good guy and I wouldn't have deprived him of the honor that meant so much to him, regardless of how upset I was at the time of this post.

    and lastly, I am certainly no bridezilla!  I've worked as a wedding photographer for the past decade and let me just say, those who replied nastily to my post are PRECISELY the type of bridezillas whom I tell that I'm booked for the day of their event because I'd rather forego the income than work with someone who will be a pain.  And I may not have had actual money to put towards my wedding, but I worked out over $12k in barters - my videographers, my photographer, my officiant, my flowers, my ceremony musician, my wedding rings, the cake, & the invitations were all paid for via barters for my photography services.

    & Thank you to those who responded openmindedly and nonjudgmentally and gave words of encouragement and well thought out replies!  The face that there are people like you on here the reason I even bothered to post in the first place!
  • Options
    LnR70707LnR70707 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ahahahahaha

    You've had your panties in a twist for 6 months over this.  Awesome.
    br>imageimage
    IF/Baby Blog
    2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!
    TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP!
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickersLilypie First Birthday tickers


    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards